Est Verto Off Lux

A Light Turning Off

It was almost nine o'clock and the sky was pitch black. But more stars could be seen here than forty minutes away, where his house was. He was heading into the trees of the woods he had so desperately wanted to be in since the morning. And Jungkook smiled as he walked over the white rocks of the path.

It had been after returning from dinner and bidding his friends goodbye that he looked out the window and found this same path. Without needing to be told twice, he left everything ready the next morning and walked outside even though he knew students couldn't be outside after ten o'clock. The pull was such that he didn't even think of bringing his phone or thinking about how he'd never entered a woods at night, he simply went.

His hands were folded behind his back as he walked. He was following the illuminated path though his eyes were glued to the deepest and darkest part of the woods; the part of the path never led to. The white path only entered until the second line of trees began and then turned, separating dark, unknown woods from the bright gardens.

He smiled at the welcoming feeling the darkness gave him. It was somehow warmer than the light he left behind. Stopping in his tracks, he unfolded his hands, and, checking no one was there to look, he stepped out of the path and into the woods.

A light breeze caressed his back and he walked onwards, unto that which he could not see but he trusted like a friend.

Thinking of friends, he was reminded of Leo, falling on his back and hitting the wall with his feet for trying to do a headstand to amuse Jimin, and then Emily, laughing and cleaning the wall as she told him off.

Carefully, he placed his palm against the trees as he passed. Grateful they were here to accompany him.

Somehow, thinking of Leo and Emily always had a bit of sourness. Just this afternoon, for example, he lied about the reasons why he wanted to talk to Finn, and then when the three of them sat on his bed and were talking about their future in Evanthe, it felt rehearsed. Like the words came from having heard their parents repeating so much that they now sounded believable. But it wasn't their fault, that was simply how the world worked. All he needed to remember is that they are together, and they will be fine.

Because, if they hadn't been together, he wouldn't have been able to go through the Welcome Dinner banquet.

His smile faded a little.

It had been in Auditorium 1, the biggest of ten, and it was for everybody. He'd been with his head down most of the time, afraid to find someone he didn't want to find even though his father was giving a speech. But there were a few moments where he had to lift his head to see.

At the banquet.

- Welcome. - Yungsoo's voice boomed through the whole auditorium, every table could hear him from his place on the stage. - I hope you have enjoyed a wonderful summer that has you relaxed, recharged, and ready to start a new year of your education. For some it's their first, for some it's their last, but either way, I am delighted to have you all as a part of our amazing learning community and I welcome and value your dedication to excel in every work you do. -

- This year, we have a few additions to our staff. I'm delighted to welcome Mrs. Lily-Anne Rennie, our new doctor. Lily-Anne brings a solid skillset and far-reaching knowledge in the science of human health. Welcome, Lily-Anne. - The auditorium made a round of applause for the new doctor.

Jungkook looked up to see. Seated at one of the front tables was one of the strictest and meanest-looking women Jungkook had ever seen in his life.

He looked back down.

- We welcome back Professor Alexander Evans from the achievement of his degree of "Doctor of Laws", which is a higher doctorate, ranking above the Ph.D. Congratulations Professor. - A deafening round of applause and cheering came this time, some students even whistled and others stood up to applaud the Professor at one of the tables at the front.

He knew his hair was as black as charcoal, his eyes as blue as a vivid watercolor, his skin a mixture of white paint with a drop of orange and another of dark blue. Jungkook took a deep breath and repeated like a prayer "I don't know him, I don't know him, I don't know him.". Until he was able to survive the applause.

- And last, but not least, we welcome Professor Kim Taehyung. Our new Philosophy professor. Welcome, Mr. Kim, and best of luck. - Another round of applause, more subdued this time. Jungkook looked up with curiosity and saw...

The same guy he had collided with. The guy with a beautiful face, the guy who told him they would see again. Bright, dark eyes, straight strong eyebrows, perfectly symmetrical face, strong jawline, and glowing, heart-stopping, honey-sweet, smile. He had never wanted to paint someone as much as he wanted to paint this person, and that was because he had never before seen a human so incredibly and purely beautiful.

He forgot his father was speaking, he forgot he wasn't the only one on this table or the Auditorium, he forgot the occasion itself. All he had eyes for, was him.

The light surrounding him, lighting up his dark green suit and making the light brown in his hair shine, had all his focus. Jungkook's hands over the table ached with the need to paint, but it was right when he felt a warning coming from the back of his head that the volume turned back up and he remembered everything.

People were surrounding him. He was seated at a table with five other people in an Auditorium with more than seven thousand strangers and he had been looking in a direction different from everybody else.

Panic tried to make him run away. But then, if he did, he would attract attention to himself, and he would look guilty. So he looked straight at his father. And he caught the last bit of his speech.

- [...] And so, I'll say my last words so we can be delighted by our delicious feast.

- The meaning of the word Evanthe has been for centuries the aim of this prestigious institution, it means "To Flower", to grow and evolve, to learn and unfold the wisdom within to become better people, better citizens, and help guide the world to the blessed routeway.

- May you flower mightily, and best of luck.-

Back in the present.

Jungkook stopped walking. He could hear the faint sound of water coming from somewhere ahead. Beckoning him.

Jungkook stared at the dark scenery in the distance that he could barely see, thanks to the moonlight. And he began to follow it, imagining the beauty he'll find at the shore of the creek he was hearing.

Consciously, he tried focusing more on the sound of water than the memory of that guy. That guy, that man, that muse– He really had to stop. He'll be his teacher starting from tomorrow. His professor. Maybe Leo was right in thinking his smile and kindness had been fake; just a show for the other teachers. Even if he had seemed so reluctant to go and asked him his major and smiled when he knew what it was and remembered his name and–...

He had to stop. This isn't right; this isn't healthy.

The feeling of a cold breeze diverted his thoughts as if trying to calm him on purpose. He breathed and felt the dampness of the trees in the palms of his hands as he walked slowly on. For a moment longer, he kept on walking; always hearing the water falling just over there, just right there. But it never got nearer, and he never saw a glimpse of water on the ground.

For the first time, he turned around to see the treeline. And, when he noticed he could barely see the light from the nearest light post, he gave a great sigh. He felt defeated, he was too far from the path, if he went any further, he would sooner find the fence surrounding Evanthe than the water he was hearing. He turned his head around to look into the woods one last time, when, suddenly, he saw something that hadn't been there before.

It was another line of trees and bushes. And the sound was coming from directly inside this natural barrier.

Excitement filled him up again.

Taking a breath and bracing himself, he walked on, swerving from one side to the other to not get tangled in the bushes and bending low from time to time, avoiding some low-hanging branches. Until he arrived.

His eyes widened.

It was a clearing. A circle of trees and bushes opened to a clear view of the sky, letting in the natural light of the night and illuminating two creeks, both coming from the west side by side, parting in a wide circle to leave a separate patch of earth as if it was an island, and then coming together again before disappearing by the east of the tree line. This arrangement alone was mesmerizing, but what got Jungkook so awed was the small, white pavilion that sat beautifully in the middle of that island of green grass.

He knew that one, long step was all it would take to pass the flowing creek and enter that small patch of land, but he stayed where he was, feeling as though it would be rude to disturb such ethereal scenery.

Blinking, at last, Jungkook detached his eyes from the pavilion and started to look around to see if there was a rock or somewhere he could sit comfortably. But when he turned his head the other way, he got startled and stood rigid on the spot.

A man was sitting on the only garden bench there, overlooking the sight. His eyes were closed, his hands folded over his lap, and his legs straight before him with one ankle over the other; his expression melancholic yet peaceful. Jungkook looked at him, at this guy, this man, this muse, and his eyebrows pinched up in the middle. A battle raged inside of him, a battle between what he had to do and what he wanted to do. His body ached with the need to move. But to leave or to approach, he had no idea. He didn't know if this was a friend, a foe, a mean teacher, a kind man, the only thing he knew was that a cloud had moved aside and the moonlight showered over his features in a way that smoothed Jungkook's frown away and eased all the ache away.

Jungkook will try to deny it, but his artist's heart rarely lies. Kim Taehyung was...truly beautiful...

He swallowed and looked down at the floor to take a deep breath. Judging by the fact that he had his eyes closed and sat in that manner, it was easy to say that he had come here to find peaceful solitude in the woods just like Jungkook, meaning that Jungkook should respect his teacher's wishes and leave him alone.

But Jungkook didn't want to leave. This place was truly one of a kind and he wanted to look at it as much as he could or at least stay in a quiet place like this one. It even seemed magical, he couldn't just pass on the opportunity.

A voice in the back of his head told him that he should leave him alone, but his feet moved forward. Convincing himself that maybe this man just needed some company instead of loneliness and ignoring the fact that he rarely (if ever) cares about strangers like this.

He walked way more carefully than he had ever walked as he approached the bench. And, the moment he was standing right beside him, he felt like fire was burning in his stomach.

Taehyung was beautiful. And Jungkook should be kept well away from him.

However, even if he knew this painfully well, he sat as lightly as a feather and looked ahead at the white pavilion. His neck and shoulders were tensed and alarms resounded loudly inside his head, but still, he tried to think of nothing but the scenery before him. His eyes followed the movement of the leaves flowing with the wind and he tried to come up with color pallets and which materials to use while his heart continued beating hard inside his chest.

He had no idea why he sat down if he had no intention of talking to this man. But he didn't want to leave.

Jungkook took a deep breath when the cold wind hit his face, and tried doing what Emily had always told him to do to calm down. Breathe...

- Hi. -

He stopped breathing.

Restraining a jolt, Jungkook turned his head and saw to his horror that Taehyung was looking straight at him with a small smile on the corners of his lips, seeming surprised but glad.

Jungkook blinked and cleared his throat.

- Hi. - Looking down at his knees, he felt incredibly awkward and added, - I'm sorry to disturb you, professor. I'll take my leave. - Stiffly, he tried to stand.

- No! - Jungkook stopped moving at once when he heard him. - I mean... You can stay if you want, I don't... -

Still not looking at him, Jungkook leaned back on the bench and tried to seem comfortable.

- Ok. - He muttered in response. But he was conflicted.

Maybe he should've gone away the moment he saw him here.

- Taehyung. -

Jungkook frowned momentarily, tilting his head before turning to look at him, wondering what he meant by telling him his name.

When their eyes met, Taehyung smiled a little wider as he explained.

- You can call me by my name outside the classroom. -

- Ah...- Jungkook didn't know what else to answer but that and a nod. Embarrassed, he looked away again.

He really shouldn't be feeling a burning excitement growing in his stomach, it wasn't the first time a nice teacher told him to call them by their name. It was the second time. The first was Oliver.

He shouldn't be feeling excited about talking to him, he really shouldn't be.

He shouldn't even be talking to him.

- What brings you here the night before classes start, Jungkook? -

Jungkook blinked at the mention of his own name, feeling amazed that he had remembered it and thought that maybe, just maybe, Leo hadn't been right after all.

Taking a deep breath to look as though he was thinking, Jungkook tried relaxing a bit. Maybe this could be like it was with Oliver, an unexpected friendship with a teacher. So, convincing himself that it might not be as bad as he thought it would, he answered.

- Nothing, really. I was just following the white path closest to the Students' Living Area, and... heard the flow of a creek and... followed the sound here. -

- Really? - Taehyung laughed. - Me too. - Jungkook looked at him and saw that he was smiling. Involuntarily, Jungkook let out a laugh at the impossibility of the situation. - But I've been following the creek from the path near the Professors' Living Area. To be honest, I have no idea how long I've been here or where exactly I am right now, but I don't need to know, I'll just follow the creek up from where I came from, and eventually, find my way back. - He smiled nonchalantly down at the creek in front of them. As if nothing could disrupt his peace.

Jungkook sighed loudly and immediately looked away.

He'd been unable to resist. He could only sit there and listen to his soothing voice telling him things he could only wish he could say back with just as much tranquility.

But something had changed within him, Jungkook could notice it even if he sat tensely in his seat. Releasing that sigh had somehow released him from some invisible bindings.

Maybe he could speak to him a bit.

- So... ummm... - Jungkook struggled to find something else to speak about. It had been so easy with Oliver, what's the difference?

- Yes? - Taehyung egged him on, straightening a bit in his chair as if he also wanted to speak to him.

Jungkook nearly laughed. This was such a bizarre occurrence, it wasn't only that the only teachers who'd wanted to talk to him genuinely had been both philosophy professors, but also that this particular one was truly making him nervous. The kind of nerves that made him want to laugh incomprehensibly. The kind of nerves he couldn't understand.

And this is when he asked himself, why should he be afraid of someone that made him want to laugh?

Jungkook looked up at him, at those wide, bright, dark eyes filled with anticipation, waiting for a conversation opener that would allow them to speak just like Taehyung was visibly hoping they would. How could a pair of eyes speak to him so openly? Their honesty disarmed him.

- I don't know. - Jungkook sighed with half a smile. - I want to talk, I just don't know what to ask that doesn't have an obvious answer. -

He changed his posture more comfortably with his right leg folded so his foot was on the bench, letting him hug his leg to his chest and rest his chin on his knee.

- What do you mean obvious? - Taehyung's voice was so soft that a smile could be heard as he asked.

Jungkook smiled as well, looking at the pavilion.

- I mean... I don't wanna make small talk. - He nearly whispered.

It felt truly comforting to be in the middle of the woods with this stranger. What would that say about him? It wasn't the first time he'd found himself speaking to a stranger. However, it was the first time it felt...

...Like every second that passed between them warmed the coldness of these doubts and eased the tension in his shoulders. Like every syllable that was gently whispered in this space opened his guarded ears and smoothed the tightness in his heart.

Jungkook was looking down at their shoes -at how Taehyung's polished leather shoes looked at odds over wet grass- when the latter answered him with an audible smile.

- Then, let me ask you something that I don't know anything about, - Jungkook smiled wider and nodded once to make him continue. - Why did you decide to study Philosophy? It couldn't be because Mr. O'Connor convinced you, could it? He doesn't seem like the kind of man who tries to "convert" people. At least to me.-

Jungkook looked up at him and saw he had an arm crossed over his chest and a hand close to his face, his fingers tracing his bottom lip looking down at his knees as if he was thinking, and Jungkook tried not to chuckle.

- You talked to Professor O'Connor about me? - He didn't know how he should be feeling about that but also... he almost surprisingly didn't care.

Can someone be so comfortable with someone else that all their usual worries disappeared? Jungkook never knew, he'd never lived it, never felt it. But his breathing was as soft as the breeze.

- Yes. - Taehyung answered with half a smile, looking down at his knees. Jungkook found it was even easier to look at him when he wasn't looking, so he looked as the latter spoke. - After you and I stumbled upon each other... - His grin widened and Jungkook grunted a little before laughing with him. - ...I went back to follow the Headmaster along with everyone else and went straight to Mr. O'Connor. I was curious so I asked him how you two knew each other. Needless to say, your meeting with him went stumble-free.-

Jungkook laughed again, feeling a little lightheaded as if he couldn't stop smiling and feeling relaxed, even more so than with Oliver and way different than being with his friends. Like he could do anything.

- Ok, we're never going to forget that, are we? - Jungkook accused him and, at that moment, Taehyung raised his head and smiled widely at Jungkook while he shook his head, laughing.

A feeling like lightning struck Jungkook's stomach and it ran through his whole body making him want to jump up or laugh. But he stopped himself from even moving a finger. The moment he looked at that radiant face that shined even under the moonlight and connected stares with his jewel-like eyes, he looked away, his body tensing over at the wildness that wanted to take over. It was something he'd never felt before. Wild happiness.

Somewhere deep in his mind, he knew he was doing something wrong by being here, he knew it... but he ignored it as much as he could, just for a second longer, please, just give him a second longer of... this...

- No, he didn't convert me or anything. - Jungkook chuckled, still tense but determined to talk naturally. - Although I must say, the way he honeyed his words while he talked about Philosophy would've been very convincing enough if we hadn't had a long conversation afterward. - He had an urge to look around just to make sure they were indeed alone... but he stopped himself, keeping his head looking straight ahead as a nervous smile took over his face when he heard the deep voice beside him laugh.

- "Honey-ed"? What a strange verb, I think I've never heard it before. - He was still laughing, making Junkook's cheeks warm up. - May I hear the conjugations, please? -

- Am I going to be reprimanded, Professor? - He was feeling like he could make jokes, like he could let loose, like he could live and laugh a little in this deserted place, far away from cameras and people and rules and judgment.

- No, I won't reprimand you for something so funny. I can, however, laugh about it. - And he did, he laughed again softly and Jungkook turned ever so slightly to see it. But just as fast turned back again.

He felt like he was eating the forbidden fruit in the smallest of bites while hiding away from God's eye. Like the trees above them and bushes behind them could hide them well enough. Because he was sure this wasn't allowed, this definitely wasn't allowed, it felt too good to be allowed.

- Wait, now I'm curious, - Said Taehyung with the lingering smile of his previous laughter. - Am I meeting the future troublemaker of the class? -

Now that was a surprise. Jungkook was the one laughing now.

- What? No, I'm not a troublemaker. - He paused - In here. - Taehyung laughed. - No, I'm serious, I promised that this would be a new beginning. - If Taehyung knew what kind of trouble he was often involved in, he wouldn't be laughing right now. - Have you ever had a troublemaker in your class? -

- I have had troublemakers. - He was talking with a smile, Jungkook could tell even if he wasn't looking at him, and the sound of it made him smile wider still. - But the thing is, I only knew they were troublemakers because other teachers said they were, they were always subdued in my classes. They were bold in their speech but it was always funny. I've never had a bad student in my life, not even when I give classes in schools.-

Jungkook took in a very deep breath as he thought about it, this deep voice, brightened by a smile and smoothed by kindness talking and teaching for hours about interesting topics.

Jungkook sighed...

- It must be your voice. - It was only after he realized he'd said it out loud that some of the tension returned to him, halting his breathing a bit.

The warnings in his mind sounded louder now.

- My voice? -

Jungkook could see from the corner of his eye how Taehyung's torso turned ever so slightly towards him.

He had to answer. He wanted to answer.

- Your voice is... - He looked around, breathing deeply to ease his nerves. But looking at the water in front of them and immediately knew what to say. - Like this creek over here. It's very soothing and calm. Peaceful. And it just flows naturally. With a richness and beauty that comes from high in the mountains, and touching the sky. It could be mighty enough to move rocks out of the way or constant enough to smooth their harsh edges. It carved a path for itself in between the trees but never damaged the view, only enhanced it. And its flow ends in a river. All the path that it had made from a single drop out of the sky ends in a large and important river that later on will end in the ocean. This creek is as important to nature as your voice is important to the world, and the river that your voice ends up in is your students. -

He couldn't remember the last time he said something like that to someone else. He always thinks about saying it, but never does, and ends up writing it down in a notebook no one but he will read. But, as uncommon as it may be, he let out a deep breath and felt as relaxed as the flow of the water.

Then he realized that it had gotten very quiet. He felt so good about getting that out of his chest that he never thought about why he didn't usually say this kind of thing to people. Just like when he looks at someone else too deep or for too long, talking about deep things might make them uncomfortable. His immediate thought was to curse himself, but the part that was relaxed, the part of him that decided, in some unknown part of the night, that it was fine for him to speak his mind in front of Taehyung, was calm and content just waiting for Taehyung to say something if he wanted to.

And he did.

- Thank you. -

Jungkook blinked and slowly looked to the side, straight at Taehyung's eyes. The gratitude in his voice was far beyond what he was capable of hearing. The gratitude in his eyes, a beautiful tragedy.

Jungkook forgot about the creek, the trees, the moon, the wind, what he did before coming here, what he said, what he believed in. It was just him.

His eyes were shining, deep and dark, they reflected light as if they held stars in a gentle hold and still his stare was as soft as feathers. Dark like the night, it might be unknown, but never frightening. Their darkness spoke of a safe embrace while moonlight lit a home of care with a sureness that was almost blinding. Such a face could not be less than the beauty of the moon itself, as perfect and priceless as pearls themselves; as flawless and delicate as the porcelain of royalty. There was a sharpness in his soft features and softness in the sharpest of turns; down his eyebrows and his nose, to his eyelashes and his cheeks, down his cheekbones and his jaw, to the smoothness of his lips...

Jungkook looked and looked and could find no flaw, he looked and looked and found freckles and small scars and could find no flaw, he looked and looked and the lump in his throat grew tighter because... he could find no flaw. And he wanted, oh how much he wanted to be a part of such beauty, to paint his own fingertips with the white of his cheeks and experience the gentleness he held on those lips.

All he wanted was to feel if this masterpiece was even real for he had forgotten what reality was as he floated within the dream of what his touch would ever feel like. Would his caramel hair feel smoother than silk? Would his eyebrows feel softer than cotton? Will his own hands be able to touch him without staining each hue?

Oh, the misery of looking without being able to touch, oh the tears he swallowed down at the pain of admiring without being able to hold, oh the sadness of the heart at pulling himself back even if he asked, pleaded, begged for the simplest grace of a finger...

The more he looked, the more he wondered. Would his cheek feel cold? Would his lips feel chapped? Would his hair feel damp with the fall of remaining raindrops? Are his eyes tired? Are his shoulders tense? Is he counting the seconds or is he also in a trance-like state? So many questions, Jungkook had so many questions. And he wanted to be answered to all of them, he wanted to know him, to hear him, to touch him if he could.

He wanted to keep him warm, to keep him from danger, to keep those eyes away from tears, his voice away from sobs, and keep him as beautiful as he was. He wanted to listen to his voice, to his stories, feel his laughter in his own chest, hear the smile in his words when he's not looking, talk for hours on end in a beautiful remote place and feel at peace, like he'd never been able to feel outside of this clearing, and be himself like he never felt like he was allowed to outside of his company. And just be with him, him, him,...

Jungkook came down from that high, with his head buzzing like static and his heart running wild. He'd fully lost track of time; he'd fully lost grasp of where they were at. Dimply he noticed that both of them had turned on their seats to look straight at the other, all while he still hugged his leg to his chest and the space between them remained the same.

He noticed all of these things without looking away from his eyes, and, out of that hypnotic moment of fixation, he looked slightly down to Taehyung's lips. It had been an unconscious decision, but in doing so he noticed something.

- Are you cold? - Jungkook asked. He noticed his lips were a little bit chapped and paler than before. As the night had gone on, the cold had increased and Taehyung was only wearing his suit jacket as a cover.

- Nothing I can't handle. - He smiled.

Just then, the coldest rush of wind yet passed through. Taehyung's neck tensed over and his shoulders rose right when he folded his arms tight around his middle. And Jungkook's heart tightened in denial.

In the swiftest, fastest motion he'd ever made, Jungkook took off his coat. He knelt in the middle of the bench as he watched Taehyung's eyes following the movement of his hands while he placed the warm garment over his shoulders and then froze. With his hands attached to those shoulders; with his hands touching him.

He was disregarding both proper manners and basic social rules. He shouldn't be this close, shouldn't be touching him, shouldn't have thought of how much he wanted to touch him, shouldn't even be here.

Just as fast as he'd placed his own coat over Taehyung's shoulders, he went back to his previous position on the other side of the bench, nearly cowering away at how loud the warnings ran in his head.

Taehyung's eyes were wide and his hands clutched the newly worn fabric, but it was crystal clear to Jungkook that he wasn't shocked because he shouldn't have done it, but because now Jungkook was only wearing a cotton, v-neck t-shirt. And it was cold indeed.

- You'll freeze. - Taehyung tried to take off the coat, but Jungkook crossed the line again.

He knelt in the middle, leaned over him a little, and grabbed his hands in place; grabbing skin he should've left in peace.

- I'm fine, I can handle the cold. - He was too close, way too close. Their faces were only a foot apart and he was clutching Taehyung's hands.

Warning bells rang like fire alarms in his heart ran faster with each beating.

- I don't want you to have to handle it. This is yours, take it. - Taehyung tried to tug his hands free. And though he was very strong, Jungkook's adrenaline-fueled fear and determination were way stronger.

However, both of their motions consisted of tugging and tugging each other closer they did. Their breathings halted once they realized their faces were closer still. And Jungkook couldn't help but marvel at his beautiful skin even if his consciousness screamed because of guilt.

- I don't want you to be cold. - Jungkook's voice came out softly, gently, full of meaning. He knew cold like a second skin, he knew cold as if it was part of him, he knew the detachment that came with it, the desperation to be touched that grew because of it; he hated the cold, so he wanted to save him from it.

Slowly, Jungkook sat on his heels to be eye to eye with him while his eyes never left him, and he knew the place he sat in should be left empty, he knew the place they were in should've never been disturbed. But he sat with his heart racing and he swallowed down the lump of guilt. He knew this was wrong and he felt like he would get hurt, but he wanted to feel as calm as he did before.

He knew this was too much, too many mistakes, but so few opportunities like this came and much less than those were with people like him, both beautiful and enchanting, exhilarating and relaxing; he didn't want to leave.

Tentatively, his hands relaxed until they weren't clutching Taehyung's, but engulfing them with his own.

- Then the only choice is to say goodbye. - Taehyung muttered with sadness in his tone. And Jungkook's heart lurched at the open longing reflected in his stare.

He wasn't the only one who wanted to stay. However, Jungkook understood that, if neither would let the other get cold, then they must go to a warmer place. But they couldn't go together.

- I don't want to go. - Jungkook muttered back, feeling the tears gathering behind his eyes, knowing he'd just made a terrible mistake in coming here. Taehyung's head tilted a little as his eyebrows pulled up in the middle, and Jungkook held his hands gently but with the need of a drowning man. - I want to keep talking with you. - Jungkook whispered, but he knew he would hear him, he knew those eyes wouldn't miss a thing. His chest tightened, feeling the connection he never asked for already solid and in place. And his head bowed as he looked down as if he could already see the cracks that his absence would make. - I very much rather be cold with you than warm without. -

He'd never been this honest, this bold, this free, this happy, this peaceful, this relaxed, with anyone else in his entire life, not even alone. No one, never, had made him forget everything as Taehyung did, and that felt... like he could do anything.

He smiled sadly, still looking down.

- I'm so happy here, I'd gladly freeze to death. -

- Jungkook... - Taehyung whispered, and Jungkook smiled sadly. With that voice, his name sounded like a song or a prayer; on his lips, his name sounded beautiful.

He felt how Taehyung's hands slowly and softly got out from under his own. And he knew that, when this light went out, he would feel the full blast of his wrongdoings.

The despair of his usual life was taking the smile from his lips.

But, once Taehyung's hands were free from his grasp, he was the one who grabbed him. His hands held his over his shoulders, keeping him there, and Jungkook frowned a little, looking up with a plea in his stare.

- We always have tomorrow. - He heard Taehyung say softly. - Tomorrow classes start, don't they? And I'm your Professor, right? You'll see me tomorrow in the morning and, if you want to, at night as well. Right here by the creek. -

Jungkook swallowed, surprised to be reminded that the world wouldn't end that same night. But he was also reminded that he was his professor, and he was a kind man who couldn't possibly be as broken as he, so he couldn't feel the longing he did.

Just then, when a wave of heaviness fell over his shoulders, Taehyung's eyes went from tender to sad. And a tentative hand approached Jungkook's face.

He followed that hand with his eyes, without stopping him. Jungkook's heart was hammering in his chest and he was frozen in place. Then the hand reached his face, and his heart stopped along with his breathing.

Only Taehyung's fingertips were touching Jungkook's skin. Cautiously and softly as a feather, his thumb swiped a tear away. And something happened then, inside Jungkook.

It was as if a chemical reaction had gone wrong. Jungkook himself wouldn't be able to explain it or remember it. But what happened was something like this: The cables are wired as they should, but the rubber that isolates them is ragged in some places more than others, so, too much energy at once, too much electricity in motion would create shocks between the cables. Imagine the sound, the feeling of a shock, the startling and the pain of it. Remember that the body has a memory of its own, and if the shock has been used before to teach a lesson then another shock would remind one of such.

That's why, when Jungkook felt the gentle touch of this unusual person, the overflowing euphoria of it combined with the terror of being spotted created a shock wave that reminded him of the lesson:

"!THIS IS WRONG!"

And everything went south.

Abruptly, he pulled away, stood up, and turned around. He felt dizzy, scared, he almost fell, but the second he heard a noise of movement behind him he started running as if chased. He ran through the tall bushes, hitting every low branch, nearly slipping in each puddle of mud, but he ran as if chased. He was out of breath, running back where he came from, following the distant light of the white path, going head-on against tree after tree and not caring in the slightest, grateful for the pain as it cleared his head and silenced the ringing in his ears. But his eyes were blurry and, under these trees, there was nearly no light, so he was hurting himself, mudding himself, scratching, and hitting himself way more than he realized.

When he got to the white path, still inside the woods, he stopped to hold onto the trunk of the nearest tree and tried to breathe.

It hurt. He wanted to go back. He needed to go back to the clearing with...

Jungkook touched his cheek with a trembling hand and his knees gave up trying to hold him up. It hurt. He needed him. He cursed under his breath and tried to calm himself but he could only think of him and how he must've hurt him by running away like that.

But what other choice did he have, he couldn't have stayed there, he couldn't have gotten closer, he couldn't have touched his face with the same tenderness, he couldn't... he shouldn't...

Jungkook put both of his hands over his mouth. He wanted to scream, to sob, to tear himself apart physically enough that he wouldn't have to feel anything on the inside. He wanted to go back.

He had known this pain was coming the second he heard him say goodbye. He had known seating beside him was a risk, but he never would've thought it would end up like this, with him sitting on the floor in the middle of the trees, stopping himself from sobbing out loud. And the worst part was that he wasn't like this because that man had done something terrible to him, but because he had been the happiest he'd ever been, with him.

In that single conversation, in the shortest of moments, Taehyung had made him feel like he could do anything, and he felt free.

But Jungkook didn't know how to be free.

Feeling numb, he stood from the ground with dry tears on his cheeks and walked back to his room looking straight at the floor, his hands in his pockets.

He opened the door of his room quietly, but Jimin was still up, reading a book by the light on his nightstand with his glasses on. Jungkook saw the time on his clock. It was a quarter to midnight. They looked at each other for a second but it was enough for Jungkook to see the concern in Jimin's eyes. He got in, closed the door, and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Looking at himself in the mirror, he hated what he saw. A pitiful, dirty, wounded child. No wonder why Jimin would look concerned.

He turned the water on in the sink and he saw the image of the creek flowing past, he put his hands under the water and remembered the feeling of his hands over them, he rubbed his wet hands over his face and felt his thumb swiping a tear away. He was crying again. In the end, he decided to take a cold shower.

Trembling with cold, he walked out of the bathroom with his sweatpants and a long sleeve t-shirt on. He got into his bed under the thick covers and looked at the ceiling, wondering why he'd just hurt himself like that. His limbs felt heavy and he felt completely worn out. Faintly, he couldn't believe all the things that happened in just one day.

- Where... is... your coat? - Jimin whispered from the other side of the room.

Jungkook could've started crying again if he had the strength to, but he only turned to the other side and closed his eyes, hearing the faint clicking of a light turning off.

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 4💜,

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Your devoted writer,

Ela Shadow Rose 🥀
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Go ahead with the next Chapter ->->->