❝And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.❞

JOHN STEINBECK

✩

3.4 : a choice

THE FIRST THING FIN REMEMBERS IS LIGHT. Bright light, so bright she feels as though she should close her eyes and look away. And then the warmth. Whenever she's asked about it later, she will always talk about how warm it felt. Cozy, almost. Like home. She was always taught that it was a home of sorts. 

 At first, she thinks she might be lying in water, or wrapped in a blanket somewhere, but as her eyes adjust to the light, she realizes she is standing in a field of flowers, swaying gently in the wind, even though she feels no wind. There is nothing but flowers as far as she can see. It must go on forever, Fin thinks, and even as she thinks it, she knows it's true.

The second thing Fin remembers is that there is no pain. She looks down at her stomach and sees that she's wearing a strange white gown, and there is no blood, no wound. Nothing. She feels nothing but peace, nothing but comfort.

"Hey, kiddo."

The voice is one she has not heard for fourteen years, and yet it is so painfully familiar, and as Fin turns around to see who it is, her heart is filled with overwhelming joy. "Daddy."

Her father is standing in front of her, just as she remembers him: hair long and wavy, the way her mother hated it; eyes bright and twinkling, the same blue as the sky above them; and smiling widely, his arms outstretched. "Hi, sweet girl."

Fin laughs loudly, running straight into her father's arms for the first time in fourteen years. For some reason, she expects it to feel different, to feel strange, but his arms are real and warm, and they hold her the same way they always did. He smells of sandalwood and aftershave, the aftershave Fin and Ollie saved up to buy him when they were younger.

Fin should cry, but she finds no pain in her heart, no tears to cry. Only joy and warmth and peace.

"I missed you, Daddy," Fin says, looking up at her father, refusing to let go of him.

"I missed you too, Hazel-O," Ben says, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "But I didn't think I'd see you so soon."

"Where are we?" Fin asks, staring around at the flowers that stretch on for miles, at the clear blue sky. "I've never been here before."

"You know where we are," Ben replies softly.

Fin does know. She has known all along. She didn't think she'd be here so soon, either.

"Am I–Am I dead?" she asks, looking back up at Ben, frowning.

Ben shakes his head. "That's up to you."

"What do you mean, it's up to me?"

Ben gestures to the field around them, and suddenly it is no longer flowers and sky, but an operating room, cold and stark. There are figures in white coats, bent over a table, talking in low voices, and just to their left, Fin sees her own face. Her eyes are closed and her expression is blank. A heart monitor beeps solemnly in the background, slow and steady.

"Does that mean... I'm just dreaming this?" Fin asks, turning back to look at her father. She is confused. For some reason, her brain doesn't seem to be working the way it should.

"Some people dream under anesthesia." Ben shrugs. "Do you think this is a dream?"

Fin's not sure what she wants the answer to be, whether it's better to be dreaming or not, but as she stares at herself on the operating table, watching her heartbeat tick slowly on the monitor, she knows the truth. "No. It's not a dream."

"Atta girl." Ben squeezes her arm affectionately.

"So... if I'm not dead, and I'm not dreaming... then what is this?" Fin asks after a moment of silence, broken only by the gentle rustling of the flowers in the breeze.

Ben pauses for a moment, searching her face, blue eyes grave, and then answers: "A choice."

"A choice?" Fin is still so confused.

"You know, I never got to tell you how proud I was of you," Ben says softly, cupping her face in his hands, tilting her chin up to look at him. "I'm so proud, Hazel. You've grown up to be such a strong woman. You are brave beyond what I ever could have imagined, and I only wish I could've told you before."

"Brave?" Fin shakes her head. "People died because of me, Daddy–"

"No, kiddo," Ben interrupts her, smiling softly. "You saved so many lives. None of that was your fault. You did what was right, and that's more important than anything else. You did good."

Fin notices his touch on her feels different, it feels like he's fading, and before she can open her mouth to say anything, Ben kisses her once more on the forehead and whispers, "Remember: It's a choice, Hazel."

And then Fin is no longer in a field of flowers, but standing on a beach, the waves washing over her feet gently, the sand stretching beyond the horizon, the sky above the same clear blue as before. She is entirely alone here, except for a new figure, equally familiar, standing in front of her with a smile just like her father's.

"Hi, Hazel bear."

This embrace is different, but the feeling is the same: peace. Comfort. Home. Fin leans into her brother's chest, reveling in how familiar he feels. She finds it oddly funny that she's twelve years older than him now, and yet in her mind, he's still her big brother.

"Whoa, don't strangle me," Oliver laughs, pulling back to look at her. "It's good to see you, Hazel."

Fin wishes there were tears to cry again, but she is still not sad. She is only filled with joy. "I missed you so much, Ollie."

"I know." Oliver pushes a strand of hair back from her face, grinning widely. "I don't like that you're older than me now. Feels weird."

"What happened to Dad?" Fin asks, searching his face. He is exactly as she remembers him: tall, lean, muscular, with their father's eyes and their mother's smile, her real smile. "Is he still–?"

"Oh, yeah, he's still around," Oliver replies. "He'll always be here. And so will I. He just wanted me to get a chance to say hi before you go."

"Before I go where?" Fin frowns up at him.

"Didn't Dad tell you? It's your choice."

"I don't know what I'm choosing!"

"Really?" Oliver shakes his head. "Hazel, I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were the smart one."

Fin laughs in spite of herself, dropping her head onto his shoulder. "I forgot how much you annoyed me, you jackass."

"I'm wounded." Oliver gives her an expression of faux-hurt, grinning, then his eyes darken seriously. "I know you know what I'm talking about."

He gestures to the ocean, and it is no longer an ocean, but a stark hospital waiting room. It reminds Fin of the night Emily went into surgery. The silence, the tension. The team is all there, and so are Ethan and Blair. Fin's heart is filled with love as she stares at them, so full she feels like her chest might burst. Her family. There, waiting for her.

"Aaron Hotchner," Oliver says, as Fin looks at Hotch, leaning against the wall, holding a cup of coffee, eyes unfocused.

"Derek Morgan. Penelope Garcia." Morgan, sitting next to Garcia, holding her hand tightly, her head on his shoulder. Both of them have tear stains on their cheeks.

"Emily Prentiss." Emily, standing up and walking over to Hotch, putting a hand on his arm gently. He leans into her touch.

"David Rossi." Rossi, tapping his foot anxiously, muttering something to himself under his breath. Probably the Our Father, or Hail Mary.

"Jennifer Jareau." JJ, curled into a ball in the chair next to Rossi, biting her lip, staring at the floor.

"And of course, the man himself, Spencer Reid. The man supposedly good enough for my baby sister. If things were different, I'd threaten to beat his ass, but... Well, you know..."

Fin closes her eyes. Spencer.

And then opens them.

He's standing in front of the door, hand covering his mouth, staring with red-rimmed eyes out into the hallway, probably wanting to be the first to hear any news. His hands are shaking. Judging by how he's rubbing his eyes, he probably has a migraine, too.

Fin has never loved him more.

Now she understands the choice.

The operating room is cold. The waiting room is cold. There is pain and sadness and suffering there.

Here, with her feet in the ocean, it is warm and painless. She feels nothing but joy and peace, standing here with Oliver.

"Is it really a hard choice?" Oliver asks, raising his eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"Hazel, that's the love of your life," Oliver replies, gesturing at Spencer. "You only have so long to spend with him down there. But Dad and I will be here forever. You have the rest of time with us."

"Ollie, I'm so tired," Fin says, shaking her head. "And it hurts so much."

"I know it does. But you're so strong. If anyone can do it, you can."

"What if I don't want to?"

Oliver sighs and takes a step toward her, wrapping his arms around her waist gently. "That's up to you. All I know is that he makes you happy. That they love you so much. And that you're not alone. Things like that are worth fighting for, you know?"

Fin glances back at the waiting room, at the people she loves, and then back at her brother. "Yeah, I know."

And then Oliver's grip on her begins to loosen, as if he's fading, too, and Fin grabs his shoulders tightly. "No, I don't want to leave you–"

"I'm always here, Hazel bear," Oliver replies, smiling. "Always."

And Fin is no longer standing on a beach, but in what seems like the top of a building maybe, surrounded by nothing but stars, and yet it is still bright here. It is dark and light, real and not real, new and familiar.

As she stares confusedly at her surroundings, a blindingly white figure, brighter even than the sun, descends from above her, human and yet not human, real and yet not tangible, light and yet solid. It is a person, a man, but there is no face that Fin can discern: only light and warmth and love. More love than anything else in the world.

"Who are you?" she asks.

"I am," He says, and Fin realizes she knew that already.

"Why am I here?"

"Because you have a choice," He replies. His voice is one that Fin has heard so many times, but never understood. She understands now.

"I don't know what to do," Fin says. "I don't know how to choose."

"You don't?"

"No. I want to be here, with Dad and Ollie, but–They need me down there, don't they?"

He says nothing, just waits patiently for her to continue.

"And–" Fin sighs, running a hand through her hair– "I don't know, there's so much pain down there still, and I'm just not ready to go back to that."

"It's easy to run away from pain," He says gently. "That is your natural instinct. It takes a truly strong person to confront their pain. To conquer it."

"Why would you let this happen?" Fin asks, looking up into where His face would be. "Why would you let any of it happen to me?"

"You're asking the wrong questions. It is not a question of 'letting'."

"Well, what is it a question of, then?" Fin is not sure if she can be angry here, but whatever she's feeling now is close to it.

"People are imperfect," He says quietly. "I cannot change that. That was a choice made long ago. I have given free choice without restraint, despite the evil in the world. I have given mercy without restraint, despite the constant desire of people to remain in evil. And I have given love without restraint, despite how much they hate Me."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"You are free to choose your path, just as everyone else is," He continues, as gentle and calm as before. "The unfortunate consequence of freedom is that bad things will happen. I cannot promise you peace and safety. I cannot promise that no harm will ever come to you in life. But I can promise you love and mercy, and I can promise that at the end of every trial, every struggle, there will always be hope."

"That's why bad things happen to good people?" Fin asks, taking a step closer to Him. He radiates warmth, like a fire multiplied a thousand times, but Fin knows somehow that His warmth will never burn her.

"My child, look how strong you are." He reaches out and places a hand on Fin's shoulder, and Fin feels a new kind of angelic warmth pulse through her body, heating her from the inside. "Every challenge you have faced has made you stronger. You have looked death in the face and it couldn't touch you."

When Fin doesn't respond, He continues, "And think how many people you will touch with your story. How powerful it will be to see a woman with your scars, and yet still has joy. Who still has faith."

"You're saying that like my choice is made already," Fin says slowly, and she suddenly thinks to look below her. They are standing on nothing, surrounded entirely by stars, but below her, she knows, is the world, and above her... So much more than that.

"Is it?"

"I don't know. I want to stay here. I want to always be with You, with my father and Oliver..."

"I would love for you to stay here with Me," He says, His voice echoing a smile. "You are always welcome here. But it is not yet your time."

"But–"

"There are people that need you more than you can possibly imagine. There is a world that craves your touch. There are hearts that are empty now, but that you will fill."

"And if I can't do it?" This is what Fin is most afraid of. Failing. Making the wrong choice.

"You will not be alone," He says. "I will always be with you. And soon, you will return here. It's only a matter of time."

And suddenly, Fin realizes that she has been wrong about the choice. It is not a choice to live or die; she was never going to die.

It is a choice of what to live for. She can live dreading pain and fear and trauma, or she can live for love and joy and goodness. She can live for touching others. She can live for Spencer, the love of her life.

"See, you've made your choice," He says, smiling once more. "I am so proud of you, my child. I love you more than you can ever understand. Know that I am with you."

And He steps toward her, arms outstretched, and envelops her in His light and warmth, blinding her, overwhelming her...

Fin's eyes fly open. She is lying in a hospital bed, early morning sunshine streaming across her face from the window to her right. Every part of her body aches dully, but she has never felt more alive. She has never felt more awake.

Spencer is asleep next to her, his hand limp in hers, sitting in a chair with his head resting on the bed beside her, snoring softly. He's going to be so uncomfortable when he wakes up. Fin resists the urge to laugh; even breathing is painful now.

The sound of the heart monitor in the background is like a symphony to Fin; it is a symbol of life, of hope. It means a new beginning.

Slowly, carefully, Fin attempts to move her legs a little beneath the hospital blankets, testing what she can and can't do. Moving her legs back and forth carefully seems to be okay, at least with the help of whatever painkillers they're giving her, but now Spencer's stirring. Fin grimaces–she didn't really want to wake him.

Rubbing his eyes, he sits up slowly, glancing over at her.

"Hey, pretty boy," Fin whispers, smiling sleepily.

It takes him a moment to register, but then his eyes go wide, filling with tears almost instantly, and a goofy smile spreads across his face. "Hey," he whispers back, squeezing her hand tightly, and stands up, leaning over her carefully.

"I wouldn't recommend kissing me right now," Fin says, groaning slightly as her abdomen twinges. "Probably the worst morning breath I've ever had."

"I don't give a shit." Spencer shakes his head. "You're here and that's all that matters."

And he kisses her gently, softly, and Fin feels as though she remembers something about a choice. Maybe she made the right one. She can't really remember.

"They said you were kind of...talking on the table," Spencer says, sitting back down in his chair, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Were you–were you dreaming or something?"

Fin pauses for a moment, attempting to think back. "All I remember is light and–and warmth. It was really warm."

"Are you feeling okay?"

Fin squeezes his hand, smiling over at him, and she can do nothing but tell the truth, because as far as she's concerned, that light and warmth are in this room still, and perhaps she's hallucinating, but she feels like someone is watching her, caring for her. "I've never felt better."

matthew mcconaughey as ben cameron

uriah shelton as oliver cameron

~

everything that was said in this chapter is not just true for fin. it's true for all of you. i love you all so much <3 thank you for making the past few years of my life a joy. 

this chapter went surprisingly fast, but i've been so excited to write it. i just had to finish it tonight to give y'all a triple update this week.