☆ CHAPTER FORTY! ☆
040. happy birthday

|| ZERO ||
❝let me show you
what it's like to
always feel, feel,
like you're not
good enough for
anything that's
real.❞

➳➳

LILLIAN TITAN COULDN'T help but think that she'd had far too much peace since she's arrived at District 13.

It wasn't like it was obvious to the young girl, or that she spent her free time trying to get rid of the long breaks of silence and loneliness instead of getting lost in it, but she certainly noticed how quiet it always was when she looked back at what she'd done in the day. She noted that most of the time, she was left to read in the corner of a room- or she was in school learning to write as the teacher scolded anybody that whispered to the person sitting beside them. And when she finally was with people, anyone but Finnick and Primrose talked like she wasn't there at all, or like she'd barely learnt to speak.

Before, when she was left on her own for hours on end in District Five she would've had countless things to do. Lillian remembered all the colourful pens and pencils she used to draw with; when she felt a little alone she used to meet up with Tahini who lived two blocks down from the Victor's village and run around the centre of town like it was somewhere else. Once, she even remembered Lorna joining the two girls as they tried to cook a recipe they found stuck on Evelyn's fridge the day before, and sent Tahini back to her family with enough food to last a whole week.

It was typical for young girls to be loud, and yet, Lillian couldn't remember the last time she's actually said a word without being asked a question first.

True, she was only just 10, but she felt as if she could help a little more than just working on her history reading. If she wanted to, Lillian thought she could convince her sister to come back from the Capitol, and she though she could help convince Tahini to come to Thirteen to see her at least one last time. But nobody let her try- Finnick only looked at her with a mixture of terror and pride, before telling her that she couldn't actually bring her sister home.

Maybe she couldn't; she often remembered the times Lorna promised her that she would never leave her alone, and suddenly wanted to throw her book against the wall. She was a liar- she'd lied before when Lillian asked her to play and she said she was too busy- but the girl never thought she's lie to her about that. They were family.

Lillian wouldn't be stupid enough to believe a thing her sister promised her again.

Infact, it became increasingly hard to ignore her doubt about all the many things Lorna had told her over the last two years. Unlike Remy- who she remembered being the most honest and gentle in the family- Lorna wasn't ever happy to see her come home after they moved into their current home; she barely even smiled towards her sister in the months after her visit to the Capitol, and Lillian never failed to notice.

The more she thought about it the less Lily cried over her sister. She'd seen her just a few days ago on the screen and she wasn't in pain. She looked well dressed, if it wasn't for the circumstances Lillian would've been proud to call Lorna her big sister as she watched such a beautiful girl light up the Capitol screen. She looked beautiful, but she didn't look like a Titan as she made sure to show off her new blonde hair, and that was the only thing that mattered to the youngest in the family. She wanted to have a family; she saw other girl's her age with them.

And yet her's just up and left her like she didn't even exist.

That had never been more clear than when she woke up with the familiar giddy feeling in her chest that would burst out of her every year on her birthday. Normally, her sister was waiting with a stack of fluffy pancakes at the end of her bed- which made pancakes her favourite thing in the whole word- but this time it was deadly silent. This time she couldn't smell the freshly cooked batter, or the slight dusting of syrup and strawberries cut into thin slices at all.

She couldn't remember a time before she'd have the sugary treat; the sensation was one that reminded Lillian of the oldest memories she had.

She was five when the tradition started. She couldn't for the life of her remember why, but Lorna and Remy had insisted on walking her to school that morning as a family. What she didn't know, and never would, was that their presence was the only thing the siblings could afford to give her, which became painfully clear when they passed the old bakery on the way to school and Lillian let go of her sibling's hands to look at all the wonderous cakes they had to offer.

She would do it every morning when she walked on her own. It was a childlike habit that seemed to make the girl's eyes shine with a new found appreciation for her District; on her fifth birthday she wiggled in beside an older woman dressed in a thick fur coat to see the iced treats that the baker had put in the display case. This woman looked down at the 5-year-old, and then to the large stack of blueberry pancakes on the counter that she marvelled at, before glancing at her siblings who were still stained with oil and glue.

When the woman looked towards the children who'd become parents at 14 and 15, she seemed to understand the hunger in the child's eyes a little deeper. She had taken pitty on them that day; she'd bought Lillian her first batch of birthday pancakes with money Lorna and Remy never imagined they'd have themself.

But today, Lillian woke up to the same horrible stone walls of Thirteen without the only thing she cared about. There were no decorations for her, and nobody was there when she woke up to make her feel better about getting a year older. Remy was dead. Lorna didn't care enough.

That meant that Lillian was left alone.

➳

"Finnick!"

Finnick had one hour. Normally, he's use that hour every day to walk Lillian around the lesser known parts of Thirteen, or help with the growing mound of work that was slowing building it's own pillar in the corner of the young girl's cell-like room. It was the only time he could give her the full attention she deserved- it also happened to be the hour when he'd be the most irritated when a member of Coin's personal staff came seeking him out.

It was like a little game they would all play. She would cut his free time to five or ten minutes, and he wouldn't say a word, but never quite complete the task he was pulled away because of. Last week, he'd left Beetee without one spare part that they'd asked for, just so it would look like they'd finished twenty minutes faster.

"Finnick!"

As much as the boy tried to ignore his turning mind when he was around the small girl, the sight of Lillian was enough to put him on edge. All he wanted was to see her grow, and to try to end the cycle that Lorna had created when she shut her younger sister out- so far he'd done as well as his own mother. That wasn't saying a lot.

"Finnick!" Evelyn shouted louder when she saw the two turn into the next corridor. They'd been caught by the woman who came searching for the man, and it seemed like Lillian accepted it before Finnick even had to say a word.

She let go of his large hand that had turned remarkably soft- softer than Lorna's used to be- when Evelyn smiled. She expected it to be another patronising excuse, or perhaps some questions that they knew the girl couldn't answer yet to throw her away from their real conversation. That was how it always went; it was as if Lillian Titan was just the name to these people, and the person they expected hadn't come to the District yet.

However, it was Evelyn that smiled down towards Lillian that time, and it was a stark reminder of the day the two met.

"Katniss asked for you."

"Of course she has." Finnick was beginning to dislike his little game. Coin always seemed to win it.

"She's been called to a meeting with Coin, something about her position as the mockingjay I think. But, she thought you might want to be there . . . For Lorna's sake. I can take Lillian for a while."

After her time away, it seemed like Evelyn was overpowered by guilt about leaving the compound once she realised Lorna wasn't with them. She'd explained it to Finnick briefly at breakfast that morning; he'd seen a mirror of what he would've become if Lillian hadn't been alone, despite the awful feeling he had in his stomach every time he thought about just leaving like she had. It was confusing, but this time, as she stared down a girl she classed as her own, there was nothing awful about her.

He might not have thought she deserved it, but he couldn't help but feel sorry for her desperate need to outrun the terrible decision she'd made. If Lillian was her way to make it up to him, or even just to make it up to her supposed family in District Five, then he would try to play along.

"Yeah. That would be nice."

Before he went, he watched as Evelyn shuffled on the balls of her feet as if she was about to run off again. She'd grown a little more jittery since her return; she glanced around the rooms she were in with a fascination that reminded the boy from Four of Beetee in the arena. While Lillian still smelt faintly like Lorna (something that punched him in the face each time he forgot what exactly she smelt like), Eve had taken on the smell of soot.

"Hey Lil, I've got something to show you." Evelyn's voice, however, hadn't changed a bit.

While they walked towards the girl's grey stone room, she hummed the same tunes that would put the girl to sleep when they were back at home, and tried her best not to run like they'd done around the square of Five. It was a stark change from the serious nature of the soldiers that past the pair; to them the little smiles and continuous song was a tactic used by a mother that tried to force her child to do something they hadn't wanted to do.

She seemed happy with herself as she almost skipped with Lillian into the small room and closed the door.

Lillian couldn't help but gasp at what the woman had done.

The room was no longer the horrid gray colour that Lillian hated so much. Where the stone used to be as cracked as the side or a dormant volcano, it had been transformed by colourful sheets and fabric of every colour until it barely looked like stone at all. Now, the lava and insides seemed to have erupted into a mess of textures and glitter that had been vacant for so long Lillian almost forgot the way it looked in real life.

One was a bright pink, with silver feathers imprinted into the blush like colour, while another piece over the top of it was the richest blue colour she'd ever seen. Nothing but the concrete floor was left gray as every colour under the sun got represented by some kind of fabric or draped blanket on her previously white bed sheets, but that wasn't even the part that Lillian adored so violently.

Her eyes were caught in a staring match with the middle of her bed, where a plate filled with fluffy pancakes sat ontop of a lilac silk that Evelyn had sown into her comforter. The pancakes were blueberry, with a golden shine dousing each from where the maple syrup trickled off the edge.

The mere sight of the food made Lillian want to cry again, because it was there; her pancakes were sitting like they had been for five years now in front of her with the same pleasant smell that made her feel warm inside. They made the cold room feel like the bakery she'd admired so much, and took away the deafening echo of every scream or bang that plagued the bunker in the daytime.

She looked up to really take in the change of Evelyn's face, or lack there of, while a new new wave of admiration crashed against Lillian dedicated to her old babysitter. She was the only one that remembered.

She was the only person who kept the traditions alive.

"Happy birthday Lil." She looked almost embarrassed. Evelyn Eaton was never embarassed. "I know it's not a lot- the fabric isn't even new- but I thought it might cheer you up a little bit."

Lillian beamed as she ran to sit beside her favourite food.

"The pink silt is from one of Lorna's first tour dresses; she always said that you loved to play dress up with that one the most."

Although Evelyn was speaking, her chatter only just about made it through to the birthday girl as she began to devour the stack of three that was still delightfully warm in the centre. It was like a warm hug, or from her experience, the static although nurturing kind that Lorna managed to give her on her birthday last year.

"You know, she told me so much about you- even the strange things that happened far before I'd met you. Like how you hate bare walls in the house, or that the only thing you've ever begged for is a plate of pancakes."

Without a knife or fork, Lillian had resorted to picking up each perfectly round disk with her hands to take her large bites; the suger from the syrup coated her lips as well as her fingers each time she tried to pick up another. It tasted of home. It tasted of her birthdays with Lorna and Remy.

"Thank you." Lillian mumbled as she grasped the last one on the stack. She'd eaten them all within three minutes, and laid back comfortably while Evelyn looked at the completely empty plate like it had turned into a wormhole specifically used to get rid of pancakes. She smiled a toothy grin at the woman who chuckled at the faint stain of maple on her cheek, then Evelyn seemed to remember something else that was in her pocket.

"I have something else for you! A present."

Evelyn gently moved the plate so that the two of them could sit on the bed. When she did she felt the emense difference between the scratchy covers of 13 and the smooth silk on the dress she chose to cut. It was heartwarming to see Lillian run her hand over it just to feel something other than irritation on her finger, but it was also a sombre reminder of what her new normal had been.

She'd left her. Evelyn stared into Lillian's droopy brown eyes as she cursed ever leaving her daughter alone in a place like Thirteen.

"What is it?"

Lillian'a legs didn't touch the floor when she sat flush against the wall, so her feet swung off the edge of her bed in excitement as Evelyn dramatically pulled the gift from her pocket. When she presented the unwrapped pin to the 10-year-old, she gasped once again. It weighted enough for Lillian to figure out that it was solid gold, and that made her eyes widen considerably more.

The golden circle was filled by an 'x' shape made from overlapping swords that bent towards the bottom of the pin. It looked unassuming to most that would see it on the girl's collar, but to anybody that looked closely enough, they'd spot the subtle differences in the sword that made it special. The weight got impossibly heavier as Lillian noticed the details that made the swords identical to Lorna's chosen weapon, even if she'd only see her sister hold them once before.

"She wanted to give it to you herself, but she's a little stuck right now. Happy Birthday Lillian."

Suddenly the childlike wonder in pancakes and presents failed Lillian. In that moment she grew up, and the amazing colours that reminded her of her daydreams became flat and chaotic for her eye. She'd never felt the same feeling that overcame her as her heart dropped, and the remaining taste of sugar on her lips turned overpowering instead of delicious. She felt the changing hand of age, even if this wasn't the kind of change she'd previously wished for before each birthday she'd ever had.

This time age felt wrong; she felt as if she'd been awaken to her utterly childish expectations and need for attention. Suddenly the peace in the District bunker didn't seem so bad.

•••••••••••
3028 words.

I wanted to dedicate a
chapter to Lillian because
let's be honest, she has
had a hard time. I thought
it was the right time to lose
a little of  her innocence,
as finally the girl has seen
the real world that effected
Lorna for so long.

ALSO, Happy Thanksgiving
to anyone that celebrates it.
I'm thankful for each and
every one of you that's
interacted with me in this
story and on this app. It
makes me happy and that
is unbelieveably precious,
so thank you.