IMP File:

Target: Gerardo Velazquez

Location: Small farm outside Tijuana, Mexico

Description: Middle-aged male smells strongly of hay and tequila

Info: I don't speak whatever language this guy is yappin' in but he keeps making a hand motion that makes me think the target must be a real freak

Blitzo, Violet, Millie and Moxxie arrive in Mexico at night

"Alright. Seems like this one's nice and remote. Won't take us to long to-." A goat bumps into Blitzo, knocking him down, "What the f-."

Soon the groups are surrounded by goats.

"What the fuck are these things?!" Blitzo asked

"I want to say these are earth goats, sir." Moxxie said

"I don't care how great they are—"

"Not that kind of goat you idiot!" Violet said

"I don't care! they are in. My. Way!" Blitzo picks up goats and kicks them. They hit the hay barn, the barn and the house.

This alerts the man inside the house, who goes outside to see, "Que esta pasando!? (What's going on?!) Que carajo!? (What the Hell?!)" Gerardo sees the Imps killing his goats.

"Nice! Easy, easy goats! Easy!" Moxxie said

"El Chupacabras!" Gerardo yelled

Gerardo grabs his rifle and fires at them. Blitzo appears from under the goat pile, wearing one of them like a costume.

"Shit! Scatter!" Violet yelled

Gerardo fires at them, as I.M.P. escape. Millie has a goat right in her mouth, while Moxxie is looking a little worse for wear. Blitzo jumps on a goat to escape while shooting at the man, while the goat struggles to move due to Blitzo trying to ride it like a horse.

"Run, you stretched asshole!" Blitzo yelled

The goat collapses under Blitzo's weight, "Dammit!" Blitzo yelled and he gets hit by a thrown sandal, "Augh!"

"Pendejo que te voy a arrancar la cabeza- (You IDIOT, I'm gonna tear your fucking head off-) la Chupacabra de mierda esta... (piece of shit Chupacabra...)" Mrs Velazquez takes off her other sandal and hurls it in Blitzo's direction, hitting him square in the head with it.

"Ay caramba, he brought the big guns." Violet said

"Come on gang, we lost the element of surprise, let's just get 'em tomorrow." Blitzo said

Violet opens the portal with the Asmodean Crystal.

"You got it, sir." Moxxie said swaying in place because of the beating he took, "Wooooah- let's go, Millie!"

Millie and Moxxie go through the portal, with Millie pulling Moxxie through.

Violet tries to run away but trips over another goat, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Blitzo fires his gun wildly, hitting a truck and causing the outhouse to blow up.

"WHOOOOOOAAAAAAA!" Blitzo yelled and he makes it through the portal

Violet rides the blastwave of the explosion, but before she can get to the portal, she gets hit by a burning goat, knocking her out. 

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"Augh!" When Violet wakes up, she finds herself locked in a cage and dressed up in a chupacabra suit

"What the... efff?" Violet yelled

She looks outside to find that it's the next morning and Gerardo has turned his farm into a small festival that has drawn a crowd, and he is currently up on stage announcing his "find".

"Vengan todos! (Come one, come all!) Señores y Señoras! (Ladies and gentleman!) Pásenle, pásenle! (Step right up, step right up!) ¡Vengan a ver un AUTÉNTICO Chupacabra! (Come and see an AUTHENTIC Chupacabra!) Only a hundred pesos! To see a real chupacabras caught by ME last night." Gerardo said

"A chupa-what!? Look buddy, I'll have you know that I am a dignified-" Violet is interrupted

"No hablo Inglés. (I don't speak English.)" Gerardo said

"What? Bitch, you were just speaking-" Violet is interrupted when Gerardo stuffs a goat plush in her mouth.

"Everyone! Watch this monstruo suck the blood from the goat!" Gerardo said

The crowd cheers as Violet then spits the plush out as it gets stuck between a Mexican lady's cleavage.... And then throws another ice cream cone in a kid's face.

"Look, asshole! The only sucking I do is on cocks-" Gerardo shoves a rooster in Violet's mouth, which she spits out.

"EUGH! Not that kind! Sometimes pussies–" Gerardo shoves a cat in Violet's mouth, which she spits out.

"FUCK! Dammit I'm doing a bit! And cloacas, ah..." She looks as if she expects Gerardo to shove something in her mouth again, only for him to blankly stare at her.

"Now if you don't mind, I-" Gerardo shoves an iguana in Violet's mouth... which she yet again spits out.

"OH!! I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN THE FUCKING GROUND! Hang on." Violet looks for her gun, only to see that Gerardo not only has her gun in hand, but her snake weapon with the Asmodean Crystal on his left hand.

"Fuuuuuuuuck me." Violet said

A van arrives, and two people wearing giant sombreros and mustaches step out before taking them off, revealing themselves to be Agents One and Two of D.H.O.R.K.S.

"Oh great those fucking idiots again." Violet muttered

"Alright. We gotta secure the scene. We heard that there's a real "chupacabra" here?" Agent One said

"Yes, over here! Hundred pesos please." Gerardo said

"Señor, we are with the government." Agent Two said

"Hundred. Pesos." Gerardo said again

"- Right. So uhhh... How much is that?" Agent One asked

"$5.69." Agent Two said

"Uhh, you have any cash on you?" Agent One asked

"Who has cash anymore?" Agent Two asked

"You paid the tip with cash at brunch the other day." Agent One said

"Yeah, that's all I had. Why don't you pay him? I bought us the coffee this morning." Agent Two said

"Are you really pulling that card in front of this fine man and his fine goats? No, what? I literally never have cash in my life. You're always the one who pays cash." Agent One argued

As the agents and Gerardo argue, a little goat walks over to Violet, "Hi little guy, I know my friends have killed some of your family earlier, but if you help me out of this little pickle, I'll make it up to you little fella!" Violet said as she pets and feeds the goat with a piece of cheese.

"Sooo, can you take caaard, or..." The goat headbutts Agent One in the crotch.

"OW! Ffff-uck, you stupid goat!" Agent One yelled

"YOU INSULT MY GOOOAT?! YOU PAY WITH YOUR LIIIIIIIIFE!'

Gerardo points Violet's gun at Agent One. The D.H.O.R.K.S. aim their guns at him.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" The agents yelled

As Gerardo is about to fire. Violet's gun heats up and burn's Gerardo's hand, causing him to yell in pain and drop the gun. As the gun hits the ground, it goes off. The shot hits the windmill, ricochets off the bars of Violet's cage and flattens one of the tires of the D.H.O.R.K.S. van causing the alarm to go off and Agent One to leap into Agent Two's arms. The windmill breaks and lands on Gerardo.

"Estoy. muerto. (I'm... dead.) Bleh." Gerardo said

"Oh dear god." Agent Two said

"DEMON GUN!!" Agent One yelled

"Fucking retards." Violet insulted as the agents fired at Violet's gun.

The little goat walks over to Violet, giving her back her crystal, "Hey, thatta boy!" She said

Violet opens the portal and appears on top of the cage.

"Hey dipshits! Remember me?" Violet yelled

"It's her!" Agent Two yelled

"Get her!" Agent One yelled

The D.H.O.R.K.S agents fire at Violet, who jumps out of the way. She then grabs her gun back from the goat and runs to the barn, climbing it as their bullets tear through the window before reaching the roof and tearing the "100 Pesos" ribbon off the barn.

"Chupacabra! Haaay! ¡Me gustaaa! (Yaaay! I like iiiit!)" The crowd yelled

"Yeah, bitch! I'm the fucking "chupra-ca-dupra"! And I'm here to fuck you aaaall." Violet yelled and she fired her gun in the air, causing the goats to stampede and the crowd to panic.

"Oh my god, everybody run! She's got a gun!" Someone yelled

"¡¡Aye dio mío!! ¡¡¡Tiene pistola!!! (Oh my god!! He has a gun!!!)" Mrs Velazquez yelled

As everyone runs away, one of the crowd loses his camera and his hand to one of the goats, and Agent One is shot in the leg by a goat that's gotten hold of Gerardo's rifle. Agent Two tries her best to get Agent One to his feet, but another goat has started on her jacket, and Agent One flashes his badge in a futile attempt to get everything back under control.

"We got badges, we're legit! We're important! Get out of our way!" Agent One yelled

"Agent One! Get over here!" Agent Two yelled

Agent One smacks the goat that's trying to eat Agent Two's jacket, just before he gets his badge eaten by another goat. More goats quickly swarm the agents.

"No! More goats!" Agent One yelled

The goats have Agent Two on the ground, and one of them is trying to eat her hair.

"Oh my god, run! What are you do--!" Agent Two yelled

Agent One crawls away, just before he runs into the goat he smacked, who promptly smacks him back. The two finally make it to the van and climb inside.

"Do not trip! Do not trip! Come on!" Agent Two yelled

One of the goats leaps onto the window and freaks Agent Two out, "AHHH! Too many goats!!! Oh, too many goats!" Agent Two yelled

"Oh my god, more goats!" Agent One yelled

The D.H.O.R.K.S. finally get their van in gear and drive off. One last spectator remains, and he's scared off by another goat.

Violet and the little goat are on the roof in the aftermath of the chaos, "Amazing work there lil' buddy. You really helped my little white ass out. And for that I'm making you an honorary I.M.P V.I.P uh... associate. Here, have a sticker. Ha ha! Nyonk!"

Violet gives the goat a sticker on its forehead and then leaves through a portal back to Hell.

"Later!" Violet yelled

The goat walks to the edge of the roof where the other goats have gathered below. Later that night, we see that the little goat has become the leader of a Cult of the Lamb-esque demon cult, and is in a black cloak with a horned hat as the rest of goats bow to it.