☆ CHAPTER FORTY-TWO! ☆
042. what comes after

|| SKINNY LOVE ||
❝I told you to be
patient, I told you
to be fine, I told
you to be balanced,
I told you to be kind.❞

➳➳

HE WAS INCONSOLABLE. He had failed her.

While the thundering shakes of chaos rained on the forgotten District from above, he found himself numb to the jolts. In his bed (that sunk to the ground due to the amount of weight that was being concentrated on such a small area of the mattress) he barely felt the fabric on his clothes from his hands that were securely wrapped around his legs. He couldn't hear the whines of babies a couple rows down, or the gentle soothing of his fellow Victor who'd been lucky enough to imagine his situation as a what if. While Prim was safetly tucked under her arm, Lillian was gone.

She was dead in his eyes, and her soul weighed heavier than any that he'd killed before.

If he'd only waited a little longer to leave the ceferteria- or held on tighter as the whole of Thirteen decended the same set of metal stairs. If he'd gone back to get them both; if Gale hadn't tried to be the hero once more by restraining him alongside one other man that he'd never had the displeasure of meeting. His steps could've been smaller, and his willpower stronger, to ensure that another Titan wasn't entirely lost to him.

But he wasn't any of those things, and he hadn't done things that way. He'd made his choices, and it lead to him watching the Everdeen sisters with a jealousy he would never speak aloud.

He was sure Lorna would break if she knew. If she wasn't already, then man was entirely certain the last morsel of sanity would leak from her at the knowledge that her remaining family passed on to the other side. Perhaps she'd join her; selfishly, it was the first time Finnick was grateful for the horrors that the Capitol has placed on Lorna Titan. Even more selfishly, it seemed like the only thing that could bring a spark of anything back to the man was the woman that plagued his every thought. He wished so powerfully that she would be next to him with a comforting hand, that it almost erased the relationship Lorna and the deceased had themselves.

Was that selfish too? It was her sister after all, yet he had the audacity to wish that she was there for him. He could imagine the irony of it all after what he'd accused the girl of before the 75th Games; it seemed like it was in the most selfish moments when they called to each other the most.

"I'm sorry Finnick." Katniss' voice was weak as she whispered, with Primrose asleep against her shoulder.

When he glanced her way, her green eyes reeked of a sympathy he's seen only once before. It was a stark reminder of where this feeling had rooted from- and when he last felt like the small child he was, incapable of saving anybody but himself.

"Do you remember that day on the beach, when we all thought Lorna was dead?" He asked, voice void of any one distinguishable emotion.

It was both monotone and full of life. Almost burning with hurt while simultaneously projecting itself as ice cold. Katniss knew it well, and in her stiff position, nodded her head.

"You. . . Peeta, Beetee. You all left. You thought it was over but-" He paused to think about her. His friend, who'd been snatched too. He was yet to mourn her in the way that he should.

"-but Jo. . . she refused to believe that Lorna was gone. He'll, even when we joined you guys for dinner, she refused to toast her."

Katniss managed a weak smile, which barely covered a second before her mouth was turned down once more. She remembered the day well, but she knew more than anyone that Finnick needed to tell this story like she was hearing it for the first time. It was a happy ending. Something that she knew was lacking from the scenario he was currently left within.

"She said it was too simple." Katniss recalled, shaking her head as she imagined the red head in all her stubbornness before them. Sure, they didn't get along. But she understood Johanna's friendships, and was forever grateful for her sacrifice in the arena.

"Lorna is no side character." Finnick quoted. The chuckle that followed was lacking humour, but it seemed to ease the building pressure on his large shoulders.

Finnick had wished that what she said was true, but he'd heard it himself. The cannon had sounded- she was marked as dead. Like her little sister, in that moment Lorna Titan was deceased to everybody that knew her.

"She'd said that to Jo the first time they'd met you know." Finnick elaborated on his quote.

"It was right when Johanna asked why she'd come to stand by us instead of her mentor. It was her victory party, and yet all she could do was watch on from the sidelines. She said it was because she felt like a side character to her own win. Neither of us knew what she meant- especially she called us both main characters- so she elaborated. She said we were people that would always survive, whereas she was merely there by chance.

Of course that wasn't true. She was like us . . . she still is. In the arena, Johanna was the only one that truely believed that."

He had learnt a great deal about people's supposed character. He learnt that Lorna believed that stories defined them; that she thought there was no better way to understand a person than by looking at their most prevalent memories. For him, that night below the arena's false stars, was one of his. It was the night he refused to let the girl go- the night he threw away his stubbornness and swore to fight against Lorna's distancing if she ever came back.

He made a promise to himself then that if the universe was willing, he'd let his opinions go and simply enjoy their time. That vow had lead to this. Just Him; alone; mourning her sister in a bunker as he waited for her death.

Lillian Titan was so innocent- she was the untainted version of Lorna that could turn even the darkest shade of black to yellow. Now she was gone.

In the amber lights Katniss could barely see the tear stain on Finnick's cheek as he revealed a piece of rope in his hands. He wanted Lorna to hold his hand; his heart yearned for her to come home and for once, Katniss' heart was in the exact same place.

"Snow is using Lorna to punish us. He's taunting us with her- I didn't understand why until just now; watching that stupid cat." Katniss realised, glancing at the animal Prim had risked her life for.

Finnick inhaled as he dug his hands into his black trousers. He had realised his own things too, like how he knew Lillian went back for something of Lorna's.

"I keep asking myself what Lillian went back for." Finnick muttered. He spoke painfully slowly as he gathered his thoughts.

"I couldn't think of something more important that that little girl.....and then it hit me. She went back for the toy that Lorna gave her. In her mind, it's the only thing important enough to risk her life for. He isn't just taunting us Katniss- he's taking things to make the people that are left behind frazzled enough to put themselves as risk."

Finnick took a moment to tie the rope in his hands before he finally let his legs fall from his chest. Katniss wasn't like him; she was trying incredibly hard to stay together while everything around her- living and dead- tumbled.

"After your first games... I thought the whole romance was an act." Finnick admitted when his stormy eyes found Katniss' own, which held her own personal forest.

"We all expected you to continue that strategy, but it wasn't until Peeta's heart stopped and he nearly died that I knew I misjudged you. You love him. I'm not saying in what way; I don't think you even know yourself, but anyone paying attention can see it."

"How do you live with it?" Katniss asked the man from Four.

How did he live with it? How did Finnick live with the years of secrets and the mere hours he had to actually freely show it? How did he live with the constant disappointments, and now, the guilt of not being able to protect his last grand romantic gesture to her?

"I drag myself out of nightmares, and there's no relief in waking up. But- it's better not to give into it."

Finnick hadn't gotten over it. He was in the middle of the ocean with no lifeline back to the shore. He endured because he knew that one day he would see Lorna again, and that would make everything ok. She was the tether that would pull him back to land just so they could be together because that was who she was, and that was how much she'd grown to love him.

"It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart."

••••••••••
1622 words

THE ICONIC LINE HAS
BEEN SAID. We all know
what that means- there
aren't many chapters left in mockingjay part one......