CHAPTER 12

loyalty
━━━━━━━━━

HARIN

I grab the now-cold macchiato that's placed on the side of my computer screen that I've been staring upon the last 4 hours while sitting in my favourite coffee shop.

The barista looks at me once more, her eyes glancing upon the small tower of notebooks that's splayed out on the wooden table taking up most of the space. I send her an apologetic smile to which she raise her eyebrows.

I let out a groan, shifting my stare to my screen once more and to the essay on the anatomy of the human body. I rub my weary eyes and push away the macchiato that's not as appealing as it was an hour ago, before blowing away the loose strands of hair that's hanging down in my eyes.

The past two weeks has been spent with several books, endless cups of coffee, screen-eyes and lectures and it's been draining me for energy. And somehow there's also been this hole in my chest, the longing of a distinct cologne on a special person taking up too much of the space in my hectic mind.

"Harin?"

I lift my head from the book I've been pounding my head down to for at least one minute by now and narrow my eyes as I watch Jun approach me, his work-uniform on his slender body.

I tilt my head up as a greeting to which he grins.

"You look horrible." He chuckles, pulling out a chair at my table before he takes off the apron, putting it on the surface of the table earning a pair of rolling eyes from the barista.

"Well thanks, I'll take that as a compliment, cause I know I look even worse than that."
I give Jun a small smile as I take the hair tie from my wrist and quickly swirl my hair into a messy bun.

"You just finished your shift?" I muffle out the words as the hair tie is between my lips. Jun nods at me, shrugging his shoulders.

"Whipping up salads on a daily these days. I haven't seen you in the store for a while, though?" He furrow his brows as he glance to his side, his eyes narrowing as he's trying to read the titles of the books next to him.

"You're looking at the reason for that. I've been busy studying. . . I had to give out all my shifts." I breathe out, leaning back in the comfy couch I'm sitting upon.

"You can't just do that! You leave me with all the morons. You're the only one that's fun to work with!" Jun whines, his face showing an exasperated look as he watches me.

"I'm sorry! I'll be there soon enough, hopefully. Have you been busking lately, then?"

I swallow at my question, knowing that I haven't been able to join him lately because of everything going on back home and because of university. It's actually been a while since I even saw Jun, which makes my mind ponder on how much I appreciate him and his company.

He scoffs at my question.
"I've tried— but people are fucking greedy, they only want to watch when I dance with you. Like come on, it's not like you're that good!" He winks at me, a playful grin planting on his striking features.

I laugh at his words, shaking my head at his statement. Jun is really talented, he's just too much of a perfectionist to see how much he has improved during the last year. Usually we would go dance together after our shift every Monday, and I would look forward to it every time. He's such a good friend to me — he knows a lot about me.

"How's things at home?" His tone changes, his jaw clenching slightly. 

Almost too much.

I swallow harsh. "It's. . . A fucking mess right now."

I look down to my lap, watching how my fingers start shaking slightly at the mentioning of my home.

"Harin. . . I'm sorry." Jun say, his hand gliding across the table and lead my shaky hand up to his calm one. His hand is cold, but it quickly warms up my own, his gentle strokes calming my trembling nerves. I look up once more and send him a tight-lipped smile.

"I'm fine, Jun. Everything is going to be fine." I sigh out, nodding at him trying to seem as convincing as possible, but I see how Jun cocks up an eyebrow at my weak response.

"Come live with me for a few weeks. Until everything goes smoother with school, work and all. I have plenty of room anyways." Jun says, his offer making me dart up my eyes to his warm ones.

"I can't—" I start, but Jun cuts me off faster.

"You're wrong. You can. I don't like seeing you like this, Harin. I can tell something is wrong." His eyes are reassuring as he tilts his head to the side, studying me while I ponder over his suggestion.

Songmin wouldn't let me do this — he always wants to know where I am, what I'm doing, when I'll be home. He wants to keep track on me at all times, to know when I make mistakes, when I should be punished.

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath.

"Okay."

Jun smiles wide, his hand squeezing mine gently. His caramel brown eyes crinkle up in amusement.

"But you don't have plenty of space. I've seen your apartment, Jun. . ." I bite my bottom lip, holding back a laugh as I watch him widen his eyes at my statement.

"Yah, you're lucky I actually care about your sorry a—"

I lift my hand from his and lead it to his mouth, placing it in front of his blabbering mouth and grin at him as he dramatically pretends to run out of air.          

I scoff at his acting. "Moron. Let's go, shall we?"

━━━━━━

Dear Parent,

I am writing to advise you that Harin's school attendance is causing concern as it has falling drastically lately, and as a result we're becoming concerned that Harin is missing a significant part of learning. As an example Harin missed the last essay's deadline by 5 days and she has also been absent from her dance classes. As you know, Ewha University has a strict policy regarding meeting the deadlines. I will continue to monitor Harin's attendance and engagement and I look forward to seeing an improvement.

Yours sincerely,

Heisook Kim

Biting my bottom lip I stare at the screen, the letter from the university supposed to be read by my mother, firmly placed on my lap instead as I read it over and over again on my laptop screen.

I close my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat, feeling how my eyes starts to sting while I sit on the cold tile-floor on the bathroom in Jun's small apartment.
It's past midnight already and Jun is sleeping on the couch a few feet from his actual bed that he's been persistent that I invade.

I let out a muffled cry, holding my heavy head between my hands. Please let this be a nightmare.

I close the laptop and slowly get up from the cold floor, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

My hair is flat against my round head, the brown locks looking dull and frizzed. My skin has been breaking out, little red spots on my chin making me wince aggravated at myself. The dark circles under my eyes evident on the fact that I haven't been able to sleep for the past weeks, the red-sprung inside of my eyes serving as the icing on the cake.

I'm tired as hell, weary with the burden of long-closed eyes — I can easily pull off being a walking zombie, dead on the inside but subconsciously awake. I can feel the tiredness inside me like a worm, slowly but deliberately draining me for life. I'm alive, but I'm not really living. I hear, but I'm not really listening. Everything seems to move in a dragged pace, all submerged into a hazy fuzz.

I rub my eyes with my hands, noticing the wet drops of water they take along with them as they try to erase the feeling of being a failure.

I slump my shoulders and breathe out before locking myself out of the bathroom, tip-toeing across the floor before I reach the bed. Sliding down under the soft covers I can hear Jun shuffle in his sleep, his calm breathing somehow easing my own as I find his company safe.

"Are you okay?"

I turn on my side, the choked cry stuck in my throat as I hum as an response to Jun's raspy voice.

"Wake me up if you're not feeling well. Promise?" He say, his caring words warming up my heart as my bottom lip quivers slightly.

"Promise."

As Jun's soft breathing indicates him being asleep I lie in bed, my mind running wild once again.

And somehow I end up giving in to that longing feeling that's been inside of my chest for the past two weeks — my shaky fingers gliding upon the small, bright screen, my heart pounding inside of my ribcage, ready to burst as I finally close my eyes and breathe out, knowing that the one person I want to comfort me is thousands of miles away. Without knowing I cross my fingers, my heart still beating, hoping for my comfort to return my plead.

And while I finally manage to fall asleep, my plead is answered — somehow making me stop tossing and turning without even knowing. My breathing is calm, my mind silent for once.
A peaceful night at last.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A/N NOTE 💌:
hello loves. thank you for reading again! how did you like this chapter?
i'm sorry for the slow updates, but hopefully you're all reading some other (amazing) books to keep you busy !!

and also — merry christmas! 🎄
i hope you enjoy with family and friends. i'll see you soon again.
much love 💓