( gif by hazzawckd < 3 )

⚠️ quick mentions of self harm with a needle and lighter. ⚠️

word count: 4747

"It's so ugly lookin'"

"Thank you so much, Tiana." I laughed into the phone, laying my head against the headboard as I stretched out my legs and arms with my phone pressed between my shoulder and ear. Momentarily switching so my face was in view now, no longer needing to hold it up.

"Hear me out. What if a cute boy asks about it and then you tell him what happened, fall in love and tell your future children about it." Sydni says on the voice chat we have going on in the discord server.

"Oh maybe someone will kiss it better." Tiana chimnes in, her eyes staring at me like it was a good idea, but the idea was shut down without hesitation.

"Or laugh!"

"What even happened to cause you to faint? Did you see a ghost?"

"Nah, it was just fucking hot and the whole day I was running around trying to prep their outfits that I didn't have any time to eat." I mumbled, wishing it was true and wanting to tell them the real reason besides it was hot. I fainted because I saw a side of people I only heard in movies and read in books.

"Girl, you always sick. Do we gotta be worried about you?" Tiana scolded me, Mitski playing in the background of the call. I could hear the concern laced in her tone.

I hate the band and they drive me up a wall. I hate that I signed my life away, I hate this.

I trace the outline of my knuckle with a solemn expression on my face, staring at the body of the lamp next to me on the table. In times like this I wish I was back home, not New York home, Washington home. Hiking with my friends, driving around the city with our heads hung out the window as the breeze blee through our hair. I miss the little things. I miss the safe things.

"(Y/N)..." Tiana represses from my silence.

"Nah, I'm good. I'm gonna just try to enjoy this, it's just a different pace." I reassure them. "I'm just home sick is all."

After a while the topic dies and we catch up on things, play a few games on our ipads before I let them know I gotta go. My phone was placed down next to me on the bed, my knees pulled to my chest as the salty tears uncontrollably started to fall down my eyes. I wore my emotions on my face and my heart on my sleeve, the slightest thing could cause me to be emotional. The fact I couldn't tell my two closest friends about what was going on made me feel even more alone. I was scared to put them in danger if they became affiliated by association with me if I told them.

This type of isolation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy—minus Hobie—but I'm a ball of stress all the time and I can't keep walking around on eggshells if I want to continue working alongside everyone.

I haven't left the hotel room since Miles came to check on my wound, I was too nervous to leave given what happened last time I tried to have a day off for myself. These comforting, expensive hotel rooms were becoming prisons in my mind. I looked like a ghost, I needed some type of air.

I walked into the bathroom finally to splash water on my face to try and cool myself down, my eyebags got darker and my cheekbones felt like they were caving in on my face. I didn't bother putting any concealer on to hide them, there was no point anymore.

I exited the bathroom and walked to my belongings, opening my suitcase with my foot before bending down and scanning the clothes that were piling out from the sides before I grabbed a black hoodie and tossed it over me, my hood over my head as I replaced my shorts for some grey sweatpants. I had a bit of a headache and the urge to release everything all at once was becoming more and more strong.

I grabbed my phone, keycard, a lighter and a small sewing pin and shoved it into my sweatshirt pocket. I slipped on my slides before grabbing the door handle, opening and closing it right behind me. The tip of the needle digging into my skin once my hands slid back into the pocket resting on my sweatshirt.

I let out a small cough, sniffling and wiping my face to stop any tears from falling, but also making sure I looked presentable since this was the first time I left since yesterday. The hallway was dead quiet when I walked down it. Around the corner was a little glowing sign bounced around the walls of the warm colored wall. I wanted to head down to the lobby and walk around the city, but the sign on the wall showing 'Rooftop' made me turn on my heels and head in that direction.

I was surprised when the door to the roof was unlocked seeing as anyone could just walk up and jump. Security cameras were scattered in the area to make me feel a bit better, knowing I wasn't entirely alone walking up here.

My slides scuffed against every step on purpose as I walked up to the very top, grabbing the silver handle and opening it up to a night breeze hitting me in the face.

I stepped up onto the rooftop, feeling the fresh air engulf me for the first time in almost twenty four hours. I was surprised that the rooftop had what looked like a little hang out area with chairs, a bar stand, fake grass that had a giant chess game laying flat on it. The colors blue and purple caught me attention first, the LED lining along the edge of the roof glimmering against the moonlight.

The scene from up above was a panoramic view of the city, making me stare in awe. I let the door go, placing rock in between the door and the doorframe so I wouldn't get locked up here completely.

Once the rock was wedged through, I turned and started walking ahead to the edge of the rooftop where the lights were just bright enough to shine down below before disappearing at the twentieth level of the hotel. The wall was just barely to my hips. I leaned over the edge to look at the ants of people below me, the possibility of falling to my death was enough to have me take two steps back before straightening myself back up. My hands rested on the cold concrete and looked over the city, feeling like I was finally free of all things bad on this tour. I would've taken some photos and little videos to send to my friends, but I wasn't in the best state of mind to think about that.

The view was so pretty, every building shining with different lives living there. The thought had me dabbing my cheeks to wipe away the little bit of tears that fell, I was always one to get emotional thinking about how beautiful life is when I wasn't being threatened.

I felt peace at this moment.

I dove my hands into the pocket of my sweat to retrieve the lighter and needle, pulling the two items out. The addiction was one I stopped so long ago I was almost hating myself for breaking it. Lighting the lighter, I squatted down to have the wall block the wind from breezing in so I could light the needle just enough for it to be warm, enough to have a little sting when it laid against my wrists. It was better than other options, but still the worst to be doing. I was doing well, I stopped after she died and promised her every day I wouldn't pick up another needle and lighter; but hopefully she understands why I need this escape for a few seconds.

I shut my eyes for a moment as I stood back up on my feet, holding the needle between my index and thumb before pushing my sleeve back to lay the needle down without hesitation, I felt a small bit of tranquil in this moment. Everything around me was slowing down whenever I lifted the needle up slightly and placed it back down on a different area of my wrist. All I could hear was the distant sound of cars, but even that didn't pull me out of the deep thought I was in. The sound of the breeze was what kept my mind from completely shutting down, it was comforting my numbing soul.

I kept my eyes shut for a few more seconds, letting that stinging feel vanish before I placed both items back in my pocket like it never happened. At this moment I wasn't scared, right now I felt nothing. Maybe I was too worn out for emotions and tears, the feeling was nowhere near comfortable.

I wish I was at a different point in my life looking off into the city on this rooftop. I wish I was here on a better note, my friends laughing behind me with drinks in our hands and the world moving at a pace that we could keep up with. I wish I was with my mom looking over the edge of this building as we make up fake stories of people in the windows and what their lives are. I wish I was laying in a bundle of blankets on the floor with Elle, the two of us pointing out faint constellations like normal twenty year olds we were, not having a care in the world.

But instead here I was, wishing I wasn't afraid of death and throwing myself over the railing of this rooftop to escape Hobie.

I let out a small breath with my head dropping just a bit. While I know I am normally quite upbeat and energized, I have had a few rough weeks as of late that have left me in a state of alamort.

"Burning your skin is a bad habit."

I felt my body tense up, heart pulsing. I turned my head immediately to the voice that I prayed was just in my head. But I was terribly wrong when I saw another person on this rooftop.

To the far right of the corner of the building was Hobie sitting on the edge of the building with his legs dangling over the side with a relaxed posture, my breath was caught in my throat at his position. Half of his body was glowing in the mixture of colors like mine from the fluorescent LED lights. His head stayed looking straight out towards the city. I was sure no one was there when I got up there, I looked everywhere.

I stood frozen in place like many times before, but for some reason I didn't have that flight response or the same gut wrenching feeling like our many other interactions. I don't know if it was because I was too focused on the small burning sensation on my wrist or if seeing him after all the hours of mental torture he has put me through finally caught up to cause me to go numb.

I looked at him from my spot, his head turning to look at me now. His large hands rested on either side of his thighs, fingers tapping in a rhythmic pattern on the concrete. The way his legs freely dangled over the edge of the two hundred foot building, one push he would fall to his painful death. I couldn't imagine sitting like that on the edge.

But just one push was all it took.

His side profile colored in the mixture of blue and purple, his loosely tied back hair was out of his face. A cream colored t-shirt and grey sweats hugged his body, his back straight when he sat up. His muscles were tensing and untensing, specifically on his arm that was facing me; the colors made the faint line of his muscles pop even more. He seemed bothered that I was here, like he knew I gave him no reason to be scared I could run over and push him over the edge. I was no threat to him and he knew that.

I looked down at my wrist where the marks were at, tugging the sleeve down so it slipped past my fingertips. I peered back at the cityscape ahead of me, letting out a sigh.

"That is the least of my concerns right now." I finally answered back.

"Why is that?" I heard him answer in that stupid monotone voice from a distance.

I held my breath and thought hard about my answer.

"Because I won't have to worry about a little burning on my skin when you will be the cause of my pain anyway." I said back, all emotion gone from my voice. "You'll be the first to kill me anyway."

I turned my body completely away from him, only my back was facing him as I rested my elbow on the wall with my cheek leaning in my hand before I snapped my head back towards him when I heard him shuffling around. His feet came into contact with the ground, stomach tensing as I watched him walk over to my area. I kept my composure, not letting him see me get riled up anymore.

When I could smell his natural scent, I immediately felt the heat from his body suddenly right up on me, the calmness of his breath.

"Pretty little things like you shouldn't be doing that to your skin." He rasps out next to me, his fingers gliding down my arm before softly gripping my wrist to turn around. My sleeve was pushed up, our eyes not making contact except when he let go after examining them. Instead, he pulls out a blunt from his back pocket and hands it to me with his index and middle finger. "And I actually mean that."

He chuckles to himself, like it was so surprising he could have a good bone in his body.

"I doubt that." I responded back like I wasn't afraid of him.

"You think so low of me." He naturally had a scratchy, raspy voice when he spoke in a non-threatening way, and it only became this way when he was near me.

To my surprise once more, he sits back on the wall again with his legs dangling over the edge, his front half always facing the city like he was scoping something out. His face was glowing in the lights, shadowing parts of his features that you could only make out if you were this close to him. He was slightly off to the right of me, his hands trembling as he placed them under his legs.

"Heard you got a nasty scar." He mumbles, my fingers moving up to caress the scar in question as I cleared my throat.

"Yeah." I breathed out. "Miles stitched it up."

He nods, using his hand to push my head forward a bit so he could see the scar for himself.

"He's so young to be a doctor.. Well Nurse. Is he really one?" I further ask.

He chuckles, dropping his hand before looking out over the edge of the rooftop. Eventually he looks back with a blank expression.

"Something like that." He replies short.

"What about you then?"

"What about me?"

"Do you have some hidden talent that you hide?"

His face grew into a smirk. "I'm no doctor baby. Can't even take care of myself if I wanted to."

"I figured that as much." I shoot back, crossing my arms over my chest as I turn with my back facing the city. "I just don't think you of all people are a normal musician."

He grins while shaking his head. "Why is that?"

"I just... get this feeling you aren't who you say you are."

"Have any guesses, then?"

I looked down to my feet to think of what he might be hiding, but to no dismay I couldn't figure it out in time. I glanced back up to meet his gaze.

"Well?"

I roll my eyes with a huff, trying not to get lost in his hypnotizing colored eyes. I gripped my hands into a small fist, not thinking we would get this far in a conversation.

He shifts a bit farther on the edge, his ass just barely hanging off the ledge of the rooftop. All it would take is one push and he could go toppling over to his death.

"Aren't you scared I'll push you for how close you are to the edge." I murmur.

He looks over at me from over his shoulder, eyes staring at me like he was daring I would do such a thing before glancing back in front of him to peer over in between his legs. It was obvious he wasn't afraid of heights and wasn't afraid of his life ending.

"What ya gonna do if I did fall?" He asked to my surprise, like it was an actual thought playing over and over in his mind.

"What."

"What if I just pushed myself off this building? Would you try and save dear ole me?" He asks again, an amused tone dancing on his tongue.

"You don't want me to answer that."

He chuckles. "Be honest." He insists, "I would let you fall if the roles were reversed. Life would be a whole lot easier for the both of us. Shit, if I were you, I'd let myself fall as well."

I stayed silent, mouth agape in his honesty.

"In either scenario, one of us had freedom at the expense of the other. Since I'm dangling on the edge of this roof, you should just push me and end your misery." His voice was playful, I could tell; but if I listened hard enough I could hear the seriousness in it.

"Plus, why would you want to save someone who is making your life a living hell." He adds, raising an eyebrow.

He just admitted he would let me die.

"Nice." I shake my head at his answer, an answer I didn't want to hear. I never in a single moment thought about putting my life in his hands to begin with, but hearing him say that made me feel upset.

"You want me to be more honest, yeah? Do you want me to lie?"

"If given the opportunity and I didn't have a conscience, I would have pushed you off the roof by now." I bluntly said, a fake smile on my lips.

"Really? You would?" He says in amusement.

"Absolutely." I was becoming aggravated at this point.

"What happened to that innocent girl I met at the party months ago? You would really allow me to fall to my death and not try to help me?" My stomach churned at the thought of it.

His lips form in a line and nods, placing his hands back behind him before jolting his body forward in one quick motion. My heart started pounding out of my chest with my veins shooting adrenaline. In total reflex I jumped forward to grab onto his shoulders from behind, arms tightly secured around his chest with my chin resting on his shoulder. My breathing is heavy.

His smirk plastered on his told me it was a joke and he wasn't really going to push himself over the edge, he was just testing me on my bluff.

He leaned his head back so his lips were close enough to my cheek with his breath coating my own. His hands were still latched to the wall of the building.

"Seems like you would have saved me after all." He looks down from the corner of his eyes to my arms wrapped around him.

I let out a frustrated groan while letting go of him, the grin staying on his face. "It was a reflex. And for your information, that 'innocent' girl is still here. You just don't get the opportunity to talk with her ever again."

"Reflex or not, you still tried to save me." He says nonchalantly, knowing he won and I was the one left feeling stupid like I normally do with him.

I shook my head and looked past him to the faint outline of times square off in the distance, my arms holding onto one another now. I gave up wanting to continue this conversation since it benefited no one but him to humiliate me.

"Whatever. Goodnight."

I turned away from him and walked, but was stopped when he grabbed my wrist.

The contact brought me right back to him with his body turned to face me, legs spread so I was resting in between them. My chest got heavy and cheeks turned a darker red, he snakes his strong arms around my waist so I was literally stuck there. He was only an inch or two taller than me from his seating position, our eyes meeting halfway with his looking down and mine up.

"Do you want to know something crazy?" He whispers out, holding me close between his legs. My hands were resting on his chest but I couldn't/wouldn't/ dare push if I tried. "If we fell back right now, falling to our death as we plummeted from the top of this building, you would be the only one who would hit the bottom of the ground. Bones breaking inside of your cavity that they start to leak out blood from little holes your bones caused. You might even end up on the front headlines of the news."

"Let me go.." My voice was shaky.

"Think about it. You could go down in history as one of the first ever to die under the contract of Karl Lagerfeld. People will wonder if you jumped, got pushed. The tragic story of a young, inspiring fashion intern who was just trying to make it in this world. They would have to write the prettiest article about you because only pretty things deserve such attention." He spoke in such a calm tone I couldn't make out the bluff anymore. Was he really going to risk his life and mine for some comic relief?

"I don't want that." I frantically said, all parts of me trying to stay calm and collective were coming to a halt. My back arched against his hands to try and pull away from him, I could feel his grip get tighter on me.

"Why not?" He questioned with his head cocked to his side in a whisper, my mind was racing a hundred miles per hour to forget the reality of us so high up now. It wasn't the thought of us dying that scared me—I mean it did—but it was the idea of how he said only I would hit the bottom of the ground. I would be the one with broken limbs, skull cracked open, bones piercing my skin to have me bleed out; that's what frightened me. He didn't say anything about himself, it was all me.

"I don't want to die." My throat clenched, tears threatening to spill as always.

I hoped this was another way of him trying to scare me—and it was working really well.

He looked down at my lips for a moment with a straight expression but playful eyes, his hooded eyes traced my small features from my cheek bones to my neck; it was such an act of intimacy I almost forgot where we were at. Just for that one millisecond, then I was back to my senses of being locked in his arms over two hundred feet high.

He finally releases his arms around me before placing his foot on my abdomen to push me back just a few steps as he hops off. Once he was on the floor, his hands slipped around my waist in a more appropriate manner and not on the brink of life or death. His cold hand slipped under my sweatshirt to rest on the warmth of my lower back, he didn't go any lower than that and didn't go any higher; little circles were being made from the pad of his thumb. Our faces were so close together I could see faint, little holes from piercings he used to have on his lips and nose.

My heart was beating in my chest, his hand pressing harder on my lower back so I could arch further against him with my hands slipping up to his chest to hold on to him for support.

The air between us was starting to get thicker as he got closer to me the best he could with his grip on my back painfully hard to assert his dominance.

"Y'know, I think of you as a locked away princess in a castle who needs help." He brings his opposite hand up to my face, caressing my cheeks with a mischievous look on his face. "Because you are just as useless as they are."

I rolled my eyes and pounded one fist on his chest, a surprisingly bold act on my end that ended in him gripping my wrist to spin me around, his one hand holding my hands above my head as the other slipped out from under my sweatshirt to rest on my hip. Again, he didn't go higher or lower. He just kept it there to stabilize me. But I could feel his hands softly shaking.

I was confused by the sudden change of position and thought he wanted for me to not see his expression or his next move, but his next move did catch me off guard when I felt his soft lips leave the most unemotional, chaste kiss I ever experienced on my skin before. "You mean nothing to me and you are just in my way. Driving me crazy." He continued to leave them around one side of my neck, the final one being on my cheek.

He finally lets go of me after what seems like forever, my feet moving me away in time to turn around as he passes by me with his shoulder hitting me hard on my own as he walks the opposite way of me. I was thrown off for some reason, wishing I was thrown off this building now instead.

I could easily make out his features from the lights that beamed on his face. His jaw was clenched, he looked like I was the one poisoning him with his face filled with nothing but despise. His softness was masked by a psychotic person, scary and on full display if you let your guard down. The kiss was gentle, him being respectful to not go lower or higher was the only nice thing he did for me; but him all in all was not gentle at all.

He was calm on the rooftop, he was soft with his tone and didn't look as though the world was against him or I was out to get him in those few seconds when I wasn't looking at him. Then he started speaking and telling me all about how I could die, I mean nothing to him and I'm useless with that glare on his face he only has when he is around me and no one else. I should feel proud he only thinks of me when he glares, but he just does it so often I don't feel as special anymore.

His smile is eerie and grim whenever I'm around. He doesn't show his teeth, there are no crinkles near his eyes to make crows feet, his eyes are always slightly wide whenever he does and he often does those motions to trick me or lure me in like a predator hunting his prey. This man was hiding something and I wanted to know, I always want to know whenever I have to work with someone who hates my guts and if he wanted to play like this, I can play the same back.

Because I have just the same amount of masks as he does.