CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX !

[ real life ]

- ❝ ONLY EVER BEEN YOURS TO BREAK ❞ 💌

ʳᵉᵃˡ ˡⁱᶠᵉ !

the drive to the beach is only about fifteen minutes, so the group don't mind being split up for a bit. in kali's car, there's her, luna, nick, and skye, and the rest of them are in matt's car. astoria sits behind matt, with mal in the middle and dante on the right, and chris in the passenger seat. she claimed aux as soon as she got in the minivan, deciding that this car journey will consist of as many chase atlantic songs as possible. she's hopeful she'll at least get 5 songs in, despite the journey being short.

"oh fuck, i'm almost out of gas," matt says, quickly turning his head to the backseats as he speaks. "we're gonna have to stop."

dante just shrugs, nodding. chris takes one last sip of his pepsi and puts the empty can back down in the cup holder. "i'm gonna grab more pepsi while you're getting gas," he tells matt, who rolls his eyes.

"really?" he questions. "that was already your fourth one today."

"and?" chris says. "it's not like i have a dentist appointment anytime soon, so i'm good."

matt just sighs, not bothering to answer as he pulls into the gas station. astoria pauses the music as he opens the door and steps out. there's the sound of someone's stomach rumbling, and the four of them still in the car all look at each other weirdly, mal failing to hold in her laughter and chuckling under her breath. "who was that?" she asks.

"definitely not me," dante says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. chris nods his head in agreement. "it wasn't me either," he says, and all eyes suddenly turn to astoria, who shrugs.

"it was me then, i guess," she admits, although she hadn't even realized her stomach had been rumbling because she'd been too busy screaming the lyrics to 'meddle about' with mal, more focused on dante literally looking like he wants to die than her now suddenly overwhelming hunger. "i'm actually starving," she says. "i didn't even realize."

"you can go with chris to get snacks then," mal decides. "i don't think we bought enough for all of us, anyway."

"no, it's fine, i can just wait until we get there," astoria says, shaking her head, but she stops as she catches chris' eye, noticing the frown present on his face. his dejected look almost makes her frown, but instead she just gives him a disgusted look. though much to her surprise, he doesn't scoff or roll his eyes like she expects, instead his eyes hold a sense of concern that she's never seen before.

chris has been acting weird recently. she's been acting weird recently, and it's slowly driving her fucking insane. it's been like this since the other day, when she saw him talking to harper. there's not been any sort of explanation about it from either of them. on top of that, there's also the fact that they still hate each other. that's always going to be the case, but now it's a different sort of hatred. previously, it had been hatred out of hurt, anger, spite, jealousy even, but now it's just...comfortable. it's normal, it's convenient, and astoria is perfectly happy for it to stay like that.

which is why the stupid looks he's giving her combined with the bullshit phrases like 'no you don't' every time she tells him she hates him are not only confusing her but also driving her crazy. he's suddenly acting like he can read her like a book and see through her every lie.

the worst part about it though, is that he can. it's like all those years of hatred have made him know her better than she knows herself, despite the lack of friendship between them.

astoria rolls her eyes, crossing her arms. "i'll wait. i'm not even that hungry."

"you just said you were starving," dante deadpans, narrowing his eyes at her.

"i was exaggerating," she lies.

"come on, rory, just admit you're hungry and come with me to get snacks," chris says impatiently. "i'll buy them for you if you hurry the fuck up."

"see!" mal says happily. "problem solved!"

astoria sighs, knowing she can't get out of this and reluctantly follows chris as they both step out of the car and walk towards the gas station. they don't speak, but she can feel his eyes on her as they walk side by side. she immediately breaks away from him, heading straight for the snack isle while chris goes over to where the drinks are, taking the last three pepsi cans from inside the refrigerator.

she refuses to look at him, pretending the bags of chips are the most interesting thing she's ever seen as he makes his way over to her. she sees his beat up air forces appear in her eye view next to her own slightly dirty sneakers, and ignores the way her heart beats a little harder in her chest as she studies the snacks for a little longer.

"are you not getting twizzlers?" chris asks, and it takes all of her might not to let out a frustrated sigh. annoyingly, he's right, as always. twizzlers are her favorites, always have been. they're always the thing she buys at gas stations every time they go.

"yup," she says through gritted teeth, knowing how it instantly gives him satisfaction knowing he's right. he lets out a pleased huff of air and walks away from her, grabbing the twizzlers from the isle across and handing them to her.

"here," he says, handing them to her and fishing out a few dollar bills from his pocket. he studies her for a moment, cocking an eyebrow in confusion as she doesn't make a move to do the same. "why aren't you getting your money out?" he asks.

"you said you were paying," astoria replies skeptically. chris just shrugs.

"i lied," he says, before his lips begin to curve up a little. he folds his arms over his chest, glancing briefly at the bag of twizzlers in her hands and then back at her. "did you really think i was gonna pay for you?"

astoria presses her lips together, refusing to answer the boy as he lets out a laugh and shakes his head, walking away from her to pay. she sighs, but follows, standing behind him as he politely pays the cashier and walks away, completely ignoring her as he exits the gas station. astoria just pays for her twizzlers and leaves. she's not paying attention and trips on the edge of the sidewalk, stumbling forward and dropping her twizzlers. chris spins around from where he's standing and rushes forward, grabbing her arms and preventing her from hitting the ground.

out of instinct, she pushes him off, taking a step back and bending down to get her twizzlers. he chuckles, walking back over to his discarded pepsis and picking them up. holding two in each hand, he gives her a small, wry smile. "are you not gonna thank me?"

"no," she immediately retorts. he laughs quietly again, and without speaking the two of them walk back over to the car.

or, they would walk over to the car, if the car was still there. astoria glances around, seeing if matt has moved the car somewhere else to allow more space for other cars, but it's disappeared entirely.

chris' mouth drops open, and he turns to astoria with a worried look on his face. "where's the car?"

"up my ass," astoria replies sarcastically, earning her a glare from him. "i don't know where the car is, chris."

he exhales heavily, looking distraught as he gazes around, before his eyes ultimately fall back on her. "you don't happen to have your phone, do you?" he asks. she winces and shakes her head.

"i left it in the minivan," she says, and he nods.

"me too. fuck."

astoria furrows her eyebrows, ripping open the bag and biting into a twizzler. "there's no way they just left us. like, there is literally just no way."

he doesn't say anything, just walks forward and takes a seat on the edge of the sidewalk. he puts all but one of his pepsis down, cracking open the can and taking a long sip. left with no other option, astoria joins him, placing the bag of twizzlers down in between them to create a bit of distance without it looking awkward. chris puts his can down next to him and the two of them both sigh in unison, instantly looking up and making eye contact right after.

"looks like we're stranded," chris shrugs, and astoria groans. it's freezing outside, and while she is appropriately dressed for once, she's still not in the mood to wait out in the cold for god knows how long until their friends realize they're missing two people in the group. if they planned this, she's actually going to kill them. why would they even do something like that?

chris continues drinking his pepsi, and astoria eats her twizzlers, disappointed because they don't seem to be doing much for her hunger. they just sit there, ignoring each other in silence. the situation is somewhat familiar, reminding astoria of times when her and chris have fought so badly that they've refused to speak to one another, even though so much has been left unsaid in their arguments.

now though, there's nothing unsaid because nothing has even been said between the two of them in the first place. that's how it is with them now, no more insults that are actually old inside jokes, no more fighting about shit that doesn't even matter just to gain the attention of the other. it's just quiet. and there's nothing more astoria hates than the quiet, so she turns to him and decides that there's nothing wrong with starting a civil conversation.

"do you want to play rock paper scissors?" she asks, instantly cursing herself for rock paper scissors, of all things, being the only thing she could think to say. chris side-eyes her, raising an eyebrow as he turns to face her as well.

he puts down his empty pepsi can between them, building the wall that's separating them even further. "why the fuck would i want to play rock paper scissors?"

astoria resists the urge to roll her eyes. she should've known this was the reaction she'd get out of him. yeah, he's been different recently, but he's still the same chris that hates her. she tucks her hair behind her ears, noticing how chris' eyes follow her hand as she does so. "i don't know, i'm bored?" she answers. "what about i spy?"

"i spy? are you joking?" he says in disbelief, but when he realizes that she's actually being serious, he reluctantly nods his head. "okay, fine."

"great! i'll start," she says with fake enthusiasm. "i spy with my little eye, something beginning with...a miserable cunt."

chris gives her an unimpressed look, not even bothering to play along. "you're so funny astoria, i'm literally pissing myself," he says sarcastically, and she rolls her eyes. it's his turn, so he looks around for a moment before smiling to himself, then clearing his throat. "i spy with my little eye, something beginning with an annoying bitch."

not at all shocked by his words, astoria just looks at him. she tilts her head to the side. "why are you saying that like it's a bad thing?" she asks, earning a confused look from him. "i thought you like annoying bitches, you know, after you literally dated harper cameron and everything."

she says the words with a smug grin, but any sign of annoyance or possible amusement has completely drained from his face. his eyes are slightly glazed over, unfocused, and it gives astoria a weird feeling in the pits of her stomach. he's clearly not crying, but there's something in his face that tells her the conversation has shifted from insulting banter to something deeper, something more serious.

chris runs his fingers through his hair, turning away from her and looking out to where the sun is beginning to set. astoria watches as the individual strands of his brown hair begin to fall back down over his forehead, reframing his sharp features. the sun is dropping slowly behind the horizon, illuminating his blue eyes, which are cold like the ocean during winter. in this moment, she can't help but think that he looks like a painting, with those angelic eyes of his that shine bright no matter where he looks. she hates herself for thinking it, but she can't get the idea out of her head.

he sighs loudly and turns back to her, the sunlight now cast across the right side of his face. "is that what this is about?" he asks finally. "that i was talking to harper the other day?"

astoria sighs, knowing she's been caught out. she narrows her eyes at him suspiciously. "so, what was that all about?" she asks, not wanting to come across as accusatory, but she's genuinely just curious. she's getting deja vu to after mal's party, when they also sat on the edge of the sidewalk and talked about his relationship with the girl.

"she asked me to get back together," chris replies, a hint of an amused smile on his face. astoria doesn't say anything, just nods at him slowly. her heart is racing, wondering what he possibly could've said. chris takes a deep breath and looks at the ground, letting out a short, breathy laugh. "i practically laughed in her face," he tells her. "i don't even know why i dated her in the first place."

"c'mon," astoria presses. "you liked her. isn't that reason enough?"

chris laughs again, shaking his head.

"it all started after the whole thing with me punching dante and whatever, and it made me realize that i really needed to get a fucking life. my whole life revolves around you and our whole...hate thing, and it was starting to get pathetic. for me, at least."

astoria laughs shortly, covering it up with a shocked-sounding cough as she stares blankly at chris. his eyes widen and she crosses her arms, giving him a knowing look. "chris, be serious."

"i am!" he replies, then pauses. he chews on his bottom lip, and astoria doesn't fail to notice how he's struggling to hold eye contact with her. he sighs, shaking his head, struggling to believe what he's about to say out loud for the first time in his life. their eyes finally meet and chris' smile falters a little. "i liked harper because she wasn't you," he admits.

astoria pauses, looking at him contemplatively. his words have got her nervous to speak, so she doesn't dare say anything at all. she can feel so many hidden things rising to the surface, threatening to spill over at any moment, but there's something in chris' eyes that are telling her to hold off, to let him finish before she begins talking about feelings of her own.

so, all she says is, "i don't understand."

his breath hitches, and he looks away with a pained expression, like it's going to physically hurt him if he has to elaborate. but she stays silent, hoping he trusts her enough, if at all, to say something, anything at all.

but he doesn't, instead he just shifts closer to her. the empty pepsi can and pack of twizzlers still lie in between them, but astoria can feel the invisible wall holding the two back slowly crumbling down, along with the guard she's had up around him since sixth grade. she's aware that her mask is falling, yet she doesn't stop it.

chris fidgets with the end of his zipper, still not looking at her. "you and harper are opposites," he says, his voice a tad shaky. "and so i thought liking her would somehow erase everything i felt for you-"

"chris, what?" astoria cuts in, shaking her head doubtfully. "you're not saying-" deep down, she knows there's something there, after their kiss at kali's, the lego flowers, the exchanged glances the other day. she just can't admit it to herself, unless he admits it first.

"how else do i have to put it to you, astoria?" he asks, dropping the zipper and turning to her. his cold eyes pierce into hers, uncovering all of her emotions at once just with that look. "the dante thing, it wasn't just because i thought he kissed you without your consent. it was because it drove me fucking insane knowing you were with someone who wasn't me."

she stares at him, and he stares right back, any shakiness in his voice now completely gone. his tone is completely serious, yet his body language is telling her he's feeling nervous and vulnerable because he's saying this to her. she hasn't seen him move at all, but she swears he's closer to her now than before. their knees are only a couple inches apart, but it's not just that. he feels closer, mentally? she's got no idea what it means, all she knows is that it's comforting. she feels less cold with him next to her. he radiates a kind sort of warmth that she doesn't want to ever get away from.

chris doesn't want for her to respond to his words before speaking again, "and even though i didn't want to, i've always liked myself best whenever i'm with you. besides me being a dickhead to you, that is." he laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck and giving her an anxious smile. astoria can't tear her eyes off of him as she takes a deep breath.

"you've done a lot of shitty things to me over the years, chris," she says, her heart cracking in her chest as she watches his face fall, a wave of sadness taking over his expression. "but...making me like you is by far the worst."

with that, his smile returns, his mouth curving up into a pleased grin. she now notices him move forward, closer to her. they continue looking at each other, his hand slowly drifting towards hers. his whole body is moving closer to her, actually, and astoria can feel her cheeks heat up. much to her dismay, there's nothing she wants more than to be close to him right now, but there's still one thing holding her back.

"chris..." she begins, watching as he freezes and looks at her. throughout this conversation, she hasn't been able to stop thinking about what he told her about his last relationship, how much it hurt him.

"yes, rory?" he says softly. the nickname makes her heart do a little flip, and it makes her shiver. it's so unusual yet so familiar at the same time.

"i can't let you get hurt again," she breathes, feeling like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

"what?" he questions, beginning to run his index finger lightly along her palm. she takes a deep breath.

"i don't want you to get hurt again because of me," she whispers, admitting something she'd never thought she'd ever say out loud, something she never thought she would be able to say with complete and sincere honesty. "i keep hurting you, and i don't know why but it's..."

she stops, not knowing what else there is for her to say. chris just looks at her, his finger making circles on the inside of her palm. it's a whisper of a touch, so painfully light yet still there, and it makes her feel everything. he's still staring at her, his eyes full of emotion but there's so many in them that astoria can't place them. his unreadability makes her nervous, but his stern expression then slowly cracks into a small smile, as he shakes his head and laughs. it's not a happy, amused laugh, but a broken one, like he's in disbelief about what she's just said.

"break my heart, rory. break it a thousand times if you want. it's only ever been yours to break, anyway."

there's silence. pure, utter, completely deafening silence between her and chris because for astoria, time has stopped. his words are echoing in her head so loudly, and she can't escape them. it's scary, not just that he's just said that, but knowing that deep down, she feels the same.

even though she's sitting there literally frozen in shock, chris, as always, manages to find something amusing about the situation. his grin grows, his touch gliding from her hand to her leg, his fingers drifting upwards until they stop and rest on her waist. his touch is warm against her, and astoria wonders if anything has ever felt quite so right in her life. her gaze shifts from his face to where his hand is touching her, but she still remains silent.

"cat got your tongue?" he teases, causing her to snap out of the trance she's in. she glares at him, but she knows she's blushing. chris does too, because his eyes linger on her face for a second.

but she doesn't even care that he's seeing her blush because of him because all she's focused on is the ever so short distance between them. her eyes briefly flicker to his lips, then back up again, but he notices that, too, because he scoffs lightly, looking away and pressing his tongue into the outside of his cheek. it's such a stupid and simple move but he looks so fucking good doing it that without another thought astoria takes his hands in hers and leans in, pressing her lips against his.

the kiss obliterates her. it's like coming home or being born or suddenly finding an entire half of herself that's been missing for years. kissing chris is like every single broken part of her is slowly being pieced back together. it's like being whole again.

she can feel chris smiling against her lips, not breaking the kiss as uses a hand to swipe away the can and twizzlers before shuffling closer to her. he brushes a strand of her hair away, tucking it gently behind her ear, his fingers then trailing down her cheek. she melts into his embrace, her hands finding their way to his chest. his mouth warm against hers, she runs her finger along the collar of his shirt.

after a moment longer, she pulls away, taking a breath as she looks up at him, not removing her hand from where it lays against his chest. "for the record, i'd rather die than admit i'm in love with you," she says quietly, making him frown.

"after the kiss and the whole confession and everything that's all you can say? gee, thanks rory," he says, rolling his eyes but not moving away, his fingers toying lightly with a strand of her hair.

"this is why i hate you," she retorts, unable to hide the smile on her face as she leans in and kisses him again. it's different than before, no longer fast and unsure but rather soft and slow and calm. this kiss is full of emotion, and it's making astoria slowly die inside as she realizes that this is all she's really ever wanted since she was fucking twelve years old.

astoria is falling.

she's falling deep down into what feels like a dark, endless hole of possibility, altering her future at any moment, but in this particular moment, she doesn't care about the past or the future. all she cares about is now, with chris.

"what the actual fuck."

astoria jolts, instantly pulling back from chris and shuffling away from him, looking up to see where the voice is coming from. she glances to chris, whose face drained of color, looking upwards nervously.

matt stands there with his arms crossed, a giant smirk on his face as he beholds the two of them sitting there. "so..." he says, drawing out the vowel. "what's going on here?"

"a fucking circus act," chris replies sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "what do you think, matt?"

matt holds up his hands in mock defense. "my bad, bro. i can always leave again, if you want."

"no, don't worry about it," astoria interjects, grabbing her twizzlers and getting up, quickly walking to where she can see the minivan parked a few feet away. chris huffs, getting up and following. as he walks past matt, his brother chuckles, and he scowls.

"what's with you and constantly interrupting shit?" he asks quietly. matt just shrugs innocently.

"dunno," he says. "i'm just confused about all this. i thought you want to lock it down? that's what you said earlier."

"well, clearly i lied," chris deadpans, not looking at his brother to avoid having to see the smug smirk that is definitely on his face right now. "i still hate her, by the way," he adds, and matt scoffs, not believing a word he says.

"how is that even possible?" he shakes his head, running a hand through his hair.

"i don't know, i- just shut up, matt."

matt chuckles, not daring to say another word as he gets into the driver's seat. chris and astoria also get into the car in silence, but matt can instantly tell that something in the atmosphere has shifted. he only chuckles as he drives off, back to the beach.

i literally have no idea what to write here so...here you go?

━ ava ᥫ᭡