Boom

Boom

They were so inside that little bubble of theirs that they never noticed what was happening around them. They just walked and talked, sometimes whispered and laughed, but they never stopped to think that maybe something was off. Because they were so happy that they didn't want their mood to change or to sour. They've cried too much this week and even more so before they met so it was also their subconscious minds the ones that only focused on the other and their happiness.

But, if they had been paying attention since they got out of the university, they would've noticed the lack of cars on the road and the lack of people in the streets and the mall. There were so fewer people than there usually were outside on a Saturday, it would usually be crowded with people everywhere, but there was barely a family or two in the park they had passed earlier and the only kind of people walking around was either grown or little.

A sad teenager here and there on their own in a corner looking down at their phones as if waiting for something could also be found.

An ominous feeling in the cold air making the gray clouds seem the perfect setting for something bad to happen was present everywhere.

Everything, every single thing about the outside today seemed to scream that something bad was about to happen, that's why Jungkook and Taehyung ignored it all and only focused on making the other laugh and smile as they chose the curtains and bought cutlery and bickered over Taehyung wanting Jungkook to paint his plates and decorate them as he wanted.

The clouds said it all, the heaviness in the air said it all, and if they had been paying attention to the newspapers this past week, they would've known that it had said it all, every single day. Though it hadn't started, it was right there ready to blow, and they were so utterly oblivious to what was happening around them that they just continued with their shopping.

That was, until some other thing entirely happened right in front of them and their bubble snapped momentarily.

They were heading back inside after leaving what they had bought in the car, heading over to the back of the mall where there was supposed to be a market with fruits, vegetables, and meat. They walked and talked, both hands on their pockets (since Taehyung had also left his briefcase), and they were passing through a corridor with less-visited restaurants on each side. Then suddenly, it happened.

Not too far from them, a tall guy and what seemed to be his father walked out of one of the restaurants. The father had stayed in the doorway as he talked a bit more to what seemed to be the manager while the son looked around just for something to do.

And the moment Jungkook's and that guy's eyes locked, they both froze in place.

Taehyung froze beside him, mid-conversation, and Jungkook was sure he also looked in the direction he was staring at, but for him, that guy would just be a stranger. Unlike what it was to Jungkook. Or... what it once had been.

Jungkook panicked and started breathing fast as he took a step back and his hands got out from his pockets to tighten into fists. A reaction that had once been an everyday thing came back to him as suddenly as the blood that started pumping fast in his veins.

The guy had seen him, opened his eyes wide, and took a step back. Immediately, he flinched, frightened, and looked to his side, at his father's back, then back to Jungkook. And with a tense little shake of the head, he secretly motioned Jungkook to leave quickly with one of his hands before he positioned himself at his father's side, to block him from being able to glimpse at Jungkook.

Jungkook took that signal to heart and backed away at once, throwing a scared and silent glance at Taehyung to make him follow, and only when he made sure he was right beside him did he start running to the nearest corridor or bathroom or exit. Anything, anything to get him away from that man, from that parent, from that feeling.

They rounded a corner but, at the sight of people there, they had to slow to a walk.

Jungkook felt a terrible sensation in the back of the head like he was being followed. He looked around and walked tensely, looked around and breathed faster, and looked around and nearly broke to a run again at the sight of the exit at the other end of that corridor. He walked and looked around and breathed fast and nearly sobbed in fear at the scarce memory of what happened that day when that man found the two of them in his son's room.

He punched the emergency door open and walked out towards what seemed to be the back of the mall meant for trucks to leave their shipping. Mercifully, it was deserted, so Jungkook was finally able to breathe.

But the sudden glimpse of a tailored suit at the corner of his eye made him flinch away in terror.

Only to find it had been Taehyung, looking at him in concern and now pain at the step Jungkook had taken away from him.

Jungkook closed his eyes shut and groaned as he lifted his hands to his eyes. It had just been Taehyung, it had just been Taheyung's tailored suit, not theirs, his. Over and over he reminded himself where he was, what day it was, who he was with, and what they were doing until he was finally able to loosen the tension in his shoulders as he breathed out. Once he dropped his arms and opened his eyes again, he looked apologetically at Taehyung who had stayed away the extra step in between, unsure of what to do since he was still unsure of what had happened inside.

- I'm sorry. - Jungkook sighed and shook his head. But he still couldn't shake away the fear that had roused in him at the sight of that man inside. The fear of what had happened to him that day.

He shook his head again and tried to take in a tense deep breath, and Taehyung tried to speak in a near whisper.

- Who... Who is he? -

The sound of a present tense made Jungkook defensive. So he answered with a resolute finger pointing to the floor.

- He is nothing. - Jungkook declared as his eyes looked past Taehyung towards that exit door, daring any diety out there to contradict him.

But the memories... the moments, the days, the nights, the silent kindness hidden behind harsh lies, and the soft voices that only came out when both of them were alone... Jungkook's face betrayed him as it showed the pain that this meeting inflicted upon him.

He shouldn't dare deities, they like contradicting him.

Jungkook turned around, his back to the door, as he placed his hands to his eyes and walked aimlessly and unseeingly until he crouched down and finally groaned in pain. Nearly shouting in frustration.

- Why.... Why, why, why... Why? - He dropped his arms and grimaced up at the gray sky.

Now he'll have to tell Taehyung who that was and explain why he had reacted so badly. He'll have to tell him what happened that day. And it's just all so embarrassing and strange and just... tiring and traumatic and just... wrong, it was all so wrong that he had pushed it to a corner of his mind once that awful day was over.

He had left it all behind as he left school two years ago and now he was such a completely different person thanks to Taehyung that going back into those memories just made him uncomfortable and angry.

But Taehyung and himself had promised each other that they would try to open up even if it hurt. So he sighed in defeat as he smoothed his face and stood back up. He thought back on last night and how Taehyung had held him and looked him in the eyes as he apologized for wanting to keep memories from him, and Jungkook realized once more that he had been on the brink of doing that same thing to him without even realizing it.

Jungkook dusted the knees of his pants and straightened the shirt that Taehyung had lent him. Soft and gentle on his skin as the touch of its owner always was on him. He looked up and turned around to find Taehyung ready for anything as he stood right where Jungkook had left him. Worried for him, but not because he thought Jungkook was a messed up person that needed the help, no, he was worried because he loved him.

As Jungkook breathed out, he walked back to him, a bit nervous, a bit scared, a bit angry at himself, with the middle of his eyebrows a bit upwards, and his hands itching a bit towards his pockets.

Maybe, just maybe, the sight of that tailored suit did indeed scare him a bit. Just a bit.

- I'm sorry. - Jungkook said again. But right when Taehyung was about to tell him something with a reassuring stare in his eyes, the exit door some paces behind him opened up, and out came... - Fuck off. - Jungkook went back into the defensive as he locked eyes with that guy again and flinched a step back as his hands balled into fists.

Taehyung looked behind himself, and, once he found who it was, he put himself in between.

- Hey, stay right there. - His voice was as demanding as any Jungkook had ever heard.

Not his voice, a tailored suit man's voice. His father's voice. His father's stance.

Jungkook had to force himself to remember that it was Taehyung, Taehyung, Taehyung.

Taehyung was trying to protect him from whatever it was that scared him.

Raphael looked at Taehyung up and down with a quizzical stare, and Jungkook knew the second he had put his mask on way before he had squared his muscled shoulders and looked back at him as he asked,

- Is he your bodyguard or something? - He rolled his eyes and then tried to go around Taehyung.

But right when Jungkook was about to answer, Taehyung stepped to the side and blocked his way again.

- I'll be if necessary. - His voice was a threat as he said this promise, both chilling Jungkook on the spot and warming his heart.

But Raphael only took it as a challenge. He had always had, had always lived for the next great challenge to defeat. So he looked back at Taehyung with the eyes of a predator, and the second Jungkook saw his crooked grin, he jumped in and pushed Taehyung sideways and away from him as he did the same. Neither fell, for which he was grateful, but now that Taehyung wasn't in between, Raphael was the one who put his back to Taehyung so he could look at him directly and lower his fake mask enough to ask him with a stare "Who the fuck is this guy?".

The fact that to this day, he could still understand his eyes, made Jungkook highly uncomfortable.

Jungkook grimaced and looked ahead towards Taehyung who looked at him questioningly.

- He was about to punch you. - Jungkook answered him. Deciding on answering the stare of the one who mattered most to him before he looked back at the one he had in front. - And you're not allowed to do that. -

He wanted it to be a threat, menacing and frightening, but he couldn't, not when Raphael had grown a little more over and his muscles looked like they were made of stone; not when those new pink scars on his arms looked like they were made with fighting knives and his brown hair had been shaved. But it wasn't that the sight of him frightened him so much that Jungkok couldn't make a threat, it never has, it was the sight of those chocolate brown eyes that he remembers so clearly and painfully the ones that made him stop and speak low.

Raphael heard the meaning in his voice because he knew his voice so well, and, for a moment, there was only pain in his features.

Jungkook couldn't continue with this, not when Taehyung was behind him looking like he was one step away from yanking that "threat" back. Not when Taehyung was the one who took the place Raphael had wanted to take. So he looked at him deeply as he said in a near whisper.

- Get away from me. - As much a threat as it was a pleading. He needed him to get away and stay there forever. He felt like clawing at his skin at having him right here.

And somewhere deep inside of him, he hated that what happened on that awful day had torn whatever they had to shreds.

Now all he sees at the sight of him is pain.

- No. - Raphael answered. Just the same threat, and the same pleading. Just the same pain in his eyes.

Jungkook's jaw tightened as well as his fists and he felt foul the moment he said with malice,

- Go back to your father, Raphael. -

He knew he had hurt him the moment he saw his eyes widening as his breathing stopped. The memory of that awful day hunted him just like it did to Jungkook. No. It must hunt him way more than it did to Jungkook. Because it had been his idea to be in his room that day, believing that his father was away in business. So it had been his fault that once discovered, Jungkook had been taken by that man.

Raphael's eyes darted down towards the white scar on Jungkook's cheekbone before he answered again.

- No. - This time his voice carried another meaning. And that was the thing that caught Jungkook's attention because it carried a meaning. Raphael had a reason to be here, a reason to find a way to be here undiscovered by his father, a reason to be here that mattered so much that he will risk his father founding them together once more.

But there is another problem. Jungkook didn't care about his reasons. He had none. He actually had more reasons to be away than not. That's why he didn't stop Taehyung when he took Raphael's shoulder and pushed him sideways so he could put himself in the middle once more.

- He had explicitly told you to leave, if you don't do so right now, I'll call the police. - After his ultimatum, he crossed his arms over his chest and lifted his chin to look downwards at him.

But Raphael laughed coldly and humorlessly. And Jungkook grimaced because he knew the reason why before he spat back.

- My dad is the chief inspector of Bradford and Leeds. - Meaning that he's the boss of all the police officers in both cities (roughly speaking).

- And you think just because of that you're entitled to do whatever the fuck you want, you cunt? - The foreign sound of Taehyung's harsh voice and brutal words made Jungkook frown at him only because he never knew such soft lips could cut the air like that.

Not wanting for this to go on any further, Jungkook walked forwards and pushed Raphael in the chest so he would make room for him to stand in between.

- You know what? Fine. We'll go. - He made to take a step to the side. But Raphael pushed his shoulder back, stopping him.

- No. - He said harshly.

- You can't stop him from leaving. - Taehyung walked around Jungkook and pushed Raphael on the shoulder. But Jungkook yanked him back by the arm before Raphael could lift his fists.

- Where the fuck is your dad? - Jungkook said in anger and panic as he let go of Taehyung now that he was behind him once more.

- He's busy right now. - Raphael answered flatly.

- Is he!? - Jungkook shouted back with the rage of that awful day weighing down on him and the fear of it happening again tightening his lungs.

Finally, Raphael slipped and showed the slightest bit of true emotion again. Remorse. Regret. Sorrow.

Jungkook didn't want to see it.

- I'm leaving. - He shook his head, done with it for the day, and ready to walk off once more. When Raphael walked right in front of him, blocking him. - You fucking--

- Please. -

That insignificant sound of a word carried with it much more, much much more than Jungkook ever wanted to carry. That's why he stopped and stared at him. Because that little word was way worse than a pleading. He could've just as well asked him to end his suffering right then and there.

For some unknown reason, he was in agony. And Jungkook hated himself for caring about it.

- What do you even want? - Jungkook asked, barely above a whisper, as he created a barrier with his crossed arms over his chest and a frown on his face.

Raphael tightened his jaw as he looked from him to Taehyung.

- I want to talk to you alone. -

- That's not happening, buddy. - Taehyung answered from behind him, making Raphael's head twitch with anger.

- I swear I'm this close to--

- To what? - Threatened Jungkook as he took a step forward. - To what exactly? - Raphael shut up and looked angrily back down at him. His mask back on. - I'm gonna tell you something right now. If I wanted to have a private conversation with you, he would leave us alone, so if you're going to get angry at anybody for his presence, look down here. - This demeanor successfully shut everybody up and drew all attention to him. Which he took to his advantage to add. - Tell me whatever it is that you want to tell me right now because this one right here is going to hear it from me anyway and I do not want to wait for another second to see if your dear papa will come to give us a visit on this pretty little reunion we're having cause, I don't know if you know this but, he didn't like to see me alone with you that last time. So, either move aside or move it cause I wanna be gone from your presence again. -

For a moment there was only silence. Silence while Taehyung waited and Raphael thought it over as his knee began to move in frustration. Until Raphael frowned in confusion and looked Taehyung up and down.

- You said Leo had blue eyes. -

- This isn't Leo. -

- Clearly. - Raphael looked back at him. - Is he a friend of your dad's or something? Why is he in a suit? - He grimaced.

- I'm not here to chit-chat with you. - Jungkook shook his head, just one word away from leaving whether Rapahel liked it or not.

- What does this generation have against suits? - Taehyung asked from behind him in a small, confused voice. - Like, I get it, their uncomfortable, but--

- Why the fuck are you in his company? - Raphael asked Jungkook louder than Taehyung. - How old is he, forty? Where's he even from? Why would you tell him everything we would talk about even if we were alone? -

- Why do you think I'm going to answer anything you ask me? -

- Who punched you in the lip? -

Jungkook had enough. He knew why Raphael was so desperate to ask these questions, he was trying to understand if it was safe for him to act freely and finally tell him whatever he wanted to say. But he was done, Jungkook was done with having fear and feeling miserable in his presence, so he looked him straight in the eyes and took an audible deep breath so all would brace themselves for what he was about to say next.

- I see... You're still sick, aren't you? - That was it. That was all he said. But Raphael understood everything, every single little thing of it in the way his face slackened. And even if Jungkook felt like the foulest most disgusting monster, he still added a step back, away from him.

Raphael tightened his jaw and then nodded slowly.

Jungkook said nothing more. He glanced at Taehyung before both walked past Raphael. He didn't try to stop them this time, and Jungkook thought he had understood then in that silence the reason why he had come in the first place. When Raphael said suddenly.

- See you in Evanthe. -

Jungkook stopped only to grimace as he looked over his shoulder.

- You aren't a student. -

- No, I'm not. But you are. - He concluded with a maddeningly smug smile.

Jungkook couldn't take it anymore. Even now, he still couldn't believe Raphael was actually here talking to him. So he simply said nothing and walked off with Taehyung, not inside the building, but around it. He didn't want to give that man any chance to see him.

Silently, they walked with sure steps all the way towards the parking lot, and if Taehyung wouldn't have unlocked the doors of the car, Jungkook would've broken the handle.

Once they were finally inside, Jungkook bent over and placed his forearms over the glove compartment just so he could close his eyes and breathe. Just breathe. He didn't want to cry, to get scared, to get sad, to get angry, not when they were having such a rare nice day. So he just breathed and tried to swallow it all down.

However, the moment he felt Taehyung's reassuring hand gently rubbing his back, a sharp exhale came out of him. He knew Taehyung wouldn't ask him about anything if just the memory of it had him this bad, but he also knew that keeping this from him would be an insult after what they had promised each other the night before. It was in moments like these that Jungkook felt like a burden; the need to stop everything they had been doing just to breathe was pathetic. Even though it wasn't his fault, he was still the one breaking the mood.

Just as if he had heard his thoughts, Taehyung squeezed his shoulder. And Jungkook took a deep breath before finally straightening up to look at him. But his eyes darted from his face to his suit jacket before ending up looking out the windshield and he couldn't help grimacing at the force of his dislike for the garment.

Taehyung saw that. Maybe even remembered Rapahel asking why he was in a suit and if he was one of his father's friends. So he took it off.

Jungkook couldn't believe that he had understood wordlessly, but when he looked back at him, he was indeed taking the suit jacket off and throwing it in the back along with his tie. Just like he had been one of these past days in the library when Jungkook had said how good he looked with that dark blue shirt, Taehyung unbuttoned the first two buttons and folded the sleeves to his elbows, even going as far as ruffling his hair a bit so he would look less serious. And, once he looked back at Jungkook, he raised his eyebrows as if asking "What about now?".

Jungkook smiled gently, loving him way beyond words could say.

Instead of nodding, Jungkook carefully went over and sat on his lap, leaving his feet over his own seat as he rested his back against Taehyung's door. And the latter held him gently with his arms around his waist until his hands folded over his hip.

The moment Jungkook thought about how to begin talking, he grimaced and closed his eyes.

- You're not obligated to give explanations, my Love. - Taehyung tried soothing him, his voice back to the soothing sound Jungkook knew so well. - Just because I would like to know, doesn't mean that you have to tell me. If you're not ready to tell me for whatever reason, I understand. -

He loved him, oh, he loved him so much. Jungkook looked at him and held his cheek gently as he stared at the worry in his eyes and felt the honesty of his words. And he leaned in slowly to give him a little loving kiss on his soft lips. But, even if he was being honest when he said how he could keep silent if he wanted, Jungkook still felt obligated if only because of last night's promise. So, he leaned away and gently took his hands off his cheek to start.

- His name's Raphael. - Taehyung took a deep breath and listened carefully. - He was the "leader" of that group of boys I used to fight with every day. -

- I knew it. - Taehyung muttered as he looked off angrily. But then frowned, confused. And when he looked back at Jungkook, he knew he was wondering why that didn't seem like bully behavior back there.

Jungkook nodded and looked down as he himself frowned.

- Yeah... Do you remember when I told you about how I was on the rooftop one day and took out the first drawing I made of a man just to look at it, and they saw it? - Taehyung nodded. - He was the one who saw it fully, better than the others, but still they saw something that made them look at me all disgusted so that's why we fought. I thought the whole school would've known about my drawing the next day, but there wasn't a whiff of it anywhere. And it was later that I found out that Raphael had somehow convinced there was no person drawn in it. -

He shook his head.

- The next time I went to the rooftop, he simply sat down beside me. He was alone and just sat there looking off silently, didn't even spare me a glance or an explanation, he just sat there. So, I sat there too. That happened when we were fifteen and... it just started a whole... weird... thing. I still don't know what that was. Because we weren't friends, but when we were alone it was "something". We would either stay in silence or he would just let it all out and talk and talk and I would just listen, but then when his friends were around, we fought like we hated each other. Many times we would still sit down silently on the rooftop even if we were still bleeding. -

He sighed and rested his head over Taehyung's shoulder. This part of the story, he found it easier to tell him about, so there was no brutal obstruction in his throat as he continued.

- Apparently, the reason why he had protected me and my drawing was that he knew they would destroy it and he didn't want them to because "it was awesome". Weeks passed when he suddenly asked if I had more drawings, so I showed him the ones I'd done of men and women alike. He asked why I like painting people, I explained that I only drew what I found beautiful or what looked good, he asked if I would paint anybody in our class, and... I stayed silent. - He paused for a moment there, unsure of whether to continue, until Taehyung guessed.

- Because you found him beautiful. -

Jungkook grimaced.

- Not beautiful just... good-looking. Most of all his eyes. - He muttered the last part and then grimaced. - We weren't friends. We weren't enemies. And yet we were both. In the beginning, it was just us silent next to each other, then it became a one-sided conversation where he would just talk and talk about his struggles or just anything at all and I wouldn't answer just because... Just because, really, I didn't have any reasons to answer him, I didn't even want to begin a conversation, didn't want to have friends that I could potentially be leaving behind; I was so detached from any kind of true kindness and love that the only way to get me to be warm was at the sight of Emily and Leo, not even a beautiful sight could soften me up on the outside, nothing. -

- But then, he said he had done something so stupid that I just had to tell him what he should've done instead, and that started a whole new... thing. Next thing I know, we weren't only meeting on the rooftop, he would catch up to me as I walked home or find me in random places as I meandered around. I wouldn't care if he met me or didn't, I felt absolutely nothing about his presence, that's why I said it was weird because you would be hearing this story and think "oh, so a friendship formed and you two talked about your struggles and then something else started to--" No. I felt nothing with or without his presence. But I did get to know him because of all that he talked about himself. -

- And while I didn't care... he did. - Jungkook sighed. - And he would tell me. How I was the only one who listened, the only one who gave back useful advice, the only one who didn't use him for connections; any other person who would hear that would've thought that I was his first true friend, and I know he thought the same thing, but I... I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just liked looking at his face because he looks good, I let him be in my presence because I had no reason to shove him away, I gave him advice because he needed those fuckers, the only thing I would've felt would've been pity because I know what it was like to want to talk to a friend and let everything out so I let him use me for that because he was alone and I was alone and I didn't care about anything. -

- It wasn't until he asked me for this one thing that things started to get even more uncomfortable. - Jungkook closed his eyes and breathed in Taehyung's scent before continuing. - He asked me to paint him. -

He felt Taehyung's breathing stopping for a heartbeat and his hands holding him tighter to his chest. Then he continued.

- When he asked me upfront, that was the first time I ever... Well, it wasn't a feeling, it was just... something... maybe gratitude or, I don't know, excitement? At being asked to paint someone for the first time instead of just painting them in secret, perhaps. That painting session was so weird because he had to look at me without talking and I had to look at him too for hours. And then all of a sudden he said: "I didn't know you could sing". Let me tell you, the embarrassment-- I hadn't noticed I'd begun to hum a tune, it was so embarrassing that I just ended it for the day and left. Because for me he was not my friend so it was just... You know? - He let out a frustrated breath at how hard it was to explain and tried to continue.

- After that, he asked me to paint him again and again, in the gardens close to the park, sitting on a branch up in a tree. He was quite creative, I have to admit. The only one I asked him was when the sun was beginning to set and we were in a park sitting at the foot of a tree. The light was golden like it isn't usually, and when he suddenly laid down beside me and looked up, his eyes turned a honey color with the light. I only wanted to paint those colors and what they did, just like what happened with that guy in the library. Only the colors and the light. So I told him to stay there and I painted him, and till this day, I still feel uncomfortable every time I see it. It's one I always keep in the back, and yes, I kept them all, only because they looked nice. -

For this, Jungkook had to sit up straight with his back to the door and look down at his lap. This... was the part he was so reluctant to remember and even more to tell.

- The last day we saw each other... It was weeks before we finished school and started Intensives two years ago, in May. He invited me over to his house. He told me his father was away and that he wanted me to paint him there, so I went. But, before I began painting him, out of a sudden he began... confessing and... fucking talking about feelings, and I... I was awful. I reacted just like one "should've '' when a guy "shows symptoms", and, well... The screaming was so loud that his father burst into the room. Apparently, his father was not away on business and Raphael hadn't realized because he hadn't been paying attention at dinner the other night. - Jungkook took a very deep breath. A sour taste in his mouth made him grimace at the memories.

And he forced himself to continue.

- My sketchbook was laying open on the bed. His father saw his son's portraits drawn by me and he didn't even let Raphael try to come up with an excuse, he just punched him in the face. - Jungkook's voice got cut. He thought he had been ready to tell this part but the moment his eyes began to burn, he knew the truth. He had to go back to Taehyung's chest and breathe in his scent for a while before he could continue. Or even before he could open his mouth without wanting to sob. Only when he thought he was able, he went on in a small voice. - He punched him so hard that he fell and hit his head against the frame of the bed. And he blacked out. - Silence... - He was unconscious and... I was so afraid that I couldn't... I couldn't... - He tried to swallow. Tried to swallow the fear, the bile that rose. - ...He punished me... His father. And... and didn't even specify why... -

Just like Jungkook couldn't specify how he had been punished. It wasn't only the physical pain that still haunted him, it was the mental agony of not knowing where exactly he had gone wrong so he wouldn't do that thing again. That man was just... punishing him for being, that's why it hurt so tremendously. His mind couldn't even come up with the actual pictures of what had happened, barely the feeling of it.

At the feeling of Taehyung's protective arms holding him tighter and his frame getting tenser, Jungkook rushed to finish with all the awfulness.

- When I got back to my house–... -

But... He couldn't talk.

- When I came back all bruised–... -

Why couldn't he continue?

- With my father, there was–... -

No. No. He couldn't speak. He couldn't continue. Why couldn't he? What was it? Who had been there?...

- When they saw me all dirty–... -

"You like to be rolling in the mud like a pig? That's what you want? Huh?"... Who had been that one? Why does he remember that?... What even happened when he came back to his house? He can't even recall anymore. Was he about to say anything at all?... No. Nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing.

- ...My father sent me to my room without supper. -

Taehyung heard that; the hesitation, the uncertainty, and, finally, the monotone way his voice had sounded in the end. He frowned even deeper than he already was at the strangeness of it and the frozen state in which Jungkook suddenly found himself. He had gone quiet, even his breathing seemed silent and careful as he cowered away in his neck.

Gently to not frighten him, Taehyung squeezed him closer one time before lifting his hand to rub the side of Jungkook's arm up and down, slow and soothing.

- Hey. - He called him just as quietly, and Jungkook stirred. Taehyung heard him taking an audible deep breath before straightening up enough to look him in the eyes.

- Hey. - He looked... fine. He looked even better than fine, he looked grateful, a bit sad, and still shaky, but grateful as he looked at Taehyung lovingly.

Taehyung nearly forgot what he wanted to ask the moment he saw him so genuinely alright. But, once he remembered, he asked him about it.

- You were... going to say something else? -

Jungkook frowned and tilted his head ever so slightly.

- What do you mean? - Then he chuckled humorlessly. - Haven't I said enough? I told you everything there was to it--

- No, no, you misunderstood. I'm sorry. - Taehyung apologized immediately and then lifted his hand to gently hold his face and caress his cheek with his thumb. - I just thought you wanted to say something more right at the end, about the moment you got back to your house. It sounded like you were stopping yourself from speaking. -

Jungkook looked at him in utter confusion for a moment before slowly looking away as though trying to remember something. But the frown only intensified before he finally shook his head and said.

- I didn't... stop myself from saying anything. Nothing happened when I got back to my house. - He said with a shrug as he continued to look confused.

But... Taehyung had felt him shaking. He had heard his words getting cut as if someone had been grabbing him by the throat, stopping him from speaking. If nothing had happened when he got home all bruised up, then why would he react that way to the memory?

However, now it looked like his confusion was just as genuine as his previous fear, and he sounded just as truthful when he said that nothing happened as it was when he implied that something had.

And there was that one line he had said, about how his father had been with someone else when he got there.

Not his mother, "someone else".

The fact that he had said that and then now it looked like he couldn't remember he had, reminded Taehyung so much of last night when he had looked like a zombie as he did everything he said right after Evans–... Evans.

Taehyung hid what he was feeling as he nodded and gave him a reassuring smile.

- My mistake. I'm sorry, my Love. - He stored the previous conversation away as he remembered the other thing he wanted to talk about.

But before he said anything, he continued to caress his angel's face as soothing and loving as he deserved to be treated. Because that whole story was just one more awful thing this beautiful boy had to live through. He's lived through so much. Too much. And he deserved to be loved so patiently, so gently, so sweetly, and purely, that he tilted his head and leaned in to give him a little kiss on the lips.

Jungkook answered him just as gently, and they parted only to stay right there, close enough for another one. Taehyung saw his pretty little smile and hugged him tighter with his other arm as his hand brushed from his face to tuck a string of hair behind his ear before cupping his beautiful face again and kissing his cheek. Right over that white scar.

Jungkook hadn't said who had given him that scar, but judging by the fact that he had told him before how the injury had been made two years ago, he connected the dots. And he kissed him once, twice, and a third time, with such carefulness and slow loving precision that he felt Jungkook's breath hitch as his beautiful hand clutched at the fabric over his chest before leaning in and kissing him back on the cheek. "Thank you" the kiss seemed to say. So Taehyung replied as he gently put his hand on the back of his head and brought him closer to his chest once more, hugging him securely in a gently tight embrace.

"Always, my Love."

Once he could feel him more relaxed, Taehyung took a deep breath and tilted his head down so his lips were nearly grazing Jungkook's cheek when he spoke softly.

- Can I ask you something? -

Jungkook tightened himself against his chest and then replied in a small voice.

- Anything. -

Taehyung knew he couldn't just ask anything, but he also knew that Jungkook wanted to answer him whatever it was regardless of how he would feel about it. So it took him some time as he reconsidered asking this next question, but his curiosity and confusion only mounted. So, in the end, he asked softly.

- Why did it sound like you were trying to reassure me that you felt nothing for him? - Jungkook stiffened somewhat. So there was indeed a reason why. Or he hadn't noticed he had been doing it over and over again. - It sounded more like you were trying to reassure me or... convince yourself. Kooky, there's nothing wrong if you felt--

- I didn't feel. - He answered immediately. - I know it sounded like a school crush, but it wasn't. Not to me. That's why it feels uncomfortable for me to talk about that particular thing. Because I wasn't me at the time, I wasn't the person you know now, I wasn't loving, sweet, careful, I was brutal and cold-minded. In a way, I still am. The first thing I think about is logic. If it's logical to do a certain thing regardless of how anybody would feel about it, I would do it. And you know it, you know how self-destructing that is, I've seen and heard my actions against me have hurt you. It is only that that has helped me be more thoughtful about it all; only you have made me realize that my feelings are not there only to make me suffer, that I can indeed feel lasting happiness and love and not hurt myself in the process of having it. -

- But you didn't sound that harsh when you were with–

Jungkook cut him off.

- The only thing I felt regarding Raphael was detachment. I could feel pity for him, feel angry for what happened to him, feel sadness... but it was all detached like I could be feeling the same thing about any other unfortunate person passing by. He wasn't my friend, but I didn't hate him either only because he was a bearable distraction when I was alone, and I couldn't hate him once he encouraged me to paint anything I wanted. - A tense silence filled the car for a moment before he kept going in a small voice once more. - I was aware of the way he looked at me. The way he protected me even when we were fighting in front of everybody else. I was aware, however mildly, that it was never just a friendship for him. But that's why it made me uncomfortable. Because, at the time, I was still following that one vital rule. Because I hadn't met you and hadn't felt that tug that made me finally wake up and realize... that I had been such a hypocrite for so long. -

Alright then... Taehyung hadn't expected the truth to be much more complex than what he thought.

But then again... something didn't fit.

- Knowing what you do now... - Taehyung started. - And being the person that you are today... Do you think you would feel anything for him? -

- Why are you asking me that? - Jungkook asked as he hastily straightened up and away from his chest to look him in the eyes with a frown.

- Because... - Taehyung grimaced, not knowing how this will go over, but doing it nevertheless. - It sounds like the truth, but... it also looks like it isn't, in a way. -

Jungkook frowned at the implication.

- You think I'm lying? To you? -

- I think you're lying to yourself. - Taehyung rushed to explain in a calm voice, meaning to reassure him that it was all alright. But Jungkook looked away as he gaped.

- Lying to myself.... - He let out a humorless laugh before looking back at Taehyung and slowly... the grin faded. - It doesn't matter anyway. What would it matter if I am lying to myself or not, I have you now. - Jungkook finished and then looked away resolutely. But it was not alright, not at all. There was a heaviness in the air, and even if Jungkook was still sitting on his lap, Taehyung felt a barrier in between with the way he had straightened away and folded his arms over his chest.

- Jungkook... It does matter. - He said softly.

- Why? - Jungkook retorted sharply as he looked back at him.

But Taehyung continued as calmly as ever, knowing this wasn't the real him, somehow knowing that this was a barrier, a wall, trying to keep him from falling apart entirely. And also knowing that Jungkook needed to accept the truth so he could start healing.

- I saw the way you two seemed to communicate with more than words back there. - Jungkook looked away sharply. - The way you talked about how you were with each other makes it hard to believe that someone as loving as you would never have felt more than excitement or gratitude when he asked you to paint him. I remember the way you reacted when I told you that you couldn't paint me. I simply can't believe that you wouldn't have felt a connection towards him. - Hearing how that guy had made Jungkook happier than him in that regard was indeed painful. But he went on. - And also the singing... And the way you said he had laid down next to you under that tree and looked up at you. Jungkook... - His voice trailed away as he saw Jungkook's breathing quickening and saw his face tightening with anger as he looked off in front of him.

When finally, he exploded.

- Do you want to hear me say that the sight of him today made me realize that I did have a crush on him but never wanted to admit it? Or that the sight of him with his dad made me want to scream in agony for everything I know he has done to his son? Or that seeing his hair all shaved and knowing that he was now a soldier made me want to cry because that was what his father wanted him to do but I know that he wanted to be a composer, and I know that he wanted to be a composer because he would write little songs for me to sing for him in silence even when we were alone because he was always afraid that anybody would hear it? and the sight of his eyes just now made me remember how destroyed he looked when I was screaming at him how sick he was for feeling anything for me when in reality I was just trying to ask how anybody would feel anything but hate and disgust towards me? Why do you want me to tell such lies, huh? -

He was crying. Taehyung was speechless as Jungkook placed his hands over his face and tried to suppress sobs of anger and despair. Tears had started to appear at the corners of his eyes when he began, and now the wound was finally ripped open completely.

Taehyung placed the palm of his hand against his back and answered gently.

- For closure. -

- No... - Jungkook cried and then harshly got off from his lap and into his seat once more so he could hug his knees to his chest. And that's when Taehyung began to seriously question whether he had done the right thing or not. - Closure? Closure!? - Jungkook straightened his head and looked outside the windshield, his face flushed with tears. - Do you have any idea how the fucker used to look at me? And you want me to think back on those memories for what? ¿Closure? That thing isn't even real! The only thing I can do is to shove the memories of him into a box and forget about it, not "look back at everything we did together and say goodbye", what the fuck? -

This was way worse than he imagined. Taehyung didn't even know if he would make it worse by trying to caress him again. Seeing and hearing Jungkook in denial was way worse than knowing he was; this was a whole battle.

Jungkook did not want to look back on those memories and say goodbye for good, not because he didn't want to say goodbye, but because he didn't want to look back on what could've been. That's why he had said "What would it matter if I am lying to myself or not, I have you now.", explaining with it that he doesn't have to wonder anymore if Raphael had been the one because he was sure it was Taehyung. But still, he has to let go, not shove it in a corner: Let go.

- Kooky–

- Why did you do this to me? - The tiny plea caught him off guard.

At once, Taehyung panicked. Rapidly, he turned in his seat and grabbed each side of Jungkook's head to make him look at him. But he was just...

- I was fine without him in my life, why did you have to make me admit all that shit? -

He was in such mortal agony that it was unbearable to watch.

At once, Taehyung went closer and shoved him into his chest to hug him tightly.

- Shhh just forget it, forget this ever happened, forget it, Kook, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. -

He was desperate for his forgiveness now, desperate like a madman, desperate enough to damn what was good for any of them and just try to do anything that would make Jungkook feel better right now. But the sound of Jungkook's continuous cries made him crazy, it made him want to carve out his heart. "Why did you do this to me?" This was his fault, these tears were his fault, these sobs were because of him, he had done this, he had hurt him.

- Jungkook please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Forget him, forget it all, shove it all back inside that box and hide it far away, please, please... -

He had wanted to do the right thing, he had been on the right path of doing so as well, but the moment Jungkook had said that this suffering was because of him, he took out the whip and started to hit himself with it.

How dare he? He had been the only person who has never hurt him before, but now?

Jungkook sobbed silently against his shoulder.

- Jungkook... Jungkook... My love. My angel. My life... Please forgive me, please... - He was crying now. He was crying over his head. But he didn't care, he looked down and kissed Jungkook's hair, rocking them softly from side to side and brushing his back. The moment he felt his sobs subsiding, he started to talk once more. - I promise I'll make it up to you. I promise. I'm sorry. In return... In return, I'll tell you something I also wanted to forget, alright? Let me... Let me set the score. -

- No. - Jungkook answered in a small voice before pushing him away so he could dry his tears. But Taehyung took his hands away and did it for him at once. The moment he finished, Jungkook sighed greatly and looked at him. Tired. He looked so tired. - Don't... Don't punish yourself for this. It wasn't your fault. The way I implied you had was uncalled for, I'm sorry. -

- No, it was my fault, please let me. - Taehyung said in a tiny desperate voice. But Jungkook only looked at him and reached over to hold his face and dry his tears before he said.

- You've already cried, Tae. I don't want you to cry anymore. I'm sorry for making you cry. -

Taehyung nearly started crying again just by hearing that.

- I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry, my Love. -

Jungkook nodded.

- That's fine, just... - And then he shook his head.

Taehyung nodded hastily before leaning in for another tight hug.

Knowing the ignoring of a hurtful subject will have its awful consequences, knowing sooner or later they will have to touch some "boxes" or else Jungkook might never fully open up to him, knowing that he just proved himself utterly unhelpful when trying to make Jungkook heal an old wound because he has no idea how to do it himself and for the life of him he cannot look at Jungkook crying and just let him be, he stopped trying and hugged him tighter.

He knows healing up a wound like that requires Jungkook to feel the grief and pain of it all, that's why he couldn't continue, because he couldn't look at him in pain for a second longer.

Much less after he said it was his fault.

So he nodded even if he knew it was a bad call, and hugged Jungkook tightly, feeling like the hug was more meant to calm him down than it was to calm Jungkook.

Gently, Jungkook tugged back only to push himself closer so he could sit on his lap once more and hug him tighter. Taehyung didn't object, in a way, he needed the hug, not only to know Jungkook was fine but also to feel better. Seeing him crying like the pain was burning him alive was something he never knew he wouldn't be able to endure. He thought he could be his pillar, be the one to hold him up while he crumbles, but their hearts seem to be so intertwined that the falling of one means the same for the other. He had been able to hold him while he crumbled before, but this... whatever had happened between Jungkook and Raphael had bound them together, and whatever the father of that guy had done to cut that bond had been worse than hell.

Whatever Jungkook's father had been like when angry, had left a permanent mark on Jungkook way beyond the physical. And whatever Evans had done...

Being able to have him in full control with just a few words, being able to scare the living happiness out of him at the mere sight of him, being able to do such horrific things that Jungkook's brain refuses to remember a lot of things that had been done to him...

Jungkook has lived through much more pain than he dares to admit, and yet he's still loving, respectful, kind, beautiful, creative, artistic, funny, and smart. The fact that there was a part of his soul that remains untouched, was the reason why it pained Taehyung when he heard "Why did you do this to me?". A dagger to the heart, that's what he deserves.

Jungkook sighed, sounding much calmer than before. Content even. Maybe he had indeed put all those memories back in a box and kicked it under his bed, much like the drawings he has hidden in his room. Putting what matters most in boxes and hiding it for fear that someone else might destroy him fully at last. Or for fear that he would destroy himself.

For a moment, Taehyung actually wished he could put a lot of his own memories in boxes and store them away instead of carrying them all on his back at all times.

But his thoughts were swayed when his phone rang in his pocket.

Though he didn't want the hug to be over, Jungkook was smarter and slid himself again over to his seat so he could answer the call. As Taehyung got out his phone with a frustrated huff of air, Jungkook slumped in his chair, utterly tired. Taehyung would've let the phone ring and attend to him... if he hadn't seen Daphne's name on the screen.

He answered the phone at once.

- Hello? -

- Taehyung. -

The sound of her voice froze him in place. It was colder than usual, and that only happens whenever she's afraid of something.

- What is it? - He grabbed the steering wheel for support, his body tensing over.

- It's... the kids, they... -

His life flashed before his eyes and he felt the blood draining from his face.

- What... happened. - He demanded to know. Faintly, he saw Jungkook flinching from the corner of his eye, but he couldn't concentrate on anything that wasn't Edward and Audrey.

Daphne didn't answer him, she stayed silent for a moment before answering rapidly to someone else from her side. She sounded frantic and cold, commanding and concentrated. She must be out of her mind with fear and that only made Taehyung grab the steering wheel harder.

- Daphne. What happened to the kids? - He demanded again, his voice harsher because of the fear. And his words made Jungkook realize what was wrong.

With a start, Jungkook straightened in his chair and turned to face him fully. Taehyung glanced at him only to find his tired red eyes alarmed with worry before Daphne answered at last.

- Apparently, the staff didn't realize when they left the house on their own, and now--

- They left the house on their own! - Taehyung exclaimed as his shoulders tensed so harshly that he bent over the steering wheel. But the anger, the fright couldn't let him breathe. Hastily, he opened the car door and stepped out into the cold just to have some space. - What do you mean they left the house and no one saw them? Daphne! - Too much, it was all too fucking much and he was away, so far away. His free hand lifted to his head and he grabbed his hair harshly right before she answered at last.

- Calm down, now! - She commanded him. But he only gave her a bitter bark of a laugh. - Your screams won't make them come back faster, I only called you to tell you what was going on, I have everything under control. -

- If you really have everything under control then where are they, huh? - He hissed and then clicked his tongue. - Of course, you wouldn't notice them leaving because you bury yourself in work all goddamn day. -

- Snap out of it right now Taehyung or I will end this call and you won't know the danger they are in. -

A frozen tremor ran down Taehyung's back as he let go of his hair and looked off with a terrified stare.

- What do you mean danger? For christ's sake, just tell me already before I break my fucking phone and take a flight right back. -

- Haven't you seen the news? Read the newspapers? Have you even opened your computer to do something other than work? Taehyung... The morning you left, when I was reading the newspaper, it stated that the most notorious groups of terrorists in the country have been too quiet lately. They've been writing about nothing but that and how new deaths have been happening as well as the robbery of places meant to sell weapons and stuff like that. And then the terrorists themselves sent a statement to the papers that said how they didn't want collateral damage and how everyone should stay in their houses from now on, but no one believed them, everyone at work just laughed about it so I guessed it was all bluff but then... -

Her voice trailed away. And that's when Taehyung heard the very distant sounds of a commotion happening from the other side... and distantly, from his own side, he could hear the volume of a telly being turned up.

He turned around, noticing Jungkook by his side for the first time, and looked at how there were a group of people surrounding the TV of the coffee shop a street away. They could hear the distant shouting coming from the device, see the yellow light of fires, the black of their garments, and the red of their flags as they held weapons in their other hands. Police forces were on the scene, trying to make them retreat with pressurized water, but rocks were being thrown at them as well as real bombs. The person filming all of that shook violently when the explosion rumbled the windows on each side of that wide street, and the video was cut off to be replaced by another angle.

- ...Where are my children, Daphne. - Taehyung pleaded in a tiny voice. Because that battle was near the Wellington Arch, just eight blocks away from their house, and if his little ones had gone without him to buy their mangos, they would've had to pass through that commotion. Either they were in the middle of it all, hiding and unable to move or–

Boom.

- What do they think they're doing? -

- They'll destroy the whole place, those bastards. -

- I think they're trying to get to Buckingham Palace, it's not too far from there. -

- The police are too strong, they will never be able to--

Boom.

- Daphne... Why did you say you have everything under control? What are you trying to do? -

- We've tried phoning the police, but they left us on hold. I can't go out in the car and search for myself because the police told us to lock ourselves inside, that's why I called an ambulance, so one of the maids went with them to try to find them. They couldn't have gone far, they barely know where their school is, but just in case, we also called the school. But we have nothing so far. Do you have any idea where they could be? -

Of course, he does. Because he had taught them the route in secret just so he could have his favorite fruits without Daphne knowing about it. Stupid. Stupid.

Taehyung turned around. The sight of that telly was making him sick. And, with shaky hands, he admitted.

- Maybe they're up near Old Park Lane. -

Silence followed his idea. And then, a cold aura breathed through the phone.

- Why would they be in there? - Daphne asked with gritted teeth.

Taehyung swallowed.

- Because we've been there a couple of times. - He grimaced.

- Why would you go there without telling me? - Her voice just got colder and colder by the second. And he felt like a stupid infant as he said.

- You never buy my favorite fruits so I just thought I... would... buy them myself... - His voice hushed away and silence followed suit. He was vaguely aware of his surroundings, vaguely aware of having close company. A glance upwards told him that Jungkook was close enough to listen to what was happening on his phone while his eyes looked frozenly at the telly far away.

The sudden shout right in his ear made them both flinch terribly.

- ¡You stupid piece of shit! Why would you do such an idiotic thing for something so insignificant! Do you have any idea what is happening outside right now!? My children are out there in the middle of a battlefield and all because you wanted fruits, are you kidding me!? If anything happens to them it'll be your fault, Taehyung! All your fucking fault. You stupid immature selfish prick! -

And with that, she hung up. Without telling him if she would tell him when something else happens, without reassuring him with an "I'll tell you when we find them", no, just a dead silence greeted him, and a hollowness carved his chest.

His fault, his fault, all his fault, their current fear is his fault, the fact that they right now are being filled with a terror that will follow them for the rest of their lives will be his fault. Because he taught them that route, and then joked with them about how it'll be "treachery" if they went without him instead of being stricter. They didn't take him seriously when he told them not to go, all because he has never been able to act as the father and ruler of the house.

It was all his fault.

- Tae. - Jungkook's whisper sounded miles away yet it still caught his attention.

Slowly, Taehyung lowered the silent phone from his ear and looked at him; at the way his shoulders slumped with tiredness and the corners of his eyes were red after he made him cry terribly. He had done that too. His fault. All his fault.

- Let's go back inside the car. - Jungkook pleaded softly once more.

Taehyung couldn't even nod, he nearly managed to walk forwards to the black car that Daphne got for him as he wore the suit that Daphne clothed him in and went to open the door with a sure hand movement that Daphne taught him to make. Daphne. Daphne. "My children are out there..." Her children. He had put her children in danger. After all she has done...

But his hand was stopped before he could grab the handle. Jungkook let go of his wrist once he looked up and Taehyung saw him looking around before pushing him lightly towards the passenger seat at the back.

In that second, Taehyung remembered who he was with, and at once his eyes burned and his throat ached with the desperate need for the love of his life to hold him. Rapidly, he opened that door and got in, grabbing his jacket and tie and throwing them over to the driver's seat right when Jungkook entered through the other door.

Taehyung couldn't even wait for a second longer and, with a sob, he immediately hugged Jungkook. But the latter was just as desperate to hold him back, and with a swift little jump, he positioned his knees at either side of Taehyung and sat there to hold him as close as they could be, close enough to feel the frantic heart of the other aching with pain and fear and uncertainty, and aching with love, with desperate, bleeding love.

For a long while, both held each other through their sobs and tears, holding on tightly and unwaveringly, simply... holding on.

________________________________________________________________________________

💜Happy 11 months with DEMOCRITUS💜

🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 44 <3<3<3

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