( gif by hazzawckd <3 )

The rush of adrenaline keeps me up half the night. I give up on sleeping and lay on my back in my bed, occasionally glancing out at the window at the nightlife before shifting my gaze over to the clock that rests on my dresser. It's nowhere near six, but my heart is pounding in my chest like I was late for something.

I count the grooves in the wall. Everything in my room is bare, untouched, exactly how it looked when Monique sent me the photos a month ago. They were kind enough and lent me their old furniture that they no longer wanted, so most of it was expensive handy downs.

My things are still in my suitcase, the clothes piling on top from searching for an outfit lay there without any motivation to clear it off. Under any other circumstance, I'd have rushed to unpack, but there they lay, propped open against the chipped painted wall, bursting at the seams. Inside remains my old life: clothes, my laptop, an envelope of developed photos I took on my polaroid camera and an old notebook I can't seem to leave behind.

I sit up, my eyes focusing on the neon blue light that hangs outside on the opposite building before my feet hit the cold ground. Gripping my suitcase, I pull it towards me before I pull out the first envelope and stare down at the photos with a blank look. The first one is a picture I took of me, my sister and our older brother at the water park a year ago today. There is always this sense of melancholy when I hold it, like I am looking at someone who no longer exists. We are leaning against the railing at the new waterslide they built, we have fake medals saying we survived and I'm the only one who has two thumbs up.

Our brother left for the military a month later, he doesn't come around or message often as he promised, but I see his facebook posts and he is living his best life.

The second is of my mom and me during a trip to Chicago during new years eve. I'm in her arms, wrapping my own around her, grinning at the camera as the fireworks shoot off behind us. Mom is smiling, too, but it's noticeably different from the ones I see now. Her smile seems genuine, here, and behind her eyes doesn't have that linger of panic.

...

The morning routine calms me. I start by turning the water on and wiping off the fog that clouds the mirror to see my reflection. I wrap my hair up with the towel before placing the tips of my fingers on my cheeks and dragging them down, the skin following before it goes back into place when I let go. Some days it feels like I'm staring back at a ghost rather than myself, a ghost of someone who no longer exists.

By the time I am finished, it's nearing six-thirty in the morning, which means Tiana and Sydni are still up doing god knows what. Instead of clicking on our group chat to call, I scroll a bit further down to Shawn's number, an anxious feeling lingering in the back of my chest as I hit the call button. I know he is up because he doesn't sleep, he likes working late into the night or even playing video games but complains about how sleep deprived he is the next day.

It rings once, then twice. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I heard his voice on the other end. I released it. "Hey, puppet." He jokingly says on the other end. "Was about to think you forgot about me." I roll my eyes with a shaky laugh, overwhelmed to hear him. It hasn't been too long since I left, but he and I were always together. Every holiday party my parents threw together, school events and class projects.

I step inside my room, shutting the door behind me as I lean my head back against the door with a little smile dancing on my lips, towel tightened around my body as I pick away at the seams of it. "When will you stop calling me that?" I refer to the embarrassing nickname.

Shawn and I became joined at the hips when he moved to my school my junior year of high school. I struggled in math, he was far too advanced for the math class we both sat in; he told me I messed up, I told him to mind his business. He gave me that stupid, boyish grin and ever since then we were inseparable.

It wasn't love at first sight or anything, but whenever we saw each other in the hallways, he would drop by my locker and say hi. Eventually, those heys turned into full on conversations and those turned into frequent hang outs and video chatting on the weekends whenever he went out of town for his lacrosse tournaments. We became two halves of the same person.

"I'll stop calling you that when you can erase that memory from the brain." I hear him stand from his desk before his mattress takes his weight on the bed, the silence is almost comforting. "I miss you." He mumbles softly, his tone sad for the first time since I ever knew him. He masks his emotions well, I only ever saw him cry once when his little sister was born.

I can't help, I laugh, and he joins in, too. "I miss you, too," I say. "I just wanted to hear your voice, my roommates are taking me out to explore the city today before I start my internship tomorrow." I push myself off the wall to head over to my suitcase, pulling out cargo shorts, a red t-shirt and a few off-brand jewelry for the day. "They want to show me the real New York way."

"I am sure you will survive."

My throat stings.

"Barely," I hear his older sister bang on his wall and we both let out a little laugh. "Alright, alright. I will let you sleep." We both say goodbye, our 'I love yous' and then the phone call ends.

As soon as I hang up, I check the time, then I check it one more time. I tell myself if I can make it through the day they have planned, everything else will be fine.

Out in the kitchen, Vanity has her body sprawled out across the couch with her arms lazily hanging off the edge with a remote in her hand. Eliana is flipping pancakes. Monique is at the breakfast table, a cup of coffee in one hand and her laptop in front of her as she taps away an email.

The scene reminds me of familiarity, hitting me out of nowhere. I imagine I am back at home, my mom sitting at the dinner table with a plate of eggs to her left and her laptop to her right. At this moment, I don't see three people who have high paying jobs, I see normal, teenage girls.

Monique lifts a bony hand, indicating the empty seat. "Good morning' sunshine! I made some pancakes, don't mind the smell of burnt, Vanity likes them a bit... burnt."

I take a seat opposite and watch as Eliana walks around the room like she is at work, the way she maneuvers holding two plates in either hand is impressive up close. It's seven in the morning on a warm Spring day, but she doesn't have a hair out of place. Her dark locs are twisted into a french braid, falling down her back and her mint green dress is the perfect shade for her slight tan skin. Even at home, in the company of just three other girls trying to make the most of our lives, she comes off as perfect.

Monique waves at me without peeling her eyes away from her screen, but she flashes a dazzling smile that was directed towards me. I have only been here for less than twenty-four hours and I can already tell how the three of them balance each other out. While I did see their party sides and only a brief glance yesterday when Vanity and Monique were working, I finally saw them in their normal state of mind. Monique is laidback, sweet and quiet with her adrenaline side popping out in places I wouldn't imagine her to have them in.

Vanity is outspoken, prior to us entering into the club she ended up getting into a heated argument with the delivery guy about how rude it was to toss the bag of food into her arms, the two going back and forth until Eliana came, thus making her the mother of the three: she gives off that comforting side, nurturing and making sure they have everything in order for work.

In the back of my head, it becomes foggy as I backtrack on what the day was. I remember that I start my internship tomorrow, but for some reason a dreadful feeling falls overtop of me as I feel like I am forgetting something, but what it is? I don't remember. At least not until my phone lets out a small little ding for a reminder that I set, letting me know of just what I was forgetting. "Shit!" I jump up with my chair scooting backwards, eyes widen as I cover my hand with my mouth.

All three of the girls in different parts of the room stand up, eyes wide in curiosity before Vanity motions with her hand to tell me what is up. "I completely forgot I meet with the admissions office for my new job at nine. You have to like.. Go through all these protocols just to start tomorrow."

Vanity raises an eyebrow. "So, even though you got it, you could still lose your place?"

I nod. Pushing my chair back in as Eliana takes my plate and places it in the sink before moving with me to my room, the others following. "Well, tell us what you need help with and we will do it." I give them a silent thank you, my hand over my chest as I start to spit out everything I need. My portfolio, a good outfit to impress them in, all my paperwork and to make sure my phone is charged.

The building is thirty minutes away from the apartment, giving me a small amount of time to make myself look presentable, but with the help of the others I manage to have all my stuff together and in my hands as I walk out the door at approximately eight on the dot. I was excited but extremely nervous. This meeting would make or break my future plans, if I didn't succeed at this step I would end up back home with my parents and regret not putting myself out there. I have no backup plan, this was my only plan.

My stomach was in knots as I sat in the cab Vanity called for me, I used the time to shoot off a string of texts to Sydni and Tiana, letting them know what I almost fucked up, they laughed and cheered me on. Promising we will video chat when my life stops being hectic and fill them in.

I had been dreaming of this job since I was a kid, the dream of having my designs on the runaway and walking by the most famous models was a dream of mine. I had to keep my head clear and avoid any distractions.

"Miss..." The cab driver's voice cut off my erratic thoughts.

Snapping me out of my trance, I looked out the window before tipping him with a smile and left, double checking I had all the items before the car drove away and I was left to stare up at the giant building. My head tilted back, window panes littered all around the building with people running in and out. Different lives, different personalities, but we all had one thing in common: we wanted a shot here.

No one has seen my portfolio, only my sister and brother, which, they say, is great. But in my head I think they are only saying that because I'm their blood.

I needed someone who didn't know me or cared how I looked to look at my photos, but then again I was too scared to and that's exactly what will be happening in less than twenty minutes. My work will be judged by the admissions board who don't care about me or how I look, so for once I'll know if I am cut out of this industry or just another hopeful girl with a big dream.

I slipped my phone out, gazing over the news channel for celebrities when my eyes caught sight of the band I saw last night. I halt for a split second and then continue forward, thumb hovering over the article as I read.

"Hobie Brown has the WORST influence on today's society, his lack of care for the world and his vocal opinion on the fascists, politicians and economic dislike shown in his songs."

"Why does the lead singer of the band, Spider-Punk, get so much wanted attention when he is quite frankly the worst..."

I pocket my phone, refusing to hear anything else.

I refuse to let my wander of the night I had last night, the feeling of letting go, getting intoxicated that I forgot my left from my right, my ups and down. I especially tried to forget Hobie. Even though the night was less than a day ago, I wanted Hobie brown out of my mind. The few articles I saw made me realize that he was trouble, he was caught by police putting graffiti on the walls, outrunning the police, trashing stores and ripping down posters for campaigns; he was a hero to many, but a nuisance to others-- but it really seems he's got an angel roaming around him at all times to get him out of these situations.

I walked the rest of the way in peace, realizing I had nothing to be stressed about the rest of the way up the stairs. The appointment was nearing and from what I learned from the email, I would be getting a personal tour prior in case I got the job and started the next day. Immediately when I stumbled through the large glass, I came face to face with a woman sitting behind a giant oak desk. Her stare was intimidating, but fairly welcoming in a sense. Her hair was wrapped in a tight bun, glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose.

"Um..." I straighten out my skirt while readjusting my large portfolio under my arm, eyes shooting around her desk before landing on the name tag.

Linda Brewer.

"Hi, Linda." I clear my throat, trying to sound as chirpy as ever.

"It's Mrs. Brewer." She immediately corrects.

"Right...Sorry." I was quick to apologize, taking a small step forward so I was closer at the desk. "I'm here for an appointment with th—"

"The administration board?" She finished my sentence before pointing to a set of doors to the left, a certain type of authority lingered on her tongue before I gave her a forced smile. "That way."

I peered at the large doors, moving to grip the handle before I was stopped by a loud scream at the top of the stairs before steps were heard running down them. I turned my head at the same moment a pink-haired girl around my age ran down the steps to meet me halfway before excitedly taking my hands into her own, somehow managing to make sure I didn't drop my portfolio on the floor.

"It is so amazing to have another girl around my age here, a lot of people here are so old." Her accent was a thick, New Jersey accent, multiple piercings around her ears, nose and lips. She wore Girlfairy indie pants that were high waisted, a little friedhelm leather pouch bag with a Y2K short sleeve shirt. Around her shoulders, she had a pattern cropped lace cardigan see-through top. She was gorgeous, something out of a magazine and her energy bounced off her and ran through my veins into me. "Oh! Sorry, My name is Deja! I know you have the appointment in ten minutes, but don't worry. You have to have a tour prior so if you get the internship and pass, you can find your way around easily." She took the portfolio out of my hands, placing it behind the desk with a warning glare to the woman who sat behind the desk before she turned back.

I timidly walk towards the large doors, swallowing the growing lump in my throat and rubbing the sweat of my palms on my pants. "Behind these doors isn't as scary as Linda made it out to be. This..." She pushed open the doors to reveal a large warehouse with many occupants running back and forth between different models and canvas. "Is where the action happens! Here we keep a lot of old designs, new designs. The interns will assist in a lot of other places alongside the fashion designers to make sure they are up to date." Deja did a little jump, turning her body around so she was a proper tour guide as she pointed to various things as my head followed.

"You will most likely be my intern, I saw your work when we did an intense background check on you and I have to say, your work is probably way better than all of the other interns we have." I dodged many clothes being tossed in the air across the room, ducking when shoes were flying and taking a jump back rolling canvas sliding across the floor. "You get used to the chaos."

Before I have time to register anything else, we walk into a quieter area of the warehouse before she presents me to another set of oak doors as we enter inside. The room was vibrant in colors, whiteboards had designs written on them and fabric laid on the large table that spread from one wall to the next. "This is where we come to present ideas to the director, we usually spend hours in here prior to any shows or any events we have coming up."

I nod my head, taking in all her information that she told me before I let out a breathy laugh. "This is all so...Overwhelming." I admit with honesty, my hands gripping at my skirt before sighing with a soft sigh. "If I get the internship, what happens next... Is there something coming up?"

Deja taps her chin as she smoothes out her shirt with her free hand before a small 'oh yeah.' leaves her lips. "I shouldn't be saying this, but since you are going to be under me and the competition has a price for both people, I'll tell you." She directed me towards another place in the building, this time a smaller door that had manqueines lined around the room that we were staring at through the large, glass window. "There is this competition that we do every year for new interns. We test their eye when it comes to fashion, we put things out of order, ugly colors together. We do everything really that makes the interns stressed." I grimace, the ordeal sounding like a hazing situation more than a normal competition.

Deja leaned against the window ledge as best as she could, both of us staring into the room. "If you win, you get your whole set on the runway. The director calls in celebrities to come and try on your clothes, go to fashion events, get a v.i.p status. The whole nine yards." Deja let out a dreamy sigh, a little laugh escaping my life but the idea had me perked up at the idea. To think my designs could one day really be on the body of my favorite models, singers, actors was overwhelming.

"Have you ever won?" I questioned, moving back out the doors to the rowdy warehouse as she nodded.

"Twice, I am trying to go for a three year streak." Suddenly the overwhelming feeling turned into pressure. "Like I said, you have a good eye." We finally ended at the door that read the director and with one good luck and one fist bump later, I was now standing in the room of the one and only Karl Lagerfeld.

// I don't not know much about the fashion industry 😭 this is just me guessing,, but i do have some idea on what interns do. also,, i picked karl lagerfeld because of the brands he works with. everything after this will all be made up and fictional with what my story will hold.

// as always dont be a silent reader,, i did not proof read this 🫶🏽