❝At times, my life seems to be nothing but a series of remorse, of wrong choices, of irreversible mistakes.❞

PAUL AUSTER

✩

2.9 : stupid, useless, guilty

(tw: death)

FIN WONDERS VAGUELY HOW SHE COULD HAVE BEEN SO STUPID. It was always happening today. It was right in front of her face. She is an idiot. This is all her fault. And now they have three hours until time runs out.

 Because it is 9:04 p.m., August 26, 2011. At midnight, it will be August 27. It will mark fourteen years exactly that Hazel Cameron testified against her mother in that tiny courtroom in Biloxi. The day that both of their lives changed forever. The day that Esther believes destroyed their family.

She is wrong. Their family was destroyed the minute Esther didn't come home, the minute she chose to be a victim after that awful night.

Fin teeters on the edge of blacking out, but never seems to quite get there. She clings to Spencer as Penelope explains everything to Hotch and Rossi, her ears still ringing, feeling as though she might throw up.

"Hotch," Fin breathes finally, and everyone stops talking to look at her. "Tomorrow–tomorrow's the anniversary of the trial. It's her endgame."

Hotch nods, mouth a thin, worried line. "We have to get over to that safe house. We only have three hours. JJ, Morgan, Emily–"

"I'm coming." Fin lets go of Spencer, praying her legs can support her this time.

"Absolutely not." Hotch shakes his head. "You're too emotionally involved–"

"To hell with that." Fin stands her ground, staring at him without blinking. "My sister could be dead, Hotch." The word dead rings in her ears like a bell tolling endlessly.

"I won't allow it–"

"Aaron." Fin says his name through gritted teeth, swallowing past the sudden lump in her throat. "Please."

"Hotch." Emily puts a hand on his arm, nodding. "We'll keep her safe. Let her go."

"No." This time, it's Spencer who's shaking his head. "That's not a good idea."

"Spencer, please." Fin squeezes his hand tightly. "I have to see it. I need to see what she's done."

"I can't lose you," he whispers, his eyes wide and scared.

"Lars is all I have left," Fin replies, her voice quavering. "I can't–I can't stay here."

"Enough." Hotch's voice cuts through the tension like a knife. "We're wasting valuable time. Fin, if you want to go, get your gear and let's go."

Fin pulls Spencer in for a quick, intense kiss, hoping that he understands how she feels, how she wishes none of this was happening, how much she loves him, and then follows Morgan, JJ, Emily, and Hotch toward the elevators.

She sits in the passenger seat of the SUV as Morgan leads the way out of the parking lot, knuckles white on the door handle. No one says a word; all of them are afraid. It feels the same way that it did when Foyet had Haley and Jack. None of them really knew Haley, but Hotch did, and they felt what he felt.

In the same way, Morgan and JJ are just as worried as Fin is, and as if he can read her mind, Morgan reaches across the console and takes her hand in his, squeezing tightly. Fin closes her eyes and exhales, praying please please please please please.

Twenty minutes feels like four hours and also like twenty seconds, but somehow, they are there, and Fin is leaping out of the SUV with her gun drawn, following Morgan and Hotch toward the front door. It is slightly ajar, and Fin's heart pounds in her throat.

Morgan and Fin turn left into the kitchen, and Fin hears Hotch, JJ, and Emily turn right, down another hallway toward the bedrooms.

The kitchen appears to be empty. There is a half-eaten bowl of cereal on the counter, and as Fin turns the corner, she sucks in a breath. "Derek." There is an agent on the floor, lying in a pool of his own blood, his throat a gaping mess. His eyes are wide open with surprise.

Morgan hurries back in from the living room, and when he sees it, closes his eyes, sighing. "Damn."

There were three agents on duty tonight. Fin does not remember all of their names. She hadn't met all of them yet. But she does remember Adrian Bauer. Dark hair, dark eyes, an easy smile, tattoos, large biceps... Exactly Lars's type, which is something Fin was worried about when he was assigned to her detail.

Thankfully, the agent on the floor is not him.

"Hotch, we got a body down here," Morgan says into the microphone attached to his vest. "Looks like an agent, slit throat. But otherwise, it's clear."

"We've got a body here, too," Hotch replies. "In the hall bathroom. Same M.O."

Numbly, Fin follows Morgan back into the front hallway, where Hotch, Emily, and JJ are standing, their expressions grim. "Just two bodies?" Morgan asks.

Hotch nods. "Gary Hill and Jason Ortega. Garcia confirmed they were supposed to be on duty tonight. There is another agent, Adrian Bauer, who is missing."

"Esther couldn't overpower Lars by herself," Fin mutters, leaning against the wall for support. "She probably forced Bauer to help her. He's in danger, too."

"Lars is still alive," JJ says. "That's a good thing. She won't kill her for no reason."

"She's just going to use her to get to me." Fin shakes her head. "I don't think she really wants either of us dead. At least right now. If Lars pisses her off... I can't make any guarantees. What she really wants is for Lars and I to forgive her and be a family again. I don't know how to fake giving that to her."

"Lars's cell phone was missing from her bedroom," Emily says. "Did you guys find it anywhere else?"

Fin shakes her head. "No."

Quickly, Morgan pulls out his phone and dials Penelope's number, holding it out so everyone can hear. It rings only twice before Penelope picks up. "Is everyone okay? Are you all okay?"

"We're all fine, Garcia," Morgan replies. On a normal day, he would smile, but today is far from normal. "Listen, can you track Lars's cell phone? We didn't find it here."

"I can try." There's a momentary pause, filled by the sounds of furious typing, and then Penelope sighs. "No, it's been turned off."

"Shit." Fin rubs her temples, her head still spinning. It feels like there's an earthquake beneath her feet, vibrating her very bones, forcing her knees to buckle.

"Where's the last tower it pinged?" Hotch asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Uh...just a mile from there, heading south toward Boswell's Corner. After that, I've got nothing."

"Alright, thanks, Garcia." Morgan hangs up, frowning. "We've got nothing. We have no idea where she's at, except that it's somewhere near here, Fin's house, and that gas station. That's dozens, if not hundreds, of square miles to cover, and we've only got–" He checks his watch– "two hours left. We're not gonna make it."

Fin closes her eyes, feeling the wall press firmly against her lower back, and inhales slowly. Please please please please please–

"We know her plan only works with Fin in it," Emily says. "So what if we go back to the BAU and wait for her to come to us?"

Hotch nods. "That's the only thing we can do."

Fin wants to scream. She is angry and afraid and she feels so damn guilty. She should have known it would happen today. It is all her fault.

"Come on, angel." Morgan puts a hand on her shoulder, leading her out the door, toward the SUVs.

Fin shakes his hand off. Everyone keeps staring at her, they're all judging her, they all know it's her fault. She wishes there was something she could throw. Then they could watch something else break into pieces.

Rossi, Spencer, and Penelope are all sitting in the bullpen, waiting, and when the doors open, they all leap to their feet, faces shining expectantly, their eyes flying to Fin. But when they see her face, their expressions immediately go from hopeful to concerned.

Fin pushes past them, dropping into her desk chair, hand over her mouth. She doesn't want to hear their apologies, their regrets. All she can think about is the bodies. Their eyes, staring upward, seeing nothing. Knowing she will have to tell their families what happened. Two more funerals to attend.

Faintly, she hears Spencer ask, "What happened?"

Hotch replies, but Fin only catches a few words: "...got there first... empty... two agents... Bauer... Lars is missing... blaming herself..."

Damn right Fin is blaming herself. She is stupid. She is everything Esther always told her she was. Stupid. Useless. Guilty. It is her fault that Adrian Bauer and Lars are somewhere with her psychopathic serial killer mother. She could have stopped this if she wasn't such an idiot.

Their blood will be on her hands.

"Um, Fin."

Fin glances up, blinking, and looks at Penelope. "Hm?"

"Uh, I'm running a program that will check every security camera in the twenty-mile area surrounding here," Penelope says, a little hesitantly. "I'll find her, I promise. I will."

Fin nods slowly. It won't matter. She's coming anyway. The clock is ticking.

"It's not your fault, Fin," Penelope whispers.

It is entirely my fault. Lars told her to stop blaming other people for her problems, to stop being a victim. She's taking responsibility now. Lars would be proud.

"We're all behind you." Penelope places a hand on Fin's shoulder, squeezing gently.

"Oh, shut up, Garcia!" Fin pushes her hand away, feeling suddenly claustrophobic, surrounded by regret and sympathy and darkness. "Don't you ever fucking shut your mouth?" She pushes her chair back, walking down the bullpen, running her hands through her hair.

When she looks back at the team, she immediately regrets the things she said. Spencer is staring at her, mouth open in surprise; Hotch is frowning at her disapprovingly; and Penelope, sweet Penelope. Her bottom lip is trembling and her eyes are brimming with tears.

But this does not make everything okay. Fin is still angry. And when Rossi says, "Fin, it's not fair to blame yourself for this," she loses it.

"It is my fault! Everything is my fault! I chose to come here, I put all of you in danger, I ignored my sister, and now she's here and she's missing, and I didn't do a thing when she was pointing that gun at my brother! I just hid! Like a coward! And now God hates me or whatever, because she's coming after me, too! I deserve it!"

"Hazel," Spencer starts, but Fin will not hear it.

"And this is what I do: I push people away. I push people away to keep them safe, and they get hurt anyway, because they don't ever take the damn hint. You wouldn't ever leave me alone, wouldn't let me keep you out of danger, and now look what happened! I said I couldn't lose you, but you wouldn't listen to me."

"Fin–" Emily attempts quietly.

"Maybe–maybe I deserve this." Fin is coming to the realization that perhaps the universe is punishing her for her sins. "I should just let her have me. That way, you could all live your lives. I deserve it."

"No." Penelope shakes her head, tears pouring silently down her cheeks. "No, you don't."

"Yes, I do." Fin swallows hard. "Because of me, my sister could be–" She can't bring herself to say the word, but at the same time, what word would she use? Dead? Dying? Lost? Afraid? Lars could be all of those things.

And then the dam breaks and the anger is covered over by fear and exhaustion and grief. Fin's legs give out and she drops to her knees, landing hard on the carpet, covering her face with her hands, already sobbing. They are awful, heart-wrenching sobs, racking her body like a violent cough, coming from the deepest part of her.

This time, she has no strength to push away the arms that come around her neck, the head that leans against hers, the familiar vanilla perfume that screams JJ. Another pair of arms wrap around her shoulders, and Emily whispers, "It is not your fault, Fin. It was never your fault."

Fin is afraid. She is losing it. She is sobbing on the BAU floor while JJ and Emily hold her.

Fin is weak.

But maybe the beauty of family is that when you're weak, they can be strong for you.

~

;-; bau family makes me wanna cry.