Dear universe...

I did it. I actually did it! I made my life (and somebody else's) slightly better. I made a difference, I made a change. I would like to be able to say, one day, that I am proud of myself. One day. I have too many wrongdoings to fix just now, but maybe in a couple of years I can.

I feel like I've been keeping you in the dark, universe (if that's even possible) because I haven't actually told you what happened a long time ago. I don't think I'm ready to say it all yet, but I think I'm going to try to start. I don't really want to give away all of my life history on the internet just like that, but I will explain a small part of my history which makes this whole thing such a big deal.

Let me set the scene a little bit. I told you in my last letter that I used to have a girlfriend who was also my best friend... Yes, it was a little bit awkward and in hindsight I would never do it again, but at the time it really felt like the best idea, the best thing in my life. It was all flowers and rainbows and sunshine but it didn't last for as long as I hoped, prayed, it would. Just to clarify, I'm definitely not trying to make excuses for this last part, I know and am fully aware how fucking awful it is, what a bad person I was.

This is the first time I will have ever admitted it to anyone, other than her, and I'm not sure I want to. I know how bad it is. But I have to. I've got to recognise it and then swiftly move on...

Ok... here goes...

I hit her. I hit her twice.There isn't any point in me trying to express the amount of shame that it has given me because I shouldn't be making excuses. We were both doing bad mentally, I remember that. It was just a few weeks or months before I was sent to a psychiatric hospital and her parents were in the middle of a messy - should I be sharing this? She won't see this, ever. Essentially, her parents were divorcing on very very VERY bad terms. We were both... Actually, no, I'm not going to make it up or lie or make any sort of fabrication of the truth. I was a bitch, I was deliberately hurting myself and I took part of that hurt out on her. I pushed her, I punched her, I regret both of my actions deeply. But I shouldn't pretend I didn't, I have to just admit it and move the fuck on. Make myself change. Like I'm trying to. I'm trying very hard, actually. Because it is hard, anything that's genuinely worth it always is.

But anyway, now I've sort of been forgiven by her, I'm thinking of finding something else to do with my life. What do typical seventeen year olds do? If I were still at school, I would simply throw myself into schoolwork and try to receive all of the academic validation that I could. It's probably a good thing that I can't do that, because I already had an unhealthy dislike for school buried deep within and that would end badly and make it worse.

Things I could do (or be doing):

Find a job? I don't know which jobs would be stupid enough to employ me, but it's just an idea.

Go out and find some new friends (highly unlikely but there's approximately nine million people in London, surely one of them might like me?)

Take a spontaneous trip abroad (I'm broke but would be fun)

Hook up with a bunch of random people (I'm not a slut but people do that sometimes, right?)

Do more exercise and actually get fit.

What I need to do:

Change my life. We already knew this, but I'm adding it anyway because it's very necessary.

Fix my family problems - this one is definitely a long term goal but, again, it's very very necessary.

Be nice to my sister. Surely it can't be that difficult?

Get out of bed everyday. It's a small goal, but fingers crossed an achievable one.

Stop relying on this blog to keep my mental health out of the drains. 😂

Find myself again. Or at least the Annalise I want to be. I think she's lost, not going to lie.

Use my past experiences for something good? It's not so much a need but it isn't a could. I think that one is a want but I'm not going to make another list for one thing.

So they are my goals, laid out semi clearly across one small page of the internet. I'm glad I did that, so I can actually be held slightly accountable for the things I get done. That's your job, universe. And I guess it's also the job of the strangers who read this. The number is growing, and I didn't think it was going to so it's very interesting to see.

These next few days, universe, are up to you. I'm not going to push for anything, but whatever happens will happen and I'm just going to go from there.

See you around,

Annalise (who is still alive) <3

Posted at 09:46am on Sunday the 17th of May 2009

3 comments:

@lostcqlibre - You're so open and vulnerable now, I'm so proud of you. Also, if there weren't

quite so many people in London I would see you around xx <3

@user76176238492 - At least you are honest in the fact you fucked up lol

@seb5d6e592bumblebee - I'm new here and I think you're doing great, fellow stranger.