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𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲, 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬
𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐚𝐦

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(via Mitski - 
Washing Machine Heart)

𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐜 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡, 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫'𝐬. 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝, 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞.

𝐋𝐨𝐲𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐲

𝐐𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐲𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐲

It was the 30th of December, he was still settling back into his home after his murder trial. He was glad that Wright managed to prove his innocence, not just in the Robert Hammond case, but considering DL-6 as well. The past, he could finally leave it all behind. Even though it turned out to be that Mister Von Karma, the man that seemed to be there for him when nobody else was 15 years ago, was the killer of his very own father, knowing that the person who killed him finally got his guilty verdict brought peace to his mind.

The entire time he was being held in jail he was concerned about (Y/N), his wife. It would seem weird, he often thought about the feeling he should have for her, how he feels haunted by her voice, and yet he agreed earlier this year on marrying her. A decision made out of hopelessness, out of fear.

The same fear he felt back then when the two became a couple. He was convinced that she passed the point of realizing that suicide was no way out of her problems a long time ago, and yet there was this uncertainty that one day he would just find her dead body hanging from the ceiling.

He didn't want to think about it, but he had to in case it would actually happen one day. 

He stood in the kitchen, finishing his tea before he would make his way to Wright. After the last day of the trial two days ago he asked him if they could meet again, now they are reunited again. He somewhat looked forward to it, all those years he hoped that one day, he would be able to meet them once again. Additionally, he was happy that he could get away from her. Being around her was tiring. For years he didn't have the chance to really be around someone that wasn't her. All of his attention was on her for the last few years.

After he had grabbed his jacket he wanted to leave, while his hand was still laying on the doorknob he heard her voice behind him. "Miles, darling? Are you leaving?" 

He turned around to his wife. Her hair was messy and she was still wearing pyjamas, it seemed like she had been sleeping the entire time. "Yes, I'm going a visit Wright at his agency for a casual talk, that's it." She started at him, a blank stare without any emotions in her eyes. "Oh, really? Enjoy yourself then, I can understand that you want to spend your time with someone that isn't me now that you're free again. After all, you've probably had some time to think when you were under arrest and realized how important it is to have other contacts besides me. You barely talk to anyone that isn't me, you know. "

The way she talked about herself,

the way she talked about how he thought she wasn't enough for him,

it made him sick,

made him mad.

It felt like he had lost the energy to argue with her over it and tell her that she was not worthless.

It was a pointless conversation anyway. He had tried so often, so many times to help her, and yet it was no use. He wanted to help her, wanted for her to finally cure her mental illnesses, but it all started to mess with his psyche as well.

He looked at the ground, then turned away from her and sighed. "You know that this is not the problem, (Y/N). I just want to catch up with Wright, I haven't seen him for year's and want to use this opportunity before it might be too late again." 

She didn't reply, and since he faced her with his back he couldn't see her expression, and he didn't want to know it either. "I didn't mean it like that...", she tried to defend herself but gave up. 

"You can neither defend yourself nor someone else if you don't believe in this person", was something that a defence attorney once told her in law school. She knew that she tended to misphrase her sentences and made it sound like she was centring everything around her and her mental illnesses. 

Every time, when she was younger and when she tried to justify herself, she was told by the people that she just tried to avoid consequences for always trying to take the spotlight.

"You just have to get that I don't have always time for you."

And even he started to slowly grow tired of her.

He opened the door and said to her: "Dont worry, I won't be gone long", before leaving the girl behind in tears.

On his way to his old friend, he stopped by a place that he connected with a lot of memories. He was way too early anyway, so he had time. Parking his car further away from the road, he took a deep breath before entering the forest

He often returned to this place with her, once a year at least, on the day they became a couple. It was an important place to both of them, it changed their lives forever.

It was one of those days, the forest seemed quiet. The only sound between the silent steps of a squirrel jumping from tree to tree and the snow falling from the sky were his thoughts, and his feelings that were carried away by the gentle breeze. He kept walking, wanted to take his time to think once he'd reached the benches around the tree. And yet, she was always on his mind. For the past few years, there wasn't a single moment that passed without him thinking about this girl.

Such a beautiful girl, that not only ruined her own life but his as well. Such a pretty, naive girl.

𝐁𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲

𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲

He often remembered the day he came here for the first time when she told him about her depression. It was what got everything started. 

The moment he made a contract with himself that we would stay at her side forever, even before they were a couple, to prevent her from suicide was the day everything started to come crashing down. His emotions and feelings towards her began to slowly fade ever since. A friendship back then was hard enough for him, but he should've seen it coming that she would confess her feelings to him one day. 

It wasn't long until he had reached his destination. He swept the snow off the bench before sitting down. 

The air was colder now that he had stopped moving. He rested his hand against the trunk and began to think, think once again about her. This place, it was the link between his current life and the one he once had. And yet, he didn't desire for his old being to return. It was a miserable time for him, he would go so far and say he had depression after finishing his bar exam, but it got to a point where he considered if life was even worth living. The one person that had given him the strength to continue back then was her. He would've felt guilty if he would've left her alone. 

Always, she was always with him, around him. He didn't know if she was only desperate, or just had simply had no other social contacts besides him. He only knew that he wanted to stay with her, to protect her. 

In exchange, she used to give him the power to keep going.

Those times, they were so beautiful. So peaceful. He wondered why he changed so much, why he turned so cold towards her.

He wanted to feel something when she touched him, complimented him,

He wanted to enjoy their intimate moments together.

But it all felt so plain, so ordinary.

He thought back to the evening she confessed to him, it all went down in this very same forest.

It was in the summertime, they were on their way back from a trail he was working on as the leading prosecutor. She came to watch, and once the trial was over she suggested that they could hang out a little. He still had a lot of paperwork to do, but he didn't want to send her away. He let her stay in his office while he was doing his work, and the two spent the entire evening talking with each other.

"I'm done, (Y/N)", he said calmly as he stored the last documents in his office. The girl was sitting on the couch, drinking tea. "Do you have any other plans for the day? ", she asked, "because if not, I'd have an idea." 

He hesitated. He felt tired and didn't want to spend any time with her, but he had no other choice. Forcing himself to a little smile at least he nodded, much to her delight. "Alright, but you need to drive."

She had told him beforehand that she wanted to go back to the forest where they had talked about her depression. She instantly stated that he should not worry about it, that she didn't want to start another self-made therapy session in the woods. Little did she know that he was worried about what she would say every time she opened her mouth. 

A sickening fear.

They didn't talk a lot on their way, it wasn't a necessarily long car ride, to begin with. He felt the need to say something to get the mood up a little, even though nothing had happened in the past few hours she was with him, there was an awkward tension between the two friends. 

He was worried about her.

"So... Wasn't the trial earlier boring for you to watch?", he asked after she didn't seem like she wanted to start a conversation. His gaze quickly shifted to her before he drew his attention back on the road. "It was alright, your trials are usually more fun to watch than any other." He smiled at her compliment. "Really? Why's that?", he tried to keep her talking with more questions. The girl sighed and stared out of the car window. "I don't know... It's your way of managing a trial. It's interesting and not so dry." 

He turned his head around to her again and smiled sadly. She was just staring out of the window, trying to ignore him and everything around her. He suspected that something was wrong, her entire attitude screamed "Leave me alone, I need to talk but I don't want to". 

He didn't want to force a conversation upon her, but he knew it would only get worse if he won't do anything. It was like a dark haze growing bigger with time until she was fully hidden by it. He sighed before asking.

"So, (Y/N), what's on your mind?" 

"On my mind?"

"On your mind, yes?" 

She opened her mouth, but even though she hadn't said a single word he knew that she was going to deny any accusations that might come her way. He cut her off beforehand. "I've said it countless times before, there's no use in lying. Not to me, (Y/N). I'm a lawyer, it's my job to find out whether or not people lie. Besides, I know you too well at this point, you can't fool me." She turned around at his words. A small tear ran down her face, her expression was rather neutral. 

She didn't acknowledge that the car had stopped and that they had reached the parking lot in front of the forest already. He reached out his hand and gently stroke over her cheek. "We can talk outside if you need some fresh air." 

He leaned against the door of his car while passionately waiting for her to get out as well. It was in the middle of July, although it wasn't warm outside - or maybe it was just him. He felt cold, maybe even a little nervous about the upcoming conversation with her. He was breathing heavily as he pressed his arms against his body and closed his eyes. 

At this moment he didn't care, he wanted to run away and leave her behind. Not just her, everyone he ever knew, his entire life.

She often brought him into situations like that. She was the reason why he questioned himself, his life choices. He knew that it wasn't her fault. He might be blind, might force himself to be around her to keep her safe, but he was still able to reflect on his actions. He knew that she was slowly turning him insane, killing him. He didn't even have the energy to take care of his own trauma, so how was he supposed to be there for her. 

He heard how she closed the door, followed by her footsteps on the dirt. He watched her as she walked towards him, leaning against his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her to give her the comfort she needed so desperately. "So, what's wrong?"

She knew that there was no point in trying to avoid an answer, so she didn't even bother trying. "But.. You promise me that you won't be disappointed or mad, ok?" He nodded. "Don't worry. I will never be mad at you."

He wondered if it was a lie. He often felt annoyed and pissed off by her, but was it really anger towards her? Anger for ruining him, or was he just mad at himself for enduring everything that happened. 

"I-I won't make it to my bar exam", she stuttered and didn't even dare to make eye contact with him. "Don't say that, you still have time before your exam, surely you'll make it." His encouraging words made her feel guilty and sorrowful. She didn't want to keep talking, but she has to justify herself. 

"N-no. I'm gonna get kicked out of law school because I can't keep up. Even if they would let me stay, there's no way I will pass. I shouldn't have been accepted in the first place. You don't understand, my final school exams were beyond terrible as well. If it wouldn't be for my mum..." 

"She paid for you to get in?" 

"Yes. I would've told you earlier but you're such an... amazing person when it comes to knowledge in law. I mean you finished your bar exam with 20... It just felt like I would be a disgrace to you and your reputation." 

Her gaze was cold like the gentle breeze. He appreciated that she kept quiet for his sake, and yet he was so upset about it. He wanted her to speak with him about her problems. She never did, hadn't done it before and he was sure she wouldn't do it in the future. 

"You don't have to... Please, ...think about yourself instead of me. I would never force you to carry on with becoming a lawyer if you don't want to. Just quit if you can't take it anymore." 

He wished for her to be happy, to fulfil her dreams and do what she always wanted to do. She never openly spoke about it, what she really wanted to do with her life. He wondered if it was due to the depression if she just couldn't imagine because a future because she thought that she would pass away before she could even make it that far.

"You can still be in court without being a lawyer... Or a criminal. If that's really so important for you then you can work with the police and still be part of my team as an example. Don't give yourself up, you can still achieve your dreams."

Whatever that may be.

She nodded, kept her gaze down and whipped away her tears. "I don't think I will, but I'm honest with you: I'm too exhausted to argue over it." She smiled at the man awkwardly. "Can we just... Don't talk about it anymore for today. I don't want to ruin the mood. I wanted to come here for a reason, you know." The girl forced a smile as she grabbed his hand and pointed towards the sea of trees. "Come on, let's go."

He acknowledged her discomfort, it was obvious. He knew that she needed to talk, but forcing her to do it would be worse for her mental health than keeping quiet. Or at least that's what he thought.

Her breathing was still uneven when they reached their destination. It was usual for her, it took some time to calm her down. He learned to be patient with her, that's what he signed up for after all. It was hard sometimes, but he had to get used to it. She sat down on the bench, took a deep breath, laid her head back and smiled warmly at the could of leaves hanging from the trees. "I like the summer", she whispered. "When the weather is good I can force myself to go out sometimes." 

He just watched her while she closed had eyes and relaxed. She looked peaceful in that very moment if it wasn't for the red rings around her eyes and her cheeks that were shining because of the tears she had shed earlier. He still and was somewhat happy that he was here with her. She wasn't the most pretty girl, maybe slightly above average, but he still cherished her presence every time.

No matter how annoyed he sometimes was of her, but he felt how he approached the breaking point. He knew that one day the time would come where he had enough of her and would push her away, and he was afraid of what it would do to both of them.

"Miles... I have to talk to you", she said calmly. When his gaze turned to the girl next to him she smiled at him, her eyes shining like glass in the sun. Like broken glass.

He didn't forget about why they came here, she was the one who wanted him to come along for a reason he was about to find out. "What is it?", he asked calmly.

She reached out with her hand for his and smiled at him after she had looked up in the sky while thinking. "I won't beat around the bush since there's no use in doing that. Miles, I'm very grateful for all the time we've spent together. Truly, I appreciate that you stayed with me all this time. I know that I owe you something for everything you have done for me. "

A cold shower ran down her back when she approached her big moment. She knew it was all or nothing, and he knew what she was about to say. He knew it all along, he had a good intuition. Spending all this time with her sharpened his senses when it came to her, he'd even say he knew the girl better than she knew herself. 

"Miles, I love you. I know how much you have done for me already, and I don't expect you to help me forever, but... I truly believe in us, and that we can help each other. I know that you don't like to talk about your trauma, but I think I could help you if you would just let me."

"Miles, do you want to be my partner?"

Her soft talk really got to him back then, he acted out of pity. A little, naive that only seemed like she wanted to be loved by someone. He was touched by her stories, maybe because he could see himself in them. He wanted to give her this happiness.

Not just her, both of them were naive to think it would work out.

He stood up and walked out of the forest, one might even say that he was running, running away from the memories. He was looking forward to meeting Phoenix and hoped that he could rest a little, now that he was away from (Y/N). And yet, his mind always went back to her. He was worried about her. He wasn't the nicest person to her before he left, and knowing but her unstable mental health he knew that even small fights like those could be very damaging for her.

He did not want to think about it, especially not while he was driving.

"Ey, Edgeworth! I'm glad that you actually came. Come in and take a seat, and oh, if you want anything to drink just tell me! I've got some tea, just for you!" He was slightly annoyed by his old friend's attitude when he greeted him at the door, but he understood why he was like this. Phoenix had to be happy that he was able to talk to him again after all those years. He forgave him.

"I'm glad to see you too, Wright." There were so many things on their minds, so many things that they wanted to say to each other after 15 years, but none of them could talk. They just smiled, knowing that they had their friendship back.

He sat down on the small table in the office, quickly followed by his friend who handed him a cup of tea. "So, Edgeworth, what was going on for the past years in your life?" He giggled. "Why talk about me, wasn't your life interesting enough to chat about it?" Phoenix shook his head and took a sip from his drink. "No...! Well, maybe, but I'm just curious about you, that's it." 

He hesitated to let go of everything and freely talk with Phoenix about his problems and feelings, even though he'd planned to do it. It felt wrong to dump all of his trauma onto him without his consent.

"Not a lot. My childhood was boring, then I became a lawyer, met (Y/N) and the rest of my team, and just lived my life." His gaze was locked on the window, on the snow that slowly fell down the sky. He didn't know why he was so ashamed of everything, why he felt the need to hide from him. 

"Edgeworth..." He wasn't surprised that he had figured out already that something was wrong with him. He watched him suffer throughout the last days enough, of course, he suspected something. "I can't help you if you won't talk to me. I've been there in court after all, so if there's anything you want to get off your chest, all your anger and sadness, then I'm here for you."

"It's not about all that, coping with the events of the last days is gonna be a long term process. There's something else, but I tend not to talk about it." He felt the need to justify himself, although he knew that it would only raise more questions. "Well, then tell me about those problems. Don't think I will let you leave today knowing that you aren't alright mentally." 

He sighed sadly, as his gaze shifted to his friend. Once he acknowledged the worrying look in his eyes he knew that he had to talk, for his sake. "It's about (Y/N). Correct me if I'm wrong,  but we've never talked about her, right?" He shook his head. "No, you sometimes mentioned her but that's normal for couples I guess. Come to think of it, even that was rare. Do you... two have problems with your relationship?"

"Depends", he took a calm sip from his tea, "what do you define as relationship problems?" It was a simple question, yes, a simple question with a complex answer. Phoenix took some time to think. "Well, there's a lot I would consider in this spectrum, but it depends really. I'll judge that once you've told me your story." "I never said we might have, I just elaborated on your question."  The other guy rolled with his eyes, and let out an annoyed moan. "Maybe, but it's pretty fucking obvious that that's what's going." 

He didn't reply at first, and to be fair, he didn't know himself why. It was some sort of denial, some sort of him avoiding the obvious problems. Just like he always did. "(Y/N) used to be a close friend of mine before our relationship. She was there for me, and I was there for her. We supported each other, told the other one about what was on our minds. Overall, it was a very wholesome setting."

The images were always in his head, haunting him. Painful images he wished to forget because he knew he would never be able to see them again. Her honest smile. He used to love it even if they hadn't been in love back then. 

"She told me about her past and her depression, and I started to feel bad for her. I wanted to be helpful. It always felt like she only had me and that she would get hurt if I would do something… wrong. I was worried that one day she would want to go further. When she confessed to me…"

Phoenix could tell where the conversation went and reached out for his friend's hand. He looked worried. "Edgeworth, don't rush yourself. I can imagine that it must be hard to talk about it." 

No, Phoenix knew that he could never fully understand his friend, but he felt the need to support him. Although he never would admit it, the situation was too much for him. He hadn't seen him ever since his father was murdered, and he could've imagined that it made his life difficult, but now hearing that he had so many problems with his wife was hurting him. He had told himself when he uncovered the truth about DL-6 that his friend would be able to recover from all the trauma since he had a supporting wife and friends.

"I hate myself so much for saying this, but I wish I never would've married her - or even become her partner. She blinded me, I thought I needed to help her because of her mental state and yet…" 

He didn't want to show any weakness, he was raised to stay cold. Maybe that was the problem all along, maybe his inefficiency to show emotions when needed did more harm than good to her. 

He asked if they could move on from the topic and discuss something else, but Phoenix felt uncomfortable by letting the talk just move on. He wanted to help, he felt the need to help, but he didn't know how. All the years he had focused on his career as a lawyer, which lead to him not having any experience with relationships or even marriage. 

Additionally, he had the feeling that there was something else his friend wanted to tell him, but he didn't have the courage to ask.

The way home felt cold. The cold feeling of doing something wrong, of not belonging where you are. On his way, he wondered whether he should've told Phoenix about her suicide attempts and his depression. He told himself that it was the right decision since it's his problem and that he was the one who had to solve it - not others for him. 

His problem, and that of his wife.

To him, at this point, it was nothing more than a character analysis. He looked at her needs, her desires and tries everything he could to fulfil them. His fear was what had driven him to such behaviour. Fear of losing (Y/N), the one person that was with him when nobody else was. Even though he had all his old friends back and finally came clean with his past he will never forget how much she meant to him back then, and how much she will mean to him in the future. He might never be able to love her, but if his actions were what kept her alive, he had no problem with pretending until the day one of them had to go, leaving the other one behind. 

The door handle was as cold as everything else this evening. He slowly opened the door and looked through the room. She was standing in front of the windows, looking over the city's skyline. At the sound of him entering she turned around and smiled happily. 

"𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞, 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠."