CHAPTER fifty-two| THE DOCTOR'S PLAN

Miley Cyrus~ nothing breaks like a heart
❝This world can hurt you, it cuts you deep and leaves a scar.❞

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KATNISS HAD BEEN taken by Coin somewhere that I didn't know, it was one of the many things that I had missed in my sleeping state. It didn't matter, I knew that it was nowhere that I wanted to be while my heart burned for something that came close to the feeling that I got in my old house, by the square of District 5 or in my own bed. A bed that I hated when it was given to me because it was too much, a bed that I had come to realise was not a curse but a perk from all of the torment that I had suffered since. I assumed that it was broken in the bombings.

Yes, everything in Five was destroyed, and yet I never felt like my home was crushed more than when I was left in my hospital bed to watch as Finnick walked away. He had left me to think, and that was the most dangerous thing that he could of done in the whole world in a time like that one. Unfortunately,I finally had a real use for the woman that was assigned to me, even when Dr. Granger hadn't seemed to think that I was ready to admit that yet. That was all that I thought about as she sat on the side of my itchy bedsheets and turned her notebook to a page that was not as creased as it was before, while still being indented from her quick writing that she had done before. I caught a glimpse of some kind of doodle on the top of the page before; it was gone before I could try to see what she had drawn.

"I'm happy you wanted to talk to me Lorna, I have a few further questions for you." The Dr. asked as she uncapped the lid to her pen. Her hair was let out of it's usual bun and her normal black shirt was replaced with a more vibrant blouse that was unusually yellow; it was bright enough to distract me momentarily from another concept that had been circling around me.

"What did you feel when Peeta said the trigger? Was it painful, or just dizzy?"

It wasn't what I wanted to talk about, but I did see some kind of panic within the woman in front of me who was beginning to grip the leather back of her notebook. She looked like she didn't know what she was doing as she watched me fumble my way into an answer, but that was to be expected, I was a special case that she wouldn't of been expecting.

"It felt like somebody had ran a train into my brain. Not physically, it didn't hurt, it was as if everything inside of me was jolted by it. Then I fell and it did hurt, but it also felt like I wasn't me anymore." I tried to explain the best I could. It wasn't great, I knew that, but this time I noticed that she wrote a question mark on another line.

Dr. Granger seemed to think over my answer as I itched to blurt out what it was I had to say. My toes twitched as I thought about moving out of my bed and out of the door to feel more free, and then they twitched again as I thought about just spilling my guts in front of a doctor that might -finally- let me understand myself.

"Finnick came to see me. He told me that I might hate him." I finally told her. My voice didn't wobble, it was steady and not too loud to make it seem as if I wasn't as worried about it compared to how I actually was. My heart fluctuated when she looked up from her notebook like I had told her that I had met her before 13. Her long eyelashes fluttered shut as she tried to think of what to say to me, and then she nodded her head so that her jaw became a part of her long neck.

"What do you think?" She asked me.

That was it, I didn't truly know what I thought. I didn't hate him, surely not when I found comfort in his touch and from the smell of salt on his clothes but I couldn't tell her that I didn't. I never really acknowledged that it was him that killed my sister, and in a way my friend who went out with her.

"I don't know. I'm not used to doing this alone, all I can remember is that whenever I didn't know, I asked Evelyn. She was better at this, hell I even remember asking Carmella for help with making friends." I remembered with a small smile on my face. I had forgotten momentarily about my stylist and what she had done for me, and I had forgotten about how much I relied on people like her.

My smile was short lived. I had forgotten them, I had lived even for a second in a world where Carmella and Eve weren't around to make me better and to help me understand what it was that I was feeling and that meant that for that short moment, they had truly died. I had let them go and in my selfishness the spirit that kept my friends tethered to me had faded; the amount of people that had left me continued to grow ever longer. For once I thought that they outweighed the people that were still alive.

"Tell me about these people. Were they your friends?" Granger tried to coax a reply out of me.

"No." I denied. She looked up again, her teeth that had yellowed only slightly were hidden behind her tight smile.

"They were more than my friends. Carmella was a genius, she was someone that was so passionate that she made anything beautiful. Evelyn, she was like my mum- she was better than that."

"It seems like you have lost a lot of people; but you know exactly how you feel about them." Dr. Granger pointed out. " You tend to romanticize the dead, I think that we all do, but you still know exactly how you felt about them. Why is it that you can't do the same with the living?"

It was true, but I always knew that I saw the good in the dead. They both had died doing something that was not for them, but for those around them and perhaps that was why I looked at them like they did not deserve their outcome. Carmella had died for the rebellion, Eve died for me.

"People that are alive do things everyday that change how you feel about them. I don't trust myself anymore; I just want to be able to understand what I want. If Finnick is right, then I want to know now." I answered.

The doctor closed her notebook with a sudden but satisfying snap that made me sit up higher in my chair. She also ran a hand through her slighty frizzy hair as she reached into the pocket of her trousers for something, only to pull out a black device and a load of wires.

"Any time that I don't know what I'm feeling, I turned to music. There's something about it; every note in music is chosen to play a part in some grand symphony that is supposed to tell you a specific story, and I believe that there is no better way to understand the world. Sadness, anger, even love; everything is in every single peice of music and its up to you to find what it is you are looking for. If you hate Finnick, you will find it in here. This will play some of my favourites, mostly classical, when you get out of here and get to go on the surface. Next time you go up I think that you should try it; you cann't just listen to it, you have to understand it. "

She timidly gave her player over to me as if it was her child. It was unscathed, it looked like it had been loved for many years before it was given to me and that made it precious.

"Thank you-"

"Elliana." Granger interrupted as she stood up from my bed. It was a small step, a step that I didn't take lightly as she left me to think over what it was that she had just said. Music was not something I had heard a lot of, it was barely something that the poorer Districts got to experience, so that already told me something about the woman who was supposed to help me. The other was how much she seemed to love it; she knew what she felt and maybe that was because of what she was listening to. Mozart's clarinet concerto was written on a label behind the button to turn it on; as much as I wanted to press it I managed to just stare at the neat writing as I heard the door click shut. It was loved. I wanted to find what I felt, and this time I was deturmind to do it without forgetting my friends that got me here.

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1610 words.

Dedicated to MidnightShadow17 for the awesome comments that always make me laugh and wtflangdons for being utterly amazing and so so talented. Her graphics are outstanding and it all just blows my mind! Thank you both.