In Tutum Est

A Safe Place

- I am so disappointed in you, Jungkook. -

Jungkook flinched. It wasn't often that his father said those words, so when he did, they stung worse than ever. Given the fact that he had previously worked very hard for him to say that he was proud, now...

- Not even two days and you're already picking fights with people. Your Mother and I were in denial, telling ourselves that the problem was the school, that the problem was those other children, but this... - He turned around, and Jungkook was looking down at the desk. - This only proves that the problem was you all along, son. Tom, -

- Y-yes, Sir. - He stammered.

- Who threw the first punch? -

- Umm... Jungkook, Sir. -

- Jungkook, of course. - He sighed. - Did you do something to make him upset? -

- Yes, I think I made fun of him, Sir. -

- You think? -

- Well, I--

- You just made a little joke that was of bad taste and he flung himself at you? -

- Something like that. I–

His father slammed a hand down on his desk making them all jump. Jungkook nearly fell to his knees at the muscle memory that cursed thru his body.

- Jungkook, I know you're the most violent of my children and I haven't said too much about it but I will not tolerate this behavior in my University. If you put one foot out of line, if I find that you have been getting into fights inside this University... Well, you don't want me to finish, do you? - Jungkook shook his head hastily. His father rounded the desk and walked closer to him until he was right in front of him. - I only want to give the best to you, Jungkook. - His voice got softer. - You are my youngest son. My son. - Jungkook nodded to the floor. - I only want to give the best to you, but for that to happen, you have to give me the best of you, and this is not it, Jungkook. This is the worst part of you. You understand, right? - Jungkook nodded again. Then his father went back behind his desk. - I will let you go from this office with a warning and I want a promise from both of you stating that you won't get in trouble again. Understood? -

Jungkook remained silent for a moment, so Tom answered first.

- ...Yes, Sir. I promise you I won't get in any trouble again. -

Jungkook tried to speak once, but nothing came out. He cleared his throat and tried again.

- Yes... Sir... I–... I'll try. - That was all he promised. But that had sufficed as his father sat down on his chair again.

- Professor Taehyung, you did well. Keep an eye on my son for me, will you? -

- Yes, Sir. I will. - Taehyung said in a determined voice while he straightened his suit jacket.- Perfect. You can leave now. All of you. -

Jungkook was the first to turn around but Taehyung was the first to open the door for them. Tom and Taehyung went straight to the elevators, but Jungkook took a fast pace to the stairs that were visible at the end of the corridor on his left.

He felt cold, humiliated, and attacked both physically and mentally, his face was in pain, his lip had stopped bleeding but it hurt to move his mouth, his stomach was screaming at him in hunger and pain for the blow it received, and his head was pounding and his eyes couldn't produce more tears. He felt miserable, he thought he could start a new life and the only thing he got was a worse version of the old one.

When he was five or older, he remembers wanting to be with his family. That was all he longed for, having a family that loved him and cared for him in ways that weren't material. When he was eight, he remembers losing his temper, that was the year he got tired of the sneers and the jokes and, most of all, the lack of attention, it was a particular kind of attention the one he was looking for, but he was terrible in his methods, screaming at everybody and skipping classes.

When he was eleven, he started to lie about being sick most of the time so they would call his parents. It worked for the first few times, but then his parents stopped coming for him and just sent a car to take him either home or to the hospital. But he wanted his parents to do it, he wanted his parents to care, he was so desperate that he even wanted to get them worried so he could see they cared about him, but he did all that to no avail. When he was twelve he met Leo and Emily, he found a brother and a sister, he found a father and a mother, and he was so happy to have people to hear him and console him, to care for him not because his parents paid them to do so but because they wanted to. And then he lost them just as fast when he had to move away. He was left in a dark and lonely place in his head where he didn't care whether or not his parents even cared anymore about what happened to him.

There came the time when he stopped trying to get his parents' attention, he still cared about whether or not they really loved him, but he stopped seeking reassurance. The family therapy they had to cure his depression when he was twelve had been a step in the right direction. But they stopped walking together. And Jungkook kept on lying for his own good. It was better for them to think he was a troublemaker because he liked the fight more than because he wanted his parents' attention.

But now he was looking at the consequences of his lies. His parents really believed he was violent and he could do nothing about it. If he went to them right now and confessed, they wouldn't believe him, they would just say he was saying it because he wanted their sympathy, and even if that were true it would just make things worse. They hated weak people, they hated pitiful people who begged and wallowed in self-pity, and they would hate Jungkook if he told them he had been trying to get their attention for all of these years.

It wouldn't make sense in their eyes, Jungkook was sure of it. That reason didn't even make sense to Jungkook anymore, and it would raise the question: Why did he start to fight so suddenly? and Why was he trying to get the attention of two people who weren't even there to see him injured? And so he would have to explain how he continued with the fights as a way of feeling something physically, and how he felt terrible in his skin when he wasn't hugged for long periods. But then they would ask: If he really wanted to be in connection with people, why was he always locked up in his room? And he would have to answer that it was because he had a lot of things to hide, starting with the paintings of... of men...

His life was a pit full of lies and secrets. And he will have to keep living that way. It was either walking into a room and locking himself inside or being thrown into a cell by someone else. And he will have to keep living this way... forever... until the day he dies of overwork just like his grandfather did before he was even born.

- Mr. Jeon--

Jungkook got startled and he almost tripped down the stairs... if it hadn't been for the strong hands that held him by the waist and pulled him back on the stairs.

Jungkook froze. He could recognize those hands on his waist. Just this morning, he felt them there for the first time.

Softly, Taehyung let go of him and walked down one step lower than the one Jungkook was in, placing himself right in front of him. Jungkook averted his eyes. He would've let himself fall into Taehyung's arms if it wasn't because of where they were, and because of how embarrassed he was at how he looked. And also because of Taehyung's reaction when he knew he'd been keeping things from him since the beginning.

- Do you need me to accompany you into the hospital wing, Mr. Jeon? -

Mr. Jeon. Jungkook wanted to throw himself down the stairs. Hearing Taehyung calling him that way, with so much cold politeness, was making him want to get away from him because this... this was not his Taehyung.

Jungkook swallowed the ball forming in his throat.

- I don't want to go there. - He unconsciously tried to bite his lip, but hissed in pain and raised a hand to his mouth.

- Very well, but you do need medical care. Would you--... - The way Taehyung caught himself short made Jungkook look at him. He looked how he sounded, cold and distant, but Jungkook could see a flicker of uncertainty at what he was about to say. Jungkook couldn't think this day could get any worse so he just went for it.

- What is it? -

He didn't know what he wanted to hear, a part of him wanted Taehyung to leave him and never come back, and the other, the agonizing one, the part that feels a strange but strong connection to this man, wanted Taehyung to cure him himself. And he shouldn't want this, he was wrong for Taehyung, he was a liar and he kept secrets, he had more family issues than he could count and his past was filled with things that were better left unsaid.

And yet, he was so selfish that he wanted Taehyung for himself, because he makes him feel safe and free, and wanted, and heard... and held...

He was looking down at Taehyung with what felt like all the pain he had to endure that day alone, and Taehyung let go of the breath he was holding.

- Come with me. - He said in that tense voice and then turned around to keep going down the stairs. Jungkook followed behind him, feeling a teensy bit better, but not knowing what to expect.

They walked in silence. Jungkook passed a hand over his injured mouth and felt dried blood making him feel disgusting. When they were walking through the corridor in front of the garden that separated the first building from the library, he saw in the distance in front of them the sign of a bathroom. He was about to tell Taehyung he wanted to clean his face, but looking at Mr. Kim's tense back made him think he shouldn't.

With a jolt, Jungkook realized why he felt like this and he wasn't pleased about it.

Taehyung was reminding him of his father.

Determined to change that, Jungkook tapped Taehyung's shoulder and pointed to the bathroom. Taehyung stopped walking and moved one step back to allow Jungkook entrance.

But he hadn't even opened the door fully when he heard the loud talk of guys coming out of it.

- Yeah. Some first years got into a fight. -

- No way! Where? -

- In the rooms. -

- What you reckon it was for? -

- Some girl, no doubt. -

Jungkook closed the door and turned around, his breathing getting fast again. The news had traveled so fast that it even reached the first building. He felt so exposed.

Taehyung got right in front of him, making him look up, and, with a soft tilting of the head, motioned for Jungkook to keep walking. Jungkook did and pulled the neck of his shirt to cover his mouth.

They did what appeared to be the same path leading to the Students' living area but at the east side of the Library. While they were nearing three black glass double doors, he realized where they were going. This was the Professors' living area, students couldn't come here unless authorized by a Professor. Jungkook didn't know if the fluttering in his stomach was due to nerves because he was about to be in Taehyung's room... or because he was about to faint from hunger. For his peace of mind, he chose to believe the latter.

When he saw that the doors could only be opened by a card Taehyung put against the glass, his eyes widened. Then they walked inside and, instead of having the stairs right in front like the Students' living area did, this had elevators. At that moment, while Taehyung and himself were walking straight toward the elevators, some teachers were walking from one door to the right to another at his left.

As he looked closely inside the room that appeared to be the professors' work room, he saw someone–... and looked away, carefully. They hadn't made eye contact but his heart was pumping faster than before.

He doesn't know him, he doesn't know him, he's just some friend of his father.

Once they were in front of the elevator doors, he noticed by the side of his eye that Taehyung was looking at him, so he turned to look at him as well.

- Do you want us to take the stairs? They're around the corner over there. - Jungkook looked at him and his breathing began to calm down.

He looked around to make sure they were alone, and shook his head, nodding at the elevators. Even if he wasn't acting like himself, Taehyung's presence made him feel slightly better.

But not that much safer.

Jungkook looked around the top of the elevator and found a tiny security camera on the far left corner, and then he stood right beneath it. Thinking back, he remembered that the encyclopedias and classroom C123 didn't have any cameras, and he gave a silent sigh of relief.

They were only going to the second floor, nevertheless, it took a considerable amount of time to get there, and, without being able to bite his lip, Jungkook took to scratching the dried blood out of the palm of his hand. Then the doors opened and Taehyung walked out, taking his keys out of his pocket. Jungkook followed and saw how on the wide floor there were only four doors, two in front and one on each side. The one Taehyung was unlocking read Mr. Kim and the other one... Mr. O'Connor? Jungkook jolted with excitement and hoped to see him soon.

Once he opened the door, Taehyung looked back at him, waiting for him to get inside first. Jungkook did, looking at the floor. But, once he was inside, he looked up, and his eyes widened.

It was one of those apartments with little to no walls inside, the ceiling was high, the windows were just as tall and they reminded Jungkook of the ones at Taehyung's classroom with round tops, in the middle of the wall of windows there was a traditional looking, white marble, fireplace. The apartment looked beautiful, but it oddly felt like no one lived there, only the bed in the far right corner of the room looked used.

Jungkook heard the clicking of a door being locked behind him and, suddenly, all his senses magnified. He heard Taehyung's footsteps getting closer to him, heard a deep sigh, and then Taehyung walked around to stand in front of him.

They looked into each other's eyes and Jungkook could only see Mr. Kim, so he gave him Mr. Jeon. Taehyung reached up a hand to the one Jungkook was using to hide his mouth, and held it with his fingertips. Then, gently, he lowered it, revealing his blood-stained face. He let go of his hand and, with one finger under his chin, raised Jungkook's face, looking intently at the injury.

- The bleeding stopped. That's good... - Taehyung's deep voice was lower as he focused. Having this stranger in front of him looking at his lips like that made Jungkook feel annoyed. He would only let the real Taehyung do that. - We'll need to clean this first. Follow me. - And he let go, walking to a door at the right, in front of what would be the bedroom.

Jungkook noticed the pile of boxes beside the door he hadn't noticed before. Apparently, Taehyung hadn't had the time to organize any of this. He saw him opening the door and walking inside, so he followed. When he was close enough, he realized it was the bathroom, a wide and luxurious bathroom, though it had the air of a hotel bathroom rather than a house bathroom. It had a shower in the far right corner, a toilet by its left, a bathtub in front of it beside the door, an open door leading to a walk-in closet that looked empty, and two sinks under a wide mirror parallel from the entrance door. Taehyung had just kneeled down to get something out of the drawers when Jungkook, having lost his cover, saw his reflection in the mirror.

- Ugh... - He muttered in disgust and averted his eyes immediately, closing them. He felt so ashamed of letting Taehyung see him like this. His arms around him were pushing down hard on his abdomen, making his injury hurt. But, when he felt a touch on one of them, he opened his eyes and saw Taehyung in front of him, trying to loosen his grip around himself with his fingertips.

- Don't be so harsh on yourself. -

Jungkook loosened his grip. That has been his Taehyung. He felt what could be described as homesickness when he heard that soft, concerned voice and felt how Taehyung's fingers brushed against his skin. Then Taehyung turned around and got closer to the sink, leaving him cold again.

- Come over here, please. -

Jungkook did, reluctantly.

He was tired. But the moment they connected their eyes beside the sink, he felt alert. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to act, and he hated that feeling of uncertainty with Taehyung, it felt wrong.

Turning his head back down to the sink, he opened the tap and let the water clean the blood from his hand, sighing at the monotony of it, then dried them on his jeans and straightened up to see Taehyung with a damp towel in his hand.

- You can lean over here if you want. - He sounded monotone, distant. Jungkook leaned against the sink and looked at the floor, somehow having Taehyung acting so distant was making him feel dead inside as if he really lost Taehyung...

He took a deep shuddering breath. Then Taehyung placed a finger under his chin and began cleaning his face with the damp towel.

Jungkook frowned.

Mr. Kim was curing his student. But Taehyung was the one cleaning his face. If he wanted to leave him, what was he doing?

- Why did you bring me here? - Jungkook asked and then looked to his side. Taehyung was fixedly looking at his cheek, his face focused and impassive.

- To give you medical assistance. You said you didn't want to go to the hospital wing, but you still needed to. -

Jungkook snorted, the tiredness and sadness making him short-tempered.

- Taehyung's actions are contradicting Mr. Kim's words I'm afraid. - The towel stopped and Taehyung's eyes looked up at him. But Jungkook needed him to drop the act as soon as possible. - Why are you trying to act like a teacher all of a sudden? Is it because I'm a Jeon? The third Jeon kid? If that's the case, now you know why I was keeping it a secret. -

Taehyung leaned his head back a little and looked down at him.

- I only wish to help you, Mr. Jeon. -

Jungkook leaned away from the sink, incensed. And turned right in front of Taehyung.

- I don't need help to clean my face so delicately. - He saw a flicker, one flicker of feeling crossing Taehyung's eyebrows for a second, one flicker of displeasure, but, just as fast, he averted his eyes and became stoic again.

- I don't know what you want me to say, Mr. Jeon. I brought you here to give you the medical assistance you were so reluctant to get, that was all. - Jungkook felt like throwing himself out of a window.

- I'm leaving. - He turned around, but Taehyung grabbed him by the wrist, keeping him in place.

- You can't. I have to give you medical--

- Taehyung... - Jungkook turned around and looked at him, full of pain and anger. - I cannot take any more bullshit today. I got into a fight physically and emotionally, my lip was cut open, my stomach is killing me, I almost suffocated, my mother didn't give a damn, my father told me he was disappointed in me, and now you are acting like a fucking robot. Right now, you're acting just like any other moron I've ever met instead of the kind man I adore. -

After he realized what he said, he lowered his head, horrified.

- I want to disappear. - He whispered to himself.

- Jungkook... -

Jungkook looked up rapidly and finally saw Taehyung, with sorrow on his face.

- I just--... You're my boss's son. -

- And does that make you hate me? -

- No. I only meant--

- Does my parentage make me less of who I am? Who you know? Does that make it seem harder for you to be with me? Are you afraid? Is that it? -

- No, I'm not afraid. - He said honestly, but then his eyes filled with uncertainty. - I just don't know what to--... I mean... He told me to keep an eye on you. -

- Taehyung, tell me what you're really thinking, tell me what you feel... what you want. - His voice got tinier in the end and he looked down. Then he felt how Taehyung held his face with one hand, his whole warm hand against Jungkook's cold cheek, and lifted his head to look at him. His eyes were open and deep, alight with feeling; a painful feeling.

- I want to take care of you. - His sincerity ran as deep as the gratitude Jungkook had heard coming from him, and his heart melted.

- Please do. - He nearly pleaded, tilting his head against Taehyung's hand.

Taehyung's eyes filled with an emotion he couldn't decipher. But, for him, it was close to being relief. Just like he was, relieved that he hadn't lost him, relieved that Taehyung wanted to take care of him so sincerely, just how he wanted to be cared for.

- Then come back here, this wound needs to be cleaned up. -

This time, Jungkook felt much better when he leaned against the sink, and while he let Taehyung clean his cheek softly, he got curious about something.

- How do you know how to clean wounds like these? - He looked sideways at him and saw how one corner of his mouth lifted.

- My mother taught me. She did it so many times for me that I learned how to do it myself. And I am a father of two children who know nothing about how to move carefully outdoors. - He snickered. The way his eyes softened while he talked about his children made Jungkook fill with endearment. And with embarrassment.

- I'm sorry if I was a bit too harsh. -

Taehyung shrugged one shoulder.

- You were harsh enough. I was treating you... - He trailed away somberly. - I didn't know... how to act. I didn't know what would be appropriate or... - He got quiet shaking his head. Then he went again to run the towel under the water.

- Acting like yourself is really appropriate, remember that next time. -

Taehyung chuckled and moved back to him.

- I'll try to. - He muttered as he went back to clean around Jungkook's wound.

Jungkook sighed.

- Haaa... That Mr. Kim and I don't get along. -

Taehyung frowned, confused.

- What do you mean exactly when you say Mr. Kim? - He changed the side of the towel and Jungkook felt the dry part against his skin.

- Well, Mr. Kim is strict and... tense. Angry-looking. He reminds me of my father. But the worst bits. - Taehyung's frown depended.- But Taehyung is... kind, selfless, brave, funny, he's a nurse too. - He chuckled and felt his cheeks heating up so he averted his eyes.

- I think I also know the difference between Jungkook and Mr. Jeon. - He finished cleaning up Jungkook's face and left the towel on the sink stepping in front of him, though Jungkook was looking at their shoes. - Mr. Jeon seems to be a bit violent, angry, and tends to talk back rather recklessly. I also think he lies a lot and has a lot of secrets. - Jungkook's eyebrows lifted, feeling slightly abashed. - But Jungkook... - A light chuckle left Taehyung, making Jungkook look up at him. - He's kind, gentle, fun, he likes to have his way sometimes... - Taehyung got closer to him, looking deeply into his eyes. - Sometimes he can knock the breath out of you with his poetic words, sometimes he's very straightforward helping you realize things. He loves hugs and soft caresses, he has a talent for painting, he likes to read knowledgeable books about philosophy... -

Jungkook softly covered Taehyung's mouth with the tips of his fingers. He couldn't listen anymore. Taehyung's gaze became deeper by the second and listening to him talking like that was overwhelming for his heart.

- Stop. - Jungkook said softly, and then smiled. - This isn't a competition. -

When Taehyung smiled, he felt it in his fingers. Jungkook moved his hand away and placed it right over his own chest. Then, a mild pounding in his head made him close his eyes in pain.

- Do you have an aspirin? - He opened his eyes again and Taehyung nodded.

- Yeah. You can sit on the couch and I'll fetch it for you. Let me clean this first. -

Taehyung moved aside so Jungkook could go first, and so he left the bathroom. While Jungkook was walking back to the living room he looked around again. It was a beautiful apartment and the bookshelf being the only thing separating the bedroom from the living room was a very pretty idea, though it had no books on it yet.

Jungkook stopped walking and looked around at the boxes, some were open and seemed like Taehyung had taken things out occasionally, so why hadn't he just put those things where they belong? Wouldn't that make finding things way faster? From the corner of his eye, he could see a dark spot on a white surface, he turned around to look at it and realized it was a book over the kitchen counter, he walked closer to it and, before he even got to read the title, he recognized that book to be the one he was trying to take from Taehyung that morning. He couldn't believe how time could move so fast and change so quickly.

When he got to the kitchen counter and grabbed the book in his hands, he smiled. It was a romance novel. "A Knight in Shining Armor", he had only heard of this book because of girls or women talking about it with their friends. Only females. Now he could see why Taehyung was so adamant about not letting him see it that morning. He chuckled as he remembered: "Cuz is not as serious as yours".

Acknowledging how much he had changed in the last three days because he met Taehyung was both terrifying and freeing.

Accepting Taehyung and everything he would bring into his life had been -and sometimes still is- terrifying because it was stuff he never thought possible. But, accepting all of that had been freeing, because he wasn't just giving up the fight against it like painting men, or the need for hugs, he had accepted it. He had accepted the fact that he liked to be held by Taehyung and that he wanted him to hold him again and again. He had accepted the fact that he found Taehyung beautiful beyond belief and that he wants to see him and talk to him all the time. He hadn't been running away from the thought of it until he got tired, he had stopped running, he had looked around, and he had run back to Taehyung's open arms. He had accepted it in his heart, even if it was still scary.

Terrifying because it's new, freeing because it's good.

- Please, don't make fun of me. - Taehyung said behind him with an audible smile. Jungkook left the book on the kitchen counter again and turned around with a taunting smile on his face.

- Oh, I am going to. -

Taehyung rolled his eyes and Jungkook could see he was holding a bottle of pills in his hands.

- Go ahead then. - Taehyung looked back at him and moved his shoulders trying to make himself look ready. Jungkook laughed and slowly walked closer to him.

- So... - Jungkook took step after step and Taehyung's smile got bigger, just waiting for the impact. And when Jungkook was just one step away from him, he whispered. - ...Princesses don't steal, you bad boy. -

Taehyung laughed with a hand over his face, shaking his head. Jungkook smiled as he saw him.

- I didn't steal it. - Taehyung walked past him to the kitchen as he whined.

- You "borrowed it without their knowledge". - Jungkook turned around and went to sit on the couch while Taehyung laughed, filling a glass with water.

- I'll return it later. I just... - Jungkook sat on the very comfortable leather couch and saw how Taehyung was walking toward him, with various things in his hands, a coffee cup filled with water, a bottle of pills, a first aid kit, and a bag of frozen gel. - I didn't realize I had it in my hand until I got here. - He left them carefully on the coffee table in front of the couch. Then looked at Jungkook with uncertainty. - I don't think you should take aspirin with an empty stomach. -

- That's a myth, give me one. - He grimaced and the pain. Taehyung chuckled at the desperate look on Jungkook's face and opened the pill bottle for him, passing him one with the cup of water. - Thank you. -

- Why didn't you want to go to the hospital wing? - Taehyung went to sit down beside him. He finished drinking down the pill and left the glass on the table.

- I don't like hospitals in general. -

Taehyung took the first aid kit.

- Why? - He opened it and started looking around.

- I... It's a long story. - He shook his head. It wasn't that the story was long, it was long because he would have to tell him other stories to answer him completely. Taehyung looked up at him reassuringly.

- I would like to hear all about it if you want to tell me. -

Jungkook averted his eyes with a shy smile.

- And you say I'm the poet. - He muttered under his breath, but Taehyung still chuckled. Then he felt how Taehyung moved closer to him.

- Turn your head this way for me. -

Jungkook did and saw how Taehyung had a cotton swab in his hand. He was looking at his lips and then brought a hand to hold his chin in place. But he stopped when Jungkook smiled.

- It's going to be hard to tell you if I can't move my mouth. - He whispered.

Taehyung smiled and then brushed a thumb across his beaten cheek.

- Then you can tell me later. - He whispered as well and then softly placed the cotton to his cut, making him hiss. - Sorry. - He caressed his cheek with his thumb, then he did it again, but this time Jungkook tried not to jump.

Having his Taehyung this close, looking so intently at his lips, caressing his cheek, and apologizing every time he flinched slightly... Was making Jungkook feel warm, and so cared for, that he found himself gazing at Taehyung's concentrated stare with fondness. No one was like him. And no one has been able to make Jungkook feel what he does.

- I once busted my lip running into a tree. - Taehyung said with a smile and Jungkook had to take his face away from him to laugh even if the strain in his cut lip hurt.

- How...? Why... ? -

Taehyung shook his head, smiling. And Jungkook, calmer, got closer again until he was perched on Taehyung's hand once more.

Taehyung continued working on his lip and told him.

- I think we were playing tag or something and someone was chasing me so I was looking behind me and then when I turned my head around... bang, face first into a tree. Try not to smile, it stretches the wound. - Taehyung had to stop as Jungkook couldn't stop grinning.

- Try not to tell me something so funny, then. -

Taehyung chuckled and let go of him to leave the used cotton swabs on the table and then grabbed an ointment from the emergency kit.

- Do you get into fights a lot? - His tone was concerned. Taehyung got closer to him again and unscrewed the cap of the ointment. Jungkook's face fell a little and he looked down at the tiny space between their knees.

- Yeah. - He could only hear his father's voice telling him how that was the worst part of him. He agreed. - The first time I got into a fist fight, I was fourteen. And, since then... - He sighed. Taehyung grabbed him softly by the chin and lifted his head. When he saw him, he looked troubled.

- Why did you do it? -

Jungkook frowned.

- Which one? The first time or... now? -

Taehyung thought for a moment while he took some of the ointment in his fingertips and applied it to Jungkook's cheek in soft circling motions.

- The first time. -

Jungkook grimaced slightly. It was hard to talk about either one but the first one...

- Well, I got into a fight the first time because... - He couldn't find the right words, his eyes were unseeingly looking at the floor, remembering that day. - It had been right after... no, wait, I... I wanted to... - He let out a deep breath feeling the cold ointment drying on his cheek. - It was the day after I-- Oh god, no, wait. - He leaned away from Taehyung's touch and held his head with both hands. The first time he got into a fight had been the day after he got... that terrible thing. Waking up feeling dirty and cold all over. He had no words to even describe that thing, how could he explain why he sought a fight truthfully without telling Taehyung about that?

- Hey, hey, - Taehyung said in a soft voice and held his shoulder. - it's fine, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. - Jungkook looked back up.

- I... It's just... - He screwed up his face, he hated when his tongue couldn't move properly and he wasn't able to just say it. He took a deep breath and tried again. - I sought the fight right after I missed a day of school because I was... - He shook his head. - I was--... It was--... something really strange, I can't--... - He did floppy movements with his hands trying to calm himself, not looking at Taehyung. - You remember when I told you I was more used to getting beaten than getting hugged? - He looked to the side and saw Taehyung nodding with a frown. Jungkook looked away again and tried talking slowly this time - Ok... well... I sought a fight because I was not being hugged-- that sounds awful, let me just-- I can't explain it properly but it was definitely--... - He grunted and lost his patience. - I wanted to be beaten just so I could feel something! -

The hand on his shoulder tensed, and then moved to his face. Taehyung brought him closer again with a deep frown in between worry and anger.

- What do you mean by "something"? What do you mean by wanting to be beaten? - Jungkook's eyebrows pulled up in the middle while he looked at how concerned Taehyung sounded. And he was able to calm down at last.

- I was never held like this. - He pulled up a hand to place over Taehyung's, holding his face. - I was never hugged. The only kind of contact I had with other people were occasional handshakes or polite kisses on the cheek. I felt alone. I felt detached from... people. I felt strange just feeling my own skin. And it got to the point of... - He looked down. - of wanting to get into fights so I could feel any kind of physical contact from other people. And to concern my parents if I could, just to see if they really cared. So I could feel... something other than–... My parents only bought me things, and things and more things, I was so often surrounded by dead objects that... I started to feel like one myself. I felt so desperate to feel alive that I sought pain. -

He saw how Taehyung raised his other hand to grab Jungkook's other cheek. Jungkook looked up and saw so much pain in Taehyung's eyes that he got concerned. Then, Taehyung got even closer to him, making him hold his breath until Taehyung connected their foreheads. Jungkook was looking down. This connection was so...intimate. Being held like this, being connected like this, he could feel the deep meaning in it, even if he didn't know what it was. But it was beautiful.

- You didn't deserve any of that. - Taehyung said in a low voice, deep with meaning. - You deserve so much love, so much care, you deserve so much more. -

Jungkook reached up and placed one finger over his mouth.

- Please, don't. - He whispered.

Taehyung held his hand to take his finger away.

- Why not, Jungkook? Why don't you want to hear me? -

Jungkook placed the palm of his hand over Taehyung's cheek.

- I enjoy hearing you, it's just hard when you talk about me. I'm not used to hearing things like that. -

Taehyung placed his palm over Jungkook's hand.

- Then let me get you used to them. Let me hold you and hug you until you don't feel the need to fight. Let me tell you how lovely you are until you believe it yourself. -

- Why do you feel such a need? - He caressed Taehyung's cheek, feeling so filled with emotions he had never experienced before, and a need to be even closer to Taehyung, a deep need to feel him.

- Because... I care for you. -

He wanted Taehung to say it. He wasn't sure what he wanted him to say, he didn't know what he truly wanted to say, the only thing he knew was that Taehyung was keeping something to himself, and "I care for you" sounded like a half-truth. He just wanted Taehyung to say whatever was on his mind, even if it was too much for him to hear, even if it was too harsh or too soon or... whatever, he wanted to hear what he was feeling as he was feeling it. Maybe that could help him clear his own head.

- Why do you care for me? - He whispered, then he slowly moved his face to the side where Taehyung's hand was and felt the warm skin with his lips, even if he was injured it still felt good. Taehyung took some time to answer, but when he did, Jungkook snickered.

- ...You're my friend. -

The lie was so obvious it almost seemed on purpose.

- So, you're this close to all your friends? - He caressed Taehyung's cheek with one hand and then brushed his lips against the base of his palm. He heard him swallow.

Jungkook lowered the hand that was over Taehyung's cheek, to his neck, caressing the side of his jawline with his thumb. It was so sharp and strong, and he could feel the hair on the back of his head under his other fingers.

- No. I don't have friends, remember? - Taehyung tried to chuckle. And Jungkook snickered under his breath again. - What? - Asked Taehyung, amused and confused.

- First, you call me your friend, and then you say you don't have any friends, eh? - He closed his eyes and just felt as much as he could. Taehyung's hair felt so soft under his fingers that he moved his hand to the back of his head, brushing it gently.

Taehyung let out a breath.

- I... I only meant that I don't have any other friends. -

- Have you ever been this close to someone else? - Jungkook asked earnestly, his head didn't hurt as much and the feeling of Taehyung's hand on his injured cheek was like a sedative to the pain. It took some time for Taehyung to answer this one too.

- ...No, never. -

Jungkook felt that deep inside him. Taehyung had only been this close to him and only him. He felt something blooming in his chest, it was a warm feeling, a tingly feeling spreading through his whole body. The thought of being the only one who's been able to make Taehyung be this close put a genuine smile on his face.

- Me neither. Although I guess you've deduced that by now, haven't you? - He chuckled and detached their foreheads, then he moved to place his forehead on the side of Taehyung's neck, one hand on the back of Taehyung's head and the other one on his shoulder. Taehyung sighed and put his hands around Jungkook.

After a while of holding him gently, he spoke again

- Weren't you hungry? -

Until he had asked that, Jungkook had forgotten it.

- Noooo. - He whined. He wanted to be with Taehyung, not to eat.

Taehyung chuckled.

- I think you should go have lunch. - He moved his head to the side and paused. - Mh, it's four in the afternoon, lunch is only served until two. - He thought while he looked in the direction of the kitchen.

- Don't you have food in here? -

- Not really. - He muttered. - Maybe if you asked the cook, he could make you something. -

- Oh, yes, I'm sure he will. - He said, bored. - He already told me I could ask him anything I wanted and he would make it. Why don't you have food in here? -

- Cuz I haven't bought any. Go ask him to make you something to eat, Jungkook. We'll see later. -

Jungkook got out from Taehyung's neck and looked at him closely.

- I'm rather concerned about you at the moment. -

Taehyung looked taken aback and then he looked down at his lip again, bringing his hand to caress his cheek once more.

- You should be thinking of yourself right now. Go. -

Jungkook looked down.

- I don't want to go. - He grabbed a soft fist full of Taehyung's hair.

Taehyung chuckled.

- I don't want you to go either, but you need to eat. -

- Have you had lunch already? - He looked up again, expectant. Taehyung sighed with a smile.

- No. -

- Couldn't we... ask for take-out or something? - He suggested with a faint, playful smile. Taehyung shook his head and chuckled. - Or better yet, if you have a car, we could go to the nearest city. - He shrugged and Taehyung held his face in both hands.

- First off, my car arrives Friday. And second... - Jungkook turned his head and gave him a quick kiss on the palm of his hand, and Taehyung looked at him with endearment. Then he sighed. - If I was a student like you, it would've made everything much easier. -

Jungkook sighed thinking the same thing, but then that student wouldn't have been this Taehyung, so he just shook his head and smiled.

- I'm fine with it being like this. Besides, dwelling on what could've been only distracts you from the present. And I know that by heart. - Then he held Taehyung's face in his hands and looked at his shining eyes. - I don't want to go. -

Taehyung looked worried and pensive.

- Won't Leonardo get worried? Or your roommate? -

Jungkook then remembered something.

- How did you appear in my room all of a sudden? -

Taehyung opened his eyes wide, raised his eyebrows, and gaped like a fish while he slowly leaned away from Jungkook. But then he looked like he had an idea.

- You know what? I'll answer that after you go eat something. -

Jungkook's hands were on his shoulders and he shook Taehyung in mock anger before he said,

- Two can play that game. I won't go eat something until you answer me. -

Taehyung laughed.

- You.... - He pointed accusingly at him and then ruffled his hair. - Fine! - Jungkook looked up, smiling as much as his cut lip let him. - Let's make a deal. If you can give me a satisfactory answer to something, I'll go and get us both something to eat. -

- Ok, ask me. - Jungkook bounced a little in excitement.

Taehyung let go of him and folded his hands over his own lap, making Jungkook do the same.

- Why don't you want to go? -

Jungkook opened his eyes in surprise.

- I thought it would be harder than that but ok. I don't want to go because everybody will be talking about me. There, you can go now. - And he leaned back on the couch getting comfortable. But Taehyung smiled and shook his head.

- That's not satisfactory. -

Jungkook faked indignation.

- You just want me to go away, don't you? -

Taehyung laughed and got closer to him again.

- Of course not, but I am curious. Is that your only reason for wanting to stay? -

Jungkook leaned closer and looked intently into his eyes.

- No. - He smiled and, with a finger, slowly pushed back a strand of hair out of Taehyung's smiling face.

- Say it. -

Jungkook first thought it would be embarrassing to tell Taehyung something like this, but his chest only filled with delight at the thought of making him happy. So, he took a deep breath, leaned in until he was hiding in Taehyung's neck, and told him.

- Madness is the realm I live in when I leave you. Loneliness is the state of my heart when you're not near. - He chuckled, unable to believe he was speaking like this to someone else. - Missing you and needing you are mundane compared to what I would feel if I were to be anywhere but beside you. Satisfied? - He leaned away and saw how Taehyung's face blossomed into a soft smile while his eyes shined with emotion.

- You're a poet...-

- That wasn't poetic. -

- Tell that to my heart. -

Jungkook laughed in disbelief, his heart fluttering.

- Very well, - Taehyung straightened up. - I'll go get us something. - He stood and walked to the door with a smile, leaving a blushing and giggling Jungkook on the couch. 

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 19, Merry Christmas and happy 4 months of DEMOCRITUS 

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Your devoted writer,

Ela Shadow Rose 🥀

Go ahead with the next Chapter  ->->->