❝I have faith in things coming right little by little...❞

FRÉDÉRIC CHOPIN

✩

3.5 : recovery

FIN'S NOT REALLY SURE WHAT SHE EXPECTED AFTER ESTHER'S DEATH, BUT THE NEXT FEW WEEKS ARE SOMEHOW HARDER THAN ANYTHING SHE WAS PREPARED FOR. Not that she's grieving Esther in any way; she mourned the loss of her mother a long time ago. Her mother was not in the body she stood over. Esther killed her mother, and so Fin is not sad at all to wake up and know that Esther is gone. But there is something about finally killing your demons that exhausts you, both physically and emotionally.

She sleeps for eighteen hours straight after the first day, her body and mind both entirely exhausted, and when she wakes up, her doctor, a man named Sanjay Kumar, insists on giving her a full and absolute check-up. Fin would much rather stay in bed, but doctors know best, she supposes. So she surrenders herself and spends the next hour ambling around the hospital room, pulling the IV cart behind her like a sad little dog on a leash, and telling nurses what hurts and what doesn't as they poke and prod her with gloved hands.

"I'm very impressed," says Dr. Kumar, as two nurses help Fin climb back onto the stiff hospital bed. "You're progressing very well."

"I've always been a fast healer." Fin winces as her abdomen twinges uncomfortably, shifting slightly on the bed. "When are you gonna let me out of here?"

"Not for a few more days. We still need to monitor you and make sure that nothing is infected or bleeding internally. I've said this before, but the knife nicked your colon just a little on its way out, and that poses a larger threat for infection, specifically peritonitis. That's only really a threat after the first two days, but we don't want you tearing anything at home."

The door to her room opens and Spencer enters, right on time as always, carrying a duffel bag in one hand and a vase full of irises in the other. A wide, goofy grin spreads across his face when he sees Fin. "Hi, sweetheart."

"Hi." Fin smiles back, tilting her chin up to kiss him gently. He tastes slightly of coffee, which is a sore subject, as Dr. Kumar told her yesterday she has to avoid all caffeine for a minimum of six weeks. Six weeks of herbal tea might kill her before the hole in her stomach does. "Was work okay?"

Spencer grimaces, setting the vase of flowers on the table next to her bed. "Strauss is pressing us for reports about everything that happened, and she, Hotch, and Blair are trying to fight off the Senate Homeland Security Committee again. It looks like they really want another hearing about the way we handled things."

Fin sighs, shaking her head. "If they want another hearing, there's not much we can do about it."

"I don't want you to have to relive that," Spencer says, sitting down in the chair next to her and taking her hand. "Not so soon after everything."

"I'll be fine, Spencer." Fin squeezes his hand, giving him an encouraging smile. "By the way, I asked you to bring me some clothes, not flowers! What gives?"

"I brought clothes, too," Spencer says defensively, gesturing to the duffel bag on the floor. "But I figured we could get a headstart on finding you a new favorite flower. How do you like the Iris versicolor?"

Maybe it's the half-dozen medications Fin's on at the moment, or perhaps hormones caused by being stabbed, but she's having a hard time blinking back tears. No one's ever treated her the way this man does, and despite the fact she's known him almost three years, she still can't get over it.

Behind Spencer, Dr. Kumar clears his throat, and both Fin and Spencer turn toward him. To be honest, Fin might've forgotten he was here.

"Sorry, Doctor," Fin says, blushing a little. "We did sort of interrupt you, didn't we?"

"It's not a problem," he replies, smiling at them. "In fact, it's encouraging to see two young people in love."

"How is she medically?" Spencer asks.

"She's doing very well," Dr. Kumar answers, nodding. "So far, everything seems to be healing nicely, and no sign of infection or internal bleeding, which is good. We'll need to monitor her for a few more days just to be safe, but she should be able to go home within a week."

And then his smile falters a little. "Are-are you two married?"

Fin frowns, glancing at Spencer, and then back at Dr. Kumar. "Uh... no, we're not."

"But you are dating, yes?"

Spencer nods, looking as confused as Fin feels. "Yes, we are. What is this about?"

Dr. Kumar sighs heavily, crossing his arms over his chest. "If you both are committed to each other... physically, there are some things we will need to discuss. Because of the nature of the subject, it's important that you're involved, Dr. Reid, but only if you are committed to Agent Finley."

"I'm committed," Spencer says without hesitation, squeezing Fin's hand a little tighter. "Is something wrong?"

Dr. Kumar sighs again, and walks around Fin's bed to sit in the other chair next to the window, leaning forward with his arms resting on his knees. "When the knife penetrated your abdomen, it pierced mostly muscle, which was extremely lucky. That limited the lingering damage and blood loss greatly. But when it was removed from your abdomen, my guess is that it was twisted slightly, because it lacerated your colon...and your uterus."

Fin isn't sure what this means, but she knows it can't be good. Her stomach is churning uncomfortably.

"When we went in to do the surgery, I didn't notice the uterus was damaged until over halfway through," Dr. Kumar continues. "I had already sewn up your colon, and by the time I noticed the uterus bleeding, it was more difficult to reach. It was a mistake on my part, and for that, I apologize. The possibility of your uterus being damaged was highly unlikely, and the blade had to have been very precisely placed in order to pierce it. Luckily, it was not penetrated, but you will have uterine scarring, and a large amount of it."

"What-what does that mean?" Fin whispers, swallowing hard. Her heart is beating quickly in her chest, her stomach roiling, her hands beginning to shake. She fears the next words out of the doctor's mouth.

"It means..." Dr. Kumar pauses, pursing his lips, and then looks back up at Fin, his eyes grave. "You might have future problems with conceiving."

This is what Fin was dreading, the moment the word "uterus" left Dr. Kumar's lips. She bites her lip to keep it from trembling, and Spencer squeezes her hand tightly, covering it with both of his.

"It won't be impossible," Dr. Kumar says quickly, glancing between Fin and Spencer. "There are surgeries available to remove the scarring, and treatments to help with infertility, but-"

"It'll be harder," Spencer finishes quietly. "I understand."

Dr. Kumar nods. "Again, I'm...very sorry. I'll let you both process."

Before the door even closes behind him, Fin is sobbing. Spencer wastes no time in climbing onto the bed next to her and pulling her into his chest, stroking her hair, tears welling in his own eyes.

This is not because of medication or hormones. This is real, true pain. Fin has always wanted children, and even more so after she met Spencer. She's thought about starting a family with him for a long time now, before she even came back from Greece. He would be an incredible father, and she had hoped to be a better mother than Esther ever was.

Dr. Kumar didn't say it was impossible, but "harder" means the same thing to Fin at this moment. "Harder" as in IVF treatments, "harder" as in years of trying, "harder" as in potential miscarriages. "Harder" as in more pain in their lives.

As she buries her face in Spencer's shirt, sobs racking her body, something comes to her, as if out of a dream. A voice, more familiar than anything she has ever known: My child, look how strong you are. Every challenge you have faced has made you stronger... How powerful it will be to see a woman with your scars, and yet still has joy.

Fin has so many scars, inside and out. Some given to her by others, some self-inflicted. Some will fade, and others will linger for the rest of her life.

But none of them define her.

They may change her, but they will never become her identity.

That's not the way she is anymore.

So she pulls away from Spencer, wiping her face with the back of her hand, sniffling softly. "I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay."

"Hey, hey." Spencer brushes her hair back from her eyes, swallowing hard, tears still pooling in his eyes. "This-this isn't your fault, okay? None of it is your fault."

"I know. I know." Fin nods, still attempting to catch her breath. "And none of it is yours, either."

"I know," Spencer replies softly. "But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

"I'm not gonna let this ruin our lives," Fin says, looking up into Spencer's eyes seriously. "She's not going to control me again. Not this time."

"We'll figure this out together." Spencer nods. "One day at a time."

"One day at a time," Fin echoes, silently thanking God for someone as incredible as Spencer. She does not deserve him.

"We never really even talked about kids," Spencer continues, managing a half-smile. "Unless you count that time you yelled at me in a closet."

"Or the time we were playing serial killer Scrabble on the jet," Fin adds, offering her own half-smile. "That was one of the many times I realized just how attractive you were."

Spencer shakes his head, laughing softly. "I want a family with you, Hazel. More than anything else."

Fin feels exactly the same way.

"But if we can't have kids together," he continues, his eyes dark and serious, "I need you to know that I still love you. You will never be unattractive to me for any reason, especially this. I will love you every day for the rest of my life, no matter what happens. Do you understand?"

Again, tears prick at Fin's eyes and she blinks them away, nodding.

"Good." Spencer leans in and kisses her softly, sweetly, kissing away the hurt and the grief she feels.

"Stay with me," Fin whispers, leaning back against the pillows and opening her arms to him. "Just stay for a while."

Spencer lays down next to her, pulling her into his arms, her head resting on his chest, stroking her hair gently. His heartbeat is a gentle lullaby in her ear, soothing and familiar, and she gets as close to him as she can without pain pulsing through her side. He makes her feel safe, and right now, that is more valuable than anything in the world.

✩

Fin remains in the hospital until the end of the week, and despite her insistence that she is fine being alone, Penelope organizes a visitation chart behind her back, and each member of the team takes a day off to spend with her-aside from Hotch, who is extremely busy keeping Senator Cramer off their asses-so that Spencer doesn't have to take the entire week away from the office.

And, very unsurprisingly, Penelope is the first to arrive on Monday, carrying a massive bag full of chocolate, candy, and rom-coms on DVD.

"Penelope, I'm not allowed to eat any of that," Fin says, laughing as she watches Penelope pull potato chips and M&Ms out of her bag.

"Oh, I know," Penelope replies, looking up at her. "I did some research on what you can eat after surgery." She pulls another, smaller bag out and hands it to Fin.

Fin opens it and peers inside. Instead of junk food, there's organic popcorn, dried fruits, mixed nuts, and a variety of ginger candies. Dr. Kumar recommended all of these things to her yesterday, and she was going to send Spencer to the grocery store later this afternoon to get them.

"I read that ginger candy is good for nausea and stomach pain," Penelope says, glancing at Fin hopefully. "I can't stand ginger, but I figured you might-"

"Thank you, Penelope." Fin reaches for her hand, squeezing it gently. She does not deserve Penelope Garcia. "This is really sweet of you."

"Anything for you, Hazelnut." Penelope smiles sweetly.

"So, uh, if you knew I couldn't eat any of that, why did you bring it?" Fin asks, gesturing to the other bag of food.

"Oh, this is all for me!" Penelope opens a bag of popcorn with a sly grin. "Now, which movie first: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days or You've Got Mail?"

The next day, Rossi is the one sitting in the chair by her bed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, eyebrows raised. "So," he says, "are you still thinking about writing that book?"

Fin pauses for a moment, before replying, "I think so. I really feel like it would help people, you know? And I just-I need to get it all out on paper."

"I know a great editor." Rossi gives her a small, encouraging smile. "And if you ever want a proofreader-"

"You'll be my first call." Fin smiles back. She does not deserve David Rossi.

Lars is discharged from the hospital early the next morning. Her ankle was most definitely broken, and she had a mild concussion, but after minor surgery to reset the bones in her ankle and two days of monitoring, the doctors determine she's well enough to go home, with some supervision. JJ and Will are more than happy to let Lars stay at their house while Fin's still stuck at the hospital, and by the sound of Lars' next phone call, she and little Henry have become fast friends.

Emily arrives just after nine the same morning, somehow managing to sneak a bottle of wine past the hospital staff-"For the night the doctor says you're allowed to jump Reid's bones," she says with a smirk, as Fin protests wildly-and unusually cheerful for an early morning on her day off.

"So I guess we both know what it's like to be stabbed by people we cared about," Emily says after a while, leaning back in her chair with a grin.

"That's a morbid way to start a conversation," Fin replies, shaking her head with a laugh. "But I guess we can go down that route. Yeah, it's not fun, is it?"

"No." Emily shakes her head. "No, it's not. Especially not recovering from a surgery like that."

"You can say that again." As if on cue, Fin's abdomen twinges painfully and she grimaces. "I'm starting to get tired of eating plain chicken and yogurt, and it's only been four days."

Emily laughs, and then her smile fades, replaced with a more serious expression. "Reid said you-you almost coded on the table. Did-did you see anything?"

Fin knows why she's asking this. She and Spencer have talked about it at length. She remembers the conversation in California, when Emily confessed that she had coded in the ambulance after Doyle stabbed her, that she had seen nothing but blackness. Fin knows how much that scared her.

"I...don't remember everything," Fin replies slowly. "It was bright. And really warm. And then there was this...voice that I felt like I'd heard before. He said it wasn't my time, that I had more people to touch with my story. And then He held me, and it was like being wrapped in the sun, but in a good way."

"So you-you saw-?" Emily's eyes are wide, her mouth slightly agape.

Fin nods. "I think so." I know so. "And I've been having dreams about it ever since, dreams that feel like déjà vu, that explain more of the story." She does not mention the fact that her father was there, or her brother. Emily is processing too much already.

"I don't understand." Emily shakes her head slowly, staring at the floor. "Why did you and Reid see that, and all I saw was-?"

"I have a guess," Fin says softly, and Emily's head flies up, staring at her confusedly. "Spencer and I saw what we saw because we wanted to believe. I've believed in God since I was a kid. I was alone, completely and entirely, after my dad and brother died. I was responsible for my little sister, and I couldn't be friends with anyone because I felt like I was ugly, like I was too broken. So I turned to God, and He was there. Spencer's an intellectual, a skeptic, but he's always hoped for there to be something beyond death. It was that hope that let him see what he saw.

"My guess would be that you... You gave up on faith and hope a long time ago. That's why you saw darkness. That's why it was empty and cold. You believe in nothing, therefore you see nothing."

Emily sniffles, blinking back tears, running a hand through her hair. "I guess-I guess I always thought I'd find out at the end, you know? That whatever it would be was the same for everyone. But after that, whenever I think about death, I'm just-I'm afraid."

"Emily, you might've given up on hope, but it hasn't given up on you," Fin replies softly, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. "You have a chance to change what you see. You have power over it, not the other way around. I promise, okay?"

Emily nods, wiping her face with the back of her hand, and then laughs in a weird, choked way. "You know, you'd think I'd be the one comforting you, since you're the one in the hospital. I mean, look at you! You can't eat ice cream, you can't drink alcohol, you can't have sex-"

"Emily!" But Fin is laughing anyway. She does not deserve Emily Prentiss.

And the wine Emily brought, which was kind of her, despite the fact that neither Fin nor Spencer drink, ends up in JJ's hands the next day. She protests, but Fin makes her promise to take it and share it with Will as a thank you for taking care of Lars.

The conversation turns personal after several hours, and Fin finds herself confessing her fears about infertility to JJ, despite her reluctance. Maybe it's her quiet patience, maybe it's the maternal instinct, but Fin wants to tell JJ everything. Her worries, her thoughts, her prayers, all of it.

And oddly enough, JJ listens with a kind of painful empathy, and when Fin is done, she tells her own story, about the miscarriage she had last year during her time away from the BAU. Both of them get emotional as she explains, and the last hour of her visit is spent in a tight embrace as they cry on each other's shoulders. Fin guesses she hasn't told anyone else, being the private person she is, but they understand each other. She does not deserve Jennifer Jareau.

Spencer brings her a new vase of irises on Friday and a copy of Emma, which he spends the afternoon reading aloud to her as she eats a disappointing snack of popcorn and dried cranberries. Then he naps next to her, curled against her side, as she watches My Best Friend's Wedding, another DVD of Penelope's choosing. His breath is warm against her neck, his hand tucked beneath her shirt, his thumb caressing her bare skin gently. She does not deserve Spencer Reid.

Saturday morning, JJ brings Lars and Henry to visit, and they spend their time watching Henry roll toy trucks across the foot of Fin's bed and talking about Lars' plans. Lars has decided to move back to Mississippi, since she has nothing keeping her in Virginia, and use the money in her savings account from Esther's trial to buy back their old house in St. Martin. She plans to turn it into a shelter for children and teenagers running away from abusive families, and she'll call it the Cameron House. Fin thinks it's perfect, and she promises to visit and help set it up, since she'll have about six months away from the BAU for recovery.

And then Saturday afternoon comes, and Fin wakes up from her nap to see Morgan sitting next to her bed, looking out the window. "Hey," she says sleepily.

Morgan looks back at her, smiling softly. "Hey."

"Took you long enough to visit me," Fin says, pretending to be hurt. "What, just because I'm wounded, you think I'm not worth your time?"

Morgan laughs, shaking his head. "Hey, how come being stabbed made you more of an asshole?"

"It made me realize how little time we all really have," Fin replies, grinning. "And I plan to use all the time I have left to annoy the shit out of you."

"I'm gonna miss not having you in the office for a while," Morgan says with a sigh. "It'll be boring without you."

"Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna bug Hotch into letting me consult on cases." Fin pushes herself to sit up, adjusting the pillows behind her. "You're not getting rid of me that easily."

"I figured you'd say something like that." Morgan gives her a sly grin. "I may have already brought it up, and Hotch may have already said yes."

Fin's heart swells with joy. She smiles widely. "How come me being stabbed made you nicer?"

"I realized how little time we all really have," Morgan replies, the smile fading from his face slightly. He reaches out and places his hand on top of hers, his eyes serious. "I want you to know I'm proud of you, angel. I am. And I promise I always have your back."

Fin swallows hard, nodding. She does not deserve Derek Morgan.

But that's the great thing about life. You get to have things you don't deserve. And Fin will never take them for granted again.

~

they're all so cute, i'm gonna cry ;-;

sorry for the late chapter, but i went back to work this last week and it threw me for a loop. i've been so tired, i haven't had the energy or the time to write. so hopefully a long chapter makes up for it :)

don't forget the fanart contest going right now, rules and instructions are up on my profile! i would love for you guys to send some amazing art my way!