❝Wasn't that the definition of home? Not where you are from, but where you are wanted.❞

ABRAHAM VERGHESE

✩

2.4 : oxygen

THE CONFERENCE ROOM FEELS AS THOUGH ALL THE AIR HAS BEEN SUCKED OUT OF IT. Fin struggles to get a deep breath. It feels like there is a ton of concrete resting on her chest. Spencer squeezes her hand gently. Every eye is upon her. 

 Dropping her shoulders, she swallows hard and does the hardest thing imaginable: She begins. "My name is not Hazel Finley. Or at least, it hasn't always been. It used to be Hazel Cameron, but I was entered into Witness Protection when I was fourteen because my father and brother were murdered by the Mercy Killer."

Penelope gasps, shaking hand pressed to her mouth, her other hand gripping Morgan's bicep tightly. No one says a word, so Fin keeps going.

"That's the reason I became a profiler, to help other people who were in the situation I'd been in. It's the reason I'm standing here right now. I never thought I'd have to talk about it again. But–" Fin's hand shakes in Spencer's, and he squeezes tightly– "three years ago, she was paroled. And last year, she murdered my ex-boyfriend and my landlady."

"What the hell?" Morgan's brows furrow darkly. "We've been keeping tabs on the Mercy Killer since she was paroled! How did I not know she was active again?"

Fin swallows hard, looks at Hotch, who crosses his arms defensively and replies, "Certain information has been withheld for confidentiality reasons."

"What the hell does that mean?" Morgan demands, vitriol coating his voice.

"Derek," Fin says quietly. "It's not his fault. It's mine."

Morgan's head whips back toward her, expression confused.

Another deep breath, no easier than the last. "Esther Hayward is my mother. She was tried under her maiden name. Thirteen years ago, she was Esther Cameron. I still don't know why she changed her name back."

If there was any oxygen in the room before, it's gone now. Everyone sucks in a breath, unsure of how to react. Penelope is already crying. Fin refuses to look at her, but she can hear the muffled sobs, the shaky breaths.

"Gideon and I consulted on that case," Rossi says quietly. "It was one of the last before I retired. The local P.D. had it mostly sewn up, but I went and testified based on the files I'd read. I remember hearing later that the nail in the coffin was the testimony of her two...young...daughters." As he says these last three words, his eyes slowly cut to Fin, a shadow of recognition crossing his face. The look in his eyes is enough to make her own eyes burn. She looks away.

"This...this wasn't in your file," whispers Penelope, lowering her hand from her mouth, red-rimmed eyes wide behind her glasses.

"Strauss...pulled some strings," Fin replies, avoiding her eyes. "She figured you'd look in my file, and I wanted to keep it a secret. So...she removed it. Not everything, but enough to keep people from asking questions."

"Does this have anything to do with you moving to Greece?" asks Emily, speaking for the first time in what feels like hours.

Fin nods, swallowing past the lump in her throat. "Right after Henry was born, someone started leaving jars of flowers outside my apartment, sometimes with notes. I assumed it was my ex-boyfriend, but it wasn't. It was her. She murdered my ex because he was close with my sister, and she left flowers outside Spencer's apartment, too. I knew she was watching me, and after my landlady... it was too dangerous for me to be here."

"We were tipped off to a safe house Hayward was reportedly using several months ago," Hotch says quietly. "Inside were several hundred surveillance photos, both of Fin and her sister...and all of us."

"Us?" Morgan asks, confused. "Why us? I thought her thing was rapists who got off easy."

"Esther's M.O. changed in prison," Spencer responds, before Fin can. She squeezes his hand gratefully. "A woman she was close to was assaulted and committed suicide. After that, she attempted to send letters to Hazel and her sister, saying that she was going to be the mother she should have been, that they would be a family again. We believe she's targeting anyone she believes to be an obstacle standing in the way of her and the fantasy she's projecting, which is the restoration of her family."

"And...that's us?" Emily's mouth is open slightly. "She wants to kill us?"

It is unimaginably difficult for Fin to nod her head. "I left to throw her off my trail, hoping that she'd cool down, but...she didn't. I even sent my sister to Germany, but somehow she knew about that, too. She followed my sister back from the airport, which is why I asked you–" She glances at Morgan– "to pick her up from that church. You saved my sister's life that night."

Morgan just stares at her. His expression is once again unreadable.

"Why didn't you tell us before?" asks JJ softly, her eyes searching, probing Fin's face. "We would've helped you."

"Because if you knew, you'd have been in even more danger," Fin says, blinking back tears of fear and sadness and exhaustion. "People act differently when they think they're being watched. The less she thought you knew, the better. I thought that if I could force her into making a mistake, then maybe I'd be able to get her without raising too many alarms."

"Fin came to me a year and a half ago, asking to be transferred to the Athens field office," Hotch adds. "She explained everything, and I agreed it would be safest if she was moved out of the country. She also suggested that everything be kept confidential, because if any of you were to know that a serial killer was targeting her, it would distract from your performance–"

"You're damn right it would!" Rossi exclaims hotly.

"Dave." Hotch narrows his eyebrows sternly, and after a short, tense pause, he continues. "So we created a joint taskforce with the CIA and Interpol, searching for a paper trail from Mississippi to D.C. and making sure Hayward never left the country."

"How many people know about this?" asks Emily.

"Before tonight, less than a dozen," Hotch replies.

"Spence, you knew?" JJ asks.

Spencer just nods, tightening his grip on Fin's hand.

There is an intense silence that pushes on Fin's chest like a thousand-pound weight, and then Morgan turns to look at her again, his arm around Penelope's shoulders protectively. "What I don't get is why it took this damn long to tell us," he says, enunciating each word carefully, cautiously, like a bomb that's ready to explode. "You've been back for months now, and you're just now telling us there's a serial killer on our asses? That we could die tomorrow?"

"I'm sorry," Fin whispers, the tears she's held at bay all night ready to spill over. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I just–I was so tired of being judged because of her. I just wanted people to know me for who I was, not because my mother was a murderous psychopath. I was afraid if I told anyone, you'd treat me like...something fragile. Something broken."

"We would never judge you," Penelope says shakily, brushing tears from her cheeks.

"We're all broken people, Fin," Emily adds sadly. "All of us have ghosts that haunt us."

"No." Fin shakes her head. "Not like this."

"Dammit, Fin, you think you're special?" Morgan raises his eyebrows at her, almost mockingly. "You think you're the only one who had a fucked up childhood?" He slams his hand down on the table. Fin flinches, a tear finally escaping, dropping onto her t-shirt. "I watched my dad die in front of me when I was ten years old! Rossi's wife just died in his arms! Reid's been kidnapped and tortured! Prentiss has died, for God's sake! JJ–"

"I watched my mother shoot my brother in the head when I was fourteen!" Fin isn't shouting, but the words tear at her throat all the same. "I lost my entire family, Derek! And now she wants to take that away from me again! She wants to take the people I love away from me! I can't lose my family again." Her voice breaks on the last word, and finally, the exhaustion beats out her willpower, and the tears begin to flow. She covers her face with her hands, sobbing into her fingers, a thousand years of pain and suppression pouring out.

And then strong arms wrap around her, one around her waist and one around her shoulders, a hand pulling her head into a muscular chest. The last of Fin's resolve melts away, and she gasps for air in this room with no oxygen, filling it instead with tears and anger and relief.

"I won't let her do that," Morgan says quietly, his voice vibrating against her ear. "You won't lose us."

"We'll get her," Emily promises, her hand warm against Fin's shoulder.

Slowly, the oxygen is returned to the room. Fin pulls away from Morgan, wiping her eyes, mouthing "Thank you" at him.

Hotch checks his watch. "It's late. Everyone go home and get some rest. We'll have a formal briefing tomorrow with DI Ethan Chamberlain and SSO Blair Tran, but not an early one. Sleep in. That's an order."

Fin accepts hugs from Penelope, JJ, Rossi, and Emily, and walks toward the elevators with Spencer, feeling slightly numb, as if she has poured all her emotions out.

But the feeling inside returns when the elevator doors close and Spencer pulls her into his arms, resting his chin on her head. "I'm proud of you," he whispers, and Fin pulls him closer, sighing as a new sensation washes over her: peace.

She could get used to that.

~

SO PROUD OF MY GIRL!!!! this chapter was seriously so hard to write, both emotionally and mentally. trying to work out telling everyone everything and in character... writing is hard. 

also because i'd like to get this story finished (!) and move on to some other highly requested fics, i'm gonna do my best to update twice a week if i can. some of the upcoming chapters might be more difficult as i attempt to tie up every single loose end, but as of right now, that's my plan! bear with me <3