Loqui Eum

Talk it Out

All the way to the Students' Living Area, Jungkook spent it looking straight at the floor and walking swiftly thru deserted corridors he hadn't gone through before. Following logic, he managed to make his way through labyrinth-like pathways until finally, the glass doors were in sight. But, other than following his logic, he could do nothing else. He could not even be frightened by a shadow or the silence or even the slight drizzling of the rain.

The first night he had slept with Taehyung, he had felt so elated, cared for, and in love, that the world couldn't be better. However, this new type of love felt... older, somehow. In a way, he felt his love for Taehyung had matured, strengthened, and solidified; it's not like pretty clouds but instead the hard and real ground beneath his feet. It wasn't a dream anymore, he doesn't have doubts anymore, and even if he had always known that he wouldn't want to live in a world without Taehyung, it wasn't until tonight that he could feel the actual change as if it was a part of his own body.

He truly couldn't live without him. It wasn't like he didn't want to, it wasn't an exaggeration but it also wasn't a threat against his own life, it simply was the fact that, given how his life had been so far, he knew that if there was a future without Taehyung, he won't walk it. Without being desperate nor obsessive he could soberly and truthfully say with no waver: "If my eyes will not gaze him, I shall not see. If my hands do not touch him, I shall not feel. If my lips do not kiss him, I shall not be."

They can put that on his gravestone. Because there's no other way he'll let himself be killed.

This is why this feeling is not rash but natural. So long as he lives by his side, so will he; so long as he's threatened, he will fight; so long as he loves him, he will love him back. And he knows for an undying fact that Taehyung felt the same way, he saw it in his eyes tonight.

He saw himself reflected in his eyes as if he was looking at the most beautiful star and felt his body worshiping him like the most devoted follower to a God. There aren't two people in this place who love each other as deeply as they do, and now they know why.

They met in a past life. Not only that, but they loved each other back then too. And judging by Hoseok's and the other two's swift (attempted) stopping of their night, back then, it seemed, their love had shined so much that "Darkness" had attacked them and their people. Because it also seemed like "their people" were those E.V.Is, and that's how they know them and recognize them and... have memories with them.

Jungkook's foot stopped in his tracks. He was about to go straight towards his room, but remembering Garrett's father made him also remember something else. Which was a memory of a threat made against someone he loved just so he would do as they said.

Leo...

Will those three know that Taehyung and himself have... broken the promise? Will they really hurt Leo? They had already hurt Leo, that was the last thing he remembered of his friend being mentioned in that more than uncomfortable talk. He thought of looking into his bag for his phone just so he knew the time, but... he was too tired, and they were most likely still awake. So he simply redirected his walk upwards towards the third floor where his friend's room would be and knocked on the door.

- Who is it? -

- Jungkook. - He said with dull tones. The happiness and bliss he had felt were hidden away in his chest so nothing on the outside could harm it, but that also meant that he couldn't reach for it right now.

In two audible strides, the other person reached the door and yanked it open.

Jungkook had to take a step back with how angry August was looking at him. Jungkook looked up and down his frame and found him so dirty that it seemed like he had fallen into mud right beneath the rain. Even if it had all dried and he seemed to have tried to clean his face off dirt and... blood... he still looked terrible.

Without greeting, the ghost stepped aside to let him pass. And Jungkook did so slowly.

Only to find Garrett in an even worse state as he sat on the floor against the far wall between the two nightstands while Hoseok leaned against his desk in his usual disappointed fashion.

There was not a single stain on him, while the other two had mud from head to toe. It was obvious what had happened, so he didn't ask about it.

- Where's Leo? - Jungkook demanded without a change in his tone. Only dullness, even boredom, could be sensed.

Hoseok looked at him very intently, up and down, slowly, squinting his eyes and pursing his lips. Jungkook tensed over a little at the sensation that he was trying to intrude upon his physical place with those knowing eyes. But, to his astonishment and relief, Hoseok took a deep breath and looked away as he folded his arms over his chest.

- He's taking a shower. Then he'll be going back to Green Eyes. -

- Why's he taking a shower? -

- He spent too long lying on the floor. -

Jungkook's breath stuttered.

- What did you do for him to fall? -

- I hit him in a very specific part of the Thoracoabdominal region with enough energy to temporarily shut down the whole nervous system. In other words, I forced his brain to go to sleep. -

...mhm...

So that was why August nearly let slip that Namjoon was the one looking after Leo. Because that had been exactly what had happened.

Jungkook blinked twice.

- And what did he think of you when he saw you again? - He frowned in disbelief and pursed his lips.

But Hoseok gave him half a grin.

- The good thing about knowing how to make this very specific maneuver is the power of deciding how much you wish your target to remember. Meaning that he does not remember he even got hit. We simply got back, put him on his bed, and waited until he opened his eyes to tell him that he had fainted. -

The more he knows about these people, the more skeptical of their ways it made Jungkook. He might've been part of them in his past life but, with the way he was now, he couldn't help but find only flaws. They seemed to like knowing how to torment people, and, on more than one occasion, he had the impression that they also believed themselves to be above the rest in an unhelpful way.

Whatever Garrett had said about wishing to get rid of all evil, it appears quite hard to do if evil had started to grow within them.

Looking at how Garrett wasn't even lifting his beaten face to look at him, Jungkook could only grimace at Hoseok.

- And Namjoon? -

- He left before we arrived. - He clicked his tongue in distaste.

There could only be two things he wanted to do but couldn't, either he wanted to speak more to Namjoon about what he knew, or he wanted to do the same thing he did to Leo and erase his memory.

Really, only flaws.

- Did you break the promise, boy? - Yoongi said out of a sudden from the closed door, and once Jungkook turned to look, this guy looked like he just wanted to "paint" his face as purple as Garrett's.

Whatever Garrett might've said or done, Jungkook felt like this person -the one who had been so utterly kind to him when his head was fit to burst- never deserved to be punished like that.

- I wish I had if it would've backfired on you. - Jungkook lied easily as he grimaced looking him up and down. And didn't let him answer before he turned his head back around and walked toward Garrett.

If they had to ask him upfront, then they had no means to know for a fact if Taehyung and himself had done it or not. But Jungkook still felt like he was walking over thin ice.

He was closer to Garrett, but not even when he knelt before him did he look up.

- Hey. - Jungkook whispered as he reached with his hands and grabbed his shoulder. But even if he had done it gently, Garrett still hissed and shut his eyes.

At that moment, the door to the bathroom opened. Jungkook turned his head as he let go of Garrett and saw his brother walking out with wet hair, shivering as if cold, and with eyes that seemed guilty, looking down at the floor. But once Jungkook stood up slowly to assess him better, he looked up and opened his eyes wider.

- Kook? - It was as if he remembered something when he looked around at each, in turn, ending in Hoseok frowning at him. - You were talking about him before I--

- Us? -

Jungkook turned to look at him, but Hoseok looked as if genuinely confused. Turning back to his brother, he noticed as doubt filled him before he looked back down again.

This was not right. They're filling him with insecurity about his own mind and memory, this was not right.

- Mn, sorry. - Leo muttered before turning towards his chest of drawers and taking his bag from where it lay over it. But, as he started to slide it off the surface, he stopped short. Appearing to have remembered something else as his eyes widened and the outer corners of his eyebrows turned down. - Can I... stay here tonight? -

But... this is his room, why is he asking--? Why does he sound so nervous?

- No. - Yoongi answered, louder than him. - I have to stay here for the time being. You go to Green Eyes. -

And with a never-before-seen little nod, Leo took his bag and walked towards the door August was opening up.

Jungkook followed only because he detested the energy in the room, and didn't say anything else as he walked out behind him.

They walked in strange silence and Jungkook glanced and glanced again but everything he saw was even worse than before. Shoulders slumped and inwards, hiding his chest, head down, face unreadable, and, once they reached the stairs, he all but flattened himself against the wall opposite him.

- ...Leo--

- Do I look sick? - The sudden whisper and eye contact caught him so off guard that Jungkook stopped walking right before they reached the floor below.

For a moment, there was only silence and a single long stare. But, once Jungkook started to show his worry, Leo's chest started filling up with air as if in astonishment at his own actions. However, before he said anything, Jungkook tried to speak.

- You just look tired. Maybe it was because... because of what happened at lunch. Don't worry. - He was speaking out of his arse. He had no idea what to say to make things better because he had no idea what was wrong. But Leo still answered, as if begging silently,

- ...it was just... the adrenaline, you say. -

- Yes, yes, of course. - Jungkook nodded and smiled as if sure of something he had no idea what. Anything to get that expression off his face.

- Ok... ok... -

No, it was not ok. What was wrong with him?

They kept on walking downwards and reached their floor. However, Jungkook noticed from the corner of his eye how Leo intended to turn and walk down the other flight of stairs. But there was nothing more than the study rooms, arcade room, and the exit.

It was but a second in which time seemed to slow down around Jungkook and his brain came up with an answer. It was simple to come up with, actually, once he knew where to look.

Leo had been fine at lunch, fighting with him about Taehyung and sharing his dessert with him, all until Finn's hand twitched. It seemed Leo had noticed enough for it to worry him. But why react this way right now? Or more like, why would he react this way if nothing happened after that? Since Jungkook had left with Garrett through the sudden commotion, he doesn't know where his friends had gone or even where Emily could be right now. Because of reason, though, he thinks Emily was in her room. But it was through deduction that he could only guess Leo had gone with Finn back to the latter's room. Therefore, something happened in that room while they were alone, something that made him go back to his own room and be there the moment Hoseok and the others were talking with Namjoon about him -Jungkook-. And, if he has no recollection of the punch and something happened in Finn's room that made him want to stay in his own room, then he could only think that whatever happened... had to do with the hand Finn had stretched out ready to clean the chocolate from his lips.

Something... Something that made Leo so doubtful that he had no anger to snap at anybody because the anger was with himself, the doubt was with himself, the fear... the fear...?

He was afraid of himself.

This week had been so life-changing for Jungkook that he had no fear nor doubt in his body as he stretched out a hand and grabbed Leo's upper arm harshly, stopping him before he could take the first step downwards. Stopping him, before he could take the first step that would only lead him down an endless spiral of despair.

As he expected, Leo flinched as if suddenly touched by a hot pan and opened his eyes wide with shock. And, the moment he found he couldn't free himself from Jungkook's hold, he looked around them in a frenzy. Afraid out of his mind that anybody might see them touching.

For Jungkook, this was all the confirmation he needed.

He gave an almighty tug and dragged an unwilling Leo towards the long corridor on the left, straight to Finn's room. He won't let his brother make himself sleep anywhere that isn't a comfortable bed just because this fear clung to him; fear thanks to this wretched society. Jungkook himself had already suffered through it, and if it hadn't been for Taehyung, he would surely have died inside already. He won't let Leo suffer alone. It doesn't matter what might be going on between him and Finn, the only thing that matters is that Leo's first reaction was to push himself away from everybody because he was doubting himself. He asked "do I look sick?", he seems to have just taken a freezing cold shower, and he looks so trapped inside his own mind. If this is only after one afternoon, then what would happen to him after one week?

No, Jungkook won't let him.

So, he clenched his teeth, grabbed both of his arms, and dragged him. And, as if he was taking him to the edge of a cliff, Leo tried to free himself by trying to step in the opposite direction. However, Jungkook was fuming like never before, so Leo's feet could only slide through the floor. He heard him struggling to break free, trying with all his might not to attract attention as he pushed the other way. But there was no boulder Jungkook could not move right now.

Funnily enough, this was the very first time he felt his physical strength come from within.

- P-please... - Leo whispered with laboring breaths as he tried and tried to break free. But his steps would always slide as Jungkook walked further. He didn't answer and didn't stop, so Leo tried again, whispering through clenched teeth once more. - I didn't do anything. Please, I didn't do anything... -

This... This was exactly why Jungkook was doing this. This fear made a fool out of people. Leonardo was not this begging, frightened, weak, sick-looking man, he was a Lion, a warrior, a fighter, and yet, right now, it seems like he believed with his whole being that Jungkook was dragging him to a corner to beat him up.

- Kook, please, I'm sorry, I didn't, I swear I didn't, I promise you... -

He started crying. Crying. Leonardo was crying in fright when all his life it had been the other way around and others were the ones cowering away. Jungkook had been away all but one afternoon and his mighty friend descended to a minuscule ant.

Jungkook was so angry, so incredibly angry, and the words he once heard Tom uttering towards him came flying back into his mind: "I'm angry at the world".

This was Darkness, it had to be.

Grabbing a good hold of each of his wrists, he gave a tremendous tug and destabilized Leo enough to pull him towards the corridor to their right with windows to the left and doors to the other side. Finn's door was at the end of that corridor, and Leo looked back at him with terrified wide eyes. But Jungkook's face could transpire nothing but loathing. He knew it wasn't a good tactic if he wanted to reassure his friend, but all he had in mind right now was to get to that room. So, he grabbed him by his forearms as tightly as he could and walked straight and sure, making him walk backward as he panted with fright.

Frozen tear tracks glistened on his pale cheeks and Jungkook thought for a millisecond just how awful this scene would look to anybody else. Maybe Leo was right in looking so scared if he realized at the same moment as Jungkook that his sudden question could only be connected to what happened at lunch and now he was being dragged to Finn's room by someone he thinks will surely think him sick in the head. But if that was the case and Leo really thought he was capable of forgetting their friendship so easily to attack him, then Jungkook was in all his right to be angry.

Even if Leo was taller by half a head and broader by half a bicep, he was so frightened right now that he was nothing but a foam figure to Jungkook.

In one last attempt, Leo looked at him and shook his head imploringly, but just then, Jungkook flattened him against the wall beside Finn's door and knocked three times with his foot so as to not let go of him. This was the most they had ever touched each other in their whole friendship, and given how Leo was still trying to run away, the touching hadn't stopped. It was unstoppable to wonder what Leo must be feeling physically right now because the Jungkook of today was experiencing nothing in regards to it for the first time. Before, he used to feel like it was wrong, like it should only be Taehyung touching him, but today he felt neither uncomfortable nor disloyal as he pushed Leo's forearms tightly against his ribcage so he wouldn't move.

The doorknob moved then and Leo's eyes snapped wide open as he froze. Jungkook saw the door opening slower than usual, but his attention was diverted by Leo's sudden attempt at freeing himself, so he tightened his hold and gritted his teeth to then throw his friend into the room. Leo fell on his back and slid a couple of steps -his bag sliding off his shoulder behind him- before stopping himself by half-sitting between both beds. Hurriedly, Jungkook entered the room and closed the door, locking it.

Now that they were both finally inside the room, Jungkook swayed his eyes away from a panting and teeth-gritting Leo to watch what that smooch on the floor beside him was. Apparently, it was the covers and blankets of the bed Leo had used the night before. They were thrown aside as if violently, but the pillow remained over the bed.

Jungkook's eyes glued themselves on that image: A disheveled bed, undone in what seemed to be anger, and a single pillow resting over it, beside the open window. It was as if... someone had been hugging that pillow while looking out the window.

A chill ran down Jungkook's spine. He snapped his wide eyes at Leo, but the latter was looking resolutely at the floor, gritting his teeth as tears fell silently, shaking slightly instead of sobbing. It was the image of a guilt-ridden person.

Jungkook was suddenly frightened. He didn't want to look to his other side, he was afraid of what he'd find. But he gathered all his courage... and looked at Finn.

All the courage left his body at the sight and he jolted slightly. Finn had silently sat himself down with his back against the door's wall and his side against his chest of drawers, hugging his knees against his chest and hiding his face between them. Jungkook had jolted because the image had reminded him instantly of Jimin, and all he had ever associated with Finn was the way he had smiled that first day they met, never someone like Jimin.

What happened?

Gently, Jungkook took two steps toward him. Finn heard him and slightly lifted his head as if startled, but Jungkook didn't stop, and instead, he knelt beside him. Without saying a word, he placed a hand over his shoulder. He was so worried, so afraid to know what had happened. But he surely never thought he would find something like this.

When Finn lifted his face to look at him, he was black and blue. There was a cut on his left cheekbone, another in the left corner of his lip and his left cheek was already purplish.

Jungkook knew who had punched him, not only because he had seen this exact same injury countless times before on other people, but because the attacker was currently crying in that very room.

Jungkook's stare slowly fell to the floor as he gently lifted himself up, letting go of Finn. He didn't know what his own face looked like and he didn't care as he turned to face Leo once more.

Now, things have changed somewhat.

- What the fuck did you do? -

Leo pursed his lips and blinked furiously to try and ease the tears, but he said nothing.

Finn was a friend, his friend. It appears that Leo could easily imagine Jungkook attacking him because he was the first one who did it. Forgetting a friendship in the blink of an eye and charging forward.

Jungkook didn't know if he was angrier at the world for turning Leo into this... Or being angry at Leo for being like this even if he knew it was wrong.

- What the fuck did you do, Leonardo? -

- I punched him. - He answered in a flash. The sudden sound of his full name seems to have frightened him even more.

That's when Jungkook remembered that Leo's parents use that tactic only when their son does something they're really displeased with.

But he couldn't soften his voice for him. It doesn't matter if they're brothers, Leo had just assaulted a very loyal and kind friend of his.

- And why the fuck did you do that, huh? - He spoke slowly but not at all softly, his eyebrows knitted together in disbelief.

- I... I... - Leo was in utter disarray. He couldn't even lift his chin from his chest.

- Did he piss you off? -

- No. - He whispered back hastily.

- Did he say something he shouldn't have? -

- ...no. - Too slow.

- Did he do something he shouldn't have? -

- ... - Nothing.

Bingo.

- Yes. - Finn said suddenly. Lifeless and humorless. Making Jungkook turn his head to look at him looking straight to his knees. - It was all my fault. - And then slowly, he lifted his stare to look straight at him. - Leave him alone. -

...what?

- He was the one who hit you. - Jungkook started, quite confused. - No matter what you did, he should've never hit you. -

- Why do you want to fight for me all of a sudden? You usually ignore me. - He said with a shrug like it really didn't matter to him in the slightest that his face was currently turning deep purple due to the hand of a friend. Just what is this?

Jungkook shook his head rapidly as if to clear the displeasure of finding out that, yes, he usually does seem to ignore Finn. But that was never his intention, he simply didn't know how to speak to him. There was something about Finn that made him feel too bare, like his eyes were able to look right through him; it was unnerving and uncomfortable.

- Look. - He said steadily, but with all the air of someone that wanted to make the other person open their eyes. - I'm not doing this because we're best buddies, I'm doing this because it's wrong all around. No matter how angry he is, he should've never hit you. -

- Jungkook, I get what you're saying. - His head leaned back to rest against the wall. - Nevertheless, do not get involved. I get that you're angry, but you're just making this worse than it is. - He shrugged again.

No, something else was wrong here. Jungkook squinted his eyes at him.

- So, what you're saying is that you would've simply let him be? Let him hit you and get out of the room, and what? See you tomorrow like nothing happened? - He was so sure that this wasn't the case that he even allowed himself a grin.

But then...

- Yes. -

His grin disappeared.

- What do you mean "yes"? - He was now angry at Finn for this... this weak answer. After everything he himself had to fight against this past week and was still fighting, Jungkook was so disgusted with the idea of giving up that the state of Finn was making him furious.

- I mean... - Finn sighed and looked down at the floor. - I would've let him hit me... and let him see me tomorrow. -

His voice was so lifeless... a tear slid down his cheek...

- But why? - Jungkook whispered. His heart suddenly ached at the sight of him, burning anger turning to cold sadness.

Finn shrugged.

- Because it's no big deal. I did something and he reacted because of it... - His voice trailed away like he wanted to say something else.

Jungkook realized then that his own anger hadn't been the only one that cooled down. He took a step forwards once more and knelt to be level with his beaten face. He saw just how the tears rolled over his injuries and knew from experience that they hurt just like lemons to a cut, but Finn never winced nor tried to dry them away.

- ...and? - Jungkook asked softly again, trying to make him say what he truly wanted to say.

At last, Finn took a deep breath and slowly lifted his stare. He looked so tired, so old, so in pain...

- He's my only friend. - He whispered back to him, and Jungkook's heart cracked. - Yes, what he did hurt and it should've never come to this, but I really would prefer to just let him go so he would calm down, and then talk to him the next time we see each other. I know Leo didn't want to hit me, I really do. So, we'll talk and work together so this never happens again. I... - He swallowed down his sob and tried again. - I'm afraid I'm the type of person you don't like, Jungkook... I do not wish to fight... I believe in the power of words so I believe that I'll be able to keep my only friend so long as we're honest. For example, I still don't know why exactly he hit me, but once we talk, I'll know, and I'll be able to answer him something he possibly didn't know as well. So... thank you for bringing him... but, please, just leave. -

Jungkook blinked, dumbfounded. He didn't want to, but he couldn't just leave without one more answer.

- You do realize this might very well turn into a toxic relationship if you let him beat you up? That the moment he wants to throw punches, he will because he knows you won't lift your fists? That he might just leave and never come back to "talk it out"? -

Anger and sadness, sadness and anger; his chest was still confused as to what he was feeling exactly. But the next answer stopped everything short.

- Yes, I do. - He sighed again. - These types of relationships aren't new to me. -

Suddenly, Leo punched the floor and yelled.

- NO! -

Jungkook was so startled that he jumped to his feet and faced him. Leo was still sitting on the floor, but now he had leaned forward on his knees so he could punch the floor over and over again with the side of his fist as he yelled and yelled in anguish through his tears.

- NO! NO! FUCK! I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE! NO! -

Jungkook was just about to stop him, fearing that he might just wake up somebody. But he stopped on his own, letting out a pitiful, painful sob as he held himself up on his straight arms. And then he looked up beside Jungkook's legs to look straight at Finn. His face was red and glistening with tears, the corners of his mouth looking down, the middle of his eyebrows pulling up as he looked at what he'd done.

Then he pushed himself back, hugged his knees to his chest, and hid his face there as he shook all over. Crying as Jungkook had never seen him cry before.

- Jungkook. - Finn called him gently, so he looked; his own expression conflicted. - You can leave now. - Finn nodded in a reassuring way.

But, could he really leave? If he left, how could he ensure that his friend didn't hurt this kind person? If he left, how could he be sure that Finn would tell him the truth when he said that all was well?

But, most importantly, ...why was he suddenly desperate to defend other people?

In his confusion, he nodded at him once and turned around. Leaving with a very conflicted frown, and closing the door behind him without knowing how to feel about it all.

In the sudden silence of the corridor, he looked out the windows and thought that, no matter how Finn had said it, he really did the right thing in dragging Leo here. If only to rush the process of them speaking to each other so his friend didn't try to run away from his problems.

And with that somewhat-reassuring thought, he walked off to his own room.

Finn sighed, swallowing down painfully and lifting the back of his hands to try to dry his face. But the moment he touched his left cheek, he hissed and winced. At once, he noticed from the corner of his eye that Leo had lifted his head to look at him, but the moment he turned to look back, he immediately averted his gaze.

Ashamed. He was obviously ashamed of what he'd done. He had only now said that he never wanted to be one more person who had hurt him. And Finn believed him wholeheartedly; he was not violent, he didn't want to be violent, and he was actually the most compassionate and empathic guy he had ever met.

All Finn could think about as he looked at him trying to dry his face was that Leo was so utterly against hurting him that he had reacted this strongly. Hitting the floor in nothing but self-loathing.

He was never taught to speak his feelings, that was all.

Suddenly, Leo stood up and walked hastily towards the bathroom, slapping the switch, turning on the white light, and immediately opening up drawers and cabinets.

Finn left him be since he did feel very tired. But he wasn't afraid. Maybe it was because of everything he had lived through that he couldn't be easily frightened by other people, but he was still sure it was because he trusted Leo. He trusted the anger he saw; he trusted that he never wanted to hurt him. So he simply sat and gently patted his face dry, swallowing down any upcoming tears.

The reason for his tears was quite difficult to explain. For starters, this situation of "doing/saying something he shouldn't, getting hit by a close friend, and letting that friend come back like nothing" had indeed happened before, however, that time was quite different because the person he had called a friend back when he was fourteen, never cared about his feelings, unlike Leo who obviously does. But still, this punch hit a nerve that was rooted too deep inside of him. The way that last "friendship" ended had been... awful. Just like many others. So, he got triggered. On the other hand, he was also crying because he was frightened that another awful person had entered his life, but he was also frightened at the thought of losing Leo. However, he knew Leo was different, so he hugged that pillow and breathed in the cold air to calm down.

Right when he finished drying up his face beside the door, Leo came walking out of the bathroom with angry steps, frowning as he stared ahead, harshly opened the door, and ran out.

But he didn't close the door behind him like last time, so Finn was sure he would return shortly.

He stood up slowly, holding himself up against the wall, while his body protested in its tiredness, and then walked towards his own bed. He didn't even glance at the bathroom since he had no intention of turning off the light Leo had left on, and simply sat down on his own bed to then lay down with his feet still on the floor.

He laid just as he had been, right before Leo had walked out of the bathroom and...

Finn sighed and closed his eyes, swallowing down the pain. The sight of Leo's anger being directed at him... even if he tried, he couldn't erase it from his mind. There had been no pain in those dark eyes as he clutched his teeth at him, there had been no stopping his sudden, inexplicable rage, and the moment Finn had tried to place a hand on his shoulder-- Finn jolted and opened his eyes once more.

He needed to clear this up as fast as he could, he couldn't lose him. He didn't want to lose him. It'll be too painful if he lost him. He had already lost too much, too many, for too long...

Adrian...

Finn's breathing quickened, his chest tightened, the corners of his mouth shook and his vision blurred until wet tracks made their way down his temples. He pressed a hand to his mouth to stop himself from sobbing and slowly sat up so he could calm down again.

He was simply feeling too emotional right now, that's all, it'll only be normal for him to cry out about everything that had ever pained him once the tears started to fall, so it was obvious that he would end up thinking of Adrian sooner or later.

Adrian and the sound of him choking...

At once, Finn clutched both hands to his throat and slid off the bed to sit on the floor. He reminded himself over and over that there was nothing on his neck, that there was nothing tied to his neck closing his windpipe; over and over he rubbed at his neck and reminded himself that there was air going into his lungs and he was fine.

He let one of his hands go and placed it on the floor; hard, cold, the floor of his room in Evanthe. Then he opened his eyes and looked up, out the window; dark, cloudy, the night sky over Evanthe. He listened closely to the things around him and could hear nothing but the wind outside and a little paper fluttering where he had left his own bag; a paper of his notebook which he keeps in his bag, a notebook from a class he has in Evanthe.

Finn took a very deep breath, smelled the cold, rich scent of woods, and relaxed every muscle in his body.

There. That was it. Now he was calm once more.

This was a technique he had to learn on his own when he was seventeen. The panic attacks came in full force at that time because that was when he chose to stop... drugging himself.

No, no, feel the floor, look out the window, listen to the wind, smell the woods, calm down.

Thinking of anything of the sort right now might just worsen everything, he had to remain focused on the present.

Just as he was letting go of a deep breath was when he started to hear faint running footsteps nearing his door. It seemed the person was sprinting with everything they had. However, it wasn't until this person stopped himself short by grabbing his threshold that Finn realized it was Leo.

He looked at him with no particular emotion on his face, however, his chest expanded. And the next tear that wanted to fall was not as cold as the other ones.

Leo was panting fast and deeply, his forehead and neck glistening with a faint mist of sweat, and once he stepped slowly into the room was when Finn realized he had a frozen gel bag wrapped in napkins clutched in his hand. Leo gently closed the door behind him, so he didn't realize Finn's faint smile.

Leo had run all the way to the hospital wing and back... to bring him ice for his wound.

Smiling hurt his face, but he couldn't help it.

Leo didn't look at him. Instead, he averted his eyes down at the thing in his hand as he walked over to the bathroom. Finn waited for him as he looked up and out the window. There was a faint headache trying to take hold of his head, but he blinked slowly, trying to disperse it. Then, he heard the switch of the bathroom light being turned off and its door being closed. Only when he saw Leo's legs by the side of his eyes did he look up at him. But still, even with the first aid kit in one hand and a frozen bag in another, Leo refused to look in his eyes.

Finn took a deep breath... and sighed.

- Come here. - He said, gently; patting the spot beside him just as he had the first time Leo had come to his room.

The latter took a sharp intake of breath and swallowed, frowning at the things in his hands. Then he slowly knelt right where he was and placed the items between the both of them. Almost like a peace offering.

But Finn could see that was far from what he wanted to do.

- You can come closer. - He told him just as gently. But Leo shook his head as the corners of his lips pulled downwards.

- I can't. - The whisper, agonizing.

- Yes, you do. - The reminding, honest.

- I'm not worthy of--... even looking--... I did--... I shouldn't have--... - His sentences were cut by sudden intakes of breath in his attempt at not spilling any more tears. - I hurt you, I hurt you, I... I did that, I punched you, I hurt you... - It was as if he still couldn't believe his own words, his own actions; he clutched at his chest with both hands and shook his head at the ground as if crying out for an explanation for his own actions.

- You didn't want to do it, Leo. - Finn reminded him softly.

- No, I didn't. -

- Then come here. - He smiled as softly as his tone and only then did Leo slowly raise his head. Then, hesitantly, lifted his eyes to look at him.

Just like it had before, the corners of his eyebrows pulled down like the corners of his lips. He looked to be in worse agony than Finn could comprehend. And that was because he had so much to learn about him.

- You didn't hit me, Leo. - Finn shook his head slowly, making it clear for both of them at the same time. Even if the latter frowned in disagreement, he still shook his head. - It wasn't you. I know it wasn't you. You would've never hurt me. You're crying because you're hurt at seeing me hurt; you're angry at the one who attacked me, and so, you're angry at yourself. But just because you do something doesn't mean you wanted to. You didn't want to hurt me, yet you did it. And I believe it was because someone else at some other point in time told you to do it; I believe others forced you to be this violent man and that's why it only comes out once you've had enough of something. It isn't part of you, it's another you, so it is not you. Therefore... you didn't hit me, Leo. -

His companion sat with an unreadable expression. But, slowly, it turned into faint despair; confusion, intrigue, and awe.

- How... How do you know? How can you be so sure? - He shook his head. Not as a way of telling him that he -Finn- had no idea what he was talking about, but to ask him exactly how he got to the right answer before he himself did.

That was so easy to answer, in fact, that Finn let out a soft chuckle.

- I can see it in your eyes. - Leo's body froze as he stared at him. But Finn remained relaxed against the side of his bed. - For a while now, I've become quite good at reading the eyes. So... I can tell. - He shrugged. Because, for him, it was just normal to be sure of others' musings with just one look of his eyes, but for Leo...

Leo took in a deep breath and slowly placed his palms on the floor. Then, slowly, he slid closer to him, pushing the other things to the side and sitting next to him, cautiously. Then, he leaned back against the side of his bed and looked up at the window, seeming to be holding his breath. His shoulders were too tense, and there was only a one-hand distance between them. That hand being Leo's.

Finn hasn't stopped looking at him for one second. For starters, he needed to remind himself that Leo was Leo and not any other person who had ever hurt him in the past; and also... he was waiting. Waiting for his reaction once he let go of that breath and finally moved once more; whether it'd be an eyebrow raised or a complete movement of his body, he wanted to make sure what it was, just so he could be sure of what he was thinking.

However, once Leo moved again, it was too swift: His eyebrows rose, his eyes widened, and next second, he was reaching with his other hand for something by his other side.

Once Finn had caught this movement and was about to move his own head to see what it was, Leo was already presenting him with the frozen gel wrapped in already damp napkins.

Finn looked down at it, up at him, and once he saw that Leo was simply frowning at the object he was handing over, he reached to receive it. As the corners of his lips uncontrollably lifted, he made sure not to touch him while taking the frozen bag. And, to conceal his smile, he immediately placed it over the side of his face.

He sighed and closed his eyes, the hotness of pain ebbing away gently, letting him relax for a bit once more; leaning his head back while his right hand held the ice to his left cheek and the other hand rested over his bent knee before him.

But it wasn't long before the silence was gently lifted by a soft whisper at his side.

- I'm sorry. -

Finn didn't enjoy the utter guilt in those words. Though, he didn't detest them either. He understood that it was a good sign for Leo to feel guilty because it meant that he was fully aware of his own mistake, however, objectiveness aside, Finn couldn't bear to hear him in such mental agony. So, he answered something that would be adequate for both Leo's guilt and his own sadness.

Finn opened his eyes and turned to look at him directly before saying softly,

- I forgive you. - Then he smiled at him as much as he could. Leo's eyebrows pulled up in the middle at the sight, but Finn went on. - Now... help me heal this. -

Leo straightened his back and looked at him surely.

- I will. -

It was such a simple answer; so short. But the meaning, the depth; just like the night sky outside those windows, it was endless... until the sunrise came, and everything that was once in shadow was laid bare in all their realness. But, for now, they were covered by a blanket of shadows.

They looked at each other's eyes and it seemed... like the world had stopped for a moment.

Such tranquility after the storm. Such calming silence. This was exactly what Finn found in Leo's company and what he didn't want to let go of: The calm. He had never felt this calm beside someone else, he had always been shy, nervous, cutting, rude, silent, but never calm; never... free. As if he could simply sit here and look at his blue eyes and be much more delighted with the sight than with all the starry nights put together. There was a happiness that came with his company. There was a sense of security when one was next to him.

Even if he looked and found the skin under Leo's eyes to be dry and red from all the tears, he knew deep in his bones that they were for him. Because he was hurt, and that was painful for Leo. Just how could Finn's heart not be moved by such a soul?

He'd been scared when he saw Leo looking at him with bright eyes and not enough focus on his words, but that had only been because he feared being attached to their gentle blue. And so, he did.

And now, he knew he was floating higher than was wise as he wished...

If only he could hold him.

- ...we need to talk. - He muttered as silently as the breeze passing by. But Leo was paying such close attention that he could see and hear everything. Maybe that's why he stilled himself; because he heard Finn's worry.

- Yes... - Leo waited, taking in a deep breath. His eyes went back to being troubled, his eyebrows frowning a bit as he thought; the previous calm, ebbing for the moment. - I'm... Well, you know I'm not quite good at... talking, so... - Even if he was still whispering, each halting in his speech was like a cut edge.

So, Finn walked this path very carefully. Even more so than before.

- Where would you like to begin? -

But Leo shook his head. Having no ideas.

- That's alright. Then... What if we begin with the conversation we couldn't finish before? The one before you ran off to the bathroom. -

Leo's breathing stopped and Finn had the impression that it was because the subject... The reason why he ran away like that was too embarrassing to talk about.

He waited for him to say or do anything at all. And he waited as patiently as ever.

He knew both had classes the next day and had to wake up at six in the morning at best, but for Finn, having this discussion was more important than falling asleep. More so because he knew he wouldn't be able to close his eyes if he was still uncertain about things. So he would wait.

And indeed he waited what seemed like minutes before Leo was finally able to calm down enough to ask,

- What were we talking about? - His eyes diverted towards the floor.

Finn gave a faint little smile. But, upon remembering what they were talking about, it faded a bit.

- We were talking about girlfriends. Then you told me of the agreement you have with Emily, and then... you ran off. - In summary, that's how it was. But there had been something else in the way Leo had been distracted and on edge like something had been disturbing... - But I think... - Finn frowned as he looked at Leo's profile. - Something else had been bothering you before that. Since we entered the room, you were really tense. And right before running off, you said something about what happened at lunch. -

Leo's eyes moved to the other side, his head turning, as if suddenly too embarrassed to show his face to him.

Only then did Finn remember what happened at lunch before they paid attention to the telly. Now, he was the one worried. Finn swallowed, faintly frightened. Waiting... waiting...

Because he himself had been the one who caused all this. He had been the one who had nearly reached out to wipe the chocolate from his lips.

Finn wanted to groan at his own foolishness. How did he let that happen? He had been too focused on Leo, that unusual calmness freeing him from any worry and distracting him from where they were; he had looked at him, listened to him, got lost in his company, and then... when he saw him eating like a little kid, it was as if a spark of endearment had ignited in his chest. Leo had been a little messy while eating that dessert, and he was already so endearing... Finn couldn't help but be so joyful that he simply wished he could be close like that. To clean that drop from the corner of his lips and lick it, just for a laugh. But... he had forgotten. And right when he remembered which world he lived in, it was already too late; he had already reached with his hand, thumb first, eyes on his lips.

He had been sure Jungkook had seen it and was just as sure that he would tell not a single soul judging by the way he had glanced at Emily alarmingly, like he was hoping she hadn't seen it for fear of what she would do. But he hadn't realized that Leo had noticed as well. He thought he had only focused on the napkin he handed him afterward.

But it seems he had noticed. And it seems it has affected him terribly.

Finn swallowed once more and readied himself to speak.

- Leo--

- I--

But both spoke at the same time.

Leo turned his head to pay attention to him.

- Yes? -

His eyebrows were pulled up in the middle in an expecting sort of way. Could it be that Finn had worried for nothing? No. His assumptions were correct, he was sure of it. Maybe it was simple curiosity to hear what he had to say.

Simple curiosity. Simple foolishness, simple laughter, simple calm, simple... If it was always so simple, why did it become so difficult to speak?

Finn took in a deep breath and reminded himself that worry would only hold back his tongue, and they needed to speak everything out.

- Tell me the truth. - He warned him, and Leo frowned slightly. - Was it... Was it my fault that you felt uncomfortable when we got back here? - His heart was going a mile an hour even if his expression didn't show it. He was truly that worried.

Leo averted his eyes. But it was in thought. He was thinking about it. When finally, he answered.

- Not uncomfortable, just... - Now, he was at a loss for words; his eyes looking around the floor as if trying to find them. - ...con-...fused...? - Tensely and slowly he lifted his shoulders.

"Confused"?

Finn blinked and opened his mouth but... he closed it again and tried again but... closed it and... tried to open it one more time.

- Did you just say "confused"? -

- Y-Yeah... - Now Leo looked uncomfortable. He looked uncomfortable admitting that Finn had confused him. Or made him confused(?

- ...Are we talking about the same thing? - Finn just had to make sure since he couldn't connect with what Leo would be confused with.

Leo looked up at him, frowning.

- Aren't we... What was your question? Did I answer wrong? -

Finn let out a chuckle.

- How would you answer wrong? No no. - He shook his head. - You did answer my question but I don't think I was clear enough in the context; it was too vague. Let's see. What exactly made you feel "confused"? -

Leo's expression turned to fright. He was afraid and worried, turning his head to look straight before him. It was obvious that what made Finn chuckle wasn't a shared sentiment. He was too tense again.

Maybe... he could...

Finn took a silent deep breath and leaned closer as slightly as he could. He was unsure... but he still tried to see if it still worked.

- Leo. - His voice was softer, gentler. Leo's eyebrows pulled up at the sound. - Remember that you're talking to me. Remember... that we're alone. I would never judge you. I will always listen to you. Remember... this is a safe place, you can say everything you need to say, you can tell me everything you need to let go of or tell me everything you wish me to know; you can, Leo. You can speak freely without any fear whatsoever. Whatever we say here, will stay here. -

As he spoke, he noticed just how Leo's face softened... the sharpness fading... the fear turning to longing... even if the worry was still there, he looked like someone who desperately wanted to believe him. Their eyes never met, but the light from the outside was enough to illuminate those unshed tears he refused to let go of.

The fear of speaking freely ran too deep. Even if he longed to talk... he was afraid of uttering a sound.

Finn understood.

So he spoke for him.

- I tried to touch you at lunch. - A tremor ran down his own spine right after he whispered this. Afraid of Leo's reaction.

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 59 <3<3<3

Your devoted writer,

Ela Shadow Rose 🥀

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