a week ago, I announced my leave on my side for an infinite amount of time

because today is a holiday for me and I know I owe most of you an explanation. some people freaked out after reading my harsh post (I wasn't feeling well at that time, sorry). I know some people who dmed me had already received the explanation of my leave, but I am going to elaborate on that further here

1. physical health

it's autumn and of course, my health will be getting worse during the cold weather. I have asthma and frequent stomachaches, as well as a weird, snake-like skin. because I spent at least 10 years healing asthma by eating a crazy amount of medicine, my body is extremely weak. the definition of weak? imagine yourself having a runny nose, sneezing during the mornings, usually having a sore throat as well. partly the reason I hate medicine and I am ashamed of making my family spending extra time taking care of me

I spent a lot of time in the hospital when I was little. I had a lot of injections so needles aren't one of the things that I am scared of

I will never ever eat ice cream again, the consequence of me eating ice cream is illness, it is hard to cope. I know it is kinda unrelated to the reason of me leaving wattpad, but sleeping at 12am every day in order to deal with everything on wattpad isn't going to work for a long term, especially I need to wake up at six every day

2. mental health

I know a lot of things about the others, but only three people know about me. my mental health is breaking later, not only because of stress. I am scared of too many things. I am scared, I am always alarmed and focus on everything

I can't help but worry, because I don't really want to endure. I mean, endure is the only way but yea... I can't trust anyone, not even my family. everything that I have told my mum ends up as weapons against me

I really don't know what's right and what's wrong. I can only trust myself, only I can heal my own wounds, only I can. I don't trust my mum, my grandma, everyone. I don't know whether what I have done on earth is creating more dramas on earth or not. I think I am useless, an attention seeker. I am even doubting myself all along. is having wattpad a good decision? is my existence a good decision? I heard too much that the words became to make me question myself. I don't know whether I am better than a slice of meat or not

I am a girl, not a boy. girls are worthless, according to my sexist grandpa

to be very honest, I am extremely scared of failing. I try my best in doing everything because I don't want to fail. in the two years, I don't even allow myself to make a mistake because it will cause me serious trouble and end up as me being scolded by the teacher just because I make a mistake

I want to say, every single chapter that I have posted in my books in wattpad take me at least one week to write because I want to make it perfect. I can't stand it if I just randomly write something without putting so much effort. I don't deserve you guys' support if I don't try my best, I feel sorry

same for Rewind. ask Ivyla, I keep changing and editing it for even the slightest bit because I want to make it perfect. but, I am afraid that I don't have the time to dwell in the smallest details

to be honest, it is so hard for me to decide whether giving up on perfection or not. I really don't know what to do, I feel sorry for what I have done if I just feed you guys nonsense in writings

yea, also, I have a lot of goals in my life. I don't think Wattpad should stop me from achieving them. I start to count the time that I have wasted on wattpad. I should have spent it on anything more meaningful

I have this kind of feelings because I want to prove to my family that I can do something good. they aren't paying for my school for nothing. I don't know. am I the secret villain all along that hurts the victim aka my mum? do I really hurt her by having mental problems?

I hid my mental problems. I know I have anxiety, but I never tell. my mum will freak out etc and that's the last thing I want her to do. also, I hide everything too well, too well

I am scared of everything. I am extremely reluctant to share them, so please don't push me to speak up. I don't think telling others will help, so please just let them be kept in my heart and don't push my limits

yea, I know I seem strong, but those who are strong are most likely weak inside, at least I am

3. wattpad

I don't really want to further explain on that, you know it yourself too

those are the reasons, will be off for a few weeks I guess. you can chat to me in discord, I sometimes do check it

bye for now. will be back