!! TRIGGER WARNING !!

I have been learning about bullying in my lessons lately. I did some extra research on the internet and realized that I have been socially bullied for about six years

for so long, I always thought I was an outcast because I was hard to get along with. I thought I was abandoned by my classmates because I had done something wrong, but I never asked them about what I had done. I never thought it was considered bullying when all your classmates just... isolated you and talked behind your back? and those who you did not even talk to started to hate you and mock you? I always told myself that everyone was experiencing the same thing as me, maybe to make myself feel more comfortable... also, I thought I was being dramatic. there wasn't a problem as it was normal for everyone, why would I make a fuss and get hurt because of it? but I doubted that I could keep that problem to myself. I knew I was hurting

I never told because I kinda knew what the response would be from my parents. they would tell me that I deserved them because of my sharp tone, and I tried to change myself but clearly failed. after the failure, I tended to stay away from people, since not knowing was clearly better than hatred

I always tried to shape myself as the bully, the btch that bullied the others and was willing to be alone. I was an extrovert, I really was. I usually just came over and said "hi" to a new friend, as well as sparking a conversation. but for an unknown reason, my friends decreased to a state that I started to be worried about myself. did I do something wrong? I got used to being the third-wheel, I got used to abandonment. when the other classmates waited for their friends, not a friend ever spared me a glance

don't mistake me, I did have friends. but they always tend to remember when they need me and throw me away when I need them. I get used to walking behind them when they talked, and I would always be the last to be chosen in group works (the reason I hate group works). I got used to it and decided to be strong and leave them

it didn't change after I went to another school, every school that I had entered. you probably thought that I could throw anything away without a care, but yea, I actually cared. I couldn't help but feel envious when friends were there for those while all I got were paper and pen. I did write in my diary until I discovered my grandma had been reading it. she kept scolding me for being so weak to a state that I was not willing to tell people that I was hurt

I always write fake emotions in that diary right now

I always thought about how my life would have changed if I actually had friends in real life. you guys are epic, but... it's just different I guess

I got a new friend in this new school. she... had a special connection to a state that I didn't know how to describe. both of us were the ones who had been thrown behind or valued less. that girl waited for me when I had to stay behind after class to clean the whiteboard... she even helped while all of my friends in the past just left me there... I hope I can truly find a friend, but yea, friendships in my life are... short

to be very honest, I have been thinking about whether I have victimized myself all along. am I wrong? I may be. I may be doing something wrong in the first place (well, I did do something that I regretted for the rest of my life, twice, but that was in between the social bullying). I tended to be aggressive in friendships because of how few friendships I actually had and my friend at that time would always be annoyed, eventually leaving me...

I still remember once in grade 7, a girl was jealous of me (she has been giving clear hints with her insults) and I did something extremely wrong to her. then, she whispered to the boy sitting next to me about how toxic and proud I was and warned him not to get along with me. the volume was loud enough for me to hear and the only reaction I gave was rolling my eyes. I imagined her doing this to anyone and yea, whatever I guess

that boy was extra kind to me though. he asked for my defense about the girl's comment and all I did was "you can choose whether to believe her or not, I will not defend myself". during the conflicts between me and the girl as well as the girl blaming me for her mistake in group works, I snapped back and the boy always supported me. I was having a public speaking exam while I forgot a whole lot of scripts. the girl giggled as she picked up my scripts and gave it a read. I screwed that assessment and when I went back, I told the boy, "I'm screwed. take a look at that script if you want to and you can see I have forgotten a whole paragraph."

the boy shook his head as I headed him the paper. I asked, "aren't you going to see it?" and he said no as he respected my privacy

like my new friend and this boy, I treasured the friendships between us a lot. it's just... rare and a gift if someone is kind to me. I am extremely grateful when someone does because that rarely happens in my life... I am so grateful when you guys actually defend me against the copier and actually bother to contact the copier and give them shts

I have no idea what else I can say to express my endless gratitude towards this small action <33

yea, I don't even know why I am typing this whole paragraph here...

[ ps. I have anxiety disorder and I will never tell my parents about this, I swear ]