Et In Spiram

Spiraling Down

Taehyung was angrier than ever. However, he remained composed where he stood. Yesterday when Jungkook left, he couldn't help but crumble. Today, on the other hand, he was burning with anger. Anger at himself.

He took his briefcase from where he left it on the floor and went back to take the book he pushed away. He remembered Jungkook's laugh when he wouldn't let him see and felt an obstruction forming in his throat. A need to scream.

He walked out of the bookshelves and into the corridor leading to the stairs as easily as the day before. He remembered how Jungkook told him with a big beautiful smile about how this place is cursed and the lump got painful in his throat. Walking faster, he exited the library and went straight to the Professors' living area.

Inside, there was no one around. He got to the elevators, held his breath while going up, and yet angry tears escaped his unwilling eyes. Then the elevator doors opened, and there was Oliver.

Mr. O'Connor was standing there, waiting for the elevator to arrive with his arms full of big rolled-up cardboard. And when he saw Taehyung's face, he became concerned.

- Taehyung, what happened? -

He sounded just like his father.

Taehyung shook his head, tightly keeping his mouth shut, and passed him running to get to his door, taking the keys out as he did so. Without looking back, he hastily opened the door and entered, closing it behind him just as fast.

Taehyung walked to the kitchen counter by his left and placed his briefcase upon it... alongside the book. He'd forgotten to leave it in its place. He stared at it in his hands. "A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux '' It's a romance novel, and that was why he didn't want Jungkook to see it. Now, it seems stupid, but, back then, he'd been happily playing around because of it.

The bond between Dougless and Nicholas had been so sudden and yet so true, it had reminded him of Jungkook and himself... That was why he felt for him even more strongly than before when out of a sudden he looked to the side and found him standing there, appearing out of nowhere, just like the first night they met. Almost like it had been... destiny....

Taehyung's knees buckled as he cried silent sobs of lament, anger, frustration, pain. He left the book violently on the counter and went to his bed, taking his suit jacket off. He remembered Jungkook's hands under it and threw it on the couch, then, threw himself on his bed, grabbed a pillow, and started to scream.

It was all too much. He felt so angry, so angry. He fancies Jungkook. He does. Oh, how hard he fancied him. His face was so breathtaking, his eyes were big and dark and shining like they were gems, his cheeks were even softer than they looked, his voice, his words, his honesty, his carefulness, his cheekiness, his warmth, his lips... so soft. He remembered them on his neck and sobbed at the pleasant memory of it knowing it was wrong for him to have felt so good when it happened, and even now. And yet, he wanted to kiss him. So, he yelled in his pillow.

He was feeling so many things at once.

His family, his past, what he had to endure all these years, and then magically meeting Jungkook, but not being able to have him. It had to be a cruel joke. What had he done to deserve this sort of thing? Having gotten Daphne pregnant? Did he deserve this torment? Why? Why was he different? He grew up well, his family was the best in the world, they all loved, respected, and supported each other, and they all took care of each other, he was a good son, a good friend, a good brother, a good student, a good teacher, a good husband, a good father. He might have had some misses here and there but, don't they all?

According to psychiatrists, feeling any kind of attraction to the same sex was a sign of HMD. Should he deserve to be locked away? After what he did to Jungkook? After scaring him that way for not being able to contain himself?

The only thing he could do was scream and scream into his pillow. He knew it since he was little. He felt attracted to a friend of his, and when he found out about HMD in class he had been so confused; he didn't feel sick, didn't feel out of control or dangerous to his classmates, and he most certainly didn't want to hurt him, he wanted to give him flowers and kiss him on the cheek as his father did to his mother, why would it be wrong just because they were both boys?

But every time he remembered that what he had should be something wrong in his brain and not love from his heart, he stopped himself; he stopped himself from taking his hand, from hugging him, from looking at him like he wanted to, and most of all, from telling him anything.

It had been hard but he had managed it. He felt wrong with himself, but being with his family always made him feel happy, and walking through the woods made him feel free. Like there was nothing wrong with himself. But every time they were reminded of HMD he felt terrified like he needed to be away from society or else he might attack somebody. He never felt the desire to, but he was afraid he would be like they say people with HMD often do. He even accepted, with tears in his eyes, that he would have to live alone for the rest of his life. He was so heartbroken that he would never find the one destined for him because, if he didn't like girls, how would he fall in love with the one destined for him?

And then, he got Daphne pregnant, and the worst part is that he doesn't remember any single thing about it, he doesn't even remember flashes of what happened, the only thing he remembers is not wanting to be there with every single fiber of his being. He asked her what had happened when they woke up, but she just got up, took the sheets with her, and went to the bathroom. They had never talked about what happened after that. He was still afraid of what he might have done to her, he was so terrified of the idea that he might've blacked out and become the terrifying monster with HMD that he was so afraid of becoming and abused her...

No, no, no, stop that, he couldn't have, she didn't look harmed in any way and people with HMD liked killing and hurting their victims, she didn't even look afraid of him, maybe not even confused but he wasn't sure. No, she has never shown signs of being afraid of him, if anything, she was the one that ruled the house, and he, as a good husband he promised himself he would be, tried to do everything she says.

He wasn't a harmful person and he knew that by heart, he was only defensive when need be. But all the affirmations from honorable doctors made him feel so afraid of himself every time he would remember. As if he was a monster waiting to happen, like he shouldn't even be mingling with other people, much less teaching new generations. Oh God, if he had HMD he shouldn't even get close to children, not even his own-- No, he wasn't harmful, he loved children, he loved his children, they were his pride and joy, and they say they love him so he must be a good father.

So, he knew he wasn't sick, but everyone would say he is. And he knew he wasn't harmful but everyone says it's just a thing waiting to happen. He knew he wasn't a monster but because of how different he was from what he should be it made him a monster in the eyes of society. A sick monster that he knew he was not.

He's wrong, but he knows he isn't. He's afraid, but he knows he has no reason to be. Aside from his fear of anybody else finding out and being taken away because of it, he wasn't afraid of himself, because he knew himself.

He knew himself more than any other doctor knew him, so he should know if there was something truly wrong in him, should he not?

Taehyung got tired of screaming and let himself merely cry instead. He was so tired of being tired of himself, he wanted to be happy like he did when he was younger, he wanted to be free of judgment like he was every time school day was over and he was running thru the trees with his brother and his friends, forgetting about why he was so wrong for this world, forgetting about his fear of doctors and how they might take him away, and just being himself, being free. He just wanted to be with Jungkook...

Jungkook... Taehyung got attached so fast that it startled him but didn't surprise him. He didn't like to think that feeling this way about Jungkook was wrong, no thought of wanting to take care of Jungkook should be deemed wrong no matter who had that thought, but he should feel wrong.

All he wanted was to love and be loved. But he messed up.

Remembering how scared Jungkook looked made him feel a sharp pain in his chest. Taehyung sobbed fresh tears remembering how happy he had been with Jungkook while they laughed and played around for a second. Jungkook's waist was so beautiful, fitting perfectly in his hands. When the caressing started, oh how happy he had been as he had Jungkook on top of him while he caressed his back. But, his body started to heat up, just like the night before, and so he tried to stop him; to stop both of them.

But the things he said, and the things he wanted Taehyung to do, the way he liked every touch, and the way he touched him, it had all been so good that Taehyung never thought twice of it. Now, however, after having an argument with himself about the subject and then moving swiftly to Jungkook, putting those two together it would seem like... because Jungkook liked it and Taehyung was a man wouldn't he... have HMD...?

No, that was a very serious accusation to make, Jungkook was kind, smart, and lovely, of course, he couldn't have that. He only liked his caresses because he wasn't used to being treated like that. Jungkook wasn't sick in the head and thinking of that possibility felt like the lowest betrayal he could've made.

Of Course, he didn't feel the same as Taehyung. His reaction at the end confirmed it. When Taehyung lost control and started kissing his neck, he had the delusional thought that Jungkook had liked it seeing how he was breathing deeply and moving around like he was in pleasure, and even when he said "stop" Taehyung was still out of it, unable to fully understand that Jungkook might've been highly uncomfortable since the beginning; madly thinking that Jungkook had felt so good he got turned on like he was, but then he asked for the time like he wanted to have an excuse to run away, and even worse, when Taehyung hadn't moved because of the shook, he had pleaded Taehyung to let him go like Taehyung had been doing something terrible to him. Like someone with HMD would.

Taehyung couldn't stop crying. His throat hurt from the strain of previous screams and continuous sobs.

Was he a monster? For feeling that good when Jungkook touched him like that? For not being attracted to women? Was he mad? Crazy? Was he dangerous? Jungkook looked so scared, so uncomfortable, his voice had become dull and his posture protective. Did he harm him? He didn't want to, he never wanted to, he promised him he would always protect him, and then... broke his promise in the blink of an eye. Just one touch from Jungkook and he was another person, not the under-control Philosophy Professor with a wife and children, but the teenager he used to be.

"The Wild Child", running around in the woods, talking to trees and caressing flowers, laughing whenever the sun hit his face thru the leaves, walking barefoot on the shore of the river, climbing trees and resting on their branches, singing a tune that flowed with the wind and the rustling of leaves, waking up much later still on that same branch and running home to the arms of his concerned but not at all surprised mother, helping the cook with dinner and helping his brother with the table, calling all the workers to eat, laughing with everyone while eating a delicious everyday feast and then going to bed with a smile on his face, loving his life, loving his family, being happy with himself and not at all concerned about anything, not even the crush he had on someone he shouldn't. Where did those days go?

He got tired of crying, he couldn't sob anymore. He didn't use to cry, but from ten years ago till now it's been an everyday kind of thing. How tiring it was to be sad, it drained him of any kind of energy he had and filled him with a dull and dead numbness. He didn't want to get up, he didn't want to eat, drink, or move, he just wanted to stay still, comfortable and alone. But he couldn't do that, he had work to do. He sighed and slowly sat up, feeling dizzy for a moment as he looked at the floor. He felt so lonely, he wanted to... he wanted Jungkook by his side... he'll have to apologize-- oh, wait, he already did...

Wait a minute...

Taehyung frowned looking at the floor while he thought. What Jungkook had said afterward...

"Haven't we gone through this before? It's not your fault, you don't have to apologize for anything."... But... that sounds as if...

"Then, whose fault is it? Yours? Fault for what exactly? I don't even know why you apologized in the first place."...

He said "Haven't we gone through this before?" what had they been through before? Taehyung looked up in alarm. When he tried to apologize yesterday for touching his face in the meadow, Jungkook said it hadn't been his fault, blaming himself instead. Blaming himself instead...

"Whose fault is it"... "fault for what exactly?"..."exactly"... Jungkook was blaming himself. "Haven't we gone through this before? It's not your fault, you don't have to apologize for anything."... "not your fault"... He was blaming himself... But why?

Taehyung got up from the bed and started pacing. What would he be at fault for? They had been caressing each other and he had been enjoying it, hadn't he? That was why he wanted to take his coat off, he said he felt better when he was feeling... feeling more of Taehyung..., If he had been enjoying it, what went wrong? Taehyung could only think of himself suddenly kissing Jungkook's neck, Jungkook stopped him right at that moment, and if he had been uncomfortable because of it then the fault would be all Taehyung's, but he said that it hadn't been his fault...

Then he stopped pacing and looked fixedly at the floor. Jungkook said yesterday that he ran away the night before because there was something deep rotted inside him that made him do so... and today he told Taehyung how every touch of his was new to him...

Taehyung felt like punching himself.

"I liked it a little too much last night, that's why I think it could be a problem."

" I... can't see the problem...?"

" You do know what I'm talking about, right?"

"I don't get it."

Taehyung walked to the closest wall and hit his forehead against it. Jungkook had never so much as been hugged like they did last night, he said how he was more used to punches than caresses. How unlikely would it be for him not to know what pleasure was?

Taehyung banged his head against the wall again. How could he have been so stupid?

Jungkook was afraid of himself, Jungkook was blaming himself because he thought he had done something wrong, and Taehyung was wallowing in self-pity like an egotistical dickhead instead of stopping these more than false accusations Jungkook had to suffer.

Mere minutes ago he had been screaming about how he was sick in the head, but thinking of Jungkook, and on how he might be thinking the same thing about himself, and on how he might right now be screaming profanities at himself because of it, it made him see red. Jungkook wasn't sick in the head, he wasn't, Taehyung knew he wasn't. And now with his head cleared because of all the banging against the wall, he will right now say to himself, that he was not sick in the head.

He knew this, he knew this, he didn't have HMD, what he had was like an over-imaginative person being confused into thinking they have schizophrenia. He didn't have HMD, and Jungkook didn't either, at all, in the slightest.

It felt good to know he wasn't alone anymore. But he couldn't be happy right now. Not when Jungkook wasn't.

He had to go to him and tell him he wasn't at fault for anything that might have happened while they were together. If anything, it was the fault of the people who mistreated or neglected him in his youth. And Taehyung's, for not taking into consideration the level of abuse Jungkook must've suffered for him not to be able to recognize pleasure.

He went to the bathroom to clean his face, and then looked at himself in the mirror. He looked terrible, puffy-eyed, red face, red forehead where he punched himself against the wall, he looked the slightest like someone who could comfort anybody else, he looked like he needed comforting, how could he go to Jungkook looking this destroyed? And now that he thought about it, he didn't know where Jungkook had gone. And, even if Taehyung went to the Students' living area as an allowed Professor, he didn't know which was his room, or when he would go back to his room.

And frankly speaking, he didn't know if Jungkook was going to show up at the clearing at eight o'clock or not, seeing how things ended.

But even the idea of waiting until eight arrived didn't appeal to Taehyung. He had to go to him right now.

He thought of where Jungkook would've gone if he felt as bad as Taehyung just a minute ago and could only think of his bedroom. He'll just have to ask a passing student if they knew which one was his room, and it would be better if he could recognize them as one of his students, that would make things easier. Or he'll go to the reception desk at the entrance hall and ask for Jungkook's information. But then they would know he was looking for him, and that could lead to uncomfortable questions. He concluded that it was better to stick to the first idea.

After cleaning up his face and brushing his hair, he straightened up his attire and put his suit jacket back on, then he went to the kitchen, passed the boxes, and took out a bag of frozen veggies from the fridge to lower the puffiness and redness on his face. After some time of doing this, he felt better and looked at himself in the mirror close to the door. He made sure that he looked like nothing happened. And walked out of his apartment.

When he got out of the elevator on the first floor, Seokjin was there as serious and impassive as ever with his immaculate suit and hair, a leather briefcase -much like the one Taehyung left behind- in his hand. Taheyung had once before made the mistake of trying to greet the man, so this time he just walked past him just like Seokjin did as he entered the elevator.

As he walked out of the Professor's living area, Taehyung couldn't think of anything else that wasn't related to Jungkook at the moment. Should he start with an apology? Or should he start with a question on why he went away like that... ? No, that would be awful. Maybe just have a talk with him about... About what? About... how he wasn't... wrong? Or how they were both... not that wrong? Agh, he couldn't think right, he mildly mused on how that could be because it was probably lunchtime and he had breakfast too early in the day so he was hungry. But anything that wasn't Jungkook at the moment was not a priority.

The walk from the Professor's living area to the Student's was longer than he thought. Upon arriving at the glass doors he felt nervous, but he pushed himself to get inside. He was on a mission. He looked around at the students sitting around in the couches and armchairs, some turned to look at him and he could see them tensing up at the sight of a professor. Trying to recognize somebody was proving difficult at first, but then, luckily, a boy he recognized walked out of the study room holding a few books. He recognized him by his clothes, they were too big.

- Good evening, - The boy jumped and turned around, his eyes widened behind his big, round glasses and he looked at the floor, frightened. This reaction took Taehyung by surprise. - I'm looking for Jungkook, do you happen to know where his room is? - He saw the boy frowning slightly at the floor and then doing a jerky nod. - Good. - He waited, but the boy didn't utter a single word. - Can you tell me where it is? -

He was getting slightly concerned. Why was this boy so afraid of him? Taehyung saw him opening his mouth and closing it again numerous times. But before he could say anything, the boy looked up at him, jerked his head to the stairs, and started walking in fast tiny steps. Taehyung followed, looking around as they went.

The organization of these rooms reminded him of what he thought his own room would be like. Nothing like the luxurious loft he had now.

His nervousness increased with every step they took, but he refused to let it win. The boy he was following, turned the last corner and, in the distance, he could see one door right at the end of this corridor. Upon getting a few steps closer, he could see the number A-0011, then he saw the boy getting keys out of his pocket as they walked and realized this must be Jungkook's roommate.

Distantly, he heard something. Something that sounded very much like shouting.

The boy he was following stopped and he almost ran into him. And then, out of nowhere, the boy dropped the keys and ran away.

Taehyung didn't know what to do, he thought of going after him and asking what had happened. But then, a particular yell made him stop. The shouting was coming from the room at the end of the corridor.

As fast as he could, Taehyung picked up the keys from the floor and sprinted to the door. Getting closer, he heard another yell, muffled by the door, and was sure it had been Jungkook. He had the keys ready in his hand and, just when he was one step away, he heard Jungkook shouting clearly.

- No. Stop it. Get off me. Stop it. -

His blood ran cold. And he saw red.

He rammed the key into the lock, turned the knob hard enough to break it, and kicked the door open.

The sight that greeted him was one he wasn't ready for.

Jungkook was being held down by the wrists, on the bed, by a guy who was too close to his face.

Rewind.

Jungkook was holding onto an impassive facade just long enough until he was alone. He went down the stairs, left his unread book back in its place, and exited the library from the west side.

After that, he was alone in the wide corridor outside of the library and kept on walking just thinking over and over again "come on, you can do it, hold on until you get there, come on...".

His chest felt like it was being pulled inwards, but he forced himself to keep breathing, his legs felt heavy, but he forced himself to keep walking. He was almost there, he could see the glass doors leading to the living area and he knew he was almost there. As he walked inside, some people were either leaving or sitting on the couches, so he lowered his head and walked to the stairs. He could only be relieved that he was almost there and his friends were in class.

When he saw his door room at the end of the last corridor, his eyes started to get blurry. He ran to the door and hastily unlocked it, dropping his keys in the process. Walking inside, he closed the door, and fell against it, covering his mouth with his hand as teardrops fell from his eyes. Then, Jungkook froze.

Jimin and Tom were looking at him in utter shock.

As fast as he could, he walked to his bed, dropped his bag onto it, and locked himself in the bathroom. Upon seeing his reflection in the mirror, he averted his eyes immediately. The sight of himself was unbearable. Now in his loneliness, he could feel every single thing he'd been avoiding, including the strongest one. Fear.

Not being able to understand himself was terrifying. He'd only wanted to hug and yet he seemed to have wanted something he wasn't even aware he wanted. And then he did things he didn't know he could do.

No. He did things he knew he couldn't do.

But he did. God, he did and he loved every single part of it until his brain couldn't ignore his obvious mistake any longer.

Leaning against the door, he slid to the floor. Faintly, the sound of two people talking could be heard on the other side. His throat felt sore even if he hadn't uttered a single sob and it was hard to swallow. It was hard to look with all the blurriness, his neck felt wet from all the tears that rolled down his face, and his lip would cut open if he kept biting it that hard.

The floor was cold.

He was cold.

Wrapping his arms around himself, he almost screamed with the need for a hug... With the need for Taehyung's hug. No one else's hug would ever make him feel like Taehyung has, and he was so sure of it that he cried, and cried, and bit down on his coat, hugged his legs tight to his chest, and cried.

His selfishness came back to him with the face of a monster. Taehyung had told him not to get too close, not to touch him in certain ways, and he ignored his words, pushing himself onto him in ways he hadn't even thought about.

Remembering the night before, he pulled at his hair and tried not to cry out. That same sensation through his body had repeated in the library tenfold, meaning that the same mistake had been made twice.

However, it wasn't only how he'd treated Taehyung's wishes or Taehyung himself that made him feel afraid of being a monster, but his physical reaction as well.

He hadn't known his body was capable of feeling pleasure so he never thought of it. Since that day when he was fourteen, he couldn't stand his own touch in an intimate way, let alone someone else's. He'd always had a problem with it beforehand but that day seemed to be a deciding factor. That was the primary reason for him to not like thinking of his future. Because he wouldn't be able to marry and have kids, making him an even worse disappointment to his family. A family he always wanted to be loved by and yet failed miserably.

But it was safe to say that they would've preferred him to be a failure in life than to be what he was now. A man who enjoyed the touch of other men enough to trespass their boundaries to get what he wanted.

HMD, HMD, again, the same subject hunted him.

And then, something worse: Was Taheyung thinking this of him? Is this why he looked like he'd been crying the day before while Jungkook was off getting lunch?

He wanted to run away, to hide, to never be seen again, or to stop living so he could stop making mistakes.

Taehyung had said he liked it as well and how that was the reason it shouldn't happen again. One thing was to hug, another...

...another...

Jungkook stopped crying for a second, trying to stop the headache so he could think better. He knew anything more than hugging was out of line, but that thought was exactly what caught his attention. Just this morning, he'd been looking around the cafeteria and feeling heavier every time he noticed the lines, the rules. Just the day before, he'd been trying to get Taehyung to do as he pleased instead of what he was told. And the day before that, he began to cry in the meadow because he remembered the rules he would have to go back to.

He always came back to the same wish for freedom every time he felt tied up. And he always revered to the same conclusion of wrong and right when he felt that he went too far.

The person who was keeping him shackled is himself.

Of all the thoughts, this one caused more damage. Something broke inside of him. However, it wasn't like the other times when a part of him was dying. This time, instead of pain, a numbness spread through him. And he did nothing to stop it.

Someone knocked on the bathroom door and the violent vibration on his back startled him awake. Vaguely, he wondered what time it was as he stood. He was slightly... confused as to why he'd ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor. His whole body was aching and weak, he even felt dirty.

- Hey, Kooky, open up. - Tom...

Annoyance grew in him and he straightened up. Then, he fell forwards over the sink as a wave of dizziness made him stumble. He straightened up again without looking at his reflection and opened the door.

The bright light coming from the open windows made him close his eyes as a draft of cold air made him shiver. For a moment he thought he wasn't wearing a shirt under his coat. Then, he remembered what shirt he was wearing. And, finally, he knew why he'd been sleeping on the floor.

He blinked a couple of times and walked forwards, knocking Tom out of the way as he went to his chest of drawers.

- You look terrible. -

Jungkook stopped opening the drawer to take a deep breath, then went back to taking out a big, black t-shirt.

- Jimin's worried. -

Jungkook ignored him and walked back to the bathroom.

- You should really stop crying all the time, Jimin doesn't like that. -

Jungkook closed the bathroom door as hard as he could and locked it.

He felt so dirty all over that he decided on taking a cold shower, also to wake him up completely. He'll have to start going to the gym again otherwise he won't be able to burn the anger out like he used to, he'll talk to Leo later about that.

Leo would be so disappointed in him if he knew what he'd been doing on hidden corners.

Walking out of the shower, he dried himself hard, scratching his skin with the towel until it was red, and put his clothes back on, leaving the white shirt in his laundry basket. Upon opening the door, he found Tom lying on his bed. While his bag was now laying on the floor by the foot of his drawing table.

- Get out. - Jungkook demanded in a dead voice. He knew he looked worse than he sounded and he didn't care, he just wanted to sleep.

- No. -

Jungkook blinked.

- This is my room, get / out. -

- A little bratty, aren't you? This is Jimin's room as well. And also... - He got up from Jungkook's bed and walked closer to him. - I'm not going to Jimin until I've sorted this out. - And he stopped right in front of him.

- Sorted what out–?You know what? Don't tell me. If you don't want to go, fine. Have fun talking to the wall. - He went to walk past him again, but Tom grabbed him by the elbow and stopped him.

- What happened, Kooky? -

Suddenly, he got so angry that he completely ignored the concern in Tom's voice and just pulled his arm free from his grasp.

- STOP calling me that. You don't care what happens to me, so fuck off. - He walked to his own bed and sat down.

- You have no idea how I feel about you so shut up. -

Jungkook rested his elbows on his knees and grabbed his head with both hands.

- I want to be alone right now. -

- And I won't let you be alone like this so, fuck that, and tell what happened. -

He felt Tom sitting down beside him on the bed and he raised his head in disbelief.

- I won't tell you what happened. -

- What did he do to you? - Tom frowned.

Jungkook jumped from the bed with all the intention of punching him in the face. Instead, he walked to Jimin's bed and punched down on it with all the strength he could pull out of his tired body. He fell to his knees and grabbed the bed covers in tight firsts, feeling rage in his heart.

He laughed bitterly to himself and, once he was calmer, stood and turned around.

- You should leave. -

Tom snickered.

- What, you think I'm scared of you because you hit a pillow? Also, you want me to go away right after you reacted so strongly to my question making me even more worried? Fat chance, mate. Start talking. -

Jungkook was so angry right now that he laughed. Sitting on his bed, he intended to ignore Tom until he left, and, leaving his feet on the floor, he lay down.

- Jungkook, I'm being serious right now, Jimin told me how he saw you when you got back the first night looking like you've been attacked, and now again you get back here crying and looking like you were running away from someone. And then you get out of the bathroom looking all dead inside. And I know that the first night you were in the forest with him, and I bet you were in the library with him again just like yesterday, so I'm going to ask you again, what has he been doing to you? -

He was unable to ignore him.

Jungkook turned around and punched down on the pillow.

- GET OOOOOOUT. - His scream got slightly muffled by the pillow but it was still clear to understand.

- Not until you tell me. -

Jungkook sat up and looked at him incensed.

- What the hell do you expect to hear, huh? Why are you assuming it was him who did something to me? Couldn't it have been me? Couldn't I have been the one who did something terrible and now I'm feeling sick at myself for it? Huh!? - To add insult to injury, Tom shrugged.

- Fine. What did you do? -

Jungkook closed his eyes tightly, he could feel himself shaking. What did he do? What did he do? He got turned on because a man kissed his neck and he loved the shit out of it... He can't believe he just admitted that to himself. Jungkook could've started crying again if it wasn't because he was too angry to do so. He will never, in his life, admit this to a single soul. Why? Because he will get locked up in a padded cell until he died or got killed by the procedure of curing his brain.

- Why... do you need to know? - Slowly, he opened his eyes again to look at him.

- Because Jimin's worried about you. - There was something in the way Tom looked momentarily uncertain that made Jungkook unable to believe him.

- If he was worried, why didn't he ask me himself? -

Tom rolled his eyes.

- You know why. He has a hard time talking to people. -

- But he doesn't seem to have a hard time talking to you. - Now Jungkook was the one being nosy. - What is it between you and Jimin? - To Jungkook's displeasure, this didn't seem to insult Tom, he smirked at Jungkook.

- Nothing like you have. -

Jungkook did a double take.

- "I have?" What do I have? -

To Jungkook's surprise, Tom's stare became soft and deep. He took a deep breath, slowing down the pace of their argument quite abruptly, and then answered.

- Something that can only happen once every so often to only a few. -

Jungkook froze and then frowned. Tom was making no sense... or he was talking about... the mental condition thing. Jungkook jumped out of his bed again, tensed all over, looking right at Tom with rage.

- I... am about to hit the shit out of you... Get out... now. - Tom got up slowly from the bed, looking ready for anything.

- You didn't understand a thing I said, did you? -

- I don't want you to explain your words, I want you to leave. - He took a step closer to Tom, but to his annoyance, Tom didn't move.

- Jungkook, hear me out, I have heard a story like yours before–

- You know nothing about me. - He was losing it at this point, his heart rate was high and he could feel the heat rising in his skin. He was ready for a fight.

How dare Tom say something like that to him? "I have heard a story like yours before"? Yeah, no shit Sherlock, everyone has heard stories about mental people before, that's why there are laws preventing men from touching each other, so no one can get crazy. Tom telling him all cautiously that he has heard something like this before was only making him feel like Tom wanted to "help him".

- I know that I know nothing about you Jungkook, that's why I'm asking you to tell me so I can know how to help you. -

Jungkook bristled.

- ¡GET OUT! - This had been the loudest scream yet, but right now he didn't care if he upset anybody outside, Tom was trying to lock him up, Tom thought he was insane and needed help.

Tom flinched at the sudden scream but still didn't walk away.

- I know you might feel scared right now–

- ¡SHUT UP! -

- But you need to know that it's not–

Jungkook pushed him hard on the chest and Tom had to walk back so as not to fall, Jungkook felt triumphant when he saw his scared expression, but then that expression changed to one of rage himself.

- I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, DAMN IT. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME. - His accent had changed in his anger, startling Jungkook more than the shout itself. Tom took advantage of it and walked toward him again. Jungkook was about to push him back once more when Tom grabbed him by the wrists and pulled so hard that Jungkook fell on his bed with a scream. Now, Tom was on top of him, pinning his wrists to either side of his head. - You have to believe me so listen to me you little shit–

Jungkook tried to push him off, moving around as hard as he could, he didn't want to hear, he hated the feeling of Tom so close to him, but Tom wouldn't budge.

- Hey, stop that. Stop that or I'm going to–... - Tom didn't finish as Jungkook did the hardest push of all and almost got him off. But then Tom did something he shouldn't have.

He pinned him down with his whole body, chest to chest, pelvis to pelvis, and his face was too close. Jungkook felt disgusted, he hated the feeling of Tom, he hated it.

Tom took a deep breath.

- I know people who–

- NO. STOP IT. GET OFF ME. ¡STOP IT! -

He closed his eyes as hard as he could so as not to see how close Tom was. His chest felt tight, he was shaking, he felt cold sweat forming on his forehead and the nape of his neck, his heart rate was even higher than before and it was starting to get uncontrollable, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't...

Suddenly, he wasn't being pinned down anymore. The cold wind blew over every part that a moment before had been in contact with Tom, and he could breathe again. When he opened his eyes, confused, he was in shock by what he was seeing.

Taehyung had Tom against the wall by the neck of his shirt.

Continuation.

Jungkook hoisted himself up on his elbow and looked at the door, seeing it moving on its own as if it had hit the wall hard. Sitting up, he turned his head to look at Taehyung just when he spoke.

- What were you doing just now? -

Jungkook swallowed, surprised to see Taehyung like this. Even if he could only see his back, he could hear the rage in his voice. And so he was astonished to see Tom grinning.

- Well, well. Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Am I right, Kooky? - He laughed. Jungkook would've hit him if it wasn't because Taehyung was in the way.

- I told you not to call me that, weirdo. - He made eye contact with Tom, and he jerked to try and get to Jungkook, but Taehyung had him.

- What were you trying to do just before I stopped you? - Taehyung asked, his voice louder.

Tom looked back at Taehyung with a grin.

- I was trying to help Jungkook. -

Jungkook stood up, indignant.

- You were trying to force the truth out of me. - He saw Taehyung's back tensing up even more.

Tom rolled his eyes.

- Only because you were struggling. But, if you had been a good boy, nothing like this would've happened–Wow there big guy. - Tom looked at Taehyung and grabbed him by the wrists. - You don't want to lose your job, do you, Professor? - Tom grinned maliciously, but then his smile fell, getting serious all of a sudden. - What did you do to Jungkook? -

- TOM–

- What do you mean? - Taehyung asked, cautiously.

Jungkook's eyes widened.

- I mean that he got here in an awful state like someone had attacked him–

- ¡Tom, stop it–

- And, the first night, he came back from his "night walk" with scratches all over his arms–

- ¡STOP IT! - Jungkook couldn't handle it anymore, Tom was telling Taehyung things he never wanted him to know. - You were the one who attacked me yesterday. - Tom looked at him with wide eyes.

- I did not! -

- Yes, you did! You pushed me against the dresser just like you pushed me against the bed just now. -

Tom was about to answer when Taehyung cut him off.

- You are going to come with me to the Headmaster. Now. - He let go of him and walked to the door without glancing in Jungkook's way.

- But he's lying! - Tom looked at Jungkook and smiled angrily.- Don't you think you might be a little biased right now, Tae? -

Taehyung stopped walking before he got to the door, and Jungkook lost it.

He flung himself at Tom and punched him hard on his cheek with his left fist. But, just as quickly, Tom punched the left side of his mouth and then hard on the stomach, knocking his breath out of him and making him fall to the floor.

Right when Taehyung pinned Tom back against the wall, Leo opened the door. Jungkook was holding his bleeding mouth while trying to breathe properly.

- Jungkook! - Leo ran to him as soon as he understood what was going on.

Taehyung looked around, holding Tom at arm's length.

- Who are you? -He asked, rapidly. Leo turned around to look at Taehyung while he was kneeling beside Jungkook.

- Leonardo Bellamy. I'm Jungkook's friend. - Then he turned his head back to Jungkook who propped himself up on one elbow while still covering his mouth with the other. Tears started to fall from his eyes again, it was humiliating. Unwillingly, he made eye contact with Taehyung and saw how concerned he was.

Taehyung turned away.

- Tom, you are coming with me. Leonardo, - He looked back at Leo. - Take Jungkook to the hospital wing. - At once Jungkook started to shake his head in terror, but Taehyung's attention was diverted by Tom's indignation.

- HE was the one who punched me first. -

- I'm sure you deserved it, dumbass. - Leo snarled, looking as if he wanted to punch him just as much as that same morning. Standing up, he went straight to the bathroom.

- You provoked Jungkook and hurt him worse than he did you. - Taehyung tried justifying his decision. But Tom wasn't able to drop it.

- Ok. You know what little Teacher? I don't care if he's your favorite student, he will get the same treatment as any other of your pupils or we're going to have a problem. - Leo came back and gave Jungkook the towel. - So, if you take me to the Headmaster, he's coming as well. -

- You can't tell a Professor what to do, you prat. - Leo spat.

By the look of Taehyung's profile, Jungkook could see how he looked affronted, but pensive. Jungkook was begging with all his might that Taehyung wouldn't make him go to the Headmaster, seeing his father right now would be the worst thing that could happen, he wasn't strong enough to fake a strong facade today. He sat up straight and cleaned his mouth, it hurt, his lip was cut open by the corner, and he couldn't clean it right so he just lowered the towel to the floor and waited for Taehyung's final order, breathing heavily and tearing up. Then, Taehyung spoke.

- Very well. Jungkook, - He looked at Jungkook and his breathing stopped yet his face was impassive. - Come. - That was all he said, and he marched to the door with Tom rubbing at his cheek behind him. Leo looked at him with concern.

- I was worried when you didn't answer my calls, but I never thought... Shit. - He cursed under his breath. - If I knew, I would've come sooner and helped you. I'm sorry. - Jungkook couldn't even open his mouth to say how thankful he was to Leo for worrying about him, his heart was beating in his throat making it hard to swallow. Using Jimin's bed for support, he stood up. - Do you want me to go with you? - Leo looked concerned but Jungkook shook his head. He knew his father would say something foul and he didn't want Leo to be in the middle of it. - Ok then. See you at dinner? - Knowing Leo was giving him time alone before they met again, Jungkook nodded and went after Taehyung and Tom.

The sight of his worry made him wonder. And then he remembered that Leo had never seen him losing a fight.

He felt more vulnerable than ever as he walked behind them. He felt weak like he needed someone to hold him in one piece... He needed Taehyung.

Silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

Doors were open on either side of the long main corridor and people stopped to look around. Jungkook knew what they were seeing, a couple of students fought and a Professor was escorting them to the Headmaster. Everyone was looking at him, they were looking at him more than Tom, and upon feeling something warm sliding down the corner of his mouth he realized he was bleeding, and crying, he also suspected that he looked the worse for wear without a coat and his hair all disheveled. He felt humiliated as people looked and muttered under their breaths, some laughed, and some looked concerned, but everyone was looking.

He came to this University promising himself that it was a brand new start, that he would no longer have to fight and lie, and most of all, that he would no longer be "The Third Jeon kid" but only Jungkook. He was looking at the floor with blurry eyes and clutching his hands in front of him with his heart sinking onto his stomach. He was walking to the Headmaster's office after having a fist fight, nothing had changed, he was still the oversensitive little Jeon that everyone laughed at. How pathetic.

None of them said a single word all the long way it took to get to the front hall, though Jungkook saw how Taehyung had his hands folded into tight fists as he walked. He looked really angry. Jungkook had no idea why Taehyung showed up in his room in the first place... Maybe the students heard the screams coming from his room and called security and Taehyung just happened to be close by, so that was why he showed up, to stop a fight between two immature little boys.

Jungkook felt ashamed the more he thought about how he wanted to keep Taehyung by his side forever. How could he have been so immature to think it would ever happen? How could he have been so immature to believe in destiny? Taehyung was a grown man with a job and a family, Jungkook was only a safe place, he couldn't be a home with how destroyed he was inside.

Jungkook had to cover his mouth again to stop himself from whimpering out loud. He was wrong and he knew it. He wasn't only a safe place for Taehyung, they were holding each other, drying each other's tears, talking about their hardships and their families, looking at each other in the eyes so deeply that Jungkook could see the stars of a clear night sky on a countryside, they were hugging so tightly that Jungkook could feel Taehyung's heart beating in his own chest, and feel his warmth protect him from the world while smelling his natural, woodsy, scent. None of that could be dismissible. A safe place was what made a home.

Jungkook was overwhelmed, and the thought of having to meet his father in this state wasn't making it any easier for him. His mind was going round and round, spiraling into a tight whole of doom, just thinking about what his father would say, how he would react, what he would think, what he would say, what Taehyung would hear. How will Taehyung react when he finds out who his father was? Will his father reprimand him in front of Taehyung? Could his father know what he had done with Taheyung? Would he know just by looking at his eyes? How will he punish Jungkook? Would he expel him? Would he call an ambulance? Would he call the police?

Oh, no...¡!...oh no...¡!... He had to run away, he had to...¡!...he had to hide, he couldn't...¡!...oh, no.

He could feel his heart pounding scarily and painfully in his chest. He was terrified. Taehyung, his Father, his Mother, Tom, Leo, Emily,... He could feel the cold sweat making him shiver with the cold air, he was trembling all over, and he clutched his other arm tightly around his middle. The hand over his mouth only got tighter, making him bleed even more. His abdomen was clenching and unclenching, he noticed mildly how he was being left behind as his legs weren't able to keep up the pace, they were getting numb by the second, he thought he was going to throw up but nothing came, he was feeling dizzy and his head was pounding, he couldn't breathe properly, his throat was getting tight but his hand was clenched over his mouth so he couldn't take a gasp of air. And he fell to the floor, unable to breathe or move.

He was going to die, he was going to die alone on the cold floor, he was going to die!...

- Jungkook! -

Taehyung. His throat closed completely at that second and no air was getting to his lungs. Then, a hand took his own frozen one away from his mouth and he was able to gasp for air, but it still wasn't enough. His eyes were closed shut, he was swimming in darkness shaking all over.

- Jungkook, listen to me, it's not real, you're just having a panic attack, you're not going to die. -

What? What was he saying? A... panic attack? What was that? The momentary distraction let him take a couple more painful gasps of air.

- That's right, breathe. Breathe with me Jungkook, breathe in... and breathe out... that's right, don't worry, just keep breathing. Breath in... yes, that's good. Breath out. Good Jungkook, you are doing really well. You can relax your muscles one at a time. You're fine, nothing is going to hurt you, this will pass, I promise you, I'm here by your side, you're not alone. -

A hand was brushing his hair out of his face gently, he could feel how the air was able to enter his lungs unobtrusively and that eased him. He wasn't dying, this will pass, he just needed to breathe. His body relaxed slowly, still on the alert for any kind of pain, but he was fine. Cold, tired, with his head pounding and still shivering on the floor, but he was fine. Slowly, he opened his eyes and saw Taehyung smiling down at him.

What a sight... Taehyung was an angel... He was glowing... He was so beautiful... Jungkook felt tears falling from his eyes once more, making him unable to thank Taehyung for saving his life. He felt so tired that the hard, cold, carpeted floor felt comfortable on his back. His head was pounding and he wanted to fall asleep, but he didn't want to stop staring at Taehyung. And then, to his worry, the Angel's smile fell.

- ...Let me help you get up. -

Taehyung held him by the arms and slowly helped him get to his feet. Once Jungkook was standing, his knees gave weight and he had to grab Taehyung's arms, but he was fine, Taehyung had him. When he could stand on his own, Taehyung let him go, and Jungkook felt so cold again that he wrapped his arms around his middle. Then he noticed a slight stain where he had grabbed Taehyung by the arm and he looked down at his hand. It had blood from his lip. He looked back up and saw Tom was a couple of paces away, looking at him with a frown and his mouth shut.

- Do you feel like you need to go to the hospital wing? - Jungkook looked back at Taehyung. He didn't want to go to the hospital wing, no even if his lip was bleeding, but what if he said no and they kept going to the Headmaster's office? Maybe he could say yes and make something up so he wouldn't have to go to the hospital wing after all.

Right when he was about to nod at Taehyung, the nightmare got worse.

- Professor Taehyung? -

His eyes widened as he looked at Taehyung. That voice... it was his mother's... He looked to the side and saw her walking closer to them from another corridor, papers in hand and a frown on her forehead.

- Mrs. Abram. - Gretted Taehyung when he turned around to see her, taking a step away from Jungkook.

- Hello, Professor. - She greeted back with a frown while she looked at Tom and then at Jungkook. And Jungkook saw when she understood they had been in a fight because she sighed heavily. - Were you taking them to the Headmaster? -

Jungkook felt a twitch of pain in his heart and looked down. Her son was bleeding, and she only looked disappointed. What happened to the kiss he gave her on the cheek before he left the car? Was that the last one?

- Yes Ma'am. - Nodded Taehyung. Or better: Mr. Kim.

- Good. Let's go then. -

Jungkook took a shaky breath.

She continued walking up the corridor they were in and Taehyung followed, then Tom, and Jungkook, feeling alone again, followed as well. It took some time for his legs to wake up properly and the vibrant red color of the carpet was not helping the mild pain in his head, but he forced himself to keep walking, feeling like a chained man.

His mind was so tired of thinking. For a moment, he thought he saw his mother and Taehyung talking. When they got to the elevators, he felt dread come to him again. He'd just experienced what felt like suffocation, he didn't want to get inside a cramped space for a while.

- Jungkook, come here. - His mother called him in a calm voice from inside the elevator while Tom was getting in. He slowly and tentatively shook his head and saw how Taehyung, looking concerned, was about to say something. But his mother didn't notice when she cut him off. - Jungkook, get in here, now. - Her calmed voice had changed to a threatening one. Unwanting, Jungkook got inside the elevator and went straight to the other corner, furthest away from his mother.

If he had felt any stronger, he would've gone away, completely defying his mother's orders, but right now he was in no fit state either mentally or physically. He heard his mother sigh again more heavily and his shoulders tensed up even more than before.

When they got out of the elevator he couldn't feel any kind of comfort. The wide, tall, and shining white ornamented door of the Headmaster's office was right in front of them, he looked from side to side and how there were wide corridors left and right of them, but that was all he was able to see for his mother had kept walking and they had to follow. Instead of knocking on the door, she went to the side where there was a button with a camera lens on top it. She pushed the button, waited, and, after two seconds, a beeping sound answered.

- Yes? - The voice of his father came from the little speaker, and even if it sounded calm, it made Jungkook flinch. Taehyung noticed and looked at him in alarm.

- A violence problem. - She said, simply. A silence came from the other side of the line and then they heard a click on the door.

His mother walked to the doorknob and turned it, pushing the left door open. Jungkook's heart was beating hard in his chest but he was careful in taking deep breaths, he didn't want what just happened to happen again. His mother walked inside and waited for them to pass, then Taehyung got in, followed by a tensed-looking Tom, and then the terrified Jungkook.

This was his first time in his father's office. It was wide, with carpeted floors of a dark red color, tall windows with a clear view of the first garden, and a wide, wooden table on the right side corner, closest to the door, a seating area with armchairs by the left side of the door, a wide bookshelf on the right corner beside the windows, and what looked to be a bar was situated on the left corner by the windows. There were also doors on the left and right walls, but those were closed.

His father was reading some papers on the desk facing the door, not looking up. Jungkook heard the door shut behind them and noticed how his mother had left them there. Then his father took off his glasses and looked up.

When he saw Jungkook right in the middle of the other two, he stood from his chair and turned around, facing the window as he placed his hands on his hips. Jungkook's head fell.

- Names. - Said his father with the stentorian voice he often used when he was angry.

- Tom Roy, Sir. - Answered Tom in a clear voice, he had his arms folded over his chest.

Jungkook had been dreading this, he didn't want to, he didn't, but he couldn't prolong the silence even more.

- ...Jungkook. - He said in a tiny voice.

But his father didn't stop then.

- Just... "Jungkook"? -

Jungkook bit his lip and hissed, letting go of it. He didn't want to say it, not in front of Taehyung.

- Jungkook... Jeon Abram. - He heard two sharp intakes of breath and saw from the corner of his eyes how Tom and Taehyung turned sideways to look at him. But all he cared about was the little step backward Taehyung took.

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 11,

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Your devoted writer,

Ela Shadow Rose 🥀

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