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"OH, GOD," CHARLOTTE breathed, pressing the heels of her hand into her eyes, "Oh, God."

JJ stood in front of her, watching her with an axious expression. "Charls, please relax. You're stressin' me out!"

She spun on him, utter shock on her features. "I'm stressin' you out!?" She balked, flinging an arm out toward the couch. "JJ, you just told me that there's a dead body behind our couch right now. The same couch we were just sittin' on while we got interrogated by the sheriff!"

Apparently, Cleo had never been catching bait like her text that morning had said. She'd been taken by the same people who were out by Blackbeard's wreck a few nights prior. Somehow, Terrance had been with them, and when Cleo's life was threatened, he had sacrificed himself to save her. 

Whoever these people were had killed Terrance and then taken off with the amulet once Pope returned to the house. Another person was dead, and they had lost the one thing that guaranteed them some sort of financial security. 

"Okay," JJ conceded, "It sounds bad when you say it like that."

"How else am I supposed to say it!?" Charlotte argued, her stress bubbling over. "This is bad, J. Like really bad."

JJ sighed. "I know. I know." He agreed. "It's just that─if we had have told Shoupe, he wouldn't have believed our actual story. He would have spun this to make it look like we did it, just like he's trying to do with Genrette."

Charlotte hated to think that way, but JJ was right. As much as she just wanted them to tell Shoupe the whole truth, to clear their consciouses, she knew it was nothing but a shot in the foot to all of them. Shoupe didn't trust them, no one did. 

"Okay," Charlotte nodded, eyes straying toward the couch. "Okay, yeah. You're right." She felt her eyes straying toward the floor where she swore she could see traces of blood. She didn't even know where he was actually killed, but it was like she could sense the death in the room. She needed to get out of there. 

"Where's Cleo now?" She asked, tearing her eyes from the floor to look up at her best friend. 

JJ nodded his head toward the stairs. "Upstairs I think. She's pretty shook up."

Letting out a deep breath, Charlotte pushed her hair behind her ears. "Okay," she nodded again. "I'll go talk to her. You head out and let the others know what Shoupe wanted. I'm sure they're all freaking out."

"Okay," JJ agreed. "Good plan." He started toward the back door, pausing before he reached it. "It's gonna be okay, Charls. I promise."

She gave him as much of a smile she could muster in her anxious state. "Hope you're right, J."

He dipped his head before heading out to speak to the others, leaving Charlotte alone in the living room. She felt her eyes stray toward the couch again, a part of her was tempted to look behind it. The other part of her knew she'd never be able to unsee what was back there. 

"Get it together," she muttered to herself as she gave her head a small shake. Cleo needed someone, and Charlotte standing down there in an eternal battle with herself was no help. 

The stairs creaked as she climbed them, breaking through the silence that clung to the house. So as she walked into Pope and Cleo's room, she was sure that Cleo had to have heard her. But she didn't move at all. 

She sat on the floor at the end of the bed, her eyes locked on the wall in front of her. She looked absolutely gutted and that broke Charlotte's heart. 

"Hey," Charlotte said softly, moving across the room so she could take a seat next to Cleo. "Is it alright if I sit with you for a while?"

Cleo didn't look at Charlotte, but she gave her head a small nod. 

They sat in silence for a moment as Charlotte wracked her brain for the right thing to say. There were a million things that could have been said, but none of them would actually take away the heartbreak that Cleo was feeling. 

"I've never lost someone as close to me as Terrance was to you," She finally said, voice breaking across the quiet room. "So I can only begin to imagine how you must feel, but I just want you to know that we are here for you." She looked over at the other girl, watching as tears silently slid down her cheeks. "I know sorry doesn't do anything, but I am sorry, Cleo. I'm sorry you have to feel this pain right now."

Cleo's lip quivered. "He was the one person who looked out for me. Took care of me."

"And he did that until his dying breath." Charlotte reminded. "I know I didn't know him...but I can tell that he loved you, Cleo."

Finally looking over at Charlotte, Cleo's face told a story of sorrow. "I should have done more..."

"No," Charlotte instantly argued. "Don't even begin to think like that. Thinking like that takes you down an even darker path than you're on right now. Don't do that to yourself."

Cleo reached up to wipe her tears, giving Charlotte a small nod. "Charlotte?" She wondered, her voice teetering. 

"Yeah?"

More tears fell down Cleo's cheeks, replacing the ones she had just wiped away. "Can you sit with me for a bit?" 

Charlotte felt tears gather in her eyes at the sight of Cleo, one of the toughest people she had met, so heartbroken. "Of course," she assured, wrapping an arm around the other girl. "I'll be here as long as you need."

─☼☼☼─

Later that night as Charlotte lay in bed, her heart still hurt for Cleo and for Terrance. Her mind hurt with the jumbled thoughts of the last twelves hours. She'd woken up that morning with hopes of a peaceful day at the Break, but it had been anything but. 

As her mind ran through a replay of the day, it snagged on something. 

The journal. 

In everything that had happened since her and Rafe returned to Pogeulandia earlier that day, she'd forgotten all about it. 

Shooting out of bed, she hurried down the stairs as quietly as possible. Part of her was worried someone else might have found it lying on the sideboard where she had left it when she'd entered the house earlier. She felt physically ill at the thought of someone else reading Rafe's thoughts that were meant for her. 

Luckily, the leather-bound journal was sitting exactly where she had left it, untouched. 

Charlotte stared at it for a moment, knowing the minute she opened it everything she had thought for the past year would change. She'd been so desperate to know what was going on in Rafe's head, and this would give her all of the answers...so why was she so scared?

Letting out a quick exhale, Charlotte picked it up, and somehow it felt like it was a thousand pounds. How could something so small be the weight of the world?

With her whole body buzzing in anticipation, Charlotte wandered out to the deck. She couldn't be locked in a bedroom with all of the heavy thoughts and revelations she was about to read, she needed to be outside. As she sat down, blanket draped across her lap, Charlotte once again stared down at the book in her lap.

"Okay," she whispered to herself, voice teetering. "This is what you wanted."

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she opened to the first page. 

Her eyes scanned Rafe's writing, and already her heart ached. She pictured him writing every word, every thought. And somehow that destroyed her. 

The first entry was written close to a month after they broke up. The words on the page were written aggressively, full of emotion. Charlotte could tell by the deepness of each pen mark, by the smudges on the page as if something had been spilled on them...or as if someone had been crying overtop of the paper. 

With a lump already formed in her chest, Charlotte began to read. 

Lottie...my Lottie, 

I'm not really sure how to start something like this. I've never been good with writing, or with my words really. But I think I owe you an explanation...and since I can't bring myself to burden you directly, I thought something like this might work. 

It's been 21 days since y̶o̶u̶ l̶e̶f̶t̶ I pushed you out. These 21 days have been the worst days of my entire existence. Not because I feel bad for myself, but because of what I did to you. What I did to you has to be the biggest mistake I've ever made. I know we've been through this before, and I know I should have learned from my fuck ups...but I guess I'm that fucking stupid that I didn't. Everything I said to you was complete bullshit and I hope you know not a word of it was true. There's no excuse for it, I just...I think I just hated myself so damn much that I tried to push you away. I couldn't get rid of myself...so I got rid of you instead. If I could go back I would, I would give anything to go back to that moment and take back every single thing I said to you. 

I wanted to die when I woke up after the day you left...hell, there was part of me that thought it would just be easier if I did. But I knew I couldn't do that to you, because I knew you would have blamed yourself for everything. And knowing that you could feel any kind of hurt is the worst kind of pain I could ever imagine.

Never have I hated someone as much as I hate myself, Lottie. If anyone had ever dared to speak to you the way I did, I would have killed them. If anyone had ever hurt you the way I did, I would have destroyed them. You are the best and brightest thing that has ever happened to me. I never deserved you, and I don't know if I ever will. I know now that you deserve better than me. As much as it destroys me, I think the only way I can let you be happy is to leave you alone. 

There's no excuse for what I said to you, what I did. There never will be.

And I'm not really sure where to go from here. 

I love you, I'm sorry,

Your Rafe.

Charlotte didn't realize she was crying until her tears splashed onto the page, melding with the tears Rafe had left behind. 

She'd always imagined that he'd been cursing her name since the day she left him, she never once thought that he'd been so remorseful. Truthfully, it was easier to imagine he hated her, much less painful. Being faced with the truth that he was completely shattered only drove the knife in Charlotte's heart even deeper. 

She had been in so much pain after their breakup...but she'd convinced herself that he had never been happier. 

Using the sleeve of her hoodie to wipe her tears, Charlotte flipped to the next page. It was written two weeks later. 

Lottie...my Lottie, 

I started therapy today. She said that this journal was a good idea, that writing my thoughts down would help my healing...or whatever. I guess I can thank you for giving it to me all of those years ago. Do you remember that Christmas? I think it was one of my favorites. Actually, any Christmas I spent with you was my favorite. Any day I spent with you was. 

You know, I used to dream about what our Christmases would look like once we had kids of our own. I figured they would be amazing because of you. I know that you would have made it the most magical experience. Because that's just the kind of person you are, always there for everyone else, always worried about making sure everyone else is happy. I think the only reason I was ever happy was because of you. Sometimes I used to just look at you in awe. I couldn't ever believe that someone as perfect as you chose me. God, even the mention of your name could have me smiling ear to ear. 

My therapist says that you can't be the source of my happiness anymore, that I need to find it within myself. I think that's impossible. I don't think I can ever be happy without you. There is no happiness in a life without you. But I know that you can never be happy with me...so I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for yours. I would do it in every lifetime if I could. No matter how much it hurts.

I would do anything to see your smile again, Lottie. And it just kills me to know that I'm the one who took it away. 

I'm sorry, Lottie. 

I love you, 

Your Rafe.

There wasn't any point in wiping the tears anymore, because they just kept coming. 

Charlotte scanned the words again, a sense of hope flaring in her chest...he'd started therapy. That was one step closer than he'd ever been to actively seeking treatment. 

Her hand then dropped to her stomach as she reread his words about them having children. She'd always dreamed that her and Rafe could start a family, but even if they got back together now, could she ever have kids with him? Could she ever risk exposing her children to everything he had put her through?

Her chest felt like it was physically being tightened as she flipped the page once again.

It was two months later this time. 

Lottie...my Lottie,

I'm three months clean today. Three months closer to you. 

I told myself I wouldn't reach out until I could prove that it's for real this time. I told myself that if I can stay clean for a year that only then can I reach out to you. Only then can I plead for your forgiveness. I hope that I can prove to you that I am worthy of your love.

Nine more months, baby.

I heard that you actually moved back to Durham. I also heard that you and the Pogues bought a property. I'm happy for you...really. I just wished that I could be along with you for all of this. I know I don't deserve to be.

I sold Tannyhill. It was never meant to be our home and we both knew that. I couldn't stay there by myself. Every room made me think of you.

Our mornings in the kitchen, our dates in the theater room, my room where we first slept together, and where we'd lay talking for hours...if I could go back and relive every one of those moments I would. 

I've started taking work more seriously. I work in the office almost everyday, and I'm working toward my first deal. 

I bought a new house...it's by the water just like you always wanted. Maybe one day it'll be your home too...I hope it will. I think you'll love it.

I hope that you're doing well, Lottie. I really do. I hope that what I did to you didn't break you. I don't know if I could live with myself if it did. You deserve to thrive without me, you deserve everything in the entire world. I hope you know that. 

I love you and I miss you, 

Your Rafe.

There were a series of entries over the next three months, some of Rafe updating Charlotte on his life, a lot of him telling her how much he loves her. 

At six months, he wrote a simple entry. 

Lottie...my Lottie, 

Six more months, baby. 

I love you, 

Your Rafe. 

Charlotte could barely see through her tears as she read through the next six months of entries, by the time she reach twelve months, she felt like her entire heart from been ripped from her chest and ripped in half. 

The twelve month entry was written only a day prior. Only one day ago Rafe had sat down and written to Charlotte. 

Charlotte, 

Today marks twelve months. Twelve months of being clean. 

I know that I said if I could make it to twelve months I would fight for you, but I now know I can't come back into your life. 

I know that you have a new boyfriend, and I know that you're happy. I can't take that away from you, I won't. 

I've hurt you so much over the past six years, and I can't do that to you again. 

Letting you go might be the most painful thing I've ever done and will ever do, but if it means your happiness, then I would do it again and again, no matter how badly it hurts me. 

I hope one day we can find our way back to each other. I'll wait for you until you're ready. I would wait my entire life. 

There's no one else but you, there never will be anyone else. 

I hope your life is everything you ever wanted Charlotte, even if it means I'm not in it. 

I'll love you forever. 

Rafe. 

Charlotte dropped the journal into her lap, collapsing into her hands as sobs shook her body. 

He'd gotten clean for her. He'd finally done it. 

But instead of barging back into her life, he'd made the decision to let her be happy. 

She wondered if he knew she hadn't been happy over the past year...not in the slightest. 

She'd never be happy, not without him. Even when he was putting her through the hardest days, Charlotte knew that nothing or no one would ever fill her heart like Rafe Cameron did. Everyday for the past year, she'd wondered if she made a mistake, that if she had stayed with him maybe things would have gotten better. 

She knew now that her leaving was the best thing she had ever done for the two of them. But now, now she wondered if going back was going to be the worst thing. 

She didn't think she could last another day without Rafe Cameron, let alone another year.

He said he'd wait for her for a lifetime...but she didn't want to wait that long. 

─☼☼☼─