iii. stuntin' like sissy

The small home was a mess. Scavaged envelopes and papers littered the old, torn carpet covering the floor. Drawers pulled from their tracks and dumped onto the floor in a desperate attempt to find what they were looking for. Flashlights had been turned on and beads of sweat formed on the tired foreheads of those awake at four in the morning as the fans and cheap conditioning units no longer turned on. 

"Wake the fuck up, Emmy," Lynnox, in a fit of anger pushed her sister against the bare kitchen shelves as her eyelids threatened to close. 

The overhead cabinets shook and Emmy's eyes opened once more. Her breath reeked of cheap tequila and cigarette smoke. 

"Look, just calm down..." her words were slow and slurred and Emmy tripped over her own two feet while standing in one spot. While watching her Lynnox wanted nothing more than to ram her head into the overhead cabinets. "We'll find ─ we'll find the check."

"Will we find it, Emmy?" asked Lynnox as she began throwing random papers out of a thicker basket they kept under the coffee table in the middle of the living room. "Or did you decide to use that money on yourself... AGAIN?"

She threw the basket across the room, Emmy cringed and it hit her in the side. 

"Why do you always blame me?" Emmy cried in her drunken stupor. 

"Because you always fuck up!" said Lynnox. "The electric bill is your responsibility! Why didn't you mail the check out a week ago? Where in the hell have you been?"

For almost the entire week Lynnox had seen or heard from her older sister. Neither had Tommy. And when she showed up drunk and falling this evening they noticed that their electricity had been shut off because no one had paid the bill. Emmy had always been in charge of that, she passes the electric company on her way to work almost every day. And yet, here they stood, Emmy drunk and left with no electricity.

"Where's the fucking check, Emmy?" Lynnox yelled again. 

"I don't know, okay?!"

Lynnox's eyes widened, "You don't..." she paused, swallowing her anger. "You don't know?"

This check had come from the last bit of money Lynnox had made at her last job. 

"Kid... calm down," warned Tommy. 

"I lost it... I think," said Emmy quiet in her guilt. "I can't remember where I put it ─ I can't remember what happened."

"You ─ you lost it?"

Lynnox had moved from the living room and back into the kitchen where she stood before her sister. She stood only an inch or two below her as the high stilettos had been kicked off her feet. Lynnox grabbed Emmy's chin harshly, turning her face toward her own, she looked at her eyes and scoffed as the dilated, glassy pupils focused on her. 

"You're high, Emmy," she spits through her teeth, throwing Emmy's head back hard enough so that it hit the counters behind them. She flinched and Lynnox pushed her again, rattling the counters this time. "You're always fucking high!"

"Get the fuck off me!" Emmy yelled, trying to shove her little sister away, but Lynnox caught her wrists and backed against the counter again. "You're crazy!"

Lynnox leaned in close to Emmy, glowering at her, "Find the check, or I will choke the life out of you," she threatened lowly. "I swear Emmy, I am done."

"LYNNOX!" Tommy's voice boomed through the small house, she felt him behind her, pulling her away from Emmy. "That's enough! Get outta here! Go cool off or somethin'!"

She bit her lip. And before leaving the kitchen Lynnox shoved Emmy backward one last time and slammed the door to her bedroom so hard that it didn't have time to latch and instead bounced right back open. 

Unable to come down from the high of adrenaline she paced her room and shook out her aching hands that still wished they'd found their way around Emmy's throat. She hated her sister. Hated her with everything she could. Lynnox slapped at her door. This time it shut. With a loud slam that once again echoed through the small home. She could still hear Emmy yelling in the kitchen. Tommy willed the drunken girl to shut up and go lay down on the couch while he clean the mess that was made in his house. 

Lynnox wanted to go and help Tommy. She'd been most of the reason for the mess as she tore the drawers from their tracks and threw everything inside at Emmy. Shoving enveloped in her face, continuously asking where the check for the electric bill had gone. But she knew better. If she'd go back in there she very well might kill Emmy.

There was never a time when Lynnox remembered loving or being loved by her older sister. Emmy resented Lynnox. She hated her for everything even for existing. Because to her, Lynnox was to blame for everything. Lynnox was the reason that her parents were addicts. It was Lynnox's fault that they'd been left on the porch of a stranger's home. She was the reason Emmy couldn't have the life she wanted. 

And Emmy was insanely jealous of her little sister. Watching Lynnox live her teenage days sent a rage she'd never known before through her body. Lynnox was popular. She was desired and free. She was living her teenage years the way Emmy wished she could've. Emmy wanted to be popular and to date the popular boys. She wanted to be wanted. 

Lynnox lived in a constant state of disappointment when it came to her older sister. She never did look up to her or wish to be like her. Lynnox thought that life would be easier if Emmy left and finally decided to stay gone. She was a burden, making life harder for everyone around her. Lynnox doesn't think she'd ever miss Emmy if she did end up never coming back. She wouldn't go looking for her and she wouldn't bother with worrying about where she ended up. Lynnox would be relieved. 

Everyone always says sisters squabble. They fight and argue but at the end of the day, they'll love each other. But this case was different. For each sister, the other was a burden on their life. There was no redemption to be found for the two. Their fights were beyond a sisterly squabble. There was no love for the other. Their wishes for the other to die and threats to kill one another were real. Multiple times already Lynnox had been the reason for Emmy needing medical attention. 

Lynnox and Emmy may be sisters but they had no sense of a familial bond.

The morning was dry and humid. Her hair stuck to the back of her sweaty neck. There was nothing to cool the inside of her room besides the small window in her room. The covers on her bed had been thrown to the floor. And she was tired from being woken up at three in the morning from a drunken idiot.

There was very little that Lynnox could do to make herself presentable that morning. She'd showered as she did every morning. But her hair even while trying to straighten it would frizz outward. So, in a fit, she rummaged through her bedside table drawer until she found a large, clear claw clip that she used to pull her long hair off her neck. Lynnox let a few strands drop in front of her face. It was cute, in a messy kind of way. 

Having woken up late she grabbed something quick to throw on for school. A pair of pink tracks pants that she'd found at the nearest Salvation Army for a dollar. She pulled them up past her belly button. For her shirt, she found a quick, random t-shirt with the name of a band she'd never heard of but the font lettering matched the pink in her pants. She'd cut this one a while ago, making it into a short crop-top. For shoes, she laced up her favorite find yet. A platformed pair of Doc Martin's that she'd got just a few weeks ago from a Goodwill bin. 

And then she was on her way. Minimal makeup and minimal effort. She hated the feeling. 

The school was loud. Too loud for someone who had less than three hours of sleep the night before. Lynnox stood beside Lexi and Cyrus who lingered with her at her locker. They'd started a conversation about a book Lynnox hadn't read while she applied a stolen lipgloss to her lips. 

While staring in the mirror she pulled at the bags under her eyes. No amount of concealer under her eyes was able to cover the shadow. Her lips were slightly chapped and her skin flushed. Growing tired of looking at her reflection she slammed her locker shut. 

Lexi gasped, but it hadn't been from Lynnox's sudden fit of anger, as her gaze was down the hall, "Oh..." she said quickly. "Wow!"

Turning, Lynnox searched for what had her best friend's attention. Heading their way she watched as Nate Jacobs strode down the halls, parting the student body like the red sea. Maddy followed close behind, not at his side, hardly ever at his side. This meant it was official. They'd gotten back together. Lynnox wasn't surprised in the slightest. This was how it always worked. 

In no time at all, she knew Nate would be at her bedroom window.

"So are you sure this isn't like super awkward for you?" asked Lexi, glancing back at Lynnox as Nate and Maddy passed them. 

The glance Nate shot toward Lynnox in his passing was not missed. 

Lynnox laughed, "Why would it be awkward for me?"

"How could it not be?" asked Cyrus. "You and Nate Jacobs have had one another in a fucking chokehold since your freshman year."

Lynnox sighed rolling her eyes, her friends were making something out of nothing, she hated when they'd do that. 

"Don't be stupid, Cyrus," said Lynnox, giving him a convincing smile. "No one has anyone in a chokehold."

Lexi and Cyrus nodded, but neither of them seemed fully convinced. 

When the bell rang Lexi and Lynnox set off for class leaving Cyrus still lingering at the lockers. Lynnox's morning classes passed in a breeze. Before she knew it the bell had rung for lunch. Last she'd looked out the window it's been raining, and so she knew that she wouldn't find Lexi outside at their usual table. On her way to the cafeteria, she stopped by her locker putting away her morning books. Lexi would already be at a table, Cyrus behind her, waiting for Lynnox. 

Lynnox paid no mind as she made her way down the row of lockers, picking the pink polish that coated her freshly filed nails. She hadn't even realized Kat was behind her, calling her name. Not until a hand pressed onto her shoulder. Lynnox then looked up and greeted her friend with a smile. 

Most of the talk about her video had died down. As everyone thought it would. The word had been spread enough that it wasn't Kat in the video, but people like Lynnox knew the truth. But she'd defend Kat anytime someone would ask her about it. Kat didn't seem too upset by it anymore either. When people whispered about it around her she'd just now ignore them and turn her head. 

"What's up?" asked Lynnox curiously moving back to the painted white brick that Kat stood beside. "Everything good?"

Kat nodded, though she shifted nervously, "Yeah ─ yeah, everything's fine. I just had a stupid question to ask you."

"Okay," said Lynnox, telling Kat to go on.

For a moment Kat hesitated. 

"Everyone thinks you're a slut, Lynnox," she said quickly, making Lynnox's eyes widen in shock. "They say terrible things about you and I know that you know what they think about you and what they say when you walk by..." she fidgets with her hands as she tried to find more words. "And I hope you aren't taking this the wrong way because I fucking adore you!"

"I'm not taking it the wrong way," she assured, knowing that everything Kat said was true and she'd never tried to deny it. 

Kat nodded, relieved, "Okay, so I guess what I wanted to ask was, how do you not care? How do continue to be unapologetically you when there are people saying such terrible shit?"

"I care, Kat," Lynnox admits. "I just care in a way that's different from what you and everyone else is used to..."

Kat furrowed her eyebrows. She was confused. 

"I feed off these fuckers' attention; I fucking love it, I get off on it," Lynnox laughs as she tells Kat. "Knowing that even though they hate me the taste of my name lives on their tongue... it's literally the best feeling in the world for me."

"I want to be like that," said Kat, her head leaning back as she rests her back against the wall. "I want people to be thinking about me after I pass them in the halls."

"It's not that hard," shrugs Lynnox.

She scoffs, "Yeah, maybe not for you."

Lynnox knew exactly what Kat meant. 

"No, fuck that," says Lynnox, genuinely upset. "Kat, you make all these bitches look at you. Who cares how you have to do it!"

Kat rolls her eyes. 

"You're like fucking hot," Lynnox tells her. 

And she isn't lying. 

Kat smiles, "Thanks."

Lynnox sighs, "Literally the only person that is stopping you is you."

"If I did this..." Kat takes a deep breath. "Would you help me?"

"Hell fucking yes!"

And that was that.

Lynnox was right. Lexi and Cyrus had already found a table, waiting for Lynnox to claim the unoccupied chair. She went straight for them not even bothering to get a plate from the line, knowing that whatever slop they put onto the unwashed tray, she wouldn't eat. 

She sat down beside Cyrus, putting her bag at her feet. 

"Where've you been?" Cyrus asked.

He looked up at her, dark brown brows furrowed as he bites into an apple that he'd just wiped on his denim jacket. 

"Oh, I was talking to Kat," Lynnox tells him. 

She offered no other explanation. 

"Lynnox," Lexi reached across the table, running her thumb gently across her cheekbone. Lynnox flinched backward at the small burn. "What happened to your cheek?"

Instinctively Lynnox reached up the scratch under her eye. A parting gift from Emmy last night. During her drunken stupor, she was breaking glass plates and cups from the cupboards and one of the shards had caught Lynnox. 

"Fight with Emmy," she rolled her eyes. "She lost the check to pay the electric bill with, so now we have no electricity."

Cyrus snorted. This was typical to them both. Emmy was always fucking up and Lynnox was always getting angry.

"I think Cassie is leaving for the weekend," said Lexi her tone soft and caring. Like it always is when she's trying to take care of her best friend. "You could come and stay with me if you want."

Lynnox nodded, "Thanks."

And she knew she might very well take Lexi up on her offer. 

A mall in California was as crowded as one could imagine on a late Friday afternoon. Apparently, this place was an essential stop in Kat's quest to transform herself. Or that the spill she gave Lynnox when begging her to come with her. Except she'd forgotten to tell Lynnox one itsy bitsy detail... Maddy would be here with them also helping Kat in finding a new style. 

"Is all this leather really necessary?" asked Lynnox as she looked through Kat's bag as they walked out of their fourth store in the mall. "I mean, I do a lot of silks and suedes, and it looks just as sexy."

Kat sighed as she took her bag back from Lynnox, "I want to be different," she expressed sternly. "I don't want to be you or Maddy... I want to be me, and unapologetically so."

"And you think pleather is you?" asked Maddy, her eyes furrowed down at the bag in Kat's hand. 

Lynnox normally wouldn't take Maddy's side in any argument for the sake of their rivalry, but she was right. It was an absurd amount of fake leather she'd bought. 

"Yes, and will the two of you stop teaming up against me?" Kat asked, looking between the two who stood on either side of her. "I mean really, I thought you guys like hated each other or something."

Lynnox rolled her eyes, "Or something..."

They could've been friends, years ago it seemed like they were going to be. Lynnox didn't hate Maddy, and Maddy didn't hate Lynnox. Sometimes one even admired the other. It was just less than desirable circumstances keeping them at arm's length from one another. The biggest circumstance that everyone knows of is Nate Jacobs. 

They'd been good today though. They hadn't argued or fought. Most they kept quiet, avoiding each other and only talking to Kat, which probably made it awkward for her. But she's the one who guilt-tripped Maddy and Lynnox into joining her today by claiming she couldn't do this without her two best-dressed bitches. 

"I need to ask you something... both of you..." Maddy's eyes grazed over to Lynnox as her lips pressed into a tight light. "Do you think people are, like, one hundred percent straight or one hundred percent gay?"

"No..." said Kat slowly, taking Maddy's question into careful consideration. "Cause obviously there's, like, bi people, asexual, pan..." 

"Kat's right," said Lynnox, arms crossed over her shoulders as she leans against the railing of the escalator. "Sexuality is, like, a spectrum, you know?"

"Are you a hundred percent straight?" Maddy asks, turning to Lynnox. 

For a moment she considers the question. Honestly, she'd never asked herself that before. Lynnox definitely thought that girls could be just as hot as guys. And she was no stranger to making out with girls at parties. 

Finally, she shook her head, "No," she said firmly. "Probably not."

"Probably?" Maddy was confused.

"I don't know," Lynnox shrugs, not being able to fully process she was coming to terms with her sexuality with Maddy Perez. "I just like making out with hot people. I don't care if they have a dick or a vagina."

They stepped off the escalator. Somehow, Maddy had fallen in step beside Lynnox and they were walking together while Kat stood a few steps ahead, not caring at all that she was no longer a part of whatever conversation they were now having. 

"Okay..." said Maddy slowly. "Do you think straight guys ever, like, watch gay porn?"

Lynnox shrugs again, "Maybe," she says. "I watch lesbian porn sometimes."

"But you just said you aren't a hundred percent straight, so why would you watch straight porn all the time?" Maddy was becoming agitated. "I fucking hate this."

Suddenly Lynnox stops. She looks at Maddy. 

"Is this about Nate?"

Maddy turns, Lynnox sees her swallow and her eyes dart from side to side, "No..." she didn't sound convincing at all. "He's, like, super straight."

"Why are you so bothered by this then?" asks Kat, spinning around to jump back into the conversation. She'd apparently been listening, amused. "Is it your dad?"

Maddy rolls her eyes, "No, not my fucking dad, Kat," she groans through her head back dramatically. "It's not about any guy that I know."

"Look, it's common knowledge that most guys are, like, weird, gross, and fucking pathetic," says Lynnox, trying to calm Maddy down. 

Suddenly Lynnox is grabbed by the wrist, she looks down seeing that freshly manicured nails were digging into her. Maddy had started pulling her off to the side, waiting for Kat to disappear inside the store. Once Kat couldn't be seen she turned back to a very confused but slightly turned on Lynnox. 

"Okay, look, if I tell you something you swear on your fucking life you won't say a word?" her voice was strong and stern and she was completely serious right now. 

"No promises," Lynnox grinned.

But Maddy knew she wasn't going to say anything. Something in the smirk told her that she wouldn't. So she swallowed and leaned in close to Lynnox, whispering in her ear, finally telling her why she's so suddenly interested in the spectrum of sexuality.

And Lynnox's eyes became rounder than quarters. 

"I just figured..." Maddy sighed, pulling back, her voice back to its normal, bored-sounding tone. "Next to me, you know him best. If he's hiding something from me, maybe he's told you."

"Jesus Christ, he's so fucked up..."

"Has he said anything to you?" Maddy asks, impatient.

Scoffing, Lynnox shook her head, "Yeah fucking right! Nate Jacobs is going to take this to the grave," she told Maddy. "And you do know that if he knows you this about him if it's true, he'll probably try and kill you."

Maddy nods, she's biting her lip. Lynnox wasn't being funny this time and she knew that. Knowing what she did puts her in some serious shit with Nate. And Lynnox heard the nerves in Maddy's tired sigh as she turned to go find Kat inside the store. 

Lynnox remained for a moment longer. She ran a hand over her face. If this was true it'd explain a lot. If it wasn't true then something was seriously wrong. But Lynnox willed herself to not worry. Anything involving Nate Jacobs was not her problem and not something she was going to stress herself over. 

And then she too walked into H&M.

The Howard house is quiet. The sounds of a cheap air conditioner and jeopardy playing from the downstairs living room filled the still air. A shower ran next door and she could hear the slight humming from the person singing along with the staticy radio. Her head rests softly on a pillow as she scrolls through her phone and watches her best friend shift in her desk chair for the millionth time as she leans over scribbling in a leather-bound journal. 

"Are you ever going to tell me what you spend all day writing about?" Lynnox asks, propped up on her back by the hoard of pillows on the bed. 

Lexi turns, a small smile plays at her lips, "Maybe one day."

Lynnox has spent all weekend with Lexi. It was now Sunday. Cassie had returned from staying with McKay and was currently showering. And Lynnox was making no move at all to go back to her own house. And neither Lexi, Cassie, or Suze was shooing her away. She'd texted Tommy, he thought it best she stay where she was for a few more days since they still had no electricity and Emmy was going through withdrawal symptoms since she hasn't been to see her married boyfriend. 

"Be honest," Lynnox sighs turning her head to look at Lexi. "Am I wearing my welcome here?"

Lexi scoffs, she moved from her chair to climb into the bed with Lynnox, "Please, you could move in and no one would care."

"Cassie might," said Lynnox. 

"I wouldn't really," said Cassie, walking out of the steaming bathroom with a silk robe tied around her glistening body and towel wrapping her hair. "Just as long as you let me borrow some of your clothes."

"Go to Goodwill, you'll find my entire wardrobe," she tells Cassie. 

Cassie laughs and sits on her bed, she pulls her feet up shaking a tube of nude polish. 

Suddenly, she looks across the room at Lynnox, "Want me to do yours?"

"Sure," she sighs. "Why not?"

Lynnox crossed the floor, the bottoms of the too-long plaid pajama pants catching her feet as she did, and she tripped, falling into Cassie's bed, making all three girls laugh at the sight.

Moments like these made Lynnox feel as though she missed out. When she sits with Lexi and Cassie, talking and laughing, it makes her hate Emmy more than she already does. Because Lynnox didn't get a sister. She didn't get a sister she could confide in. She didn't get a sister who would ever offer to do her nails for her. Instead, she got Emmy. A sister who would steal her medication to sell. Someone who'd left her at a high school party so that she could drive around with friends. 

Lynnox missed out on having a family. And normally she didn't feel about out. Until times like right now. When she was brutally reminded of something she could never have. 

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lynnox's described outfit

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author's note://

nothing too exciting in this chapter.

What are we thinking of the relationship between Emmy and Lynnox? Is it salvageable?