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DRESS
(( — DEAD POETS SOCIETY — ))

—chapter xxi. of letting him go and falling apart

tw: mention of suicide and grief

ON HER WAY BACK to her room, loraine ran into harry bredston of all people. that must've been a bad joke by the universe

"hey" harry raised his hand. to loraine's surprise he didn't seem smug

"what do you want harry?" she asked annoyed "i'm not in the mood for anything of this today"

"i wanted to apologize" he said, surprisingly.

loraine raised her eyebrows. "you want to apologize?"

"yes" harry was fiddling with his fingers "i realized that what i did was awful. you didn't owe me anything, but when cameron came to me i got tempted and i took my anger out on dalton and you, anger that you didn't deserve"

"you're right" loraine nodded "charlie and i did not deserve that"

"i'm really sorry, loraine" harry mumbled "after everything that happened with neil i wanted to apologize and let you know that i didn't mean what i said. my condolences"

"thank you" loraine nodded "seems like after all that happened you'll get what you wanted. my father wants me to go to italy and he's already speaking of marrying us"

"what?" harry asked surprised

"yeah, just what i said" she shrugged "please excuse me, i'll go cry in my room as long as my life isn't over yet"

"what? loraine, wait!" harry was following her down the hall "he can't just make you marry me, can he?"

"he can" loraine nodded

"i didn't know about any of this, i swear"

"that doesn't matter, harry" loraine continued her way "please just leave me alone, i have to process all of this first"

"i mean, what about charlie?"

"charlie isn't an option for my father"

"his parents are rich, right? he's from a good family, isn't he?" harry just wouldn't stop talking

"charlie is not the kind of guy my father sees fit for me"

"but he makes you happy, doesn't he?" harry asked

"my father doesn't care if i'm happy or not"

"oh" harry froze in his step and watched loraine continue her way back to her room. her door fell closed with a loud thud and harry turned around to go back to his room, regret plaguing his mind.

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LORAINE HAD HID in her room for what felt like hours, before she decided that she couldn't wait around like that.

she had to talk to him.

she walked out of her room, making sure that no one was paying attention to her. technically, nolan had not forbidden her to leave her room and he was probably still busy with making her friends sign that awful piece of paper.

she knocked on the door repeatedly and quicker than she expected, it opened.

"lori?" mr keating asked surprised.

loraine smiled at her teacher. "i'm sorry" she excused "i really wanted to speak with you"

"come in, dear" mr keating smiled and opened the door wider, so that loraine could slip into the room. of course that wasn't allowed normally, but neither mr keating nor loraine cared anymore

"am i allowed to hug you?" loraine asked softly and keating nodded, tears brimming at both their eyes. she hugged him tightly and his hug felt like one that you would receive from a father, but never had one of her fathers hugs felt that way.

"i'm so sorry" keating patted her head and loraine cried into his chest. they loosened the hug slowly and loraine looked around the room for the first time.

"you're already packing?" she asked as she noticed the boxes all around the room "so they really did it, what?"

"yes" mr keating answered hesitantly "we came to the conclusion that it would be best for the school and for my own career to possibly teach at another school"

"they make them sign the paper" loraine muttered

"i know" keating sat down and nodded to the other chair for loraine to do the same, then he filled two cups with tea

"these are all terrible lies, mr keating" she continued "we didn't tell anyone anything, we wouldn't lie like this"

"i know, i know" keating nodded

"cameron did" loraine admitted and just for a split second she could see the hurt in keating's eyes, before his expression switched back to neutral

"charlie's out" she added "he hit cameron"

"that foolish boy" keating shook his head "why did he do that?"

"he said awful things about you" loraine explained, before she added "and me"

"so he defended both of our honors?" keating smiled and loraine mirrored his expression

"he did" she nodded "thank you, for all that you did for us and neil"

"there's nothing to thank me for, dear. look in what mess i got us all"

"that's not true, mr keating" loraine assured "all of this would've happened nonetheless, it was just a question of when, you made this school year a bit more bearable"

"thank you for saying that" he smiled "what about you? your father must've been angry when he found out about your involvement in the club?"

"he was" loraine nodded, while she thought back to the fight "he was especially angry when he found out that is was not going to sign his stupid paper"

"you did not sign it?" keating asked surprised. if he had to bet on one of his students that would definitely sign the paper, it would've been loraine. the daughter of the headmaster that had never had a choice in her life.

"no, i did not" she was quite proud of talking back to her father "other than expected, he did not throw me out. because, of course that would be a bad look for the school and our family, if the headmaster couldn't even control his own daughter. by now my name is probably not even on there anymore"

"he just accepted it?"

"not really" she shrugged "we had a huge fight. him, my brother and i. in some sense it felt therapeutic, even if i did find out about things that changed everything. and soon enough my punishment will follow. he thinks i need to remember my manners"

"what kind of punishment?" keating asked hesitantly. he knew that loraine had a future that was planned before she was older than five. just like the rest of her friends.

"after the school year has ended i will accompany the bredstons to italy, after that i will be engaged to harry bredston and probably be married before the year is even over"

"oh, dear" keating muttered. he watched her closely, how she mentioned all of that so casually, you could almost think that she didn't care, but she could not fool him. her smile had faded and her eyes were shimmering, fixated on the cup in front of her. "i'm so sorry"

"it's alright" loraine shook her head, trying to smile, while fighting the incoming tears "i mean, i knew this would happen eventually. i was ready all my life and i did enough mourning, so why don't i feel like that?" she looked at him like he was the only one who could possibly answer that "why do i feel like this?"

"oh, lori" keating went to hug her again, as she began to cry.

it almost broke his heart to see her like this. when he had first met her, she had been a fierce and smart young woman, now she was like a shadow of herself. drenched by everything that had happened to her in these past few months, testing how strong she really was, but also not allowing her time to breathe, while taking away the most important thing.

"i knew this would happen, it was always inevitable, but back then i thought that i would atleast still have neil. he did not deserve all of this and no one deserved neil"

keating could practically see how neil's death had taken a lot of what loraine had once been. it almost looked like in some way a part of her died with him. he figured that wasn't far off, considering that they had spent almost every day of their lives together. neil had told him all about it, vividly describing the tree in the middle of their houses and how loraine had once, insane as she was, climbed from her window to his.

"she was always like this" neil had joked, sitting in the classroom on the day of his play. "you should've seen her, mr keating. she was laughing and her hair was flowing everywhere. she almost fell down right before she reached my window, but you know her, she wouldn't just accept falling like that"

maybe that was what she needed to hear right now.

he calmed her down enough, and when she was able to listen to him, he told her all about that day in the classroom and the way neil had described her so beautifully and honestly that you could read from his face how much he admired her.

keating wasn't sure if he was going insane, but it almost looked like a little piece of loraine got put together again when she heard neil's words that keating could recite out of his mind.

"thank you, for telling me that" she smiled after he had ended and keating nodded like it was no big deal, but to her it was.

to hear that neil had told such a beautiful memory on the day of his death, meant the world to her.

"i'll take a quick walk" keating said and pointed to the phone on top of his dresser "i'll leave you to it" he smiled and nodded to say goodbye, before he left the room.

loraine looked after him puzzled, before it finally clicked. she took the phone, put it on the desk and sat down. luckily she knew the number by heart.

"charlie?" she asked into the telephone, hoping that he was the one answering

"ray" charlie said and they both sighed relieved "i'm sorry. they did not let me say goodbye to you"

"i figured as much" she mumbled "it's alright, charlie, everything will be alright"

it was more than just admirable how easy it was for charlie to detect that something was wrong, just by the sound of loraine's voice

"what did they do to you?" he asked

loraine began to cry again and in the comfort of mr keating's room she told charlie everything. from her mother to her very own punishment.

the ending was near. something had been destined to happen. both of them knew that, both of them had feared that.

"our world is falling apart" loraine muttered

"atleast it was ours, if even just for a little while"

they both grew silent, while staying on the phone, feeling comfort by listening to each other breathe.

loraine closed her eyes, knowing that at least charlie felt the exact same way as her. she felt like there was nothing left to do.

nothing left of everything they once had.

charlie had been the sun in loraine's solar system for all the time they had known each other. what now? now all of it was over? did it even matter anymore?

after all, how could loraine ever love someone as much as she loved charlie?

"i'm sorry, charlie" loraine said and she could hear charlie sniffle on the other end of the phone

"i'm sorry too, loraine" he replied "just know that i would've given you anything in the world, anything at all"

there would never have been a time where loraine had received enough of charlie's love. but after all these years and all the time he had loved her, she just had to make it feel like it was.

after all, being loved by charles dalton had always meant the world to loraine nolan.

maybe that was enough for one lifetime.

A/N
the world is really ending over here, isn't it?

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