I sat at the kitchen table, watching as the words from the book I was reading blurred in front of my eyes. I was starting to get used to sitting with my family for breakfast, starting to get used to the ungodly hour they all seemed to enjoy getting up at and starting to get used to the slightly uncomfortable stares they were all trying not to give me. Even Tara didn't seem to be quite so offended by my presence, yet she still wouldn't look at me and rarely spoke at all. It was a stark contrast to five days ago, where she didn't want to be anywhere near me whatsoever and was even angered by mentions of my existence. I was even starting to get used to eating breakfast in the morning, and sometimes even branched away from my regular soggy - and slightly dull - cheerios.

It had finally reached the day I was dreading but, deep down, I was a little bit excited. Yes, it was terrifying and it could go wrong. It could go wrong so incredibly quickly. However, it was my chance to attempt to make amends, and it was also my chance to try, try just being normal, being nice. I remember people telling me: "Oh, don't change yourself for other people,", but what if I was changing myself for myself? Nobody had ever told me that doing that was a specifically terrible thing.

When I looked at the three other people who were sitting around the table, I was greeted by the same three people doing the same thing and looking the same as they had for the previous four days. My mum was fretting and looking unnaturally red and flustered, my dad reading the exact same paper that was delivered yesterday. My sister sat nonchalantly on her chair, her hands in her lap, and she appeared to be doing nothing at all. I could tell that nobody was overly happy about the situation we were all in, but nobody could really say anything. It would have been incredibly rude, for starters. All of a sudden, my mother and father spoke up at the same time.

"So, everybody-" My mum started at the same time as my dad coughed to get everybody's attention.

"Well-" They looked at each other and shared a moment of scepticism, before my mum shrunk in her seat and let my dad speak. He had a moment of self-congratulation and complacency before continuing with his words.

"Well, I thought that today we could go into town and buy some special treats for my favourite two - sorry, three - girls, after all it is a lovely day and I do believe that there are some places I could take you all-" I bit my lip and shook my head anxiously at my father, but ensured that it was subtle because I didn't want to be shouted at. I took a moment to take a glance at everybody else, and was incredibly relieved to see that nobody else seemed to be particularly keen. My mum just looked tired and Tara looked particularly disinterested. "No? Well, I guess that if nobody cares for my idea-"

"I'm not going out today," Tara said in an unreadable tone of voice and, for the first time in forever, I found myself in agreement with my little sister.

"I'm actually busy today... as well..." I felt the words stumble clumsily out of my mouth and my cheeks reddened when I was looked at in disbelief. There was an intense pause before my mum took over the speaking role.

"That's lovely, Annie... What are your plans?" She smiled expectantly at me and gestured at me, suggesting that it was my turn to talk.

"Well..." Deep breaths, deep breaths, relax your shoulder, simply talk about your plans and then go upstairs and hide away for a couple of hours. "I'm actually meeting up with Lola in a few hours, at three. I managed to meet up with her a couple of... days ago." My news was greeted by a series of "aww's" and "oh, isn't that nice?'s".

"Aww, how lovely is that? I'm so glad that you're back in touch with her, what a lovely girl she is?"

"Yeah, yeah, I think so..." I really wished that I hadn't said anything, the response was so overwhelmingly patronising all because I hadn't left the house properly in a very long time to them.

"Well, if you need any help with what to wear or anything..." Tara looked judgingly at my mum because of her offer. I didn't say anything but I secretly felt the same way. It all felt a bit forced, a bit fake. I grimaced at Tara and she might have kept a straight face but we at least maintained eye contact for a couple of rare moments. As we broke it off, Tara pushed the bowl in front of her away, and I did the same thing before standing up and tucking my chair in.

"Thanks for breakfast," I smiled with the most genuinity as I could possibly muster and I placed down my bowl gently on the kitchen counter by the sink. I didn't throw it or smash it, I think I'm past that stage for now, much to the relief of my parents. I had made my way through the doors and was at the base of the stairs when I heard a pair of feet jogging (well, sort of jogging) after me.

"Annalise, wait-" I turned around, confusion written clearly all of the way across my face as I was greeted by my sister catching up with me.

"Taz?" I queried, a little bit unsettled but taking the time to listen to her anyway. It was all about trying if I wanted to change for good, and that's what I kept telling myself. I would never ever be capable of changing if I didn't want it badly enough. She tried a smile at me, but I could tell that it was anxious, not entirely genuine and a little strained. I found myself to be less offended by that than I had initially anticipated.

"Annalise, I know mum offered to help but, let's face it, she'd dress you like an old woman, maybe like an eccentric art teacher." I laughed at her words for the first time in three years and it felt good to be able to show how happy she made me. Or will make me. After all, this is only one day. Less than a month.

"Come on then..." I ran up the stairs, racing her just like we always used to.

Things will be normal again, Annie, one day they will.

"Do you actually own anything that is nice? Anything that can't be linked to anything dodgy or looks like a bin liner?" I sat on my bed as Tara threw garment after garment out of my wardrobe. It was a little deflating to be insulted via fashion taste but moments with my little sister were few and far between, so I wouldn't be passing up on this one.

"My clothes never get worn Tara, it's pjs or the same three band t-shirts with joggers. These still have the tags on, see?" I said, holding up the two pairs of jeans that had been declared as "good enough" which, as I knew they would, had paper tags attached to them.

"It's because you never go outside," Tara said bluntly, looking at me with innocent eyes and I didn't know what to do other than laugh.

"You're not wrong. But now, little sister, I am venturing into the outside world," I saw her frown quickly before hiding it and I reached out to touch her arm. "What is it?" She sighed.

"I don't want to sound like..."

"A bitch?"

"Yes, that, but this is really weird..." She wrung out her hands and I felt a stab of guilt in my heart.

"Is it my fault?" I asked honestly and just watched as she shrugged falteringly.

"I mean, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. You were missing from my life for three years, I periodically forgot that I had an older sister as well as an older brother but you just reappeared randomly one morning. I remember being scared when you went into hospital, but because I never saw you again after that you faded. The thing is, we're both... sort of... the same? And I think I hate you - just a little bit - for being gone..." She whispered, her words clear and precise. I felt myself shrink down, knowing that every single bit of what she had said was true.

"I'm sorry Taz..." I replied, well aware that a single 'sorry' most likely wouldn't be enough for Tara for a very, very long time. Instead of dwelling on it, I observed her pin a smile back on to her face and chase away the storm clouds that had been clouding her general aura.

"Now let's find something suitable..." And she continued throwing the contents of my cupboards at me as I opened my laptop for the first time in a few days.

New message from @lostcqlibre:

Hi Annalise :)

I'm sorry for not responding. I think life got in the way, but I'm here now. I think messaging people is a bit weird anyway, whether you know them or not but I've never actually had anyone to message properly anyway. People tend to ignore me and avoid me as well.

Isn't it strange that I managed to stumble across your letters to the universe? I read so many blogs that have been written by so many different people and I ended up on yours. I remember reading it when I should have been asleep and feeling gobsmacked (good word, right?) that there was another person out there who felt the same way as me. I was relieved, yet also confused but pleased. I didn't know how I felt, but your ability to put your emotions (and also mine) into words has helped me out a lot. That's partly why I am here replying. Anyways, moving on.

I'm proud of you, by the way. I'm glad that you're trying to make a change in your life and I really hope that your catch up with your old friend goes as well as you hope it will. You said that things weren't exactly great with her, so perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to fix the relationship.

I'm so sorry that this is short and nondescript but I've got to go and face the real world once again (sad, I know), until next time Annie <3

Lots of love,

@lostcqlibre (aka Milly. That's my name) xx

I shut my laptop again just as the hand on my clock ticked over to half past two. Tara had left my room about twenty minutes ago and I simply kept reading and rereading the message I had received from @lostcqlibre. Well, Milly. It felt like there was actually a real person behind the screen instead of what could maybe turn out to be a robot. I took a deep breath in and smiled nervously to my room before closing my laptop and leaving the house to go and change something for the better. Hopefully.

The pavement seemed to stretch on forever and forever as I checked my watch again and again to make sure that I wasn't going to be late. I knew I wouldn't be, there is no such thing as pavement traffic, but the feelings of dread and anxiety were bubbling in the pit of my stomach.

I've got this, I can do this. Deep breath in, out. You'll be fine.

I rounded the final corner and was able to see the coffee shop and also Lola hovering restlessly a few metres away from the door, hopping from one foot to another. I smiled to myself before starting to walk down the street without being nice. I watched her check her watch one time. Two times. Three times. It was good to see she was clearly as worried as I was about this whole thing. Finally, she noticed me getting closer and I tried to wave without looking awkward - surprisingly difficult - before speeding up the pace of my walk to go and meet her.

"Hey," I said, trying to subtly get my breath back. I wasn't really used to having to walk to places, staying indoors was much more my style.

No, that's the old Annalise, not me. I can do this, I can apologise, I can change.

"Hi..." Lola said quietly, trying and failing to hide her grin that I had actually turned up on time, even a bit early. "Shall we?" She asked, gesturing to the purple door behind her. I nodded and we walked in together to order, sit down and sort our lives out.

"It's been ages," I started talking just as I went to take a sip of my drink, leaving several moments of mildly uncomfortable silence until I had finished.

...

"How have you been then?" I asked. "How are A-levels?" The conversation topic was dull, I knew that, but I had never been outstanding at conversation, even before the three years of self-imposed isolation.

"Good, good, I guess. My teachers say that I'm doing well, so that's a positive thing, I think..." I nodded in agreement. Another pause as we both relied upon our drinks to give us enough time to think of something to say, or the words to say what we both knew we should.

"I'm sorry I left it so long, Lola. I really am." She sighed pityingly.

"Look, Annie, I really don't mind. I... Well, I thought I would mind, I thought after this long I'd be so bitter and angry, but I'm just not. That's not who I am, you know that - probably better than I do, as a matter of fact,"

"Yeah..." I commented, sensing that she wasn't yet finished.

"I am able to forgive you for the amount of time you took to get back in touch again with no worries, but what I can't do is forgive you for before. I know and I get that it was a dark period of your life but..." I shut my eyes to squash any potential tears and breathed shallowly, knowing precisely what would be brought up next.

"Annie, you tried to hurt me. I know you said it was an accident but, quite frankly, no matter whether it was an accidental hit or a genuine punch with aggressive intentions, it still hurt me. The bruises themselves might be gone, but to me they aren't. They never will be..."

I looked up at the ceiling to hide the obvious reddening of my cheeks, feeling sick to my stomach. After all of these years, I'd never really thought about what Lola was feeling, both at the time and now.

"I'm sorry, Lola, I'm so so sorry. And yes, that might never be enough for you, however I understand that now. I made mistakes and I lost you for three years. Things might never be the same again, but please give me some sort of hint or guidance for me to make this whole fucking mess slightly better..."

Why are there so many awkward pauses? I feel so bad...

Lola looked into her cup and waited for what felt like five minutes before replying.

"Ok, Annie. It's ok..."

And that was how I ended up spending an entire afternoon with my ex, whose life I had ruined single handedly but was going to try my damndest to fix.