╰┈➤ ❝ [  And I can still see it all (In my mind) ] ❞

TIGHTENING HER PONYTAIL A BIT MORE, Kim Ji-an stood by the kitchen counter with a lilac towel on her hand as she finished wiping the remaining dishes. The smell of the apple-scented dish soap surrounded the space around the kitchen with a sweet, fresh smell. Fortunately, Ji-an's relationship with Seo-jun wasn't the only one that improved, but she also grew closer to Chin-sun and surprisingly her brother too. Following the heartfelt conversation Ji-an had with Chin-sun in her room, the two——well, more like Ji-an had made a habit of helping Chin-sun around the house. They would talk about their day or just enjoy the company in silence.

"You really don't have to help me, sweetie." Chin-sun said, a hand tightly holding on to a knife as she cut the vegetables she bought. "I can do this by myself or the other maids can help."

Ji-an shook her head. "I've already told you I like doing this. Cleaning is kind of therapeutic. I also get to spend time with you." She turned around to look at Chin-sun. "Don't you enjoy my company?"

The woman, offended by the question, stopped her task. "How could you ask that? You know I do."

Raising her eyebrows, Ji-an tilted her head.  "Then don't complain about me helping."

Chin-sun smiled and resumed cutting. Ji-an finished wiping the dishes and placed them away to their respective places. Once she was done, she leaned forward on the counter as she watched Chin-sun. The older woman looked at Ji-an. "Your hair has gotten longer."

"You think so?" The girl touched the end of her ponytail, staring at the light strands. "I've been using a lot of hair oils to make it healthier. You know how the agency got when they saw I dyed my hair. I used to take care of It occasionally, but now I have to put in more effort if I want to keep modeling."

About four days after she dyed her hair, she went to the modeling agency. The girl still remembered the huge scolding she received. She didn't ask her managers for permission before changing her hair color and that did not make them happy. Changes, even the most minimal, are supposed to be discussed with them first to see if they allow it. After all, when they recruit a model is because they like how they present themselves and their appearance. Luckily, Kim Ji-an was very loved by the agency as she was one of the best they had, owning an incredible resume, very easy to work with, and there were zero complains about her.

So, they quickly grew a liking to her new look. But they did warn her to not pull any similar stunt without permission and that she had to really take care of her hair now. As she ever so often had to re-dye it, and without care this could be damaging.

Chin-sun placed the freshly cut vegetables inside some containers. "It looks beautiful, you need to tell which oils you're using. My hair has been falling a lot lately and I haven't done anything to help prevent it."

"Well, I use different kinds but the-"

"Oh, there you are." Ji-an's response was interrupted by Ji-hun as he walked into the kitchen. The boy had a large grin on his face. "I was looking for you. I have some good news."

Ji-an rolled her eyes, her hands coming down to her hips. "Don't you see we're having a conversation here? Learn some manners, dude."

Ji-hun raised his hands in surrender. "If it wasn't important matters I wouldn't be gracing you with my presence."

Wanting to hide the fact she was actually curious as to what her brother had to say, she huffed. "Let me guess. You finally realized I'm way better than you?"

The boy rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Very funny, sis. Come on, be serious."

"Okay, I'm sorry." She shared a curious look with Chin-sun and turned back to her brother with expectant eyes. "What is the big news you have for me?"

Ji-hun grinned widely. He clapped his hands together. "Guess who officially has a job now?"

Immediately, Ji-an straightened her posture, her jaw dropped to the floor and her eyes were opened wide. "What?!!" She covered her mouth staring at her brother like she had seen a ghost. "Tell me you're not lying! Ji-hun this isn't good news, this is a miracle!"

The boy laughed at his sister's dramatic reaction. "I'm telling the truth."

Ji-an was still in disbelief. She turned to Chin-sun who also held a look of surprise. "Can you believe this? I seriously thought I'll never live to see this day.

Ji-hun scoffed. "You literally helped me look for jobs, why are you being so extra?"

"Looking for a job is one thing; actually getting one it's another." Ji-an gasped. "Now, I can finally ask you for money as payback for all these years. You know, we should talk to Min-gi and tell him to hold a celebration party for you."

Ji-hun shook his head but there was amusement in his eyes. "Now, you're pushing it. I just wanted to tell you the news, thought you should be the first to know. Anyways, you can get back to the conversation you were having. I'll be in my room."

"Wait." Walking up to her brother, she placed her hands on his shoulders. "Being serious now, you've actually shown that you want to do better. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you, sis." He smiled. After what he had done at the party, his whole argument with Ji-an, and Min-gi punching the living hell out of him and calling him out on all the stuff he was doing wrong, Ji-hun felt like a complete idiot and failure. He had never been a good older brother to Ji-an. He never gave her a good example to follow, instead she gave it to him. He allowed his mother to say and do whatever she wanted with his sister, while he only addressed Ji-an when he needed something from her just like their parents did.

That night his drunk self couldn't handle the truth Ji-an was telling him, so he acted impulsively. It wasn't an excuse and he knew that. So he tried to do better. He was tired of living the same terrible life that wasn't getting him anywhere. It was time for him to finally mature. It's been hard getting out of his old habits, but it wasn't an impossible task, especially because despite his past behaviors Ji-an still forgave him and believed in him.

  ↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷

Hours later, Kim Ji-an went to the art supply store located at the mall. There were some supplies she had ran out of and wanted to restock on. Being a beginner meant she was still experimenting with different materials and techniques, trying to find the art style that she enjoyed doing most. So she ended up buying a few more things than intended as it was hard to restrain herself from buying just a couple of things with the sight of all those tempting colors and materials in front of her. The art aisle had really become her new favorite place in stores.

When Ji-an walked out of the store, she looked inside the bag. She really couldn't wait to use all those supplies. It really excited her. Enamored with her new art materials, Ji-an wasn't careful with her surroundings and ended up bumping into someone. "Oh, I'm so sorr-" Ji-an stepped back and looked up. The words spilling from her lips came to a halt when she was met with a familiar face. "Never mind, I was about to apologize but it's you."

There was a small smirk on Seo-jun's lips as he stared down at the girl. He leaned down to match her height, the aroma of his perfume engulfing Ji-an. "Since when did you become so rude, sweetheart? I thought you were sweeter than that."

Ji-an rolled her eyes but she couldn't fight the amused smile. She pushed Seo-jun back with the hand that wasn't holding the shopping bag, putting some distance between them. She had to admit she liked his choice of scent. It was warm, almost inviting yet intriguing in it's own way. The scent was refreshing, with hint of woodiness underneath and a sweetness that lingered. If Ji-an remembered correctly, it was the same perfume she had found in his room a while back. Ji-an grinned, "My mood just turns sour when I see you."

Han Seo-jun shook his head with a click of his tongue. "And here I was thinking about inviting you to eat."

Instantly, Ji-an's demeanor changed at the mere mention of food. Her stomach churned displeasedly. She had been so busy helping Chin-sun that she hadn't eaten much today. Seo-jun laughed in disbelief. "I knew this would do the trick but not this fast."

"Oh, shut up." Ji-an whined. Her mind had been so occupied she hadn't realized she was hungry until now. "This is your fault. Now take me to eat."

She grabbed a hold of his arm ready to pull him along with her, but Seo-jun stopped her. "Only if you finish your apology."

Ji-an sighed. The things she had to do for food. "I'm sorry for bumping into you, Seo-jun."

A satisfied smile was on the boy's lips. "See? Having manners isn't too hard, sweetheart." As nonchalantly as he could, he took her hand and began walking. "Come on, I know the perfect place."

Ji-an allowed Seo-jun to lead her, remembering the last time they had been at the mall together. They had been buying the gifts for Go-woon's birthday. Seo-jun got her make up and Ji-an got her jewelry. Ji-an had been a bit nervous about her gift but Go-woon ended up loving it, rare the case when the necklace and earrings weren't on her.

No longer than five minutes, the pair arrived at the place. It was right inside the mall. In fact, Ji-an was very familiar with the place. Her along with Su-ho, Seo-jun, and Se-yeon used to visit the restaurant quite often. Walking inside, the cozy atmosphere of the restaurant immediately hit Ji-an. The colorful walls with different painted patterns, were covered with warm fairy lights. The sight made Ji-an smile as she remembered her younger self wanting her room to look just like that. Circular wooden tables of all different sizes were placed around the place, so if you ever wanted to come alone there were tables just for one person or for a big group of people.

The whole place just gave that sense of comfort. Ji-an liked how most of the decoration didn't match with the patterns on the walls. It gave it a unique touch in comparison to those other fancy restaurants. It was different but nice in its own way. Everything caused Ji-an to be hit with a feeling of nostalgia and longing. The memory of the restaurant had fully slipped from her mind. She looked up, catching Seo-jun's gaze. "I had completely forgotten about this place."

"I figured." He smiled, giving her hand a faint squeeze before unwillingly letting go.

"Hi! How can I help you?" The restaurant's host asked as he approached them. The boy seemed young, a couple of years younger than Ji-an and Seojun. Kim Ji-an could remember years ago seeing a kid helping around the restaurant or just sitting at a table playing with his toys, she figured this must be the same boy.

"Hey! We'd like a table for two." Seo-jun responded while Ji-an continued absorbing in the place. It really hadn't changed at all.

"Absolutely!" The host nodded, waving his hand for them to follow him. "Would you like the table by the window or corner?"

Seo-jun turned to Ji-an letting her decide. "The one by the corner is fine." She didn't like the thought of people watching her eat.

Once at the table, the boy walked away to give the pair time to choose their meal. Ji-an looked through the menu wondering if there had been any new dishes added to it. There were more variety of appetizers and their list of dishes had increased considerably since the last time she had visited. She felt the urge to choose something new, but she quickly changed her mind as she was very hungry and didn't want to risk choosing something she would end up not liking. Deciding to grab something she knew she'd enjoy, she chose the restaurant's signature dumplings with some rice on the side. It was the thing she always ordered years ago, the thought about eating something from those happier days made her excited.

Han Seo-jun ended up ordering bibimbap, something he also used to order a lot in the past. The restaurant wasn't too busy today so it didn't take long for the waitress to arrive with their food. Kim Ji-an didn't waste any time to grab her chopsticks and dig in. She dipped the dumpling in the sauce and took a bite. Her mouth exploded with different flavors from the variety of ingredients the sauce was made of. The meat inside the dumplings was nicely seasoned too. Everything was just the way Ji-an remembered making her sigh in delight.

The girl looked in front of her, staring at Seo-jun as he silently ate. "Are you okay?" Ji-an asked, as she finished swallowing her bite. Seo-jun had been quiet, too quiet. No sarcastic remarks or any of his playful behavior while they were waiting or even now that their food had been served. "You look a little off."

Seo-jun looked up from his plate. He hadn't really meant to make the girl notice his change of mood. There were so many things running in his head that he had kind of forgotten he was alone. Looking back down at his food, Seo-jun moved it around with his chopsticks, hesitation in his voice when he responded. "I've been thinking about getting another job."

Ji-an's eyebrows furrowed, her full attention now on the boy in front of her. "Wouldn't that be too many things to handle? You already have school and modeling."

Seo-jun rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't want to burden Ji-an with his problems, or anyone for that matter. He used to be more open about this things in the past because Ji-an always encouraged him to do so, but after losing her it became a habit of his to bottle up his struggles. After Se-yeon's death, this worsened. But this was Ji-an, the girl he's been in love with since childhood and he was comfortable to let his feelings out without fear of judgement. "It's uh for my mom." He sighed, struggling to get the words out. "Ever since her surgery she hasn't been able to really work. She does help Jug-yeong's mother with stuff sometimes but it's not enough. I know lately she's been stressing out about it and I just want to take some weight off her shoulders."

Placing her chopsticks down, Ji-an's gaze softened. Her chest tighten at Seo-jun's honestly and how it was obviously affecting him. The boy always tend to be too hard on himself. "You've been dealing with all of that this whole time?"

"Yeah."

Ji-an bite the inside of her cheek. She felt guilty for being so selfish. Dragging Seo-jun into her mess while he had bigger things to worry about. "Now, I feel like an idiot. All this time you were going through stuff and all I did was waste your time. I'm really sorry, Seo-jun."

He shook his head. "Don't say that. I didn't tell you this for you to feel guilty. You need to stop apologizing so much, especially for the things I do and say." He finally made eye contact. "And I'm not only talking about this, sweetheart."

It was like her breath had been stolen from her. Ji-an's eyes widened a little. This was the first time Seo-jun hinted at what happened that night. No matter how long ago it had been, Ji-an still remembered it. Without meaning to, she was right back in that moment.

"I'm sorry." Her own words echoed in her mind. Quieter, younger, full of pain in the night everything changed. "What?" Seo-jun responded, his voice held an edge she had never heard before. His attitude so different from the boy she called her best friend. "I'm sorry for being the way I am."

The memory pulled her in with an ache. The confusion, sadness, anger, and guilt she had felt still clung to her being like a second layer of skin. A part of her she desperately wanted to peel off but couldn't do herself. Only the boy in front of her had the power to do so. Han Seo-jun could see her expression shift, spacing out for a moment like she was remembering something. It wasn't hard to figure out what it was. Seo-jun looked away guiltily. There was not a day where he was around Ji-an that he didn't think about the things he had said that night. He knew he ruined their friendship and even now that things seemed better, he was still paying the consequences.

The faint upbeat music playing in the restaurant was now louder in Ji-an's ears, a total contrast from the memory she had just indulged in. She took a sip of her drink thinking it could wash away the feeling. Clearing her throat, her words were full of sincerity, "I really care a lot about your mom. She's very special to me, so if there's any way I can help, don't hesitate to tell me. I'll always be here if you need any help. Whatever it is."

Seo-jun's heart beat loudly in his chest. He wondered what type of special privilege the universe had given him to have been able to cross paths with Ji-an all those years ago. "Thank you. I really mean it."  Seo-jun held her gaze, his own filled with affection as he took in the features he's grown to love. His voice was quieter meant for only her to hear. "You really mean a lot to me, sweetheart. More than you might think. I'm really sorry for not showing it or saying it before."

Ji-an's breath was caught in her throat. Despite everything and her present doubts, she found herself believing him. The steady and warmth with how he looked at her, like he had always known she meant something to him, weaken her walls even more. Ji-an was scared of getting hurt again and she wanted to be cautious, but Seo-jun was doing a great job at challenging her beliefs. Ji-an's leg bounced, and for a few seconds she hesitated.

Then she offered a genuine smile, one she meant with all her heart because no matter how rocky their history was, she never was able to hate Seo-jun. "You really mean a lot to me too."

Seo-jun's heart skipped a beat, the words catching him off guard. Moments like this made his years of waiting more than worth it. Feeling like that was enough emotional interactions, in the blink of an eye the normal Seo-jun was back. He ate more of his food and leaned back in his sit comfortably. "You're going soft on me, sweetheart."

Ji-an shook her head but the smile was still present on her lips. "I don't have much of a choice do I? You're annoyingly hard to get rid of."

"Get used to it. You're stuck with me now."

While the two silently finished eating their food, Seo-jun's mind went through different scenarios of thing she could say or do. Ji-an was a lot more comfortable with him now, the skepticism that used to be in her eyes after he did a kind gesture was gone now and replaced with something he couldn't quite pin point. He wanted to know what that was. In Seo-jun's opinion, he doesn't think he has much experience in the flirting field, or maybe he did. He didn't know. It wasn't like he had a girlfriend or someone that grabbed his interest for him to flirt with before. Most of his interactions with Ji-an came natural to him. So he didn't want to try and openly flirt too fast and scare her away.

After Seo-jun had pay for their food, much to Ji-an's protests, the pair walked out of the restaurant a lot happier now that their stomachs had been fed. Seo-jun decided it was time to say something, so turning to the girl with a playful smirk he draped his arm around her shoulders. "Thanks for the date, sweetheart."

Instantly, Ji-an's eyes doubled in size. She stopped walking causing Seo-jun to look at her with mock confusion. Had her ears deceived her or did she hear him call their unplanned outing a date? Annoyingly so, a warmth spread on the back of Ji-an's neck at the words. There was no way Seo-jun was being serious. He was messing with her. Despite the new awkwardness that took over her body, Ji-an scoffed, "As far as I know I tagged along to keep you from being lonely."

Seo-jun raised his eyebrows, having a lot of enjoyment at the reaction he took out of her. He could tell she was trying to play it off. He also took note that she didn't remove his arm from her shoulders, this only encouraged him to push a little further. "But doesn't date have a nice ring to it?"

Blinking in bewilderment, Ji-an frowned. "Did you fell off your bed this morning? We are not pretending to date anymore."

The boy shrugged, "I was just saying."

  ↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷

School had just ended, and Kim Ji-an quickly made her way onto the bus. She was tired and all she wanted to do was arrive home and sleep for as many hours as her body needed. With her backpack on her lap, Kim Ji-an grabbed her water bottle and took a long sip of the now room temperature beverage. The bus shook slightly as it continued to fill up with more students. She felt movement from the empty spot to her right as someone sat down. When she looked at who had settled beside her, a small smile formed on her lips. "Hey, Su-ho."

"Hi." The boy greeted, returning her smile with one of his own. He never struggled to do so when he was around her.

"How are you? I didn't see really see you around school today." Ji-an secured the lid of her bottle making sure it was really closed to avoid any spills before placing it back into her backpack.

"The principal wanted to talk to me about some things." Su-ho responded. His full attention was on the girl beside him. "Lately, my grades haven't been as good as expected."

Kim Ji-an's eyes widened. She didn't know about that. These past months they all kept their regularly scheduled studying sessions at the cafe. Occasionally, there were times when Su-ho seemed a little more distracted while tutoring her, a contrast to his usual unbreakable concentration, but she had brushed it off, thinking it was her mind imagining things. "Is everything okay at home?"

"Just the usual. I'm always alone, but I'm used to it." He sighed. "You don't have to worry. It's nothing."

It was true. His home life hadn't changed. His father was never home, but Su-ho liked it that way. Seeing the man more than necessary didn't sound appealing and it wasn't. His attempts at showing he was a respectable man didn't fool Su-ho. Underneath the facade, Su-ho's father was still the same disgusting man he has been all these years. So the reason behind his grades dropping wasn't because of his home situation, instead it was more about the girl sitting right beside him. It was like his thoughts had no ending point. Many thoughts, memories, and, most hauntingly, the 'what if's' ran through his mind constantly.

Ji-an nodded. She felt like he was hiding something from her but she didn't want to push. "Well, you can always talk to me about anything. I'll always be here for you, remember?"

Su-ho swallowed the lump in his throat, a strong amount of affection filling his heart. Why did she have to be so kind? Unknowingly, she was making everything harder for Su-ho. All he wanted to do was embrace her, hold her tightly in his arms and not let go until the pain inside his soul could no longer drown him in the inside. How lucky he had been and how unlucky he was now. For a few minutes, they simply shared a comfortable silence. Then Su-ho looked back at her, a small smile on his face. "You've changed a lot, you know,"

Ji-an looked at him surprised. "Good or bad?

"Good. I already told you before but I really like what you did to your hair. You also look a lot happier. It makes me feel better."

"What do you mean?" Her eyebrows furrowed.

Su-ho's voice went quieter. He didn't know if saying it would help his case in any way. "I don't know if I'll ever be okay with letting you go, Ji-an. But then I see that smile on your face, the one I hadn't seen in so long and it makes me know that I made the right decision."

"Su-ho." The girl called out, not really knowing what to say. Moments like this sparked twinges of guilt, maybe regret, or both. She didn't exactly know what she was feeling. This was the first time Su-ho was voicing out how he might have regretted his choice. And Ji-an wasn't stupid, she saw how he still had feelings for her. She could see it, feel it. When the pull between them was stronger than usual, things got confusing and she felt worse for trying her best to move on. It wasn't her intention to try and look happier, she just was. This made her feel like a terrible person. She couldn't imagine how Su-ho was feeling. But isn't that what he wanted? For her to be happy and move on?

Almost like he knew what she was thinking, Su-ho said, "It's fine. It's not my intention to make you overthink." He looked away, staring ahead. A few rows in front of them, there was a group chatting, but it was all just background noise to him. Su-ho offered Ji-an a reassuring look, one that told her to trust him. "I'll be happy as long as you are."

Kim Ji-an stared down at her hands. The problem wasn't about trust. Was he really going to be happy as long as she was? She hoped not. Ji-an wanted Su-ho to be happy for himself. The emotion in his voice pained her. It was again moments like this where she didn't know if she had really moved on. Had she? Because the way her heart felt like it was being twisted with a knife wasn't something someone who had moved on would feel. Moving on isn't as simple as just choosing to, not when feelings are as complicated and haunting as they are. But with everything they have gone through, this journey was never meant to be easy.

——————— ↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊ—————

—Joy

I saw a TikTok where it said something that made me think of Su-ho and Ji-an, and it made me sad. So imma tell you guys what it said, so we can all be sad.

"We were so close yet so far, like January and December." You cannot tell me that's not Su-ho and Ji-an ☹️

I better not see any of you guys judging the scene with Su-ho. Moving on it's not easy. Even though Ji-an is almost there, the doubts and confusion are still present.

I made memes this time 🫶🏼