Hoc Vos Ictus

Putting you thru this

Friday 13th of September, ?:?? AM

The first thing Jungkook noticed when he came into consciousness was just how comfortable the bed felt. So comfortable it almost didn't even feel like his own bed. Then he noticed the light behind his closed eyes, but it was coming from the wrong way. Then he noticed the faint smell of coffee, but... how could that be?

He was highly confused on why he was not hearing Jimin moving around the room when he felt something caressing his cheek very softly.

Slowly, he opened his eyes. And saw Taehyung laying beside him.

Jungkook closed his eyes and opened them again. But Taehyung was still beside him, laying on the bed of his apartment.

Jungkook frowned and closed his eyes again, moving his head to look at the ceiling, and opened them for the third time. But he was still in Taehyung's apartment. He sat up slowly, and felt just how sore he was, he felt weak and exhausted, completely worn out. He looked around himself, at his shoes on the floor, the empty coffee pot beside a mug on the desk by his left, then he looked ahead of him through the empty bookshelf and to the coffee table where there was an empty bottle of oral hydration solution. And, when he looked beside him on the bed, he saw Taehyung was sitting beside him, just like him, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, looking at him with too much worry and not making any attempt at getting closer.

Jungkook turned his head to look ahead and sighed.

- So it was not a nightmare. - He realized and frowned, completely discontent and unable to look at Taehyung for fear of rejection. But then Taehyung was the one who neared him and held his cheek, gently turning his face so he would look at him. He had a little bit of purple under his eyes but still looked very alert.

- How are you feeling? - His question sounded so unsure, so worried and strained like he was fearing he wouldn't answer him that Jungkook took a deep breath and leaned his face to his touch.

- I feel like shit. - He murmured honestly, and Taehyung took a deep, relieved breath. - I'm sorry. - He whispered looking at the shadows under Taehyung's eyes. But Taehyung shook his head.

- For what, Jungkook? Nothing about what happened last night was your fault. Nothing, you hear me? - He said softly but determinedly, moving to kneel in front of him and hold his face gently but securely. - You have no idea how worried I was. -

- I can see it, that's why I'm sorry. - He held Taehyung's wrists, having missed the feeling of his touch on him.

- No, no, I'm not blaming you. -

- I'm not saying you are. The sorrow I feel is for the worry I caused you, I'm not blaming anyone. -

- You're blaming yourself. - Taehyung said surely, and Jungkook did a double-take, realizing that Taehyung's words were right.

- Oh. - Was all he could say, and then he looked at his tired eyes and frowned again. - Did you sleep at all last night? - He asked, concerned. And Taehyung grimaced a little, looking down before answering.

- I did but... I was too worried, I couldn't... - He trailed off and looked up, there was relief in his eyes when he looked at Jungkook there in his hands. - You had... a nightmare. - Jungkook frowned. - You were tossing and turning like someone was hurting you. - He said softly and slowly, afraid that saying it might frighten Jungkook, and stopped when he became tense.

Jungkook stared off, trying to remember what he had dreamed if he had dreamed at all, but he couldn't, just like the majority of his nights, he could only remember what happened the night before and the horrors in it.

He looked down.

- I'm sorry. -

- Jungkook--

- That's all I can say. - He whispered. - That's all I know what to say when I do something that causes the discomfort of other people, ok? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you worried, I'm sorry I scared you, I'm sorry I kept you up at night, I'm sorry--

Taehyung kissed him. A soft, sudden, and little peck on the lips, but it successfully shut him up and made him forget what he was saying.

- Don't apologize. Please. - Taehyung pleaded. - Not when it wasn't your fault. Please don't do it, it physically hurts me when you're hurt. -

- No...- Jungkook's hands stuttered in their hold on Taehyung's wrists, not knowing where the wound was to put his hand over it. But then he took a deep breath and nodded looking up at Taehyung. - Ok. - Taehyung sighed and gave a little smile, but then Jungkook grimaced in pain. - We'll have to talk about it. - He realized out loud knowing that Taehyung needed to know, knowing that he wouldn't be able to rest if he didn't know, and knowing that he himself needed the complete reassurance that Taehyung will still want him, horrors included.

- If you want to. - Taehyung said, unsure.

- I don't want to. But you won't be able to rest if you don't know. - Taehyung gave him an apologetic stare that Jungkook knew he would give. - Just promise me something... - Jungkook pleaded and Taehyung paid close attention. But he wasn't sure what he wanted to say, "Whatever you might hear, please don't leave me"? He couldn't do that to him, if he wanted to go... he should let him. Jungkook bit his lip inside his mouth and looked down, ashamed. But then Taehyung leaned in a little and murmured just for him and his heart to hear.

- I promise I'll love you thru sadness and happiness; I'll hold your hand in dreams and as we go thru your nightmares; I'll bandage up your heart and kiss your scars till they're as white as the clouds on our blue skies; I'll sing for you when the storm outside tries to get in, and I'll stop it with my own hands. For you, the love of my life, I'll stay with you no matter what if you allow me to. -

Jungkook's breath hitched and he looked into Taehyung's eyes. There was nothing but blazing truth, and Jungkook felt like he might cry. He swallowed and his throat was so dry it hurt.

- ...Are you sure? - It wasn't his fault to be skeptical, he had never been loved like this, this entirely and true. It was all so fast and all so new. It was... overwhelming to hear it. But Taehyung was sure, it was in his eyes and the way his lips turned up at the corners.

- I've been waiting for you for twenty-eight years. I've dreamed longer than I've lived, and my dreams were always about you. I couldn't see your face then, but the second I saw you I knew it was you. - His eyes were shining and Jungkook could feel the love tugging at his own heart, closing his throat. He had to forcibly make himself keep breathing. However, Taehyung seemed to notice the tension on Jungkook's shoulders and little by little the corners of his mouth lowered until he looked worried again. - If... If you think I'm going too fast--... I mean to say... You have always been the one that couldn't believe this was all happening in such a short amount of time, so... I... Do you feel stressed? Or... hugely overwhelmed by this? I can go slower if you need some... time, I can... -

Jungkook sighed and frowned.

- Let's sit down and talk about this. - Jungkook said in a low murmur and moved away from Taehyung's touch to sit on the edge of the bed.

- Ok. - Taehyung said in a little voice, standing up faster than him.

Jungkook stayed seated for a while, just breathing. Because he never thought he would even hear it, because he never thought he would ever be loved so truly, and because he had never been loved like this. He sat there for a moment and breathed. Then, he tried to stand but felt so weak that he fell back on the bed.

- Here. - Taehyung neared him hurriedly. - I'll carry you. - He smiled softly and Jungkook said nothing, he just put an arm around his neck while Taehyung carried him up easily and walked them to the couch, and Jungkook gazed up at him, at his strong yaw and beautiful face, and he leaned in and kissed him on the cheek adoringly. Taehyung smiled as he let him down softly onto the couch. - Don't move, I'll bring you the other bottle. - And he left for the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Jungkook's head was still buzzing with the promise Taehyung just made him, and also the fact that maybe the overwhelming feelings of it all could be the cause of his unstable emotions.

Thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts. Couldn't his brain just focus on just one thing? on just one feeling? Couldn't he just be happy knowing that Taehyung truly and wholeheartedly loved him without feeling the vertigo of moving too fast? What did it matter if it moved fast? If they loved each other like they knew they would never find anybody else in the whole world, then why did the time even matter?

- Here it is. - Taehyung said, sitting down beside him and opening the bottle for him. - Maybe it'll taste better as cold as it is. But if it's too cold, tell me. - Then he handed him the bottle and Jungkook took it slowly, dazed after his internal questions.

Time really didn't seem to matter when it came to them.

With a little smile on his lips, he took the first gulp.

- Mm, it tastes like cherry. - He was surprised by the nice flavor.

- The first one was the same. - Taehyung said, his voice small and confused.

Jungkook averted his eyes as he drank another gulp.

- I didn't notice. - He murmured, ashamed, and drank again.

Taehyung took in a deep breath that seemed to strain his neck, but then he tried to calm down his tense sitting position by leaning his side against the back of the couch, one leg folded over the couch to be facing Jungkook. And then he talked while Jungkook drank.

- Can you remember everything that happened yesterday? - He asked softly and Jungkook nodded, lips never leaving the bottle. - Were you able to pay attention to every conversation there was around you? - Jungkook thought and nodded again. - So you remember Poppy? -

Jungkook lowered the half-empty bottle and nodded once more, he left the bottle on the coffee table and leaned his back against the couch, letting his head fall back as well, getting comfortable for the next conversation.

- What do you want to talk about first? - He asked calmly, looking up at the high ceiling and folding his hands over his stomach.

- I don't know. - Taehyung sighed. - I have so many questions. But I think the one that's eating my brain the most is... Are you afraid of me? Or have you ever been afraid of me? Or have you ever done something because you were afraid of me? Of what I might do if you refused? - Jungkook opened his mouth but Taehyung talked again. - I know you've said before that you've been afraid because of how new this was, however right now I'm asking you full upright if you've ever been afraid of me in a bad way. -

Jungkook took a deep breath, if he felt any better he would've stopped Taehyung a while ago. But he thought... and he thought...

- No. - He said firmly and waited for a second. - But--

- Oh my God, Jungkook--

- Let me finish. - He turned his head to look at Taehyung's anxious eyes and sighed. - Truthfully speaking... - Taehyung frowned and nodded. - Sometimes... You do remind me of my father. - Taehyung's eyes went up to the ceiling in a slight torturous way. - It's just sometimes, Tae. -

- When? - He looked back down at the couch, avoiding Jungkook's eyes.

- The first time was when you were taking us to see him. - Tuesday, to the headmaster's office with Tom.

Taehyung frowned.

- Was it... - Taehyung looked up at him. - Was it because of me that you had a... -

Jungkook's eyes went wide.

- No. - He said immediately, a little breathless. - No, no, how could you even think that?... I... - He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. - It was indeed the first time I ever saw you that... strict or whatever, but you weren't the cause of the problem. - He opened his eyes and saw Taehyung straight into his, earnestly. - You were the solution. If you hadn't been there it would've been worse, believe me. - Taehyung took a deep breath but then Jungkook remembered something. - No, wait, I got it wrong. - He looked off with a frown but caught the little concerned tilt of Taehyung's head. - First, it was at the library that day, when... when I asked for the time--

- Oh no, - Taehyung put the palms of his hands over his eyes. - when you pleaded with me to let you go. - He lowered his hands. - I scared you, didn't I? I--

- Stop it. - Jungkook said firmly and reached to grab Taehyung's hand in his own slightly weak one. - And you dare to tell me to stop blaming myself for everything. - He shook his head, and Taehyung froze. - Taehyung, I have tried to make myself clear from the very start, have I not? Yes, sometimes you remind me of my father, but all I can think about when that happens is the differences in the situation. The first time was when I asked you to let me go, yes, but it was because of how you stood up facing away from me with your hands on your hips in the same way he does it when he's angry with me. And then you went on, not to be angry with me, but to apologize. You see it now? - He asked calmly but firmly.

- Then it was when you were taking us to see him, because of how tense and strict you looked when I stared at your back. Your back, Tae, not you, you see? Because then, when I was on the floor... - He swallowed. - You saved me. Even if you were right and I might've never died, I still feel like you have. You constantly save my life. -

- The next time after that was when you were taking me here for the first time to clean my wound and I looked at your back. Again, your back, when I see the back of you and you're not being yourself but the strict and tense teacher you have to be, those are the only times, and it really means nothing to me anymore, because I know you and I know you're not him. Frankly speaking, I don't think I could love you like I do if you were anything like him. - He hesitated when he added - Or... or anything like... well, like... Evans... - He ended up whispering.

He looked down at his wrist -the wrist of the hand holding Taehyung's- and it was covered by his long sleeve, but he knew in a day or two that his skin would be marked with a greenish tint, and he hated it. He grimaced before continuing.

- I noticed this had been a constant worry of yours. - He looked up at Taehyung and went calmer when he looked at his eyes, taking it all in. - You always worry about whether or not I'm afraid, or doing what I'm doing because I feel in some way forced. I do think I've already pressed this matter, explaining to you in detail, there in the library, how I feel about you and why you shouldn't feel this worry. And I do think that if you're hearing me right now and looking at my eyes, and you still feel worried, then this is a problem. - Taehyung frowned. - Yes. Because it makes me feel like all the reasons I told you on why you shouldn't be worried, just don't matter, and that does hurt a little because I'm opening my heart here, completely willingly and on purpose.-

- And before you say anything, - Jungkook stopped him softly. - let me tell you something: If you ever feel doubtful again, remember how I look when I'm actually afraid or upset, and then compare it to how I look at you, talk to you, hold you and let you hold me. Remember all the times I've told you that I love you and all the reasons I've told you why I do. Remember that I was the one who gave you my coat that first night, putting it over your shoulders because I was worried for you. Remember how I find refuge in you. Remember all the times I've told you how you're like no one else. Remember all of that and then ask yourself, is he really afraid of me? And if you really do pay attention to me you'll find that I don't. - He finished and looked Taehyung straight in the eyes with hope, hope that he will finally be free of this worry.

Taehyung took a deep tense breath.

- I am truly sorry. - He then proceeded to bow his head and his torso slightly and stayed there, holding Jungkook's hand firmly. And to Jungkook's further surprise he started speaking in Korean. - ~From the bottom of my heart I apologize to you. From this moment on I will be as sure of your love as I am that the sun rises every day.~ - Then he neared Jungkook's hand to his lips and kissed the back of it to then straighten up again in his seat, looking calmer than before. - I promise I'll remember. - And he gave a soft smile, and Jungkook, not really knowing what happened but still pleased, smiled at him as well.

- Good. - Jungkook sighed and gently let go of Taehyung's hand to take the bottle from the coffee table. - I hope we straightened that up. So now, what next? - He asked and opened the bottle to start drinking again, he did feel slightly better than when he woke up.

- What next... - Taehyung thought, and the smile was gone. - Oh yeah... - He seemed to remember something, and his mood went a little somber. - Look, I am sure of your feelings, even more right after what you just said. But... - Jungkook half-closed his eyes in question and finished the bottle, then left it on the coffee table and gave him his whole attention. - I mean... what Poppy said about you being overwhelmed and--

- Aaaaalright, I got it. - Jungkook nodded and averted his eyes for a second. - You're afraid... this - He gestured to the both of them. - is the reason why I'm emotionally unstable, right? -

- How many panic attacks have you had this week? Be honest. - Taehyung asked, concerned.

- Ugh... - Jungkook grimaced and looked down to think. - Sunday, one. -

- The night we met. -

- Yes. - He looked up to make sure Taehyung wouldn't be doubting right now, and it looked like he was making a great effort. - Monday I had none. - Jungkook gave a little smile, but Taehyung didn't, and he went on. - Tuesday, one. After the library, before the fight. - Taehyung nodded like he knew it was going to happen and Jungkook had a sudden thought. - Wait, that's why you got to my room? Because you knew I was... -

- More or less, yeah. I might've had a minor breakdown when I got here after the library, that's why Oliver commented on how much better I looked. - Jungkook frowned, displeased on hearing he had no idea about Taehyung having a breakdown. - But then I thought of you and how you might in that very moment be feeling even worse, so I went. - Jungkook grabbed his hand and left a kiss on his knuckles.

- You're... - He shook his head, words failed him. But Taehyung shook his head, telling him to go on, so he went on. - Ok. Wednesday... I had a minor breakdown as well. - Taehyung frowned. - When I got to my room, remember? And Leo told us about... - He trailed off and Taehyung gasped and nodded. - I was so tired that night, and I was already very emotional before all of that. - Jungkook thought. - Just like last night it seems. But last night was like... even more emotional. - He looked down. - And well, Thursday, yesterday, one. The worst one. - He finished and looked up. Taehyung did not look pleased at all. - Would you feel better if I told you how your voice saved me when it happened? - He asked softly, and Taehyung tilted his head a little. - Just more reasons to love you. - He shrugged like it wasn't a big deal. - Because you've been the only person to help me go through that, last night the memory of you helping me, helped me again. - He smiled softly and Taehyung, frowning, shaking his head and still with half a grin, got closer to him and hugged him softly, like he was afraid of hurting him.

- Four in five days. - Taehyung sighed, displeased, and leaned away but stayed close, holding Jungkook to him with his arms. - I do think the unbalance is because of this. -

Jungkook sighed. As comfortable as it was being in Taehyung's arms, he didn't like the conversation.

- Of course, it's because of this. - Taehyung's breath hitched and Jungkook clicked his tongue, averting his eyes. - Goddammit, I hoped we would never have to talk about this. - He thought out loud.

- What do you mean? -

Jungkook realized his mistake way too late.

- Ugh. - He closed his eyes and leaned his head on Taehyung's shoulder. - I hoped I could... I don't know, get stronger? Being overwhelmed by something good is not something that used to happen to me often. Even in my happiest times with Leo and Emily I never got overwhelmed. What I mean to say is... the same thing I told you before. You are too good for me; because I'm not used to that I'm used to the opposite. So when you look at me with eyes shining like stars or hug me so comfortably I might just fall asleep and not have one single nightmare... It is a lot. A lot to take in, a lot to accept, a lot to believe that it could be real, and even more to believe that it could be for me. - He sighed. - When you're used to looking at the back of someone, the second someone else looks at you because they actually want to, it could be overwhelming. -

- So I wanted to just believe it and move on. - He continued. - I hoped that if I repeated to myself that the time doesn't matter, then I would stop getting so surprised to the point of getting overwhelmed because it is very uncomfortable not being able to control a hysterical heartbeat. But I guess I can't force myself to get accustomed to something so different from what I know as fast as I would want to. - He stayed there for a moment, feeling the stiffness of Taehyung and waiting for him to talk.

- So... - Taehyung started, a little strangled. - Just how long were you planning on not telling me all this? - Taehyung let go of him, and Jungkook, sensing the displeasure, moved back a little and turned to face him fully. - How many times have you felt overwhelmed by something I did or said and told me nothing? -

- Because, after some time, it was nothing. - Jungkook explained. - You would open your heart and I would stop breathing but then you would hold me or caress me and I would be fine. I'm always fine thanks to you. -

- No, you're not always fine, you just said it, it's because I don't watch what I say. -

- Oh please, it comes out of your heart, how will you measure your words? -

- Oh, so I don't measure my words. -

- That's not what I--... - Jungkook took a deep breath. - Tae, I will never tell you to shut it if you're speaking the truth, much less if it's something so important as your feelings. -

- But I do have to measure it if it makes you unstable. - Taehyung's voice raised a little in slight panic and desperation. And Jungkook could see he was mad at himself.

- I was always meant to be unstable, don't you get it? - Jungkook got a little desperate himself. - I'm used to hate. Of course, I will be unstable and emotional and overwhelmed if I'm given as much love as you've given me. -

- But I can make it easier for you! - Taehyung was clearly mad at himself. - Next time I'm saying too much you will shut me up. -

- I will not! - Jungook punched down on the couch. - I refuse to stop whatever beautiful poetry your heart wants to give me. -

- But why would you make this harder for yourself? - Taehyung grabbed his hands.

- Because I've never had it, Taehyung. - He took a deep breath. - Because you sound beautiful; because it makes me feel alive when you love me so openly and without stopping yourself. - He stopped then, remembering something. - And I have stopped you. - Taehyung frowned. - I put my hand over your mouth, remember? But you told me to let you get me used to hearing all of it. - He grinned in disbelief.

- Oh so now you hear me? -

- What the fuck do you mean by that? I always listen to you. - Jungkook nearly laughed in complete disbelief. - Aren't we talking right now about all of this despite my wishes because you told me to tell you everything that happens? Because You wouldn't be able to rest if I kept something to myself? -

- But you still keep things to yourself. - Taehyung said desperately but a slow bewildered smile started to spread his lips.

- Yes, that's called having a mind of my own, bitch. - Jungkook laughed and Taehyung opened his mouth in disbelief. - You said to tell you everything and I tell you everything that matters, that's the deal. -

- We have got no bloody deal. - Taehyung laughed.

- Well, we might as well bloody have to if this is going to continue happening. - Jungkook huffed. - Fucking getting mad about me not telling you anything and then getting mad about me telling you everything but still keeping a little stupid thing for myself. And also getting mad about me not shutting you up when it was you who told me to let you tell me what you wanted to say. I ask you, Kim Taehyung. -

- Ok! Ok. I got it. - They fell into each other's arms in a fit of hysterical laughter. But, as the laughs subsided, Jungkook went on, there on Taehyung's shoulder.

- I also stopped you when your head was too far in the clouds, remember? - He said softly, and Taehyung sighed.

- I still feel bad about it. I don't even know where I was going with all of that. -

- There's nothing wrong with having dreams. - Jungkook shrugged, remembering that Taehyung was dreaming of him being a parent figure for his children. Too much in the emotional department but still a dream that put a little smile on Jungkook's face.

- Dreams that could never happen? I don't think so. -

Jungkook's breath hitched, his bubble popped, and his little smile went away.

- What do you mean? - He asked in a little voice and Taehyung went tense.

- What do you mean what do I mean? We are talking about the same thing, right? -

- Well... about the things you were saying all wistfully? About us and... making this a home and stuff?... - He trailed away and Taehyung took him out of his neck to look him in the eyes.

- No. - He said firmly and that stopped Jungkook short. - Of course, we will have a home, my Love. - He smiled at Jungkook confidently, making Jungkook feel a flutter as his smile came back. - But I was talking about the dream I was having right there with my eyes open. - He frowned and Jungkook tilted his head, confused.

- About them having my eyes and my hair color? -

Taehyung cringed at that.

- Yes, precisely. - He grimaced. - When I said "dreams that could never happen" I meant that one specifically. -

- Ah. - Jungkook realized what he meant and nodded, then he hissed. - Yes, biologically speaking, the males of the human species can't do that, my dear. - Then he laughed when Taehyung rolled his eyes and pushed him back jokingly while he laughed as well. It was interesting that despite Taehyung's preferences when it came to a destined partner, he still had a wish of having a complete family of his own, but without the female getting involved. Something Jungkook would look through after. But right now, Jungkook hugged him by the neck. - You have very peculiar dreams, my Love. - He said adoringly and kissed him on the cheek.

- Aha. - Taehyung chuckled as he hugged him and they calmed down again. - So, to finish that one, you're still planning on letting me talk and putting yourself through overwhelming emotions until you're finally immune or something? -

- I don't think I would ever be "immune" to what you do to me. But yeah, that's what I intend to do. -

Taehyung sighed.

- If you need more time--

- Nope, na-ah, I'll be having none of that, Sir. I want this as it comes. I don't want to rush it and I don't want to slow it down either. I want it as natural as it always is, c'est compris? - He threw a little bit of French at the end, but it was quite understandable.

Taehyung chuckled.

- Ok then. - He kissed Jungkook's cheek and Jungkook leaned back holding his hand.

- Are we done? I'm hungry. - He asked with a pout, trying to make himself extra cute so he could get out of this conversation, and Taehyung did get a little startled.

- Oh, I brought the crackers last night, they're in the kitchen. Would you like tea or coffee? -

Jungkook did a double-take.

- When did you...? -

- Last night when you went to sleep I went downstairs and brought up some food and drinks, and also your bag, it's on the kitchen counter. - Jungkook got speechless for a moment, while Taehyung's face fell a little. - When I came back you were... not that great, so I got a little scared and never left again. - Jungkook then nodded, closing his eyes for a second, not really wanting Taehyung to keep going.

- Ok. Question: Did you check if everything in my bag wasn't broken? - Taehyung frowned.

- No. It's your stuff, I can't go through your stuff without your permission. - He said this like it was obvious and Jungkook chuckled, a little ashamed. - What? - Taehyung chuckled once, confused.

- What if I told you the first day I was here I almost opened your boxes and started organizing everything for you? -

Taehyung's mouth opened and he put a hand over it.

- You did not. Why? Like, fine, I know it's not the prettiest, - He said looking around. - but it's just that I haven't really had the time. -

- Oh, please, no, I was not wishing to do that for aesthetics sakes. - Jungkook shook his head. - I wanted to do it exactly because I thought you didn't have the time and you needed some help. As well as with decorating, which we already talked about and you asked me and I said yes. - He went a little pink on the tip of his ears when he remembered and avoided eye contact for a moment. Next thing, Taehyung was kissing him hard on the cheek, making him giggle as he was tilted sideways a little.

- Love you. - Taehyung murmured in his cheek and Jungkook giggled again, then poked him on the stomach making him laugh as he leaned back.

- Sooooo, - He tried again. - Are we done here? So we can go eat or do something different than this? -

Taehyung shifted a little in his seat and thought for a moment, then hesitated.

- Well, I also wanted to talk about that other thing Poppy talked about. - Jungkook tilted his head, waiting. - About the aaaa... the PTSD thing. - Jungkook got a little startled and let go of Taehyung's hand. - Only if you want to talk about it. - Taehyung rushed to say. - But, I mean, she did say you needed to talk about it. B-but, - Jungkook went tense and averted his eyes. - She said you also needed to meditate, and you have said you need to go back to the gym so maybe... But I guess it could also be good if you talked about it with someone you trusted. It doesn't have to be with me, just... Well, if you want to, you can always talk about anything you want and--

- You want us to talk about it. - Jungkook said the obvious Taehyung had been avoiding with a nod.

- But only if you want to. - Taehyung tried but he sounded a little desperate. And then he sighed. - I just want what's best for you. - Jungkook's mouth went open and his hands went to his chest, only then did Taehyung realize what he had just said. - I didn't--

- Oh no, you didn't. -

- No, I didn't. - Taehyung shook his head hurriedly. - I didn't--... I want to give the best to you? -

- I think you're making it worse. -

- I want to give you everything? -

- Just... stop. -

- I want to help you? -

- Oh my God. - Jungkook placed his forehead in his hands.

- No... - Taehyung said through clenched teeth, frustrated at himself. - Goddammit, I'm sorry. -

- It's not you, it's me who overreacts, that's all. - Jungkook said, shrugging, trying to not feel anything about it, and taking a deep breath. And Taehyung stood silent for a moment until Jungkook looked up from his hands again. - You see? - Jungkook said like him losing his breath for a moment was a proven point. Taehyung frowned. - Resemblance, and then difference. - He explained, and Taehyung understood. First, the resemblance between Taehyung and his father would freeze him, and then the differences he remembers about them are what make him feel better.

Taehyung shook his head, displeased.

- Ok... - He trailed away, completely unsure as he looked at Jungkook. - So... - Still, nothing, and Jungkook just wanted him to drop it but he tried again. - The PTSD–

- Weren't you repeating over and over that only if I wanted to talk about it will we then talk about it? - Jungkook asked, not unkindly, but Taehyung grimaced a little.

- Fine. - He let go. - We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. - He promised firmly. - I know we have that agreement of telling each other everything important, but I do understand when there are some things more delicate than others. And I'm sure that with time you'll feel better talking about it, and when that time comes, I'll be here for you. - Then he leaned closer to Jungkook again and held his hand, looking at him earnestly in the eyes. And Jungkook felt better all over again.

- Thank you. -

Taehyung nodded.

- Now, do you want to eat here or at the table? - Jungkook was even more grateful at this and sighed.

- Maybe here? It's just crackers. - He shrugged, but then had a thought. - Or wait, have you eaten anything? -

- No, but I drank coffee. - He said this like it would in any way please Jungkook.

- And is that a real breakfast? - He asked as he would to a toddler, and, just like with a toddler Taehyung looked guilty and shook his head. - Exactly. Did you bring food for yourself as well and not only crackers? - Taehyung nodded. - Good. So, while you're cooking something for you, I'll eat the crackers at the kitchen counter, does that sound right? - Taehyung nodded again with a little smile this time. - Ok, let's go then. -

- Do you need me to carry you? - He asked, a little excitedly, if Jungkook was seeing right.

- You like that, don't you? - He taunted him a little.

- Mayhaps... - He shrugged with a grin and Jungkook chuckled, shaking his head, and he let go of Taehyung's hand, feeling a little less terrible physically and tried to stand up. He could stay standing so that was good. - Dang it. - Taehyung jokingly shook his head as he stood and Jungkook laughed again.

Then they heard a knock on the door and froze. Jungkook hurriedly and professionally looked around the apartment, making sure where everything was. Making a sweeping of the place so he could be ready if he needed to act the part. He did that in less than three seconds and then turned to Taehyung again.

- Go. - Jungkook whispered and sat down again.

Taehyung looked at him, his breath hitched, but then nodded tensely and went to the door, stopping on the kitchen counter to put on a sweater he had there -covering his love marks- and then again beside the door where he put on his slippers. Finally, he opened the door, and Jungkook saw how his back tensed all over.

- Mr. Jeon. - He greeted, and Jungkook had to force himself to breathe while he hugged his legs close to his chest.

- Professor Taehyung, I--... - He stopped talking, and Jungkook turned to see him, making eye contact with him over Taehyung's shoulder. - So, he's here. -

- Sir? -

- His friends called me this morning, very concerned, to tell me that Jungkook never returned to his room last night. - Jungkook grimaced and looked down. He never thought of that possibility. - So I came here to ask if you knew anything about it. Did he pass the night here, Professor Taehyung? I'm sure you know that would be against the rules. - His voice was threatening and Jungkook just hoped Taehyung would be able to act fast and perfectly.

- Mr. Jeon, only in dire circumstances will I ever go against the rules. - He bowed his head a little in respect. - Therefore, this was one of those times. - He straightened up again and Jungkook got a little startled when he realized they were the same height, but then he felt better knowing that Taehyung was way stronger than him.

- Could you explain to me what happened for him to need to pass the night in here? - His voice was polite, but he was oozing strictness. Jungkook hated seeing him here in his refuge.

- Well, Sir, ...- Taehyung hesitated and Jungkook looked hurriedly to the back of his head. Hesitation wasn't good when talking to his father. But then Taehyung turned a little to look at him, taking away that barrier there was in between Jungkook and his father, making him hug his legs even tighter to his chest. He looked at Taehyung with confusion, and he looked back at his father. - I will leave the details to Jungkook. If he wants to tell you, he will. However, I can assure you, with witnesses, that he needed to stay here. - Taehyung finished, and his father nodded. Then, to Jungkook's displeasure, he stepped in and headed toward him. The closer he got, the more uncomfortable Jungkook felt, like he wanted to step away as he got nearer, but thankfully Taehyung followed and his father stopped at the beginning of the couch to talk directly to him. Suit intact, polished leather shoes, and hands folded behind him.

- Jungkook. - He greeted with a nod and Jungkook looked up at him reluctantly. This was the first time he looked at him after he found out what Evans had done.

- Father. - Jungkook greeted back, trying to protect himself with his legs tight to his chest.

- What happened? - He asked simply but tensely, and Jungkook's jaw tightened as he thought.

How should he act? Like the punk that didn't care or the perfect son that did everything his father told him to do? He should continue with the troubling young adult, right? Taehyung was the strict teacher and Jungkook was the troublemaker student.

Jungkook felt fear creeping into his skin like a cold wind at the realization of what he had to do next. Be rude.

- Well, I--... It wasn't--... - He took a deep breath at his messing up. He was too afraid, he needed to calm down a little. He saw how his father raised an eyebrow. - I... I-I... - He couldn't, he just couldn't even try to calm down with him this near. With him, he couldn't calm down with him. His father closed his eyes and sighed.

- Sometimes you can't stop talking and then when it really matters you can't even open your mouth without babbling nonsense. -

Even if the fear never let him lose, the defiance he had always had raised in his chest. The need to defend himself and fight back.

- What do you mean when it really matters? So all the other times I've told you about something it's just nothing to you? -

- Don't you see? - He opened his eyes again. - You can only talk right when it's to fight. -

- That's not true. - He protested. Even if it was true.

- Well then show me that I'm wrong and explain to me what you're doing here instead of wasting my time. - He put his hands on his hips. Mad.

- Pfff, yeah right so I'm the one wasting your time when you were the one who came here in the first place. - Jungkook rolled his eyes away. He could feel himself shaking with fear but he sat resolutely still.

- Jungkook. - His father warned menacingly and a cold trickled down his spine.

- I got sick. - He shrugged.

- Then why aren't you in the hospital wing? -

- I don't like hospitals. -

- Oh, for the love of--... - He sighed exasperated, and Jungkook let out an uncontrollable, hysterical, little laugh, and regretted it right when his father looked back at him and panic raised above his defiance.

- I'm sorry. - He said hurriedly, closing his eyes and tightening his hold on himself, readying for the impact. But it never came.

- Well, you seem better now. Go to the hospital wing and stop intruding on this man's privacy. -

He couldn't stop his mouth when he said...

- I was welcomed here, you were the one who got in without invitation. -

- Jungkook. -

Jungkook jumped out of his skin and out of his seat, hurriedly scurrying away until he was hiding behind the arm of the couch. And there, shuddering, he heard his father sighing more profoundly this time.

- What the hell's wrong with--... - He murmured, but Jungkook could hear it. - Professor Taehyung, you are not obliged to do any of this, his friends can take care of him. You don't have to put yourself through this. - His voice got terribly sorry for Taehyung.

- Didn't you say you loved me? - Jungkook spoke clearly through his trembles.

- You shush it. Just wait until I tell your mother. -

- Is that supposed to scare me? - He challenged, feeling even more scared than before.

- I'm not the one hiding behind a couch. -

- Oh, how brave of you. -

- Jungkook, I swear to God, if you're not going to say something important, stop talking. -

- This isn't your house. - Next thing he knew he was hearing fast angry steps nearing him and he panicked.

He scurried away as fast as he could past the bookshelf and onto the bedroom until he was under the bed. Heart pumping painfully hard on his chest and eyes wide, he put a hand over his mouth to stop himself from talking back and watched how the polished black leather shoes went back the way they came until they were in front of Taehyung's brown slippers.

- If you need help taking him out of here--

- With all due respect, Sir, I would prefer it if he stayed here. I'm sure it's not against the rules if it's not nighttime, and there are still things to discuss with him. - Then Taehyung's voice got even lower, but Jungkook closed his eyes and was just able to make out the words. - Words alone do not work with him, Sir. He's not taking in a word of what I'm trying to teach him. -

- Hm. - His father seemed to be thinking in just the same low voice. - Yes, it's always been a problem. Sometimes he listens and it's the perfect son and then... - He clicked his tongue. - What are you going to try now? I must warn you that force doesn't work on him. - There was an eerie silence after that statement, both from Jungkook and Taehyung.

Jungkook's mind just shut down, it closed off, it wouldn't move, wouldn't budge, no thought formed, no memory appeared, nothing, just blank silence. Until Taehyung spoke again. His voice wouldn't seem different for anyone else that didn't dream of it every second of the day like Jungkook, so he was the only one to pick up the strain in it, like he was containing himself from acting on his fury.

- I chose to lean completely on trying to gain his trust. His complete trust, like a friend of his, so he would start hearing me more willingly and see that I'm only trying to help him. -

- Well then, I never thought of it that way. - His father sounded impressed. - You're a very ingenious man, Taehyung. I'm sure with you he'll finally grow up like he's meant to be. -

- Yes, he will. - Again, only Jungkook would've picked up on the threatening tone of his voice. While his father just chuckled and started walking to the door. They kept talking until Taehyung closed the door behind him but Jungkook couldn't hear what else they said. He could breathe better now, but now that the adrenaline left him he felt drained again.

He saw how Taehyung stopped by the kitchen counter, probably to leave the sweater, and left his slippers there on the floor before hurrying to the bed. He knelt and looked under it, concerned.

- Kooky. - He sighed. - Do you want to get out? - Jungkook nodded in tiny. - Do you need help? - He shook his head and crawled until he was out. He stood up, looking at the floor and dusting off his clothes, even if it was clean under the bed. - Can I ask...? - Taehyung trailed away, unsure, and Jungkook looked up at him.

- What? -

- Well, it just seemed to me that... - He frowned. - I just couldn't understand... -

Jungkook understood what he couldn't understand and he nodded.

- Why did I talk back when I was so afraid? - He suggested, and Taehyung nodded, completely confused and displeased. Jungkook sighed. - I'm a troubling young adult, remember? - He shrugged, he was also displeased but he couldn't do anything about it, if he had to do it, he had to do it and that's it, nothing else mattered.

- Could you maybe... stop doing that to yourself? At least not when you're so unwell, please. - Taehyung asked with his eyebrows going up in the middle. Jungkook was about to say that he "wasn't sure" when Taehyung said again... - Please? - And then he added... - For me? -

Jungkook's breath hitched at that and he noticed for the first time how being in a relationship does connect two people as one. If one is in pain then so is the other.

- Ok. - He agreed in a tiny voice. Taehyung gave him a small smile and held his hand.

- Do you still want to eat? -

Jungkook thought and grimaced, something about his father just being here made him feel a little...

- Maybe I would like to take a shower first. - Taehyung nodded and slowly started to walk them to the bathroom. - So... Mr. Kim is trying to befriend the headmaster? - He averted his eyes, then Taehyung stopped them and turned to face him.

- Mr. Kim is. - He said, surely, and Jungkook turned to look at him, he didn't look pleased in the slightest. -What he said about force--

Jungkook put a hand over his mouth gently.

- I might sometimes need to do this if you don't mind. - He said, referring to stopping him from continuing. Taehyung's eyes went concerned but understanding. - Just... don't talk about it, or what Poppy said or about that other man or my family in general... ok? - He frowned at himself, he was asking too much and felt awful even if Taehyung nodded earnestly. - I'm sorry, just... I just-- I can't... - Taehyung held his face softly and Jungkook let his hand fall to Taehyung's shoulder.

- I understand. If you could talk about it but didn't want to tell me because of how I would feel, I wouldn't like that. But if you really couldn't talk about something because you weren't ready, I'll wait with you, my Love. - He promised, and Jungkook melted where he was, right on Taehyung's hold and the power of his gaze.

- So, are you going to "put yourself through this"? - He asked, using his father's words like they were a joke. They weren't. Jungkook was actually asking him if even after all this Taehyung would still want to be here.

- I promised I would, didn't I? - He lowered his hands and intertwined their fingers at each side of them. - I chose you. And you're not only a pretty face, my Love. You've had a long life, and I know that, and it doesn't scare me. - He leaned in and kissed Jungkook's cheek. - Just like you said before "At this point, I don't think anything you say will make me run away if I haven't already". -

Jungkook chuckled and he looked up at Taehyung's eyes.

His heart... feeling overwhelmed.                     

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 29 UwU 

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