"How are you?" I look up from the table at Jeongin. He sips his hot coffee and I inhale softly.

I put on a small smile, "I'm... managing"

The male in front of me stares at me as he puts his coffee down, I could see the thoughts roaming his head. Trying to find the words to make me feel better like he always did.

He would walk around the subject, not wanting to say something he would regret and end up hurting me. It felt like they all did that.

"I'm okay Jeongin" I add. Sitting back in my chair and he nods slowly. "You don't have to check up on me every chance you get, you should be spending time with Ellie"

"I do, but you're also my brother"

I look into his sharp eyes before looking away and out the window. Biting at my bottom lip and my gaze watches the people outside, in a hurry and always on the go.

"Sorry I didn't make it last night" I look back at him.

"It's fine, your not much of a drinker so you would've been bored"

"Still, I've realized I need to make more time for what's important instead of just work"

"Work is important, mom and dad are proud of you"

Jeongin frowns, "They're proud of you too"

I chuckle bitterly and nod, looking down at my now cold and abandoned coffee. "Yeah, so proud of the son that hardly talks to them" I mumble.

"They miss you, they always do" I sigh.

"I miss them," I said simply, not adding another after.

"Talk to them, and keep contact this time"

I shake my head, looking up at him "I can't, the last I talked to them was when I was with—" I stop, swallowing harshly "I just can't, not right now"

Silence filled the space between us. There was this question that filled the air around us. Why was I so detached from our parents?

"I-I should get back to the shop," I say, standing up and ending our little catch-up. Jeongin gets up and stands in front of me.

"Let's do this more often?" He asks, something in his eyes. Maybe it was hope—hope that I would agree and not push away.

I nod slowly "Okay, yeah"

Jeongin wraps his arms around me and I tense up, slowly wrapping my arms around him and patting his back lightly. He pulls away and I put my hand on his shoulder "Maybe next time you can Ellie, I haven't seen her in a while"

His smile grows and he nods "Yeah, that's a good idea"

-

I walk with my hands in my pockets, the cold air hitting my face. The sound of traffic beside me and people walking the same sidewalks as me, either in a hurry to get somewhere or exploring the city that was still so foreign to me.

I stop at the corner, waiting for the traffic to stop so I could cross. I was in the midst of a crowd, the streets were always so busy and you were always surrounded by people, no matter where you went.

I watched the green light and the nonstop traffic, my curious gaze scanning the crowd behind me and over the walking people.

There I stood, as the light turned red and the people that once waited with me to cross were now continuing their journey to where it was they were going. I stood there.

I stood there, not moving for a second. It wasn't long before I fully turned and let my feet lead me.

Was it him? No, it couldn't be. He wasn't here. My mind raced as I tried to catch up to the male that look oddly familiar. My steps became stretched and my pace picked up as did his. Watching him turn into an alleyway and I did the same.

Stopping in my tracks, my chest rose and I tried to slow down my breathing. There was nobody here. The alleyway was empty.

"I'm fucking losing my mind" I chuckle sadly, biting at my bottom lip and leaning against the brick building. I let my eye fall closed for a second before opening them again and pushing myself off the building.

-

"You look like you've seen a ghost" Felix chuckle and so does Dev.

I take off my jacket and shake my head. No, I just thought I saw my dead ex-boyfriend. "I had to practically run here because Jeongin and I lost track of time" I lied.

"Good, you both need that," Felix says, and I nod. Walking around the counter and into the back. Hanging my jacket up and the door opens, in walks Dev.

Devany is someone I hired when the shop opened, maybe a month after. She's a good person, probably just as good of a person as Felix.

"Did you really just lose track of time?" She questions.

I turn around and lean against the counter. "Yeah, talked lots about work and his girlfriend"

"I'm not Felix, Minho"

I open my mouth and close it again, nodding slowly "I-I know that"

"So you don't have to lie to me" I saw Dev as a little sister. She's only seventeen and I hired her because she was looking for a job and there aren't many places around here that hired anyone younger than eighteen, but she was persistent. Though, she speaks to me like she's older and knows more.

I chuckle and stand up straight, ruffling her short red hair. She slaps my hand away "Hey!"

I look at her, "Look kid, you're young and you don't need to worry about others' lives but your own. You are at the age where it's okay to be selfish sometimes"

Devany stares at me and I knew what I said hit close to home for her. I knew Dev's story because she was like an open book. After her first few weeks of working, I noticed how she would get here late and at first I thought she was just a kid who was shit at being on time but soon learned it was much more than that.

I give her a small head pat and she rolls her eyes as I walk away with a low chuckle.

-

I sigh and step back from the flower arrangement, hearing the door chime but I didn't look back as I heard Felix greet them right away. "Hello"

I tuned them out as I continued to place flowers into the arrangement and moved them around to my liking, "Just roses?" my attention was brought back.

"Yeah, I'm a simple guy" I heard the male chuckle and immediately tense up.

Please, don't tell me. I close my eyes and swallow harshly. Opening them again and turn around to see him. The boy from the bar last night, what a coincidence.

His eyes met mine and I didn't do anything but just stand there for what felt like years but in reality, it was only a few seconds before I walked to the back. I felt Felix's eyes follow me and I knew he was confused.

The doors shut behind me and I lean my sweaty palms onto the counter. Why was I reacting like this? Well, Felix doesn't know about my little adventures so to speak. He doesn't know where I went last night, all he thinks is I went home early to feed the cats. Nothing unusual.

"The tall handsome male is gone" Felix walks into the back. I turn around and have his hands on his waist "Now explain"

"Explain what?"

He looked at me blankly "That little encounter you had with that stranger?"

I shrug "I don't know him" In all honesty, I didn't know him—that was true. Felix just stares at me like he ain't believing a thing. I sigh "I met him last night"

Felix furrows his brows "At the bar?". I nod, and he grew more confused "But then I would also remember him"

"I met him outside, a little before I left"

Felix nods understandingly before his eyes widen and he looks at me with a smile "Don't tell me—"

"I won't"

Felix squealed and jumped up and down, grabbing my hands and saying "Y'all fucked?"

I shook my head vigorously "No"

Felix frown and tilts his head "Then what?"

I bite the inside of my cheek and shrug "My mind got in the way" I look down "Like it always does"

"This doesn't seem like the first time this happened," Felix says softly and I shake my head.

"It's not," I said, looking up but once I met his eyes I immediately looked away again and around the room. "I-It happened a few times but nothing ever went far"

"How come you never talked to me about all this?" Felix asks "You know I'm here for you"

I nod and look at him "Yeah, I know but it feels weird"

Felix frowns "Why?"

"Because he was your friend too, you knew him before you knew me and for years. I feel weird talking about my sexual struggles with someone who was also once close to him"

Felix looks over my face and puts his hand on my shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze "Don't think about that. I'm your friend too, and I love you and I want you to tell me all about those sexual struggles and maybe even the people you find interest in—"

"Okay, that's enough" We both laugh.

"I just mean I don't want you to hold back on telling me stuff just because I knew Jisung and that I'm engaged to his best friend" I sigh and nod "So, tell me everything about this tall sexy stranger"

I chuckle and shake my head "There's nothing to say, we talked briefly at the bar and it led to us going to his apartment but nothing got past—" I stop.

He senses my hesitation "Kissing?"

"No, he might if sucked me off"

Felix's eyes widen "And you left right after?" He bursts out laughing and I glare at him.

"Stoppppp" I whine and mentally curse myself out now realizing that was a dick move.

"Okay but seriously, you left him with blue balls Minho, thankfully I don't think he's holding a grudge" I snort and shake my head.

"I just kinda, I don't know"

"Are you attracted to him?"

I look down and nod. "Yes" I mumble "but, that's all it is" I look up at him "Physical attraction and even then his body or looks wasn't enough for me"

"Maybe you still need time"

I look away and say "I don't want time, I just want to feel better"

And that's all it was. That's all it ever was for me. I wanted to feel better. I didn't want that time to get over him. I didn't want to get over him. I still wanted those butterflies in my stomach when the thought of him comes up. I want to remember his laugh and his smile and how that made me feel. I don't want someone to make me feel the same or to make me feel more because that would be impossible.

I believe I've felt the best of everything with him. I don't want to replace those memories or feelings with someone that wasn't him.

I find myself being attracted to others and maybe even to the point where I did allow myself to break down those some walls and feel someone else lips on mine but I couldn't get myself to take their clothes off or have them watch me take off mine. I didn't whisper things into their ears and make them feel good, I didn't and I couldn't.