L O R E N Z O

I didn't know how I was going to survive tomorrow without losing my crumbling resolve. Perhaps the finality of Tori and Alessandro's death hadn't sunk in because the moment I thought about their funerals tomorrow, my headache worsened in protest. I'd always been meticulous about taking care of my health in moments of absolute wretchedness, but somehow I couldn't find it in me to stick to my routine. Hell, I'd even drunk more alcohol in the last two days than I did in the whole week.

And I couldn't bring myself to care as I poured myself a generous amount of scotch and leaned back in my chair, tired from the day's events. Swirling the amber liquid, I watched it cling to the walls, eventually joining the large mass at the bottom. Finally, I brought it to my lips and took a long sip, not bothering to savor the taste, yet loving the burn in my throat nonetheless. The pack of cigarettes I'd left here yesterday caught my eye, and I placed the glass on the table with a small thud, reaching for a cigarette and lighter. Holding it between my lips, I lit up its end, and took a long drag, inhaling the smoke, then exhaling it, watching the greys of the smoke mingle with the darkness inside the room.

If I'd thought it'd help bring me some quietude, I was proven terribly wrong soon after because the turmoil in my head has only gotten more clamorous, only worsening my headache.

I'd left the room once Andrea had fallen asleep after taking the sedative, and for the last few hours, I'd been in the study, trying to outrun the ruckus inside my head. Realizing, neither alcohol nor cigarette wouldn't help me, I got up and made my way to the kitchen to get myself some coffee so I could get some work done.

I'd just gotten the coffee started when Ma cleared her throat behind me, and I turned around only to be met with her grief-striken face as she sat across the counter with water in her hands.

"Sorry, Ma. Didn't see you."

She moved her hand in the air, gesturing that it was alright before forcing a smile on her face, "I made myself scarce, don't worry about it."

I turned around to pick my mug, and joined Ma on the counter sitting across from her.

I'd just finished taking a sip and placed the cup back down on the counter with a soft thud when she asked, "How's Andrea? I haven't seen her much. Is she taking care of herself."

My chest tightened at the mere mention of my wife, and the fragile state she was in. "She's coping..." I sighed, stopping to consider my next words, "I think she blames me for what happened, and she wouldn't necessarily be wrong. I should have seen it coming. I–"

"You're not God, Renzo." Ma chastised, the frown on her face deepening before she reached for my hand and squeezed it reassuringly, "Is that what's been weighing on your mind?"

I ran a hand through my hair, unsure if I should voice out what'd been suffocating me for days, making it a task for me to get another breath in my lungs, "I'm not... but, Ma, it was my duty to keep everyone safe, and I fail–"

"Renzo, no." Ma got up from her seat across from me and wrapped her arms around my shoulder before kissing my hair comfortingly. "It wasn't your fault. No one could have seen it coming, and you, my darling son, are allowed to mourn as well." She finished sniffling as she took a seat beside me.

"And stop drinking too much." She chastised, "And have you been smoking?!" Her voice rose a little in scandal, and I found a small smile streching on my lips at the scolding I'd never been on the recieving end of. "I do not want to hunt down hidden stashes of cigarettes for you too. Roberto is enough for that."

I chuckled at the mention of Roberto and how he'd been keeping Ma on her toes ever since the rest of us moved out. Ma laughed with me, her eyes still glassy with tears.

"I hope I'm not interupting you two," Dad teased as he entered the kitchen, his eyes moving between Ma and me.

"No, no." Ma's lips streched into a real smile as her face lit up seeing Dad, and she leaned into him and he stood behind her, embracing her from behind. "Come join us," Ma squeezed his hand on her shoulder, looking up at him.

"Let me get some water first." Dad poured himself a glass of water before sitting down beside Ma before asking her something lowly, and I took that as my cue to sip my coffee. "So what are we talking about here?"

I turned to look at them just as Ma answered, "Oh, you know, on Renzo's new found foundness for nicotine."

I scoffed, biting my tongue as I narrowed my eyes at Ma. I'd had one smoke and she was making a fuss like I'd been a chainsmoker who'd been smoking packs of cigarettes. Granted, I was an occasional smoker, but Ma didn't need to know.

"Well it's about time," Dad winked at me, and I stifled a laugh.

"Leonardo!" Ma slapped his arm in mock anger and we burst out laughing, seemingly forgetting the pain that had been dragging us down the last few days, and probably will continue to burn us periodically in the future as well.

Ma and Dad bantered a little, letting me throw in my quips here and there as I finished my coffee. Dad had eyed my mug suspiciously, but hadn't meddled. Yet. Knowing him, he'd find some time Ma wasn't around to try and probe my head. And I wasn't exactly opposed to the idea because his involvement could also help me in expediting this entire process of finding Carlo.

We'd moved on from teasing each other to Alessandro' and Tori's stories, remembering them to perhaps lessen the weight of their absence, relying on the memories we'd made to be our compass through this storm. My gaze fell on the lit up screen of my phone and surprised by the time, I realized I should go check on Andrea.

Ma and Dad were still laughing about the time Alessandro had written up a document where he'd asked for Roberto to be returned since he was not a "good baby" because all he did was sleep.

"I'm gonna go check on Andrea. You guys continue." I pointed at them and got up, kissed Ma's forehead and Dad squeezed my shoulder before I left my mug in the sink and went back upstairs, feeling a little bit of my energy return.

I stopped in front of the door to our room, before exhaling and opening it slowly, hoping that she'd still be sleeping, resting up because the morning was going to be hardest on all of us.

I didn't even realize when I'd started seeing things as ours, mine and Andrea's, but I had, and I no longer had the energy to fight it. I'd tried, fuck, I'd fought, but this was a battle I was meant to lose. Andrea was the ocean right before it drowned you, you felt it, you breathed it, and you drank it all in because there was no other way around it.

All blue, all-consuming, and fucking inevitable.

I entered the dimly-lit bedroom and closed the door behind me with the back of my foot. One of the bedside lamps was turned on, and it left a soft glow in the room as the light danced with the shadows, embracing the dark, holding onto it, all while illuminating the tiny space around it. I was relieved to find her still asleep on the bed, and I jumped in for a quick shower, dressing up for the day before sitting down on the bed with my feet hanging off it.

Andrea was leaning towards my pillow, her palm rested flat on my side of the bed, and I took her hand in mine, intertwining our fingers as my hand brushed her hair of their own accord, caressing her, hoping that my touch would become a lullaby and she could get some more sleep because it appeared that our demons hadn't followed her in her sleep. Even in her sleep, she had the power to transfix my gaze on her, and I couldn't even look away.

Sometimes she'd feel ethereal, like she didn't belong here with the likes of me, and all I was doing was tainting her, but for the life of me the thought of letting her go had my insides turning, and blood running cold.

Andrea stirred in her sleep before she fluttered her eyes open, her molten chocolate gaze holding mine captive. It felt like the reality hadn't washed on her yet, and tonguetied I kept looking at her like an idiot.

Willing myself to spring one coherent sentence together, I opened my mouth, "How are you feeling?"

It wasn't lost on me that I was nervous around her when before today I'd simply said the first thing that came to mind. Unlike what she believes, I'd never weighed my words when talking to her, and perhaps that was why I'd spewed so much bullshit before I'd figured out the truth about Carlo.

Andrea blinked a few times in confusion, and for a second I didn't think she'd heard me at all. Except then she sat up against the headboard, staring straight ahead, her hand in mine just as stationary as it was when she was asleep.

"I'm exhausted, Lorenzo." She turned towards me, unshed tears shining in her bloodshot eyes, "I don't think I can do this."

At a loss of words, I used the grip I had on her hand to pull her into me until he head was resting on my shoulder. I caressed her head silently, offering comfort in the only way I knew how to. After a few seconds, Andrea's free arm wrapped around me and she held my shirt in her fist, her other hand finally squeezing my fingers, finally hugging me back. It was only then that my thoughts rested for a minute and against my better judgement, I hoped, perhaps we sucecssfuly get done with today.

*

I'd been to countless funerals in my life, but none tore at my soul like this one did. Death wasn't a vague concept in my life, it was a reality I gambled with every day ever since I was born. I now knew why Ma cried when Dad finally told me why I had my first scar, but surprisingly I had no memories of the torture I endured as a toddler, only the battle scars that reminded me I'd been affiliated with pain long before I'd understood emotions. Andrea hadn't been able to stop her tears from flowing, each tear that she shed gripped my heart like a vice, punishingly, reminding me that I'd failed.

I failed my daughter and brother. I failed Tori and Alessandro.

Perhaps it was a total eclipse of rationality, but despite what Ma had said I couldn't shake the feeling that it was my responsibility to ensure their safety. I fell, and like a domino they did too, except I would rather it was me that had died instead of Tori and Alessandro.

Andrea didn't leave my side throughout the course of the evening, clutching onto my jacket like it was her only salvation, and I'd made sure to hold her steady when her legs damn near gave up during the burial. Alex has been on her other side, holding onto her arm as Creed stood beside her with a solemn look on his face. In the chaos of the situation at hand, I hadn't gotten around to looking into Creed. Granted, he hadn't acted out of place once, but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to this engagement that Alex had announced. And my intuition was fueling my skepticism regarding his motives, and perhaps it was about time I had a meeting with him, and Alex. Alex had returned the day before yesterday but I hadn't yet managed to get details from her about her time in Chicago. However, that was a worry for another time. I'd deal with it once I flew back to NYC tomorrow.

I was standing with Ma, Dad and Alessio when Andrea left my side and wandered off in the empty gardens. My eyes followed her while I tried to keep my attention at the conversation, but I was soon pulled in when Ma called for me,

"Renzo?"

"Yeah, you were saying?"

"It's about Roberto. He wants to be inducted." Ma finished, her voice breaking. Her disapproval was written all over her face, but she knew it was our legacy and if he truly wanted to join, noone would stop him, although his motives to be lured towards this madness were questionable. "You all know why I can't–" Ma sniffled, "He's too young!"

I looked at Dad, not surprised to find him already looking at me and Alessio and we sighed collectively. It was no secret why Roberto wanted to join. It was also true that he wouldn't find redemption in the very thing that had been responsible for his ruination. "I'll talk to him, Ma. But if he has really made up his mind, don't worry I'll send him for training, away from this clusterfuck for a bit."

Ma was so exhausted that she didn't even admonish my use of foul language like usual. It was like the little cloud of happiness we'd manage to create last night had burst and there was only rain and storm everywhere the eye could see.

"Where is he anyway?" Alessio asked and Dad shrugged, pointing towards the woods at the back of the property, and a low curse escaped my lips. "I'll go get him." Alessio mumbled and strode after where Roberto might be.

I also took that chance to excuse myself and went in search of Andrea in the otherwise empty garden. The lively greens were no longer rejuvenating, they were the epitome of the haunted symphony always on a loop inside my head; a perfect reminder of all the things lost that couldn't be recovered. I couldn't help but think about Andrea and her tumultuous emotional state at the moment. It seemed that she had burned through denial and anger, but depression seemed to have sunk in the marrow of her bones like an unrepentent ghost, casting a perpetual spell of sadness over her very being. The smouldering fire inside me blazed at the mere idea of  not having her with me, my thoughts going wild with all the possibilities. She shouldn't be alone, not when she was grieving, and vulnerable.

It wasn't lost on me that I'd be leaving her alone tonight, but the board was set, the plan in motion, now all I had to do was ensure Andrea was okay, then I'd leave to wreak havoc on these bastards, starting with Murphy for shattering all the things that weren't his to shatter.

I wandered around the empty gardens, ignoring the chirping of the birds, the roses rustling with the wind, their scent embracing me with the wind, but it wasn't the warmth I craved. I took a few more steps and it was when the wind carried more than the nauseating happiness of nature, it carried the desolate sobs of my wife, almost freezing me on my spot.

Andrea sat on the small bench in the large garden, her hands covered her face as her shoulders shook with the impact of her sobs. The sight undid me, it made me feel things I never wanted to feel again, I'd never wanted to see tears on her face, and here she was crying rivers of them, and I was helpless just like I'd been since it all happened.

Finally, removing myself from the shadows, I sat on one knee in front of the bench, and placed my hand on her knee, my touch made her look up, her eyes swollen, and face red. Every last emotion in her burning gaze echoed in my soul, every last question of hers took me to the brink of insanity, yet I managed to keep my mask up for both of our sake. We stayed like that for a few minutes, just staring, listening to the sound of silence as I took her hand in mine and brushed my lips against her skin, reassuring myself that she was here, reminding myself that her and Rick were what I was fighting for.

"Lorenzo..." Her voice cracked, more tears pooled in her eyes, and she blinked, allowing the thick droplets to cascade down her beautiful face. She leaned down just as I stretched my neck, touching my forehead with hers as I breathed in her scent, breathing in as she breathed out. It was Andrea who broke the silence again, "I can't do this... She's never coming back. Any time I think I've run out of tears more just keeping with a vengeance. I can't–" Her voice was raspy, barely above a whisper, but I heard her.

"Mia cara–"

"No.... Let me," she exhaled, closing her eyes as her features morphed in pain before she relaxed, and opened her eyes again, their intensity brought another truth to the surface, a truth I wasn't ready to accept. "I can't even... I think I–" her voice broke, and she sniffled before continuing, "It all feels pointless, you'll always want revenge, and it's an endless cycle. What if you're next? What if–"

"Never," The word left my mouth before I'd even had the chance to process anything she was saying, "Look at me, Andrea." She looked away staring at something behind me, but I needed her to know this. "Mia cara,"

Her gaze was forlorn, distant and she wasn't looking at me at all. "Andrea please look at me."

She finally looked at me, and her gaze was that of a stranger's. I swallowed, "It's not all pointless. There's people who love you, and need you. And I'm not going anywhere."

"You can't even promise me that," Andrea wiped across her face harshly and more tears pooled out of her eyes in protest, her face already red and blotchy, "You're.. the one–" hiccup "--said that you can't promise that."

"Well I'm promising now." Straightening, I stood up, and sat beside Andrea on the bench, she sniffled, burying her head in my chest just as I continued, "I'll always come back to you, mia cara."

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer. Although I didn't understand how she could seek comfort from a man like me, I wouldn't bring it to her attention because a part of me knew that I needed her warmth around me too if only to remind myself of all that I'd never wanted to lose. Tightening my grip on her, I pressed my lips against the crown of her head just as she looked up at me, her eyes teary, face telling tales of melancholy no one could decipher.

"Let's go back," I whispered against her head, and she nodded, standing up as I followed her. She took my hand in hers, interlacing her fingers with mine, and it was like I was always meant to hold her hand, even when I'd been busy trying to hate her for unarming me.

I didn't know how she'd react when I'd tell her I was leaving tonight for a few days. Maybe it wasn't the best time, but I had to at least get my hands around Carlo. I couldn't bear the idea of him being alive. Not after everything he'd done, and taken from me. I could just wish Andrea would understand.

We joined the others in front of the cars, Leon patted my shoulder as he got into the car followed by Alessio, Alex, and Roberto. Leon came here with Aksel this time, knowing that his trip would be a long one, and the kid couldn't be without him for so long, considering he was the only parent he'd known.

I led Andrea to my car, knowing that she didn't want to be around anyone, and quite frankly I didn't blame her. However, I was worried for her, she had moments where grief overflowed from her very being but then she could become a fortress with no sign of life, and it was her silence and detachment that had the hair at the back of my neck rising.

*

Andrea had been in Rick's room ever since we'd came back, and she hadn't come out for a second. I'd gotten roped into discussing the next imemdiate plans with Dad and the guys before leaving later tonight, and was only getting free now. I went to Rick's room first, not surprised to find Andrea sitting beside his crib, eyeing him with longing.

"Hi," I whispered, and after a few seconds Andrea looked over her shoulder at me, still sitting where she was. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Andrea nodded and got up. She stumbled on her feet and I imemdietly found myself reaching for her to steady her. She wrapped her arms around her protectively, eyeing me from under her eyelashes. I couldn't tell what was on her mind and the lack of knowledge nearly undid me and I almost cancelled everything then and there. However, as much as I wanted to stay with her, I couldn't forget that I also had an obligation to my family, and Alessio would go off the rails without me there. I ran a hand through my hair, mentally preparing myself for her to put up a fight.

"I've to leave for New York for business. I'll be back in a few days," Andrea continued to look at me quietly, and I continued, utterly perplexed by her lack of curiosity and fight, "I'll be leaving with Alessio and Luca. Everyone else is here, and I'll be back soon okay?"

Andrea nodded, and I closed the gap between us to brush my lips against her forehead. "Please take care of yourself, mia cara."

Her stillness had disarmed me and as I turned around to walk out, I couldn't help but wish that she'd said something, argued with me, heck even accused me, but she remained in the fort of her mind, utterly silent and detached. And she didn't stop me, not even when the door closed behind me with a soft thud, and I found myself wishing that she had. If only she'd just give me something.

Perhaps giving her some space would be best for the both of us.

***

I wish I could say the pain was ending soon but well ;P but I will definately admit that these are some of the most hardest chapters to get right but I can't wait to get to my favourite parts in Lorenzo and Andrea's story.

Sooo what do you think? thoughts? theories?

Thank you so much for reading, don't forget to vote, and comment!

thesleepydreams has the most amazing writing style I have ever read! It is so poetic and well delivered that I'm always wanting more with her books! All those descriptions and amazing plot ideas are so well delivered, I can't emphasise it enough! Plus she's really sweet and amazing, and I absolutely adore her, and her work!

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