Illae Cogitationes In Occipitio Sunt

Those Thoughts In The Back Of The Head

It was nearly midday and Garrett should be in Human Nature's class along with Jungkook. But Garrett had been kidnaped by someone he thought had been his friend, leaving behind nothing but a horrifying statement that came out of Aureoluz's mouth while in agony. And Jungkook was absent from this class due to his inexplicable need to do something reckless.

A complete contrast of predicaments was happening at the very same time, and neither knew of the other. Just like no one else knew Leo would be running to the nearest bathroom due to mounting anxiety and Finn, terribly worried, waited outside. Or just like no one, not even herself, knew or realized that Emily's theories were taking her down a dangerous road. And even worse, none of them knew who was in the Headmaster's office or what was being discussed there.

The only one that knew all of this was not even known to exist, for people like her had been lost to human memory for far longer than a few thousands of years.

Lamashtu, the caster of the curse, the worst of all-female demons, the mistress of the Darkness. She'd been locked up since Heaven locked away its doors. Correction, she'd been locked up since Ishtar cracked the doors open just enough to come down and lock her in her dungeon.

But Ishtar hadn't paid enough attention. She had been trying to finish her job before the doors would close on her and hadn't realized Lamashtu had done yet another horrific thing: She had tried to turn her hatred into a body to do her bidding for her.

However, it hadn't exactly worked. She too had worked hastily while being chased, so she was only able to give her anger a consciousness of its own to float freely outside her confinement. Henceforth, Darkness came to be.

And just as any good servant would do, he floated back over where he sensed the presence of those two particular souls and tried to find them. He had to find them and connect himself directly to their souls. To kill them again, and again, and again, until those two horrific souls finally ceased to exist, making themselves unable to turn into stars in the afterlife once they've exploded in their agony. Making them suffer so he could have enough power to free his mistress.

He'd been able to find one of the two. The Guilty. He had only been able to find him due to his soul being awakened to the fullest and that could only happen when The Mortal was with him again. But he couldn't find the latter. He knew the current energy coming from The Guilty only happened if The Mortal was around, but he couldn't feel The Mortal around.

He couldn't find him. And as long as one of them was free from his clutches, both of them would have protection that he won't be able to break.

So long as that invisible wall kept The Mortal from his grasp, he won't be able to kill them himself.

And that enraged him.

Rewind.

"The Mortal made his soul untouchable."

Lamashtu opened her eyes. And the corners of her pale lips turned downwards.

An untouchable soul is an invisible human to Darkness. So, he couldn't be harmed.

An inconvenience.

It has been an ongoing battle since the dawn of time between her and that man made of mud. It seems like fighting against her had been so deeply carved in his soul that, even if his new brain can't remember, he still manages to slip away and live.

What an inconvenience. If it hadn't been because of those two's resilient hot-headedness, their souls would've finally perished and she could've gotten out of this underwater cage, but that little human wanted to stretch out the inevitable. How stupid of him to live only to experience pain and die, how stupid of him to give her what she wants thinking he's doing something brave and smart, how... stupidly human.

In all honesty, this news didn't impress her like it once did. But they do make things a bit out of the ordinary. She needs them to suffer instead of having a clean death, so, it might be an inconvenience for her plans that they can't die right away, but it's interesting to see them trying to run away from a goddess of death.

However... This has been going on for decades and she's getting tired of not being able to feel their pain thru their souls. Only once in the past hundred years had she felt them and killed them delightfully slowly. But no more. Since the beginning of the century, they've been able to make their souls invisible to her and she's had enough.

"Whatever he had done, happened last lifetime. This new brain doesn't remember how to do such things. And I don't want him to have time to remember. Connect to every person in that University and bring up every dark thought they've tried to bury. If we're lucky, one of those humans might be on our side and will want to kill him. But if not... I want him to suffer so much he'll wish he were dead. Go."

Fast forward.

Darkness' consciousness hovered over the university and concentrated on this one place alone like a suffocating blanket.

Every single person could feel his presence whether they realized it or not, and the majority of those were being influenced by his power as each second passed. Whether it was a good influence or a bad one was for the humans to decide. The only thing he could do as a consciousness was to alter their minds, bringing their darkest thoughts to the front of their minds; whether they chose to follow their demon-like tendencies or listen to the little voice in the back of their head that only told them awful statements, it was for them to decide.

They could ignore their thoughts, yes, but they couldn't always stop other people's actions. Some might not obey their darkest thoughts, but others weren't as strong-minded.

And if The Guilty shone brightly once more, he'll have even more influence on their minds than before.

The mind, the mind, the mind was a world. And he was so vast, so vast, that he could eat them all whole.

It's for them to decide whether they'll be strong...

...or not.

As Jungkook and Taehyung walked to the Professors' living area an hour before midday, tension rose inside the former's stomach.

Jungkook was looking at every corner as they walked, feeling deeply ashamed of the rudeness he displayed earlier. It has always been this way, every time he finished fighting, he would regret it deeply; hating fighting and feeling angry, hating this tension burning in his stomach and the aggressive need to release it violently. And the worst part was that he thought this part of him had vanished with Taehyung's arrival, but it's back.

It was the fact that it was back which startled him the most. So much so that he had to convince Taehyung to get them to his apartment just so he wouldn't need to fake being ok. Because, if this tension didn't arrive because he was touch-deprived or love-deprived, then why does it happen? Where did it exactly originate from? When was the first time he felt this way? The answer to all those questions was a solid "I don't know".

Jungkook held his breath as Taehyung placed his card against the black, glass doors, and opened them to let him through.

In all honesty, he didn't want to talk about this with Taehyung. But, if he didn't, he would be keeping things from him like he kept Aloisia and Hoseok from him as well, and he refused to see that betrayal in his eyes again.

As they silently went up the elevator, he tried thinking of reasons or excuses for why he would be feeling this way. Maybe it was anger at having been interrupted the night before when, in the end, nothing at all happened and they were able to be together without hurting anybody. Maybe it was anger at having to sleep alone instead of hugging Taehyung through one of the most important nights of their lives. Maybe it was anger at Tom for being so strange and making him see his Markings before telling him openly that he had killed someone because "they deserved it ''. Maybe it was anger at being in the cafeteria and noticing the tension floating in the air, suffocating everyone and himself to the point where he had to run to Taehyung. Or maybe it was anger at just how much Barbie reminded him of his sister and his friend reminded him of Raphael.

But he didn't know where this tension came from, all he knew was that it was anger and fear.

The fake little grin on Jungkook's face faltered as Taehyung started to unlock his door. And, in the meantime, he looked over at Oliver's.

The mat before that distant door read "Welcome". He saw it and remembered how Oliver had told him time and time again that he was indeed welcomed, so much so that he told him he hid a key beneath that mat. But the memory only made Jungkook feel even more ashamed of this tension inside of him. Because that kind man didn't deserve to feel bad for someone so wrong inside.

He had wanted to talk to him since before he came here but, time and time again, circumstances made it nearly impossible for them to meet and talk like they once did. Maybe later today... but he had to go to his father's office and then come back here to speak to Taehyung's kids. He had promised them he would, and he was forced to go up there. So many things he had to do, so many more he wanted to do, and so little time, so little time.

Jungkook could feel his heart hitting the inside of his chest as he went past Taehyung and walked inside the apartment. His previous smile was completely gone.

He also had to speak to Taehyung about this feeling right after he had convinced him that he wanted to come here to do a completely different activity. Maybe he should just keep pretending everything's ok, at least for a bit longer. What if Taehyung feels lied to if he suddenly told him he didn't come here to do that? Could it happen?

Jungkook left his bag on the kitchen counter, noticed the gray curtains had been all hung up, and, with a twitch of surprise, he put back the grin on his face and turned around to fold his hands around Taehyung's neck.

- You like how they look? - Taehyung asked as he hugged him around the waist, having just left his briefcase beside his bag. - I asked the staff to help me with them. But I never thought they would do it so quickly. - He chuckled; his eyes never leaving his.

Jungkook's chest and stomach tensed at the worrying thought of other people having this apartment's key. But he tried to grin wider.

- I love the privacy. - That was true. Not only was the gray light from the sky a bit more muffled, but, instead of feeling locked up, he felt safer. Less paranoid.

But then he remembered that the staff could easily unlock the door and walk right in and he had to swallow down to keep himself from crouching and hugging his knees.

Taehyung chuckled softly at what he had said as if he had been waiting for an answer just like that one. Then Jungkook saw him crouching down a little and he saw what he wanted to do, so he relaxed his muscles as much as he could and let him hold him up by the back of his thighs. As he was held securely while Taehyung took them to the couch, Jungkook hugged him tightly around the neck; hugging him just like he would hug his knees up to his chest.

It helped a little... but now he just wanted to hide in his hold forever.

Even as Taehyung gently sat down and hugged him around his waist, Jungkook's tension wouldn't leave him.

Taehyung caressed his back with open palms, up and down, slowly and gently, breathing deeply. And then muttered...

- What is it, my Angel? - His breathing caressing his ear.

Jungkook frowned deeply with his eyes closed.

- What do you mean? -

How had he figured something was off? Was it so obvious that something was wrong? Had he known all along that Jungkook just wanted to get away from everything else?

Taehyung started caressing him gently with his nails, making him wish he could calm down. But Jungkook couldn't calm down, not when Taehyung's following words proved he could read him whether he wanted to or not.

- You're too quiet. I feel you tense. Hear you angry. I sense you wish to run and see your eyes are scared. My Love... My Angel... Tell me and let me drive all worry from your shoulders. - Slowly, his hands went under the hem of his shirt and gently started to caress the soft skin of his back.

Jungkook took a heavy breath lazed with longing. Oh, how he wished this tension would ease so his mind would stop racing and he could enjoy his touch to the fullest. All he wanted right now was to tell him and let him help with whatever this was, but it wasn't that easy.

His knees pushed in tighter at each side of Taehyung and he could do nothing but try to hide away in his neck just like Taehyung had done the night before when Hoseok and Yoongi were threatening them. But the wish for hiding only clashed with his need to fight, making him even tenser. But why?

He simply opened his mouth and spoke. He didn't even care if he made sense, he just wanted to get this thing out.

- I... I just... woke up angry and sad and just... Like... Last night, you and me, it was... love. And it angers me that it would be compared with sickness. And it saddens me to think that, if we didn't have these blessed, little, hidden places, then we wouldn't be able to love. - His breathing quickened as what he said sunk in, worsening his state. - And... And at breakfast, I saw the fear in students' eyes and heard them muttering instead of laughing and... And my mother sent me a letter telling me that I had to go to their office at half past four and I have no idea why or... -

He wanted to hide, he wanted to run, he needed to scream or cry or something. He needed to get off of Taehyung's gentle embrace, he needed–

- Shhhh... - Taehyung whispered close to his ear and gently pulled him back. Jungkook let go of his neck and straightened up, trying to breathe deeply and slowly, but getting dizzy at the same time. Then, Taehyung took hold of his face. - Look at me. - Jungkook did. And didn't want to look away. - I agree with you. It is sad and it makes me angry as well that this type of love is often confused with anything else, and you know it. But, until things begin to change for the better, it won't matter when or how, as long as we're together, alright? If ever you feel doubtful about something, remember that you never have to doubt my love for you. -

Jungkook's breathing hitched and he nodded once. Gently, Taehyung caressed his way down his neck and then his arms, never looking away from his eyes while he spoke, taking some of the dizziness away.

- As long as there are places hidden from view, we'll always be able to embrace each other. - Taehyung took his hands and slowly guided them, making him grab his jacket. - As long as there's evil, there'll be people fighting against it. - Slowly, they both pulled off his suit jacket. - And... - Taehyung tossed it to the floor to then grab him by the waist again. - If you don't want to go to that office, we can easily invent an excuse, my Love. I refuse to let you do something you don't want to do. -

Jungkook smiled softly, feeling the tension finally easing a fraction as he looked at his beautiful face. He reached up his hands and held it, then he saw as Taehyung tilted his head to the side to feel more of it, and, smiling, he leaned in ready to kiss those soft lips.

But then... slowly... he frowned a little. And looked over to the window to his left.

- It's raining again. - He muttered. Looking at the dark, gray sky beginning to fall like it had done the night before through a slit in the curtains; or like it had done the first night they were fully intimate, right after he had said to Taehyung that if it rained, they would go to his apartment. And it did.

...coincidence...?

Yoongi's warning came back to him, worrying him, making him tense over once more.

Could it be that... he had been telling the truth? And awful things were indeed happening because of their union right now?

Taehyung, no doubt sensing that a far greater storm rained down inside him, pulled him in and made him lean against him once more to then slip his warm hands under his shirt and caress him...

Jungkook sighed even as he frowned.

- Are you disappointed that it's raining? - His voice was lower and slower as if being careful while still feeling sure.

Jungkook hummed but didn't elaborate. He didn't want to speak about his worries for fear that they would seem even greater.

- Could it be that you wanted to go to the clearing later? - Taehyung tried to guess or to distract him, and Jungkook tried to follow along with another hum, hoping this will help him. - We can still go if you want. The pavilion has a roof. - While Taehyung muttered, one of his hands trailed downwards to his thigh where he started to caress with his nails.

Jungkook sighed, frustrated. He was getting annoyed that he couldn't enjoy his touch.

But there was another worry. What Taehyung had just said, hadn't helped him much, if anything, it made him feel a bit uneasy. There has always been something about that pavilion that made him feel as though he was in someone else's house. He didn't feel it would be good to get inside it.

- No. - He answered at last. - If it keeps raining, we'll stay here and cuddle. - Then, he tried to smile, imagining cuddling away with Taehyung.

But it faded rather quickly.

He couldn't stay here and cuddle all day, he had to speak with Leo, with Emily, with Hoseok, Garrett, and Namjoon; he had to go to lunch and possibly see Tom again, he had to go to classes, he had to go to his father's office. Jungkook whined at how uncomfortable he felt and tried to hide in Taehyung's neck.

- I can't stay here, I have so much to do. -

He even had homework, for God's sakes.

- Whatever you want, my Angel. - Taehyung muttered and continued his caressing. But then his hands went up and up, taking the shirt with him until Jungkook's thoughts were cut short once he realized what he was trying to do. So, gratefully, he pulled back, letting Taehyung take his shirt off and toss it to the side.

Sitting straight back on Taehyung's lap, he took a deep breath as he let Taehyung's roaming hands travel up and down his sides as they wished. And then, as he exhaled and the tension returned, he leaned in against his chest, folding his arms around his neck.

- I really love your body. And I'll never get bored of saying it. - Taehyung murmured with a low voice while his lips brushed against his naked shoulder.

Jungkook chuckled once, feeling a flutter amidst the burning in his stomach.

- Just as much as I do yours. - And he left a chaste kiss on his neck.

But then, a wave of tension took hold of his mind and he had to hug him for dear life just to stop himself from doing something stupid.

And Taehyung felt it all.

- Kooky... - He breathed out, straightening up a bit better on his seat to hug him just as close. Jungkook didn't answer, he was too appalled to speak. - Please, please, tell me, talk to me... - Taehyung muttered softly as he stroked his hair with one hand and gently rocked them back and forth, but Jungkook couldn't tell him this, it was bad enough when he told him why he sought fights, this was way worse, this need, this thing.

But then his mind stopped altogether as Jungkook realized something new.

Taehyung was holding him, stroking him, and rocking back and forth as if he was trying to calm down a toddler.

The thought of it brought Jungkook up short.

An image of Taehyung doing this same exact thing to his own children when they were infants, glowed behind his eyes. An image of Taehyung hugging them as they cried hysterically because of a nightmare and asking them softly if they could explain; helping them to put words to emotions so they could understand themselves and therefore no longer be afraid. Helping them grow emotionally by doing nothing less than loving them and caring for them.

Jungkook hadn't had that. Instead, he had a locked door in front of him and a lonely room behind him with no one to console or hear him as he cried and cried from the third floor of his cold home.

The moment he tried to swallow and met an obstruction, he placed his hands against Taehyung's chest and tried to pull himself away, knowing he was about to cry. He absolutely refused to cry right now, the thought of it enraged him terribly.

But Taehyung only tightened his hold, holding the back of his head with the hand that had been caressing it.

- Don't run from this, it'll do you much worse than good. My love, tell me everything you're feeling right now. - Jungkook let out a muffled sob against his shoulder. He didn't want to talk about emotional things, he didn't want to cry, he just wanted to... to... to do something stupid. - What do you not want to do right now? -

That Jungkook knew perfectly.

- Cry. - He sounded angry. And, strangely, the sound of his anger angered him even more.

But there was simply no way of denying it or trying to distract him any longer, the burning in his stomach was getting to him in an unhealthy way.

- Alright. Why don't you want to cry? - Through it all, Taehyung remained calm and collected, softly spoken and gentle.

But Jungkook exploded against the neck of his shirt.

- I've cried enough this past week. I want to be happy, I don't want to be thinking about how much Barbie reminds me of my sister or how much that bloke reminded me of Raphael, and most definitely, I don't want to think about my parents or why they've summoned me or why I think Evans is going to be there for some reason, or how... how... - He breathed out, trying to let all his tension go. But it didn't work. He was still disturbed and in great need to use his muscles violently. But this need only frightened him. - I just... want to be... the person I've been this past week with you. That's me, that's really me, that's who I am, I'm not... this... - He restrained himself as best he could, but a sob escaped him in the end. However, no tear left his pained eyes; confusing him and frustrating him.

- Jungkook. - Taehyung said his name, not to call his attention, but as if to make sure his entire self heard him correctly. - What is what you call "this"? -

Once again, the impulse he often had in his room before coming here, came back as if it never left. The impulse to hide in a corner and hug his knees to his chest... while scratching at his arms...

- I thought this had gone away... - Jungkook muttered to himself in horror.

But Taehyung heard him clear as day, and determined to get to the bottom of this, he asked again.

- What, Jungkook? Tell me what it is. - His calm was slowly letting his worry show through.

He'd never explained it before, but he had to do it now. For Taehyung, for himself, for the pair of them.

Jungkook breathed deeply, earning a caress along the back, and tried to explain it.

- It...is like a–... Like I need to punch a wall or drag my nails against something or fight somebody or jump out my window and run until I get to the train rails and scream... I've had it since I was little, and... I thought... I thought it had gone away... when we met. It felt like it had. Like... having you hugging me and touching me had been what I needed to get rid of this. But I'm feeling it again... and I hate it, I hate it, I don't want it, I don't... I don't... - He sobbed, but no tears fell. And he hated not being able to cry now that he wanted to, he hated it so much.

Once again he tried to push himself away from Taehyung, and this time he nearly succeeded. But then Taehyung shortened the distance again and plunged them sideways onto the couch until Jungkook was beneath him and he was between his legs, pinning him down.

Jungkook was still processing what had happened when Taehyung placed his palm over his eyes and started whispering against his ear.

- Shhhh... Shhhh... Breathe for me... Breathe in... - Jungkook did, shakily; hastily. - Breathe out slowly... slowly... that's right, that's very good. - Surprisingly, it had been as if Taehyung's hand had muffled the voice in his head when he placed it over his eyes. - Breathe in again...slowly... Good. Now, let it go... That's very good, Jungkook, just like that... - Without Jungkook even realizing, the tension was easing away. - Do one more for me. Breathe in... Very good... Now breathe out... Thank you, my Love. - He kissed his temple and, even though Jungkook still felt an obstruction in his throat, he wasn't angry anymore. He wasn't panicking anymore. - Now, my Angel, could you please tell me if you feel looser? Calmer? -

Jungkook nodded once.

- Thank you. That's very good, isn't it? Do you like this feeling? - Jungkook nodded again, feeling his previous tears falling, at last, wetting Taehyung's hand. - Kooky, tell me, can you feel this? - He kissed his temple again. Jungkook nodded, feeling his body still going looser. - Thank you. I'm very happy that you can. And, can you hear this? - He got closer to his ear and whispered even lower. - I love you. - The corner of Jungkook's lips lifted and he nodded. - You can? That's wonderful, isn't it? You like what you heard? - He nodded once more and Taehyung kissed his temple again. - Good, my Love. I want to ask you something else, you see, this morning I opened up a new cologne but I'm not so sure about the smell, could you tell me if you like it? -

Jungkook felt him lifting himself a bit more as if leaving his neck right over his nose. Jungkook breathed in and smelled what he had been smelling since they met this morning; a manly but subtle smell. Along with his natural, woodsy scent. Jungkook breathed it in deeply a couple of times before feeling Taehyung moving back down again, nearing his ear.

- Do you like this one? - Jungkook, a bit drunkenly, nodded. - Really? I'm really glad, my Love. Then I'll keep using it. -

Jungkook knew exactly what he was doing. And his tears were because he was simply too in love with Taehyung to even subconsciously keep them in.

Taehyung was keeping him in the present, liberating him from his thoughts.

- My Love... - He muttered and then, gently, lifted his hand from his eyes. Jungkook blinked a few times to take the blurriness away and then locked stares with Taehyung's as the latter smiled softly. - Can you see me? - Jungkook nodded with a giggle. - And do you like what you see? -

Jungkook felt him drying his tears with his thumb and answered,

- I love what I see. -

Taehyung smiled even warmer at him.

- Focus on me, my Angel. If I'm with you, focus on me and you'll be just fine. - Jungkook swallowed and nodded, believing him. - If I'm not, focus on your breathing and you'll be just as fine. But just remember that you are fine, you are ok. You're unbound, your friends are here, I am here; just say the word and I'll reconnect you with the present. I think I'm a bit better at it, now that I've done my research. - He smiled, a bit proud of himself.

And Jungkook smiled too.

- You... - But it faded a little bit. - Do you know what's wrong with me? -

Taehyung's smile faded a bit too.

- Nothing's wrong with you, my Angel. -

It sounded as if he believed what he said. But...

- You said you've done your research. What research? - His eyebrows furrowed. - If you... If you know how to stop it, you must know what it is, don't you? -

Why was he even asking this? He doesn't want to know what exactly was wrong with him, he really doesn't.

But Taehyung shook his head.

- Hey, hey, look at me, look... Would I lie to you, my Love? - Jungkook looked into those eyes... and found no lie. - See? I genuinely don't know what exactly it is that causes you to feel like you just had, the only thing I did was to research your symptoms and found that it was either panic or anxiety, nothing else. I've had it too. That's why I say that there's nothing wrong with you because there really isn't. Sure, for health reasons, no one should have either, but that doesn't make you wrong, Kooky, it just makes you human. An anxious little human who needs all the love this world can give him, alright? There's nothing wrong with needing love. I'm here to give it all to you. - And he smiled softly again. He smiled genuinely, truthfully, lovingly, warmly... He smiled, and Jungkook's worry softened away again.

Jungkook loved him so much...

He sighed, closing his eyes, feeling exhausted all of a sudden.

- ...my head hurts. -

- I'll give you something right away. - Taehyung said gently and then kissed him chastely on the lips before straightening up and walking towards the kitchen.

Jungkook then pulled himself back until his head was propped up on the arm of the couch and he could see out the window through that same slit in the curtains. And he pondered just how long it will rain today.

At the exact same time, the door guards of the second east gate had just seen a black car exit the university. They still laughed as they played their cards and talked about just how long that car would take to reach the young boy and girl who were going by foot. Some were betting, others kept playing, but one of them noticed something odd.

There was the sound of rain coming from outside the guardhouse, but no sight of rain falling from the windows looking at the street.

Slowly, the laughter faded into silence as others noticed the abnormality as well. But it wasn't until the one making the coffee walked over to the door and opened it, that they finally put down their cards.

It was raining... from the black gates to the inside. Only at the university.

- Leo–

- Oh, no. - He exclaimed as he reentered the man's bathroom, closing the door.

Finn stayed outside for the second time with only the memory of Leo's wide eyes looking straight at him for a single moment before hiding away again.

He had no idea what to do. Leaning against the wall once more, he frowned desperately at the high, ornate ceiling as he begged for an idea to come to mind, but his thoughts were all over the place. He wanted to keep it simple and easy between them, but Leo was in such constant panic that they had missed an entire class while in this same position: Leo in the bathroom, Finn in the corridor. And he couldn't really understand why he had started to act this way all of a sudden.

Well, truthfully, it wasn't all of a sudden. He'd been quieter and more fidgety since they woke up, but it had been sudden when from one moment to the next, Leo took off running to the closest bathroom.

Finn had been somewhat calm as he waited the first five minutes, but when those five turned to fifteen, he started to worry, and when those fifteen turned to thirty, he began to feel anxious himself. He was sure in his heart of hearts that what they had done the night before hadn't been bad in the slightest but the complete contrary, however, he still felt anxious about...Leo.

That's why he hadn't entered after him even if not a single person had walked thru this corridor for the whole hour and something they'd been here. He was ashamed of thinking this but... he was afraid. He knows why Leo reacts violently sometimes, he knows him better now, but that doesn't take away the physical pain of a punch. And Finn had his reasons for fearing people who were physically bigger and stronger than him.

He'd been heavily beaten before.

But he shook his head and cleared it away. Leo was not like other guys, Leo had heard him speaking gently and hadn't reacted badly, he'd heard that he did ballet and didn't show any sign of discomfort, he'd laid down with him as they talked, he'd opened up and found comfort in his presence. Leo was not at all like people he'd encountered before, and Finn doesn't believe he could ever become such.

...So why was he still outside?

Leo was in clear distress, he had run to a bathroom and got afraid when he saw him waiting for him. What should he do then? Go inside and help him calm down or go away so he could get out by himself? But then, if Leo's afraid of seeing him there, wouldn't it make things worse if Finn left? The next time Leo sees him, he'll react just as scared if he left now. He had to enter, regardless of how afraid he was of getting punched in the face again, he had to do it for their friendship. He had to do it... because Leo was the first friend he's had in a while.

Stilling himself for what he was about to do, Finn took a deep breath -feeling the cut on the corner of his lips when he pursed them-, turned around, and entered the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

There was no one else in any cubicle, only Leo, hunched over on one of the sinks closest to the far wall.

Leo sighed deeply with his eyes closed as if in pain and then asked.

- Why are you still here? - The whisper was audible in their solitude.

Finn calmed down when he saw that Leo wasn't angry, and muttered back.

- I won't leave without you. - Simple but... for Finn, it meant more than that. This friendship meant more to him than he could explain.

Leo lowered his head even more.

- You should. -

A fierce determination flared up in Finn as he stepped closer.

- I won't. -

When Leo heard the footsteps, his eyes opened wide and he leaped back from him, ending against the far wall.

Finn stopped walking; confused, worried, and unable to understand. He shook his head as he frowned.

- If it's about yesterday, we–

- You have no idea what happened yesterday. - Leo said, hastily and fiercely, and then seemed unable to look him in the eyes again as he lowered his head with a grimace.

- Then... tell me. - Finn wasn't sure if they were talking about the same thing anymore. - Tell me and we can fix it together. -

Leo let out a humorless chuckle.

- There's nothing to fix. The damage is done. I can't... - He screwed up his face in an effort not to cry, but his legs failed him and he slid to the floor.

Finn saw this with increasing worry and tried again to take another step. But Leo pushed his legs close to his chest at once.

- Did I... Did I do something...? - Finn tried to guess, but Leo wasn't giving him anything.

Leo didn't answer immediately. He took a deep breath and smoothed his expression as he shook his head.

- You're not leaving, that's what you're doing. -

- Yeah, because it would be ridiculous. -

Leo looked up at him, disbelieving.

- What if I want to be left alone? -

Finn tilted his head to the side and then sat down on the floor where he was.

- You do want to be left alone, Leo. - He sighed. - And I'm staying because running away it's not an option. At least not to me. And this is a "we" situation so you can't just hide away and tell me to go. -

- I can tell you to go. - He fought back, placing his forearms over his knees. - You're right, this is a "we" thing, meaning that not only what you want matters here. -

- Exactly. - The corner of Finn's mouth lifted a bit. Even if Leo was far from amused. - What you want matters, Leo. You said it just right. -

- Well then... - He looked flabbergasted. - Go! I'm telling you that I want you gone. -

Finn didn't flinch at the shout, nor did he stand up. He simply shook his head as he looked directly into his eyes.

- You don't want me gone. -

Leo scoffed and turned his head.

- Quite full of yourself, aren't you? -

Neither his words nor his actions were hurtful to Finn. Because he could see the truth.

- You're trying to fight me so I'll leave. - Leo didn't answer. - You're trying to get angry with me so it'll be easier for you to leave. -

- Stop it. - He shook his head, closing his eyes again.

Because the truth was too hard to hear sometimes.

- Stop what, Leo? -

- Stop following me around like a lost dog! - He exploded a little. But the truth was that there were unshed tears in his eyes when he opened them up.

Finn took a deep breath, feeling surer than when he had been outside; feeling much more confident about everything when he could see Leo. Because he could see the truth between his lies.

- What happened yesterday, Leo? - The latter's breath stopped short. - What happened that was way worse than you hitting me? What happened that we haven't talked about and understood together? -

- Stop, stop, stop... - Leo muttered as he lowered his head as if he wanted to hide between his knees.

Could it be... what happened in the bathroom? That which he wouldn't talk about the night before?

- You know I'll listen, you know I'll try to understand. Come on, tell me. -

- I can't. - He tightened his fists.

Finn swallowed when he saw this but spoke nevertheless.

- Fine, don't tell me then. But then you have no right in pushing me away. - Leo looked up and frowned, not understanding right. - If this is a "we" situation and what we both want matters, then we must always meet in the middle. Meaning that neither of us has the right to make the other do something they don't want to do. You don't want to talk and you want me to go, and I want you to talk and to stay, so, the middle would be that either you stay silent and I stay with you, or you talk and I'll leave. -

Finn finishes tensely, hating this truth, unwilling to leave even if he gets told what happened yesterday, but knowing he'll go with whatever Leo chooses. He wasn't smiling anymore, he wasn't amused, there was only pain in Finn's chest at the mere possibility that Leo could end up choosing the second option and he'll be left all alone once again.

He begged silently as he looked at him, waiting for him to choose.

Leo's eyes turned sadder the more he looked into his own. Finn knew he didn't want him to leave, he knew it.

Leo thought and thought, breathing getting heavier, eyes getting damper, fists getting tighter, until he couldn't stay quiet anymore.

- How can you make me choose between those two options? - He looked down at his knees. - Either I stay with the knowledge and watch you make a mistake by staying or I'll tell you just how awful I can get and see you leave with that knowledge in your possession... Neither is fair. -

Finn bit his bottom lip but forced himself to talk.

- There's a third option. -

- Yeah. - Leo cut across him. - The one where you just leave. -

- Alright then, there's a fourth option. - Finn continued confidently. And Leo frowned at the floor. - The one where you tell me and we both figure it out... together, Leo. -

Leo placed his hands over his face and sighed deeply, resting his head back against the wall.

- Why are you so determined to stay with someone like me? - He lowered them and Finn could see just how red the skin around his eyes was, even without having shed any tears. - You know how messed up I am. But you have no idea just how messed up I can get. - It sounded like a warning. He said it as such and intended it to be that, but Finn simply let out a cold chuckle, stunning him.

- You have no idea just how messed up I used to be. - Leo sat still, wide-eyed, his eyebrows furrowed in the middle. As if paying close attention but also not able to believe what he said. - Trust me... I've lived through way worse people than what you think of yourself. So, if I say that I'll stay, I'll fucking stay, Leo. Until you either do something inhuman to me or either of us dies. - He shrugged, trying to downcast his own pain at the memories. - I'll stay because I can see that you want me to stay, understood? -

- ...no. - He whispered as he shook his head a little. - I... Has anyone ever... done something...? -

He had caught exactly what Finn didn't want him to. But he took a deep breath.

- Tell me your secret and I'll tell you mine. -

- You know what? - Leo sat up better. - This is stupid. I have something I don't want to say but you want to know and vice versa; this is just going in circles by now. I really don't want to tell you this and I reckon you should leave me, but no, you'll stay even if it's a terrible decision simply because you're used to terrible decisions and pain is just an old friend– How do you think that makes me feel, huh? To know that you're staying even if you know it's the wrong decision. To know that you know I could end up either doing something sick, or I'll die for my own stupidity, and still, you stay. I literally... I literally hit you in the face yesterday. I hurt you, the left side of your face is purple, you can't even smile because of the cut on your lip, and you tell me that you'll stay even if you know I could do it again? The only sensible thing to do is to end this, Finn. -

End this?

Finn had enough.

- You're right... this is stupid. - The moment he said this, Leo closed his mouth shut and pursed his lips, looking down at last and nodding once. But Finn wasn't finished. - It's stupid that you think I'm staying because I'm used to the pain, you stupid prick. - Leo snapped his head up at him. - I'm staying because I'm your friend, you idiot. I'm staying because I care about you, I'm staying because I haven't had anybody for years, I'm staying because you make me happy. I'm staying for you and I'm staying for myself, I don't give a bloody fuck about my face right now; bruises are temporary. You managed to hit me because you caught me off guard and even so, I'll still keep my guard down with you. This trust and this feeling and my attachment to you hadn't wavered not even a little bit, not even if it hurts to smile. I decided a while ago that I would stay with you, you prat. - He finished and then stood up. His heart was racing to painful velocities, but he stood his ground and then extended a hand down to him. - Let's go for lunch. And since you're the one responsible for the pair of us missing a whole class, you'll go and ask for notes. -

Leo laughed. It was sudden, short, but entirely honest. And as he chuckled, he lowered his head to his hands again and shook it.

- Why are you doing this to me? - He groaned.

The right corner of Finn's mouth lifted.

- Because, unlike you, I do know what's best for you. -

- Oh, you hypocrite. - Leo laughed again, but his hands slid to his head to pull at his hair. - There's nothing good about being sick. - He muttered.

Finn saw him there, trying to hide away within himself, and couldn't take it anymore. He dropped his hand, walked closer to him, knelt right in front of him, then... placed a hand on his shoulder.

Leo took a deep breath, closing his eyes and folding his hands behind his head.

- Come on. - He spoke softly. And Leo frowned with his eyes closed. - Why hide away from me? -

- Cause I don't want to hurt you... again. - He whispered back, his pain visible.

- You're hurting me by pushing me away. -

Leo opened his eyes, stopping Finn's breath at how blue they were. But such sadness...

- I could hurt you way worse if you stayed. -

- I doubt it. -

- Finn... - He sighed.

- Please. - All the fight left his body and now both hands were grabbing both of his shoulders. - Please don't say things like I'll be better off without you. I won't. You'll be hurting me way worse if you make me leave, I promise you. -

- So then what? - Tears threatened to fall from his eyes as he slid his hands from his neck to his lap. - You'll be in danger if you stay but then you'll be in pain if you leave, what can I do then? I'm the problem here. -

- The problem is that you think you're the problem and so you start to push me away. I'm not in danger by staying, Leo. You just don't trust yourself. -

- You're right, I don't trust myself. -

- Then let me help you trust yourself. Let me help you, Leo. This is a "we", remember? -

Leo closed his eyes again, shaking his head in grief as if he couldn't see a way out of this. Finn was ready to keep talking, to keep pleading, but then Leo did something he didn't expect.

He lifted a hand and held his wrist tightly.

Finn waited for him to push his hand away from his shoulder, but it never came. He simply held his wrist tightly as his breathing hardened and, eventually, a tear slid from his closed eye. Instinctively, Finn raised his other hand from his shoulder and caught the tear with his thumb, holding Leo's face like the night before. And, just like the night before, Leo took a sharp breath and tilted his head closer against the palm of his hand.

- You're not alone, Leo. You don't have to fight on your own anymore. - Finn promised him in a gentle voice, and Leo opened his eyes to look at him through the tears. The tears of a guy who'd lived believing weakness to be a sickness and who doesn't know how to open up.

Finn dried all of them with a gentle smile on his face.

Jungkook, the pain in his head subsided, laid over Taehyung's chest and between his legs while the other gave long strokes to his naked back. The only sound came from the rain outside, though the sound was muffled by the windows since Taehyung had closed them tightly before returning to the couch.

It was kind of funny how Jungkook had never realized at least one or two windows always stayed at least partially open even if it rained thru the whole night. Taehyung himself hadn't realized it until now.

Jungkook sighed greatly, fully relaxed and at ease as he heard Taehyung's heartbeat and felt his chest rising and falling at the same rhythm as his hand on his back and the other on his hair. There were still certain thoughts in his mind that he did not like, but he did not care just now.

Just now, he was in his lover's arms; just now, he was being caressed lovingly and gently; just now, he could close his eyes and enjoy. So that's what he did.

- When would you like to eat? -

The vibration of Taehyung's deep voice against his ear made him giggle.

- Not yet. - Was all he muttered before breathing deeply again.

He felt safe and loved. He felt at home, laying here on his chest.

Taehyung pulled him in tighter with both arms and legs to then bury the tip of his nose in his hair. He too took a deep breath and, as he let it go, relaxed deeply. Jungkook was so aware of his touch with his eyes closed that the tip of his finger trailing down his spine sent waves of warmth through his whole body. Gently, Jungkook trailed his hands up to stretch them at each side of Taehyung's head, on the arm of the couch. And the latter took the opportunity to caress his sides with open palms, paying close attention to the curve of his waist every time he went up and down.

Jungkook swallowed and, helping himself with his hands, pulled himself up a little bit to rest his cheek on Taehyung's shoulder, touching his neck with his lips while feeling the corner of Taehyung's against his forehead. Slowly, he felt the latter's grin before his soft hands turned to gentle claws and he started to caress his back with his nails. Jungkook felt his breathing get heavier every time they got close to the hem of his pants. He could feel himself getting aroused as if being cooked on a low fire. Jungkook then trailed one hand down slowly while he grinned; caressing the side of his neck and trailing the neck of his shirt until he got to the first button, undoing it easily with one movement of his wrist and leaving a chaste kiss right where his lips were touching his neck.

Taehyung reached up with one hand and tangled his fingers through his hair while the other caressed his way down until the tips of his fingers went beneath his pants, teasing the waistband of his underwear. Jungkook's lips parted slightly to let go of a breath before one and two he undid two more buttons, exposing all the way down to his lower chest. Still, with his eyes closed and feeling Taehyung's breathing getting heavier under him, he caressed the smooth skin on his chest with the tips of his fingers, going beneath the open shirt to feel the curve of his muscled pecs, and teasing him a bit with his nails until he felt him shuddering slightly and goosebumps rouse beath his fingers.

Such enthralling physical reactions, the ones he draws from Taehyung. He loves the power this gives him; it's way healthier than the one he had been looking for a while ago, and it has way more benefits. It seems like a lifetime ago when he didn't even enjoy his own touch and he believed no one would want to touch him, but no, it was just a bit more than a week ago. He can still remember that first night he felt true arousal; his skin had been hotter than the steaming shower and his mind had been foggier than the bathroom mirror. But none of that would've been possible without Taehyung. Sitting on top of him, teasing him, having control, and then losing it at times, was all it took to awaken his own libido. And since then, his lust for him had only mounted.

One and two, two more buttons were undone easily by his eager hand. Now opened to the middle of his abdomen, Jungkook tried opening the shirt by Taehyung's shoulder -the one where he wasn't resting over- and caressed his way down his side with his nails. Meanwhile, Taehyung took a deep breath and turned his head a little to his forehead as the hand that had been in Jungkook's hair trailed down and down his back until it met the other on the edge of his pants. But his hands never went beyond the edge of his underwear.

Jungkook smiled softly against his neck and his hand caressed its way up until he took hold of the other side of Taehyung's face.

- A week ago today, - He murmured. - I was holding your face for the first time. -

Taehyung chuckled and reached up a hand to press it against the back of his.

- And the journey it began. - He murmured in wonder, sighed, and hugged him tightly. - Honestly... I know we'll conquer whatever comes our way, I know we will... But... that doesn't take the fear away. - Jungkook's smile softened. - I'm not afraid that we might not win. I'm afraid of what we'll have to do to get there. I'm afraid... of what these strangers and their tattoos will do to a life I'm desperate to keep calm. I'm afraid of what might happen to you, or my kids, or even to my family. Don't worry. - He said when he felt Jungkook trying to straighten up to look at him. - I'm not upset right now, I'm free from worry when I have you like this; tight to me and relaxed. - Jungkook sighed, calming down again and listening. - I'm fully aware that nothing is stopping us from enjoying this time, right now. And yet, I know well that I might just be procrastinating thinking about what might happen next. -

- I feel the same. - Jungkook sighed, having nothing else to say on the matter. He too knew the fear, it was right there beneath the surface, but unlike what was happening some while ago, it wasn't attacking him anymore. Not in Taehyung's arms. Jungkook then tilted his head back so his lips would trail up until they stopped right beside Taehyung's ear, so he could whisper. - I adore you. -

Taehyung took a sharp breath, letting go of the back of his hand to hold the back of his head.

- I thought I knew beauty, but then I met you. - Jungkook chuckled softly and kissed the helix of his ear. - I had lived a foolish life for I never knew love before you came. - Jungkook lost a breath and reached down to kiss his neck. - I was blind before I saw you, deaf before I heard your laugh, dead before you gave me life, my Love. - Jungkook pulled aside his shirt and kissed the base of his neck with the whole intention of marking him. - Mhh... I... - Taehyung panted. - I never knew desire... until an Angel kissed my lips. -

With both hands, he took Jungkook's head gently and brought him up so their lips could finally meet. 

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 64 <3<3<3 

<3Happy 1 year and 5 months anniversary<3

Your devoted writer,

Ela Shadow Rose 🥀

Go ahead with the next Chapter ->->->