The next morning, EJ stumbled out of his room, rubbing sleep from his eyes as the smell of sizzling bacon and freshly brewed coffee wafted through the apartment. He shuffled into the kitchen to find Jillian, already up and about, flipping pancakes with the ease of someone who'd been awake for hours.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Jillian teased, not looking up from the stove. "Do you always wake up this late? It's almost noon."

EJ grunted, running a hand through his messy hair. "Not all of us are human energy drinks. How long have you been up?"

Jillian grinned, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Oh, since dawn. You know me, always a go-getter. I could probably run a marathon and still have time to take over the world before you're out of bed."

EJ shook his head, amused. "You've always been insane, you know that?"

Jillian shrugged, unbothered. "Insanity's underrated. So, what's the plan for today? Or is the plan to not have a plan?"

EJ poured himself a cup of coffee, leaning against the counter as he watched her expertly flip another pancake. "Depends. Should I even ask why you're really back in New York?"

Jillian's grin widened, a glint of trouble in her eyes. "Do you have to?"

EJ sighed, knowing better than to expect a straightforward answer. "Let me guess, just a 'job'?"

Jillian winked at him. "You know me too well, big bro. Let's just say I'm here to get a little something done. Nothing illegal... technically."

EJ raised an eyebrow. "Technically?"

She waved him off, laughing. "Relax, it's nothing you'd have to bail me out for. Probably."

EJ chuckled, shaking his head. "You're impossible."

Jillian finished the last pancake and started setting the table. "So, Rachel tells me you've got a girlfriend."

EJ blinked, surprised. "You've been talking to Rachel?"

"More than I talk to the rest of the family," Jillian said, grabbing some plates. "She's the only one who doesn't nag me about my life choices. But yeah, she mentioned you're seeing someone. Robin, right? Sounds like a tornado."

EJ laughed at the description. "That's one way to put it. She's... something else."

Jillian sat down at the table, pouring syrup over her pancakes. "I'm shocked, honestly. You've never been one to commit like this. So what's the deal with her?"

EJ sat down across from her, taking a sip of his coffee. "I can't believe it either, to be honest. This whole thing started when I was trying to hook Ted up with her. Who knew it would end up like this?"

Jillian's eyes sparkled with interest. "Does she have any secrets? You know, things you've discovered along the way?"

EJ thought for a moment, then smiled. "I guess the thing about relationships is that you're never done getting to know someone. Everyone has secrets. Some are nice."

His mind drifted to a memory of Robin in the kitchen, a rare moment of domesticity for her.

Flashback

Robin stood in EJ's apartment, expertly making crepes at the stove. The sight of her in such a domestic setting was almost surreal. EJ walked over, a playful grin on his face.

"You know how to make crepes?" EJ asked, grabbing one from the plate. "Guess I'll have to keep you around."

Robin shot him a smirk and, without warning, flicked a dollop of whipped cream into his face. EJ feigned offense, wiping the cream off with a grin. "Oh, it's like that, huh?"

She laughed, and before he could think of a retort, he leaned in and kissed her, the playful moment turning into something softer, sweeter.

End of Flashback

EJ smiled at the memory, still tasting the sweetness of that moment.

"Nice secrets, huh?" Jillian teased, bringing him back to the present. "What else?"

Another memory surfaced, this one more intimate.

Flashback

EJ and Robin were lying in bed, the soft glow of the bedside lamp casting warm shadows across the room.

Robin sighed, leaning back against the pillows. "And then there was Derek... and counting you, that puts the total up to..."

EJ smirked, interrupting her. "Oh, I've got your total... counting along... But two can play at that game."

He began listing off names. "There was Katy, then Miranda... Naomi... Jade..."

Robin rolled her eyes, laughing. "Okay, okay, I get it. We're both disasters."

Flashback

Jillian watched her brother's expression soften, clearly seeing how much this woman meant to him. "Wow. Never thought I'd see the day you're all in like this."

"Yeah, neither did I," EJ admitted. "But Robin... she's different. Keeps me on my toes."

Jillian grinned. "So, does she have any weird quirks?"

EJ chuckled, thinking back to another moment.

Flashback

The gang was sitting in their usual booth at MacLaren's. Ted had just finished recounting some ridiculous story when Robin suddenly chimed in.

"You're scared of the Seven Dwarfs?" Ted asked, surprised.

Robin nodded, her expression serious. "Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, the guy went to medical school. What's he doing living with six coal miners?"

EJ snorted, unable to resist. "Probably doing all their medical exams for free. Guy's got the worst deal in fairytale history."

The group burst into laughter, Robin rolling her eyes at EJ's quip, but a smile tugged at her lips nonetheless.

Flashback

EJ smiled, shaking his head. "She's got a few. Keeps life interesting."

Jillian took a bite of her pancakes, nodding approvingly. "Good. I like her already."

———

At MacLaren's, the group was deep in conversation, with Jillian and Robin hitting it off almost too well. Their similar sarcastic humor and independent streaks made them an instant duo, much to EJ's amusement. Ted, Marshall, and Lily watched with smiles, happy to see the two women getting along so effortlessly.

Suddenly, Barney burst into the bar, practically vibrating with excitement. "Oh, man, I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either."

Robin raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

Barney looked at her, almost offended. "Ah, only the gala event for the grand opening of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email?"

Robin smirked. "No, I blocked your address after the fourth time you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt."

Barney shrugged, unbothered by the slight. Then he noticed Jillian. His eyes lit up as he took in her rebellious demeanor and sharp features. Without missing a beat, he slid over to her side of the table. "Well, hello there. And who might you be, oh, radiant stranger?"

EJ shot Barney a warning glance. "Hey man, I can't loan my sisters out to my friends like that. It already happened twice."

Jillian, not one to back down, smirked. "Flirting with your friend's sister? How original. What's next, a joke about how we should compare notes?"

Barney blinked, caught off guard by the quick roast. He quickly changed course, regaining his confident composure. "Touché. But seriously, folks, come on, it's on me! I'm buying three of you foot massagers and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are."

Marshall sheepishly glanced at Lily, then down at the table. Lily patted his shoulder reassuringly.

Barney, unfazed, continued his pitch. "Come on, let's go."

Robin rolled her eyes but gave in with a sigh. "All right, I'm in."

As everyone got up to leave, Barney raised his glass. "To the Willowbrook Mall!"

EJ, Ted, and Marshall echoed, "To the Willowbrook Mall!"

Robin, however, hesitated. "Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going."

EJ looked at her, confused. "What? Why not?"

Robin shrugged nonchalantly. "I just don't feel like going to a mall."

Lily chimed in, trying to tempt her. "We can split a Cinnabon."

Robin shook her head, firm. "No, I'm really not gonna go."

Ted frowned. "Come on, it'll be fun."

Robin crossed her arms. "No, I don't go to malls! Sorry, I just don't like malls."

Barney, Lily, and Marshall closed in on her, bombarding her with questions.

EJ stepped in, raising his hands to calm everyone down. "Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. I think we should all just respect her privacy."

Robin shot him a grateful smile. "Thanks, babe."

Jillian, leaning against the bar, smirked knowingly. "You're gonna ask her later, aren't you?"

EJ didn't even hesitate. "Yep."

---

Later That Night

EJ and Robin laid in bed together, the room quiet except for the soft hum of the city outside.

But EJ couldn't help himself.

"So," he began, trying to sound casual, "what's the deal with you and malls?"

Robin sighed, rolling her eyes even though she was smiling. "You said if I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't have to."

EJ grinned. "Yeah, with those people. I'm your boyfriend. Come on, what is it? Did you get arrested in a mall?"

Robin shook her head. "No."

EJ pressed on, undeterred. "Dumped in a mall?"

Robin turned her head to glare playfully at him. "EJ."

"Found out you were Canadian at a mall?"

Robin's tone was final. "Let it go."

EJ wasn't done yet. "Got lost in the mall?"

Robin's patience was wearing thin, but her affection for him kept her voice gentle. "Let it go."

He tried one more time, raising an eyebrow suggestively. "Mauled at the mall?"

Robin laughed despite herself, pushing him lightly. "Babe, let it go."

EJ finally relented, a sheepish smile on his face. "Alright, I'm sorry. You know how persistent I can be."

Robin rolled her eyes again, but there was fondness in her gaze. "It's one of your most irritating yet adorable qualities."

EJ leaned in and kissed her shoulder, and they both started to drift off to sleep. But just as they were about to fully relax, EJ couldn't resist one last quip.

"Did you get stuck in a mall fountain trying to fish out a quarter?"

Robin groaned, pulling the covers over her head. "Goodnight, EJ."

EJ chuckled, wrapping his arms around her. "Goodnight, Robin."

———

At the booth in MacLaren's, EJ, Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Barney sat in their usual spots, nursing their drinks and chatting about the day's events. Ted, however, had something on his mind.

"I don't get it," Ted said, breaking the comfortable silence. "Why won't Robin tell you why she hates malls?"

EJ shrugged, looking just as puzzled. "Beats me. She seemed pretty final about it when I brought it up last night."

Barney leaned in, his expression serious. "EJ, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'oh' moment."

Marshall looked at Barney curiously. "The 'oh' moment?"

Barney nodded, his face filled with exaggerated wisdom. "Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker."

As Barney spoke, his mind drifted back to past encounters.

---

A Flashback

A girl twirled her ring nervously. "It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married."

Barney's expression shifted to one of instant regret. "Oh."

Without another word, he moved to leave.

---

Another Flashback

Another girl leaned in, whispering conspiratorially. "I don't have an eating disorder. It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out."

Barney blinked, the word hanging on his lips before he finally spoke. "Oh."

He got up and left without hesitation.

---

Yet Another Flashback

"I just turned 30."

Barney's face dropped. "Oh."

He turned on his heel and walked away, leaving the girl confused.

---

The Present

Barney leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms with a smirk. "So, trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible."

Ted shook his head, disagreeing immediately. "I disagree. If there's some potential 'oh' moment, I want to know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?"

EJ paused, considering Ted's words, then imagined a hypothetical scenario where he and Robin were getting married.

---

In a Hypothetical Scenario

The chapel was filled with all five of EJ's sisters, his parents beaming in the front row, and the rest of the gang seated nearby, all smiles and anticipation. EJ and Robin stood at the altar, hands clasped, eyes locked.

The priest smiled warmly at the couple. "I now pronounce you man and wife."

EJ gently lifted Robin's veil, his eyes shining with love. "I love you."

Robin hesitated, then finally spoke. "I used to be a dude."

EJ's smile froze. "Oh..."

The entire room gasped in unison, their shock palpable.

---

Present

Lily nodded in agreement with Ted. "Yeah, I agree with Ted. In a real relationship, you share everything. That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets."

EJ smirked. "You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter, go play something on the jukebox."

Ted chuckled. "It's true. They tell each other everything."

Barney scoffed. "I can think of tons of things there's no way Marshall told you."

Lily crossed her arms, defiant. "Try me."

Barney leaned forward, a challenge in his eyes. "Do you know about the time Marshall was in Trenton?"

Lily didn't miss a beat. "Doggie ate his pants. Yep."

Barney's eyebrows raised in surprise, but he pressed on. "Bill's bachelor party in Memphis."

EJ chimed in, "Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?"

Barney's eyes narrowed. "Okay, Seattle."

Lily grinned. "Trick question, Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest because he's afraid of Sasquatch."

Barney threw his hands up in defeat. "Damn."

Marshall mumbled defensively, "I'm not afraid of Sasquatch. I just think we should all be on alert."

Ted nodded, backing up Lily. "Trust me, not only do they tell each other everything, but they also *want* to know everything."

---

Flashback

Marshall spoke animatedly to Lily. "So, after the shower, I was brushing my teeth, and I was like, 'Oh man, I wanted to have some orange juice, I should have done that first,' but I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush, so I just went ahead and brushed them anyway."

Lily leaned in, captivated. "What happened next?"

Ted, sitting on the couch, rolled his eyes and turned up the volume on the TV.

---

Present

EJ sighed, frustration evident. "Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing."

Barney leaned in, his voice dropping conspiratorially. "Fine, do you want to know what Robin's secret is?"

EJ's curiosity piqued. "What do you think?"

Barney's eyes gleamed with mischief. "Think about it. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame. Our friend, Robin, used to do porn, wait for it, ography."

EJ rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we didn't really have to wait for that. And it's ridiculous. If my girlfriend was doing porn, I'd have a much different experience in bed."

Lily smirked, adding fuel to the fire. "I don't know, he could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down."

EJ turned to her, offended. "Hey! She does not fake it with me."

"Wasn't talking about you."

Marshall, deep in thought, suddenly spoke up. "You know what it might be? This is gonna sound a little crazy, but what if Robin's married?"

Ted blinked, caught off guard. "Married? What does that have to do with the mall?"

Marshall leaned forward, the idea growing in his mind. "Well, maybe she got married at the mall. Back home in Minnesota, a ton of people would get married at the Mall of America. It's great! A gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures, numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable price..."

Lily shot him a look. "We're not getting married at the mall."

Marshall gave her a pleading look. "Just meet with the guy."

EJ shook his head, dismissing the idea. "She's not married. Robin hates marriage. Like me."

Marshall, however, wasn't convinced. "Because she already got married, at the mall."

Lily disagreed, her tone firm. "No, because before Robin moved to New York, she...What was she doing?"

EJ frowned, thinking. "Well, I don't know. Whenever I ask her about Canada, she kinda clams up."

Marshall nodded, understanding. "She's a pretty private person."

Lily continued, recalling past conversations. "Except when she's talking about..."

---

Flashback

Robin leaned in, serious. "A friend of mine in Canada got married way too young, and it really turned her off to marriage."

---

Yet another Flashback

Lily flipped through a magazine, pointing at a picture. "What do you think of this wedding cake?"

Robin shrugged. "Oh, I like it. Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada who got married too young? Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Field's giant cookie."

Marshall, sitting at his desk behind them, looked up with interest, a wide grin spreading across his face.

Lily noticed and quickly shook her head. "No."

Marshall's smile faded, and he returned to his studying.

---

Another Flashback

Robin took a sip of her drink. "My friend in Canada who got married way too young, they had to do their vows twice, once in French."

Barney looked appalled. "They speak French there too? God! That place is a mess."

---

Back to Now

Ted looked around at the group, uncertain. "So, you don't think there's any friend from Canada?"

Marshall scoffed. "Oh, I'm sure there is. Just like I have a friend who wet his bed till he was ten. Use your brain, Ted."

Barney shook his head, adamant. "Guys, there's no way Robin's married. It's ludicrous to even suggest it."

EJ nodded, finally feeling someone was on his side. "Thank you, Barney."

Barney grinned. "'Cause it's porn."

EJ groaned, standing up. "I need another beer."

As EJ walked away, Marshall turned to Barney, determination in his eyes. "Robin is not in porn. I'll bet you anything that she's married."

Barney leaned forward, eager. "20,000 says it's porn."

Marshall looked at Lily, hesitating. "I don't have 20,000."

Barney's eyes gleamed with excitement. "Well then, what do you have?"

Marshall looked at Lily, a silent question in his eyes.

Lily crossed her arms. "No."

Barney snapped his fingers, an idea striking him. "I got it. The ultimate wager. Slap bet."

Ted's eyes lit up with nostalgia. "Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid."

Lily, still confused, asked, "What the hell's a slap bet?"

Marshall explained with a grin. "Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can, but no rings."

Lily looked at them incredulously. "Are you really gonna do that? That's so immature."

Marshall grinned, the excitement clear in his voice. "You can be Slap Bet Commissioner."

Lily's eyes widened with delight. "Oh, I love it. What are my powers?"

Marshall shrugged. "Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job."

Barney nodded, serious for once. "But you have to be unbiased and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read 'Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, Slap Bet Commissioner.'"

Marshall grinned, adding, "And your tombstone will read, 'Got slapped by Marshall so hard, he died.'"

EJ, eventually returned to the table after grabbing a drink, prompting Ted to raise a question.

"All right, what if you ask Robin point-blank if she has a husband?"

Lily shook her head, her tone firm. "No. EJ, you said you would respect her privacy, so maybe you should just drop it."

EJ sighed, nodding reluctantly. "Yeah, you're right."

———

Robin and EJ sat cross-legged on the floor, the Scrabble board between them. The game had been a pleasant distraction until the conversation took an unexpected turn.

EJ placed a word on the board and looked up with a mischievous grin. "So, funny story."

Robin glanced at him, curious. "Huh?"

"Marshall had this theory that you got married. I told him he's crazy because he's crazy, right? I mean, how crazy is that?"

Robin raised an eyebrow. "Are you asking me if I'm married?"

"You can ask me. Nope, I'm not married. Your turn."

Robin's expression hardened slightly. "What happened to respecting my privacy?"

EJ shrugged. "Just say, 'no, I'm not married.'"

Robin sighed, looking away. "EJ, I don't understand why you can't..."

EJ interrupted gently, "Robin, it's just a question—"

Robin cut him off, her voice quiet but firm. "I can't. Marshall's right. I was young and I got married. It was a mistake, and he moved away. But, yeah, I'm married."

EJ's eyes widened. "Oh."

Robin nodded, her tone heavy. "I was young and stupid, and we got married at a mall. We broke up at a mall, and I haven't been to a mall since."

EJ was taken aback. "Wow. This actually happened. You didn't get a divorce?"

Robin shook her head. "He moved to Hong Kong for work, and I was like, good enough."

EJ looked at her, a mix of sympathy and confusion on his face. "Good... good enough."

Robin took a deep breath. "I haven't seen him in years. It's just a part of my life I want to forget. Just please don't tell anyone about this."

EJ reached out, pulling her into a gentle embrace. "Okay. I'm sorry for not respecting your privacy. Come here."

He reached out and pulled her into a gentle embrace, holding her close.

———

Marshall's hand made a loud smack as it landed on Barney's cheek, leaving a red imprint. Barney rubbed his face, wincing. "Your hand is monstrous."

Marshall grinned smugly. "Well, what did you expect? You've seen my penis."

As they settled into the booth, Lily, Marshall, Ted, and Barney exchanged glances, the tension thick in the air.

Lily looked at EJ with a hint of disbelief. "I can't believe you told Ted Robin's secret."

EJ shot Ted a pointed look. "Are you kidding me, Ted? I told you that in confidence!"

Ted shifted uncomfortably. "How can I keep something like that to myself? And Lily begged me to tell her."

Lily, feigning innocence, protested, "No, I didn't."

EJ crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. "Lily..."

She sighed, relenting. "Okay, maybe I did. But you still shouldn't have told anyone. I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?"

EJ slumped back in his seat, frustration evident. "See, that's just it. I'm not the boyfriend, I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. The mastress. Master... What do you call it?"

Barney chimed in with a smirk, "I'm pretty sure we're gonna call it mistress."

EJ groaned. "What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. I can't exactly ask her for a divorce; she hasn't even seen the guy in years."

Lily, trying to lighten the mood, offered, "EJ, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously."

EJ considered this and nodded. "Honestly, very good point."

Marshall, always the problem-solver, piped up, "You know what, in some countries, if you've been separated for longer than five years, technically, you're no longer married. I can check it out at the law library at school."

He then laughed, pointing at Barney's cheek. "I can still see my handprint on your face."

Barney, undeterred, replied, "Don't get too cocky, Slappy. I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through."

Marshall looked confused. "I won the bet. Why are you still searching?"

Barney, in typical fashion, shrugged. "Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn."

Barney leaned in conspiratorially. "Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go 'oat' of my mind."

EJ sighed, shaking his head in exasperation. "I swear to God, I need other friends."

———

EJ was on his lunch break when Marshall unexpectedly showed up at his office. Confused, EJ asked what Marshall was doing there.

Marshall, clearly excited, said, "Robin's not married."

EJ, taken aback, responded, "What? Then why would she tell me she was?"

"I don't know," Marshall replied, "but I cross-checked every record in Canada. There's no record of her ever being married."

EJ was even more confused now. "So she's not married? There must be some mistake."

Marshall assured him, "I promise you, she's not married. She's also not great at parking legally either."

EJ, already knowing that last part, sighed, "Yeah, we all knew that. What am I going to do? She lied to me."

Marshall leaned in, giving advice. "You gotta lawyer her. You gotta ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes to get a confession out of her."

Later that evening, EJ and Robin sat in his apartment, trying to keep the conversation casual, but the tension was palpable.

"Thanks for telling me your secret," EJ began, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "It means so much to me that you could be so, what's the word I'm looking for, honest."

Robin, oblivious to his tone, replied, "Thanks, baby."

EJ continued, "Yeah, you know what's probably the best part about your honesty? How truthful it is."

Robin, sensing the shift, tried to steer the conversation away. "I say we just move on."

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan," EJ agreed, but then he quickly added, "But I think I'm gonna need a little bit more information. Like, what month did you get married?"

Robin hesitated for just a second, then said, "June. We had a June wedding."

"Ah, Canada in June. That's great. Great weather in June," EJ remarked, trying to catch her off guard. "Sit down or buffet?"

Robin stammered, "Um..."

EJ noticed her hesitation. "Whoa. It's weird that you don't remember."

"No, I just didn't know how to answer because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, but the actual dinner was a buffet in the food court featuring a filet mignon or roasted potato-crusted salmon with a lobster scallion beurre blanc," Robin explained quickly.

EJ pressed on, "Hm. Band or DJ?"

Robin was quick to answer, "String quartet played at the ceremony, but for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band. We paid extra for the sax 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound."

EJ nodded, pretending to be impressed. "How many bridesmaids?"

Robin blurted out, "Seven."

"How come I've never met these friends?" EJ asked, knowing she was scrambling.

EJ then asked, "Flowers?"

Robin quickly answered, "Azaleas."

"Color scheme?" EJ continued.

"Dusty rose and sienna," Robin replied, sticking to her story.

"And your husband's name?" EJ asked, leaning in.

Robin faltered. "Um..."

EJ smiled, having caught her in the lie. "You were never married. You're a horrible liar."

Robin gasped. "Yes, I was. And no I'm not. *gasps*"

EJ nodded triumphantly. "You exposed yourself."

Robin, now on the defensive, asked, "How do you know?"

EJ, with a smirk, replied, "I looked it up at the library."

Robin crossed her arms. "What library?"

"The one on 5th," EJ responded confidently.

Robin narrowed her eyes. "When did you go?"

EJ tried to sound casual. "Today at lunch. And I had an apple brie panini with potato salad...."

Robin, cutting him off, said, "I'm not questioning the lunch part, EJ. What database did you use?"

EJ hesitated. "I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000."

Robin, catching him in a lie, snapped, "Elijah Jameson, do not lie to me."

EJ quickly defended himself, "You did it first!"

Robin stared at him, and he finally admitted, "Fine, Marshall looked it up in school."

"You told Marshall?" Robin asked, her voice rising.

EJ tried to cover, "I did not tell Marshall! Ted told Marshall!"

Robin, now furious, said, "You told Ted?"

EJ, trying to justify himself, retorted, "You lied to me!"

Robin, her voice filled with frustration, said, "See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most, and even you couldn't keep a secret."

EJ, feeling cornered, argued, "But it was a fake secret."

Robin, unimpressed, shot back, "Yeah, I was testing you, and you failed, and now you're never gonna know why I never go to the mall. And it's good too."

EJ, realizing the ridiculousness of the situation, exclaimed, "Testing me, that's insane."

Robin, not backing down, countered, "Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Ted my biggest secret in the world?"

EJ, trying to defend himself, said, "That wasn't a real secret."

Robin, still angry, replied, "Yeah, but it could have been."

EJ, exasperated, said, "You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong."

Robin, now at her wit's end, said, "He moved there for business."

Suddenly, Jillian, who had been eavesdropping, burst into the room, imitating a child, "Oh my God, Mom and Dad, stop fighting!" She added more mocking tones, mimicking their argument.

Robin and EJ, realizing they had been overheard, turned to Jillian, acting like disappointed parents. "Jill, can you give us a minute to talk?" Robin said, trying to keep a straight face.

Jill, rolling her eyes, muttered, "Jesus Christ, when's the wedding?"

———

EJ sighed deeply and turned back to Robin. "If you weren't married, why didn't you just say that? We could have avoided this whole conversation."

Robin's expression softened. "I have shared more of myself with you than I have ever shared with anyone. I'm asking for this one secret, which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine."

Before EJ could respond, the front door burst open, and Ted, Barney, Lily, and Marshall rushed in, looking excited.

Barney was the first to speak. "So I just got a very interesting phone call."

EJ looked at him, confused. "What are you talking about?"

Barney grinned mischievously. "I know Robin's secret."

Robin's eyes widened in panic. "What?"

"That's right," Barney continued with a flourish. "I know your secret, Robin. Or should I say Robin Sparkles?"

Robin looked like she'd seen a ghost. "How do you know that name?"

EJ, still lost, asked, "Robin Sparkles? What's that?"

Barney sat down at the table, his grin widening. "I am about to show it to you right now."

Jillian, intrigued, chimed in, "I kinda want to see this."

Barney opened his laptop, inviting everyone to gather around. "Gather around, EJ, you're gonna wanna see this."

EJ's protective instincts kicked in. "Yeah. No, I don't. I really don't," he said, firmly closing the laptop.

Barney looked at him, surprised. "What?"

"Robin wants to keep this a secret, so it's gonna stay a secret. I've been prying too much," EJ explained.

Barney, however, was undeterred. "Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. You see, in my research, I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia who is in possession of a certain videotape. He just emailed me that it will be up and running on MySpace in about... right now!"

Barney reopened the laptop, eager to share his discovery.

Robin, her panic growing, pleaded, "Barney, don't, okay?"

But Barney was determined. "Robin, please don't panic. I'm only going to show enough to prove to Marshall that I was right."

EJ, however, wasn't having it. "No, Barney, I said we're not watching this," he said, closing the laptop again.

Robin sighed, realizing the inevitable. "No, it's time. Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. Let's just watch it and be done with it."

EJ looked at her, concerned. "Are you sure?"

Robin nodded. "Yeah, then we can stop talking about it."

EJ tried to lighten the mood, though his concern was evident. "Great. I get to see my girlfriend do porn."

Jillian, always quick with a quip, added, "You've seen worse. Remember Mom and Dad?"

EJ groaned, "STOP. I was nine and didn't know any better."

Robin, trying to comfort him, joked about therapy while grabbing his arm.

Barney, sensing his moment had finally come, opened the laptop once more.

Lily, looking a bit scared, asked, "Are you as terrified as I am?"

Marshall, equally nervous, replied, "I don't wanna get slapped again."

Robin tried to give a disclaimer. "I wanna stress that I was young."

Barney, grinning, agreed. "Yeah, you were."

Robin continued, "And I didn't know any better."

EJ, trying to save Robin from further embarrassment, pleaded, "Please stop."

Jillian, ever the cynic, added, "They never do."

Robin went on, "And it started out as an innocent modeling job."

Ted, unable to resist, joked, "It always does."

The video on the laptop began to play, showing a younger Robin, now "Robin Sparkles," dressed as a schoolgirl in a classroom with a teacher.

Robin Sparkles spoke, her voice playful. "Please, Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry I was a bad girl. Please don't give me detention. Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you?"

Robin Sparkles then bit her lip in a way that was meant to be seductive.

Barney, satisfied, paused the video. EJ's jaw dropped. "Oh my God," he muttered.

Barney, triumphant, declared, "Well, obviously, I've been proven right, so in the interest of Robin's dignity, I won't show any more. Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock."

Barney then promptly slapped Marshall, following through on their ongoing slap bet.

Robin, thoroughly confused, asked, "What the hell was that?"

Ted explained, "I slap-bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win."

Robin, relieved but still embarrassed, said, "Porn? I wish it was porn. It would be less embarrassing."

Jillian, puzzled, asked, "Huh?"

Robin, feeling there was no point in hiding it any longer, played the rest of the video.

Robin Sparkles began singing, "I know, how about I sing you a song!" She then started skipping around.

As the video played, Ted, EJ, Barney, Jillian, Lily, and Marshall watched in shock, their mouths agape. Robin Sparkles sang and danced, encouraging everyone to go to the mall.

Robin, now completely resigned, admitted, "I was a teenage pop star in Canada."

EJ, still in disbelief, exclaimed, "No. Freaking. Way."

Robin Sparkles continued to sing, "Put on your jelly bracelets and your cool graffiti coat. At the mall, having fun is what it's all about."

Lily, eyes wide, said, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen."

Marshall, still processing, asked, "That's you?"

Robin nodded. "Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year, I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels."

Robin Sparkles' voice filled the room, "Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today."

Marshall, still trying to wrap his head around it, commented, "This is the '90s. Why does it look like 1986?"

Robin, with a small, embarrassed smile, explained, "The '80s didn't come to Canada till like '93."

Marshall, taking a break from the hilarity, noted, "I can't help but notice that this isn't porn."

Lily, always sharp, added, "And yet a slap occurred without the permission of the Slap Bet Commissioner."

EJ, unable to resist a joke, quipped, "Looks like someone suffered from premature slapulation."

Ted suddenly pointed at the screen, "Oh my God, Robin's rapping. Guys, Robin's rapping."

Robin Sparkles, now rapping, sang, "Went to the mall with a couple of friends. Had a whole week's allowance to spend."

Lily, clearly amused by the situation, gave Barney a choice. "OK, I'm going to give you a choice. Either ten slaps right now in a row or five slaps that can be doled at any point from here to eternity."

Marshall, Ted, and Jillian all chimed in, "Cool."

EJ, offering his advice, suggested, "Go with the 10 now."

But Robin, ever the pragmatist, disagreed. "No, wait, why get 10 when you can get 5?"

Ted, always thinking of the long game, added, "Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment you can get slapped in the face would drive you crazy."

Barney, after considering his options, decided, "I'm gonna go with the five for eternity."

Robin nodded. "Good call."

Ted, however, disagreed. "Horrible call."

As Marshall reached over for his soda, Barney flinched, expecting a slap.

Marshall smirked, "Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. Take it easy. This is gonna be fun."

Robin Sparkles continued to sing on the screen, "Let's go to the mall today! Everybody loves the mall."

Lily, amused by the absurdity of the situation, asked, "So, just to be clear, you wanted everybody to go to the mall today?"

EJ, joining in on the teasing, asked, "What happens if we go to the mall tomorrow?"

Ted followed up with, "Or the next day?"

Barney, with a gleam in his eye, said, "Wow, we're gonna watch this a lot."

Jillian, already thinking ahead, asked, "Do you mind sending this to me?"

EJ, knowing his sister all too well, asked, "You're gonna send it to everyone, aren't you?"

Jillian didn't hesitate. "100%."

Robin, still trying to salvage her dignity, added, "I even wore a bedazzled jean jacket."

EJ, now fully embracing the situation, smiled. "My girl's a rockstar. Who would have known?"

Robin, correcting him, said, "Popstar, actually, but thanks."

EJ pulled her close, kissing her head. "I probably should have left it alone. I'm sorry I pried this out of you."

Robin, feeling a sense of relief, said, "You know what? You know me better now. That feels kinda nice."

EJ and Robin shared a kiss, and the rest of the group couldn't help but "awww" at the sweet moment.

Jillian, teasing her brother, added, "Big brother! Awh."

Marshall, ever the opportunist, took advantage of the distraction and slapped Barney again.

"That's one," Marshall announced, as everyone looked at Barney cringing on the floor.

Robin wrapped her arms around EJ's neck from the side, and EJ looked at her, smiling mischievously. "Oh, this is going to be fun."