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DRESS
(( — DEAD POETS SOCIETY — ))

—chapter xx. of truth and hurt

tw: mention of suicide and grief

LORAINE KNOCKED on the door to todd's room. he opened the door slowly, surprised to see her there. "hey" she smiled softly

"hi" he said "you can't be here"

"i know" she nodded "will you let me in anyway?"

todd grinned and opened the door wider, inviting her inside, before he closed it again. she sat down on neil's bed, across from todd who was leaning against the wall at the window.

"are you going to sign it?" loraine asked, breaking the silence

"what?" todd was confused

"it doesn't take a genius" loraine shrugged "they're probably going to give us some paper, filled with a statement that's more than just a lie and make us sign it. the consequence of not signing would be expulsion i guess"

"are you?"

loraine smiled and then she shook her head "in half a year my life is probably over anyway, why not go down with a bang?"

todd admired her fearlessness. "charlie is out anyway, huh?"

loraine nodded and sighed. they stayed quiet for a few moments before she broke the silence. "where you ever gonna tell neil that you were in love with him?"

"what?" todd stuttered, surprised and confused

"i don't mean to make you uncomfortable" loraine said softly "but it was quite obvious, well to me at least"

"you don't think it's wrong?" asked todd surprised. he wasn't sure if he was gay, but he did like neil more than a friend. that wasn't something his family or neil's family would've ever approved of.

"why would i think it's wrong?" loraine asked, mirroring his surprise "you looked at neil the way i look at charlie, what could be wrong about loving someone?"

todd shrugged and looked down to his shoes. "i probably would have never told him anyway"

"i'm sorry" loraine said "about everything that happened. you didn't want to be a part of this and we dragged you into it, that was wrong"

todd shook his head "no" he said "i don't regret anything, lori. meeting all of you was the best thing that's ever happened to me and meeting neil.." he paused, before he added "changed my life"

loraine smiled at him and nodded "okay"

after a few minutes, it was once again loraine who broke the silence. "i was only eight when my mother left us. she packed all her things and ran away in the night"

todd's head almost flew off by how quick it turned to the side. "your mother didn't die?" he asked surprised

"no" loraine shook her head smiling "she was smart and left"

"without you and your brother? don't you hate her?"

"no" loraine shook her head "i used to hate her for such a long time, and i still get sad when i think about her, but ultimately she made a smart choice. my parents marriage was arranged and she was twenty-two years younger than my father when they got married. she was only twenty"

"that's awful" todd shook his head in disgust

"i know" loraine nodded "nolan might not be the worst father, but he was probably the worst husband. i was still a child and even i knew that she hated her life. i remember so little about her, but this never left my head"

"i'm sorry, loraine"

"nolan wasn't a bad father, he never mistreated us, but he was pretty strict. my mother was a free spirit, you couldn't lock her up in that house. she had to break out eventually, but she had nothing, and he was not willing to give her anything, so she left"

"where is she today?" todd asked

"i don't know" loraine shrugged "i never saw her again. she never came back, not even when we were older. maybe she is still out there, or maybe she died, i don't know. i don't really remember her that much, i know most things from thomas, but he doesn't like to talk about her, so we mostly never do"

"why are you telling me all this?" todd asked "you don't have tell me a secret, just because you know mine"

"i know" loraine shrugged "i wanted to tell you" she smiled "i never really told someone before. only neil knows, and that only because he was there to witness it"

"not even charlie?"

loraine shook her head. "the thing is, that sometimes everything gets too hard and you just want to run away. that's what i normally did. every time i tried, neil was there to keep me from running, now he isn't here"

"yeah, he's not here" todd agreed sadly "so what are you doing? are you running?"

"i thought i would" loraine shrugged "but i'm gonna march in there and tell my father everything he never wanted to hear. and it's gonna be amazing"

todd smiled at her excitement. "good, please do what i can't" he nodded proudly.

"you're a great friend" loraine was serious all of a sudden and hugged him

"you're a great friend too" todd muttered into her hair. he wasn't sure if she was able to hear him, but the grin on her face when they broke the hug was enough to tell him she did.

there was a knock at the door. "loraine?" thomas asked "it's time"

"i'll see you on the other side" todd saluted

"don't be silly" loraine smiled "there is no other side"

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"YOU DO ADMIT to being a part of this dead poets society?" her father asked

thomas was sitting next to her, but it felt like they were oceans apart.

"yes" loraine nodded

"i hope you know how disappointed i am about hearing that my own daughter is part of that rebel group"

"it's not a rebel group" loraine laughed and crossed her arms

"don't you talk back to me, loraine" her father bellowed "you can be glad that you won't suffer any harsh consequences"

she shrugged, not caring about his threats.

"but there is another accusation i wanted to talk to you about" nolan said and crossed his arms "mr cameron told me about an ongoing relationship between you and mr dalton, is that true?"

"that stupid boy really came back her to betray us some more, huh?" loraine muttered

nolan's hand slammed onto the table with a loud thud. "i just asked you a question" he screamed

"father, please" thomas got up from his seat and tried to calm his father down

"be quiet, son" nolan bellowed and thomas sunk down

"answer me, loraine. was there or was there not a physical relationship between you and that boy?" he spat the word boy like it was an insult

"everything is true" loraine said finally "everything you heard, from what cameron told you to the rumor that every boy in this godforsaken school talked about"

"you should be ashamed of yourself!" nolan said angrily "a young lady rolling around in bed with a stupid boy and everyone knows about it!"

"i don't care" loraine shrugged "i love charlie"

"love" nolan scoffed "did you know about this?" he asked thomas, who shook his head after loraine had raised her eyebrows at him. he didn't have to be dragged into this

"i really tried my best in raising you, but after all you're just like your mother! saying what you want and not having any discipline, i didn't raise you to be like this"

"i'm glad that i am like her" loraine screamed back "because if i wasn't then i would be a doll, without any feelings or interests"

"you're not supposed to have interests, you don't need them. and you certainly don't need a stupid boy that helps you throw your life away!"

loraine scoffed "i'm not throwing my life away, you are doing a great job at wasting it" she raised her arms "i never wanted any of this, i just want to make my own decisions"

nolan hid his face in his hands, tired by the discussion

"i wish i had been able to leave with mother, maybe then my life wouldn't feel so suffocating" nolan stood up abruptly and walked around the table. loraine and thomas got up as well, loraine had planned to be fearless, but she was failing at that now, as she slowly backed away from her father.

"maybe i should've let her take you. maybe you wouldn't be so ungrateful then" nolan screamed and loraine could feel his warm breath on her face "you can be glad that i kept her from you all those years and never let you read one of her stupid letters or visit her, so we can still fix your behavior"

"what?" thomas asked confused

"i did what was best for you" nolan bellowed "she would've ruined you both"

loraine's emotions switched from betrayed, to angry, to confused and back to angry. "you already did that on your own" she screamed back, nolan raised his hand, loraine closed her eyes, waiting for the hit, but nothing happened

thomas was holding nolan's arm. "you don't put your hands on her" he growled. loraine had never seen her brother this angry before

"i didn't mean—" nolan's hand sank to his side

both thomas and loraine looked at their father like they never did before.

gale nolan had never once felt small in his life, not like he did right now. his children looked at him with eyes full of betrayal, not believing what their father had done to them. during this fight they had all lost control, especially nolan over his children.

he cleared his throat before he backed away and sat down in his chair. loraine and thomas did the same

"she wrote to us?" thomas asked and his voice sounded like that of a little boy "you said she never told you where she had gone"

nolan nodded with one quick gesture. "she's in london, as far as i know"

"you never told us" loraine mumbled, tears rolling over her cheeks. "you made us believe she wasn't interested in us, you kept us from her, all this time" her heart broke, as she saw the truth in her fathers eyes

"you shouldn't have decided this for us" thomas said

"i'm your father, it is my duty to make decisions for you" he said sternly "this was the right thing to do"

"no it wasn't" loraine said softly. she resembled her mother so much. nolan gulped

"why did you never tell us anything?" thomas' voice was close to a whisper, loraine could practically watch him fall apart

nolan gulped again, but ultimately did not answer his son. "are you going to sign the paper?" he asked loraine

she shook her head.

"that was what i thought" he crossed her name. "you won't be expelled, that would be terrible for the good reputation of this school and our family. instead you will be going to italy in the summer and join the bredstons, hopefully you will learn some manners there. harry will become a doctor and he will be a good husband, i already talked with his parents"

"you can't do that" thomas argued "you can't just ship her off like this and arrange her marriage, like really?"

"yes he can" loraine said softly "he's gale nolan, he can decide whatever he wants"

"i'm glad you found some of your discipline" nolan nodded "now to you thomas, you're going to finish your studies by working in a law firm, maybe you remember then why this job is so important for you"

"i'm an adult" thomas argued

"i financed your education and this is how you repay me? you are nothing without this family, my boy, you better start to remember that. now both of you can leave, i don't want to see either of you anymore until you remember how to behave"

thomas and loraine left the room defeated. in contrary to what she had initially thought, telling the truth did not feel as good. especially when someone answered with something that could break your heart.

A/N
the finale begins! it's only three more chapters until loraine's story is over!!

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