❝To your mad world--one answer: I refuse.❞

MARINA TSVETAEVA

✩

3.3: endgame

(tw: blood, death)

an: read this slowly and carefully. this is what i've been building up to for eighty chapters, both books combined. this is not the end of the book, but it is the climax, and so it's very important that you pay close attention. this is what you've been waiting for.

buckle up.

WHITE-HOT PAIN. Something warm and wet between her fingers. The urge to vomit. Someone screaming her name.

 There's a voice in the back of Fin's mind that sounds oddly like Spencer, telling her to sit up, stop the bleeding, wake up Fin, you can't give up here.

Fighting the urge to vomit everywhere, Fin pushes herself up on one elbow. She doesn't remember falling. Pain knifes through her abdomen like a burning poker, and Fin glances blearily down at her hand, covered in blood. Her blood.

Blood isn't spurting, the voice in her mind whispers. That means it didn't hit an artery. Look at where it is. What organs did it hit?

The blood is on her left hand. Her left side.

Did it go all the way through?

With difficulty, Fin reaches beneath her, pulling her shirt up, and touches the skin of her back with bloody fingers. It's unbroken.

Good. That means it'll bleed less. What organs are on the left side?

Fin attempts to think through the pain and the ringing in her ears. Large intestine... spleen... a kidney, maybe...

Is it high on the abdomen?

No, no... Just above her hip. Fin presses her hand tighter to the wound, hissing softly through her teeth at the sharp, stinging pain.

That means your pancreas and spleen are safe. It might've hit your large intestine. That means a risk of infection.

Infection... But not bleeding out. Not if Fin is smart. She blinks, attempting to gather her surroundings.

She is lying at Lars's feet, next to Bauer's body. Esther is nowhere to be seen.

As she pushes herself up higher on her elbow, she feels something hard and cold press into her stomach, and relief mixes with the pain and nausea. Spencer's phone is still intact. That means the team could be on their way.

"Fin," Lars sobs, bending down as far as the restraints on her arms will allow her to. "Fin, are you okay?"

"'M fine," Fin whispers, her mouth very dry. "Hurts like hell, though."

Sooner or later, the adrenaline will kick in. As long as it doesn't bring shock with it, Fin will be fine. She doesn't plan on dying any time soon.

"Listen, Lars–" Fin pulls herself closer to Lars, lowering her voice to barely a whisper– "I need you...to help me."

"With what?" Lars replies shakily, tears still streaming down her face. "How can I–?"

"Shh." Fin shakes her head, wincing as another wave of terrible, blinding pain shoots through her stomach. "Just listen. I need her to let her guard down. I'm gonna try and make her think I'm on her side, and I need you to stay quiet unless she talks to you specifically. Act like you might be convinced, but not fully."

Lars opens her mouth to argue, but Fin interrupts. "Please–Don't argue. I'm stalling for time; my team is probably on their way right now. We just need to hang on until they get here."

Fin hopes the team is on their way. She is convincing herself just as much as Lars. It's been over an hour. Maybe they haven't noticed she's gone.

Maybe it's better that she's out of their way.

No. Stop. That's not true and you know it.

Footsteps echo up the stairs and Fin moves away from Lars, pressing both hands tightly to her stomach, bile rising in her throat at the feeling of blood between her fingers. She needs to make herself look as weak and helpless as possible.

Esther appears at the top of the stairs, Bauer's gun in her hand once again, and she wrinkles her nose, staring down at Fin. "I didn't want to do that, sugar. You forced my hand."

Fin focuses on the pain knifing through her abdomen, on the very real possibility that the team will not make it to her in time, and unsurprisingly, the tears she needs flow easily. Crying is a new kind of pain, twisting her stomach into a knot of agony, but Fin needs this to work. The pain is worth it.

"I'm sorry," she chokes out between sobs. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

"Sorry?" Esther raises her eyebrows. "Well, that's certainly a change."

"I was wrong. I've always been so–so afraid of men, of what they might do, and I'm just so tired. I want to leave. I want to get out."

"What happened to the Hazel who thought I was a monster for the things I did?" Esther pulls a chair out of the darkness and sits down, leaning forward to look into Fin's eyes. "Who was so ready to defend all the men in her life?"

"I've been lying to myself," Fin blubbers, real tears of pain and anger pouring down her cheeks. "And I really–I just–I miss our family."

"Fin..." Now Lars is crying again, and Fin is hopeful that this will be enough to convince Esther. "I'm so sorry I left for college. I should've stayed with you. We should've stayed in Biloxi, near Mama–"

The word mama is nearly as painful as the wound in Fin's stomach. Esther does not deserve to be called that. But she must pretend not to care.

"I knew you'd come around," Esther says slowly, a chilling smile creeping across her face. "I prayed every day in my cell that you'd see that all I wanted was to keep you safe. I prayed you'd forgive me."

"I wish I'd gotten those letters you sent," Fin replies, sniffling weakly. She hates how she sounds. She sounds pathetic. "I wish I could've seen that you were right before now."

"Me too, sugar, me too." Esther tucks the gun into the waistband of her jeans. "But you had to see it for yourself."

"Where do we go?" Fin asks. She is trying not to think about the alarms going off in her brain, the voice of her first aid instructor reminding her that when you're stabbed in the torso, the worst possible thing you can do is pull the object out. "Do you have a plan?"

"Of course I do," Esther replies softly, almost gently. "We'll go to Mexico, live there together. I've got a friend who's a forger and can get us passports, IDs, everything we need. And we'll never be dependent on anybody else. It'll be just us."

"How will we get there?" Fin bites her lip, another wave of nausea threatening to overwhelm her. And heat. It is so hot in this room. Sweat beads on her forehead and threatens to drip into her eyes. Focus.

"Go down to Biloxi, take a boat from there to Cancún. My friend lives in a village two hours outside the city that's very small. Nobody'll ask questions."

"When do we leave?" Lars asks quietly, lifting her head up, looking through her lashes at Esther.

"Soon, pumpkin. Soon." Esther gives her what she obviously means as an encouraging smile, but it's more of a leer. "As soon as we're sure that the BAU isn't coming to save little Hazel. Looks like they forgot about you, huh? They don't care as much as you thought they did, do they?"

"No." Fin shakes her head. It hurts to lie. But it will hurt more to die for the truth. "They don't care."

"That's my girl," Esther croons. "You see, everything I ever did was for you. All I wanted was to make the world a safer place, to keep you both away from the dangers of men. I realized it after a friend of mine was hurt by evil men in prison, and she took her own life to get away from the pain. I could never forgive myself if that happened to either one of you. It's my job to protect you, and I couldn't do that behind bars."

Slowly, the pain in Fin's abdomen ebbs as a feeling of numbness takes its place. The adrenaline is kicking in now, and with it comes clarity that Fin desperately needs. She can finally think. Esther's talking about Riley Yarbrough, her stressor, and Fin was right about what she wanted. She doesn't want to kill anymore; she wants to protect. And she'll do so by any means.

So Fin must appeal to her maternal instinct.

She screws up her face, acting as though she's in extreme pain–it is not difficult, all things considered–and whimpers pathetically.

Esther frowns at her. "Hazel?"

"I need...medical attention," Fin groans, curling into a ball, hands pressed tightly against her stomach. The bleeding seems to have slowed, which is good; abdominal wounds have the advantage of lots of tight vessels and muscles which constrict if penetrated. That means it's not as bad as she's making it out to be. "If this gets infected, I could–I could die. It hurts so bad. Please."

"Please, Mama," Lars begs. She's playing along convincingly. Fin whispers a silent prayer of thanks for her acting skills. "Please. We can't go to Mexico with her like this."

"What the hell do you think, that I can just walk into some hospital like anybody else?" Esther laughs incredulously. "I can't take you to the doctor, Hazel-O."

"I don't...need a doctor," Fin says through gritted teeth, pushing herself up on her elbows again, using Lars's good leg to pull herself up to a sitting position. Spencer's phone digs painfully into her stomach and she welcomes the feeling. It is a feeling of hope, however uncomfortable. "Just–just get me something to clean it with and...bandages, I can do it myself. But–but it has to be soon. Please."

Esther stands up, hands on her hips, her eyes moving from Fin to Lars and back again, clearly parsing out all of her options. Then she sighs. "Fine. Wouldn't be much help as dead weight, anyway."

As she turns to head down the stairs, soft moonlight from a crack in the roof illuminating the gun in her waistband, Fin realizes this plan is flawed. "Wait! Don't leave us here."

Esther turns around, eyebrows raised. "Hm?"

"Don't leave us here," Fin repeats, once again using Lars as a brace, pushing herself to stand with one arm. Pain shoots through her abdomen briefly, but quickly ebbs away. She is grateful for the miracle of adrenaline. "The BAU might find us. They've got a brilliant tech analyst. She's too good at her job."

"Please, take us with you," Lars begs, real tears welling up in her eyes again. Fin glances down at her ankle; it's swelling more and more rapidly. She needs a doctor, too, and quickly. They're both running out of time.

Fin's heart races as she stares at Esther, praying desperately that this will work. Praying that as they stand here, the BAU is on their way. Because if they aren't, none of this matters. And Fin will die here.

She does not want to die.

God, if you let me live, I swear I'll never push the team away. I'll give my life to stopping people like her. To saving kids like me. I just want to see Spencer again. Please. Just let me see him again.

Esther sighs again, shaking her head, and walks back around Lars's chair, bending down and using her knife to cut the zip ties holding Lars there. Lars winces, rubbing her sore wrists.

"Can you walk?" Fin asks, and Lars purses her lips uncomfortably.

"I don't know. I'll try."

She attempts to stand, using the chair to steady herself, but the minute she puts any weight on her broken ankle, her face goes deathly white and she drops back into the chair, shaking her head. "No. No, I can't."

"Lean on me." Fin keeps her left hand tightly over her own wound, pulling Lars up with her right and looping Lars's arm over her shoulder. "Come on, I've got you."

"Here, let me look at that," Esther says, reaching out and pulling Fin's shirt up slightly to inspect her wound, bending down to see better.

There is a clattering sound, louder than anything Fin thinks she has ever heard. It sends a chill up her spine.

All three of them look down at the floor.

Spencer's phone is there. Esther must have dislodged it when she untucked Fin's shirt.

There is a terrifying silence. No one speaks. Fin's ears are ringing again.

Then Esther looks up, her eyes cold and steely, staring at Fin with a kind of chilly betrayal. "You've been stalling for time, haven't you? Waiting for your damn FBI friends to come and find you?"

Fin will not lie. It is useless.

Esther screams in anger, winding her arm back, and before Fin can react, she's on the floor, her jaw stinging, and Lars is crying again.

"Get back in the damn chair!" Esther shoves her down into the chair, eyes flashing red. "You fucking bitch, I did my best to protect you and now–"

Fin is done. She is done pretending. It is now or never. Either the BAU is coming or they are not.

This is the endgame.

She pushes herself to stand again, fighting the nausea and the pain and the bleeding and the exhaustion that is threatening to overwhelm her, and faces Esther, standing up to her full height.

Esther slaps Lars hard across the face, the sound echoing through the room, and the blood begins to rush to Fin's ears again.

"Leave her alone."

Esther looks over at Fin and her eyes narrow. "You ungrateful little slut. Selling your life out to men, serving them, and you have the audacity to tell me what to do with my daughter?"

"She is not your daughter," Fin says, grimacing as pain shoots through her stomach again. "And neither am I. You ruined that a long time ago."

"I did what I had to–"

"No. You did what you wanted to do. You were a selfish bitch and you took our lives away from us." Fin swallows hard, bile rising in her throat as she attempts to walk forward, every step a stab of white-hot pain in her abdomen. "I used to blame you for everything. I used to think you caused every bad thing in my life. That wasn't true. Part of it was me. But I was twelve when my childhood ended. I had to tell a jury what you did to me, every damn thing you did."

"I had to teach you what pain felt like," Esther hisses. "I was helping you grow."

"No, you were venting your pain and your anger onto your children." Fin stands straight up, facing her, inches from her. "And congratulations. You successfully killed them all. You don't have children anymore."

Esther pulls back her arm again, ready to hit Fin, but Fin is ready this time. She grabs Esther's arm, forcing it out of the way, and lands a punch of her own, square in Esther's face. And she punches again. And again.

Esther stumbles back, clutching her jaw, but Fin is not retreating. She whips Esther around, trapping her arm behind her back, and knees her in the ribs, sending her to the ground.

Esther lands hard on the floor, groaning, and Fin stands over her, the adrenaline returning. This ends tonight.

"You disrespectful little whore–" Esther stands up, eyes narrowed, cold and filled with malice, and launches herself at Fin. But Fin is the one who spent years training with FBI instructors. She is prepared for this.

She lands two solid punches again, one to the nose and the other to the side of the face, dodging Esther's flailing arms, and slams Esther full-on in the chest, throwing her to the floor. Fin ignores the pain in her stomach and the blood seeping down into her jeans. Nothing matters anymore.

As Esther struggles to stand, Fin pauses, half doubled over, pressing tightly on her stomach. Did she hear–?

And then she hears it again and the relief almost knocks her over. The sound of tires crunching against gravel. Car doors slamming. Footsteps outside.

They are here to save her.

"FIN!"

Fin jerks her head back toward Esther just in time to knock the gun out of her hand, sending it clattering across the floor. And then Lars comes barrelling in, flooring Esther with a solid punch to the jaw.

Esther aims a kick at Lars's bad ankle, and Lars turns green, collapsing to the floor. Fin is on her own.

But not for long. The barn doors below slam open and she hears Morgan and Emily's voices calling her name: "Fin! Fin!"

Hotch's voice, too: "Esther Hayward, this is the FBI! Come out with your hands up!"

Blair and Ethan's voices join Morgan and Emily's.

They are all here for her.

It worked.

Esther snarls angrily and lunges for the gun, but Fin is quicker: She sticks her foot out in front of Esther, tripping her, and dives on the floor for the gun. Pain knifes through her abdomen, worse than ever before, and nearly blinds her–but that is not enough to keep her from standing back up and firing three bullets into Esther's direction.

All three of them hit.

Two in the leg, one in the arm.

Esther screams in pain, and below, Morgan shouts, "Shots fired! Upstairs! Find the stairs!"

Fin stands over her mother, adrenaline and pain coursing through her body, blood seeping from the wound in her stomach, Bauer's gun pointing directly at her forehead.

"What do you want?" Esther whimpers, attempting to crawl away from Fin, blood now pooling beneath her. She does not have long. Fin does not miss. "Anything, anything–"

"There is nothing you can say," Fin replies coolly. "I want my father back. I want Ollie back. And you can't give them to me."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm–"

"No, you're not." Fin shakes her head. "You're a psychopath. You don't know what the word 'sorry' means."

"Hazel–"

"My name is Fin. You don't have the right to call me that."

"Please." Esther looks pathetic now, lying on the floor, her face deathly pale, begging for her life. "Please, let me–"

"Fin!" Hotch is the first one up the stairs, his gun pointing directly at her. "Fin, stop–"

"You've taken fourteen years of my life from me," Fin says calmly, ignoring Hotch. "I can't live this way anymore."

"Fin–" JJ's there, too, and Ethan now. "Stop–"

"But I want you to know that I forgive you."

And she fires the final shot.

It echoes in the deafening silence.

Esther stares straight ahead.

Eyes blank.

A perfect round hole in her forehead.

It is over.

And Fin collapses to the floor, exhaustion and knifing pain overwhelming the adrenaline. She did it. Esther is gone.

Now she can rest.

Strong arms pull her up, lifting her head. Morgan's voice is muffled through the ringing in her ears. "Fin, Fin, hey, I've got you. I've got you."

"Lars," Fin whispers, attempting to keep her eyes open through the sudden exhaustion, the fog in her mind. "Is she–?"

"JJ and Emily are taking care of her," Morgan replies gently. "Come on, stay awake for me. There's an ambulance outside, they'll take good care of you."

And he lifts her into his arms easily, carrying her bridal style, careful not to hurt her. Fin feels sleep pulling at her, threatening to force her eyes shut, to seduce her into its depths. She fights to keep her eyes open, searching for someone, searching for him–

The minute they are outside in the cool night air, Fin feels free from the stifling heat of the barn. She stares up at the stars in the sky and thanks God silently for being able to see them again.

"HAZEL!"

Morgan lays her down, her back hitting the gurney, but Fin doesn't care. She struggles to sit up, her heart pounding, hearing his voice–

And then Spencer is there, leaning over her, his hand in hers, and she is gasping for breath, saying his name over and over like it is the only word she knows, the only word that matters.

"Hey, hey, I'm here," he says, squeezing her hand, tears welling in his eyes. "I'm here. You're okay."

"Reid, she's got to go to the hospital now," Morgan says quietly, his voice urgent.

"What, why?" Spencer glances over at him, frowning.

"She's been stabbed. She's lost a lot of blood already."

"Hotch..." Fin squeezes Spencer's hand weakly, trying to get his attention. "Hotch..."

"HOTCH!" Spencer stares around wildly. "Hotch, get over here!"

And now Hotch is by her side, his face blurring at the edges. "I'm here, Fin, I'm here."

"Bauer–" Her breath hitches, but she will not fall asleep yet, not yet, she has to say this– "Bauer's...dead, Aaron. It's–it's my–"

"It's not your fault, Fin." Hotch shakes his head. "It's not. Just rest, okay?"

"I'm–I'm sorry," Fin breathes. "I had to–"

"No," Hotch says softly, touching her face gently with his hand. "No. I'm proud of you. You did good."

Something warm and wet is on her face, and Fin realizes she is crying. And then the gurney beneath her is moving, pulling her away from Spencer, Hotch, and Morgan and into the back of the ambulance. She doesn't have the strength to reach out for them, she is so tired...

"Reid, go." Morgan's voice comes to her like in a dream. "Go now."

"Spencer..." Fin breathes, and there is a hand on her stomach, pulling her shirt up. "No, stop..."

"It's okay, ma'am," says an unfamiliar voice. "We're gonna take care of you. You're gonna be okay, just stay awake for me, alright?"

"No, no, Spencer..." Fin is so tired, but she wants to see Spencer.

"Hey, hey, I'm right here." A warm hand takes hers and Spencer's voice is soft in her ear. Fin wants to tell him that he shouldn't hold her hand, he'll get blood everywhere, but darkness clouds her vision and she's just so happy that Spencer is here, that she gets to be with him...

And there's a jab in her arm and then the pain goes away...

"Ma'am, hey, stay awake for me, okay..."

"Hazel, come on, stay awake, focus on my voice..."

"She's lost a lot of blood... might have hit her colon... potential infection... surgery..."

"Hazel, baby, hey." Spencer squeezes her hand. "Look at me."

Fin smiles weakly at him. "I love you."

But the words don't come out of her mouth, they just stay there, and then she's drifting off, into a deep, black, peaceful oblivion...

~

RAHHHH esther's dead!!!!! ugh y'all have no idea how long i've been waiting to write this chapter. it feels so cathartic for me and for fin. i was gonna wait until saturday but this chapter was too important, i thought y'all deserved it early

i think i might be able to crank out another chapter for saturday, so you might get three this week. but no promises...