I never want to let you down
Or have you go, it's better off this way
⁺ 𓂋 𓈒

"Is your mom home?" I ask as soon as Minho opens the door.

Minho furrows his brows and looks out to the driveway where his mom's car is gone. "Pretty sure she's gone" He looks back at me with a small smile, clueless on where my head was at until I push my lips to him.

Walking us both inside the house and he chuckles against my lips. Pulling away he says "I don't think I'll ever get used to this"

I shrugged and without thinking I said "You better start"

It was either shock that filled his eyes or happiness, I wasn't sure as a smug look found his face. He closes the front door and motions to his room "Race you there" He shouts before running up the stairs

I groan loudly "That's cheating!" I run up the stairs and to his room. I walk in to find him smiling at me while he sits on the edge of his bed. "You cheated"

My silver-haired friend rolls his eyes "You're a sore loser"

I close his door and walk closer to him "Or you could've given me a head start, I hate running"

He stares up at me "Your stamina is shit"

I hum and run my finger through his hair "No, I don't think it's that bad" I lock eyes with him.

He chuckles "Right," He says sarcastically.

"Wanna find out for yourself?" He grows serious and my hands drop from his hair as I stand in front of him "Aren't you curious?"

"Curious about what?"

"Me?" I said immediately "All of this"

Minho's eyes rank my body and he hums "I've always been" He looks me in the eyes and grabs my hand "But what if it isn't the right time? We don't have to rush any of this Ji"

"I know" I shake my head "But I—I want this" I start "I know you're scared to try anything and trust me I am too but I can't push this feeling away anymore"

Minho stands up and grabs my face into his hands, kissing me gently. His tongue roamed my mouth and pulled away, "Can we try it?"

Minho smirks "It?"

I groan, "Don't play dumb right now Minho" I look at him "I want to do this, for real"

His arms snake around me and he grabs a handful of my ass, making me push him away and land on his bed—laughing loudly.

"I'm being serious" I pout.

Minho props himself onto his elbows "I was too" The smug look never leaving his face "Dead serious sweetheart"

I look around "Oh"

Minho sits up again "This is why I think we should take things slow, whatever you want to call this" He shrugs "It's new for you and so I get that some things you are up for and other things still take time, I understand that"

I contemplate for a second before climbing onto him, surprising him. "I want to take things slow, but I also really want to do this"

He pushes my hair behind my ear "Then who am I to stop this" Minho says before kissing me more eagerly. He stood up easily, laying me on the bed as he now hovered over me. Pulling away and kissing my neck softly "Tell me how much you want me" He says against my skin"

My thoughts filled with pleasure as I felt his hands and lips on my skin, "I want you" We sit up and pull off our shirts, staring into each other's eyes "So fucking much"

He licks his lips "You always say what I need Ji" He leans to me and kisses me "Always" I lay back down and he kisses along my collarbone, my fingers running into his hair and he hums.

He sits up again and runs his hand down my torso with a small groan "You look amazing like this" I look down to the marks he had laid out on my body and I usually don't like this type of thing but right now it only made me more turned on. Or maybe it was because I knew Minho liked it.

I look up at him "Can we move this along before I grow extremely insecure and embarrassed?"

Minho pouts and leans down to me again, close to my lips he says "You know I never judge you" He kisses me "You're perfect Jisung, perfect" He stares me in the eyes and I swallow harshly.

He pulled away again and leaned to his nightstand, rummaging through it before he pulled out a bottle. I started feeling sick to my stomach, watching how easily accessible the bottle of lube was for him. My mind ran with all the different people he must've had in this bed, maybe even his special someone.

I wanted this, I still do but I needed my mind cleared.

I sit up and he looks at me, "Something wrong?" He asks.

"Who's the guy you've been with?" Minho lets out a nervous chuckle but makes no move to tell me, "Fine don't tell me just—just promise me that you won't mess with other people while we explore... this" I motioned between us. Still not sure what to call this thing between us.

"I haven't," He says immediately "I won't, I promise" My eyes go to the bottle and he chuckles again "And nobody has been in my bed Ji" I look at him nervously.

"I didn't—"

"But you were thinking it" I looked away, I didn't want to seem like the other people he'd been with upset me. It didn't, or it never did until I allowed myself to be intimate with him. "You're the only one, I'm not sleeping with anyone else"

"And you want me?" I look at him and ask.

"More than anything"

"Then show me"

I've always found Minho good-looking and attractive but never in this way. I never let myself think more of it, it felt simple. I would complement him briefly and I always saw how he would light up from them.

Things couldn't be that simple anymore. Not after feeling his lips on every inch of my body. I heard his whispers in my ear about how beautiful I looked. I liked this feeling, the butterflies that filled up in my stomach but I wasn't scared or uncomfortable.

It was something I searched for in so many other girls but who would've known it took one boy, my best friend to make me feel these things. The things I even searched for in drugs, even that never satisfied me in this way.

⚠️SEXUAL CONTENT⚠️

The feeling of his finger slipping into me, the discomfort mixed with his whispers of sweet nothings. The names of all the people he's been with escaping my mind as he kisses them away. I never felt like this.

He took his time and I appreciated that, but it didn't feel long before he pushed himself into me. Slowly, it filled me up with discomfort.

It's weird how discomfort could make you feel good. Watching the pleasure on Minho's face and how quickly my discomfort could turn into immense pleasure.

Pleasure. That's what I felt and that's what he felt.

Beautifully filling me up in a way I never experienced. This was new to me, all of this. Even in the field involving emotions. This felt emotional. Not just sex.

Minho always made me feel different. He treated me differently and was never afraid to put me in my place but also never was afraid to show me he cared. I mixed a lot of that with something simple. It always went back to that word, simple.

It was like a safe word for me. I blew things off and labeled them as simple.

I liked Maya but I didn't love her, simple.

I hated sport and anything to do with it, simple.

I was an outcast, simple.

Minho was my best friend but now he's more? Not so simple.

Simple like the way he would gaze at me throughout the day and the way he would shamelessly flirt with me without anyone being suspicious because that was Minho.

Now it felt suspicious. The small touches of our hands or our shoulders bumping as we walk through the hallways. The small jabs we took at each other in front of the others now led to a steamy make-out session in the locker room. But I didn't care.

Not when I got to witness this side of Minho. The one that had sweat beading down his face as his room grew hot. The sound of our skin meeting mixed with our groans

"Minho" I moan, knowing I looked a mess as he wrecked into me.

I didn't care what anyone would say about me, I just cared about this feeling. This sight.

Minho kissed my body, never losing sight of me. His hands roamed and groped my body and I never wanted to leave this room.

I knew once I stepped out of this house I would have to go back to reality and face the real world.

Without a warning, I release onto my stomach and Minho stops. Glaring at me "You didn't even wait for me" He says jokingly.

"Payback for cheating earlier" I bite back and he smirks, continuing to thrust into me and I moan loudly. Sensitive now.

He kisses me softly before groaning into the kiss, riding out both of our highs. Falling onto my chest with a sigh.

"I would appreciate you to at least pull out" I groan, feeling his hot sweaty body lay on top of my sticky one.

"I'm too tired" He mumbled, I grimaced and pushed him off—groaning at me as I tried to sit up but quickly hissing at the slight pain. This woke Minho up and he sat up "No, I'll get something to clean us up. Don't move"

I chuckled at his cuteness as he hurriedly took off the condom, put on shorts, and left the room. My eyes linger on the door, my mind falling into thought but he returns with a washcloth.

After we clean up, we lay in bed. Soaking up each other's time as much as we can before I leave.

"Can't you just sleep over?" Minho asked me, and both of us turned to face each other.

I smile softly "My mom wants to make it a habit to have dinner together, I want to remain on her good side"

Minho sighs and lays on his back "Fair"

I scoot closer to him and lean onto his chest, looking up at him "Things are really good at home now"

Minho looks at me and smiles "I like that"

I furrow my brows "Like what?"

He shrugs and inhales "That you're trying" He brushes my hair behind my ears "I found you that night" We both pause, tensing up on the topic that neither of us even dared to bring up since it happened. He inhaled sharply and pulled away, looking away from me "I don't want to see you like that again"

"You won't" I sit up and he looks at me with worry, I grab his hand. "I'm sorry" I apologize "I never—" I hesitated "I never meant for it to get that bad"

Minho sits up as well "I know" He looks down at our hands and runs his thumb across my knuckles. "But I should've been there, helped you"

I pull away and grab his face, forcing him to look at me "I'm okay now, let's not talk about it anymore"

Minho looks into my eyes "You'll tell me when things are bad again, wouldn't you?"

I nod "Of course" Minho leans on me and places a small kiss on my lips before pulling away and lying back down. "I-Um, I told my therapist about you"

Minho's brows raise "I'm upset she hasn't heard about me before. I assumed I was the topic of all of the conversations you had with her" He jokes.

"She's heard about you before," I said, "But I told her about, you know—this"

He nods slowly "Oh" He said "And?"

"And I realized that Im willing to explore my sexuality but..." I look down and sigh "I'm afraid of the coming out part"

He grabs my hand and I look at him "It's okay" He says softly "You can take your time with all of this, it's not like I'm going anywhere"

He always made me feel like I could take my time with anything in life. He made me feel seen and heard. He made me feel, everything.

⁺ 𓂋 𓈒

"Zach didn't think you would show" I looked to Nora who helped me set the table.

"Of course, he didn't, he doesn't believe that I'll get better"

Nora stops and looks at me "Talk to him"

I sigh and look up at him as she stands across from me "I can't do that" I shake my head "He doesn't care"

"He does!" She says loudly, looking around before looking back to me "He cares and he wants you better. We all want you better"

I look down "That's what I'm doing" I slowly look back to her "I'm trying and if he can't see that then I don't know what else—"

"Great, you're here" I look to Zachary who takes a seat at the table, our mom right behind him with dinner.

I look at Nora and she gives me hopeful eyes, I sigh and sit down as she does the same.

"Your father is running a little late but he said to go ahead and not wait for him" My mom starts playing with the food on our plates.

"He's been gone a lot" Nora points out.

"Work has been busy lately" Mom sits down and we look at her "We've all been busy" she smiles at Zachary, "Zach has good news to share"

"Mom"

"Please, this is a big moment"

All attention was now on Zachary, who nervously chuckled "I'm ending my gap year and studying abroad next semester"

The table went quiet for a moment "Isn't this good news? Let's celebrate!" My mom says happily.

Nora smiles widely "Of course, that's good news!" She says "Where at?"

"London"

My ear drowns out their voices as I watch the smiles on their face grow. They were so happy, I was too. I was happy for him, my older brother who I was once close to at one point. Or as close as siblings could get.

"Jisung?"

I look at my mom "London sounds great, don't you think?"

I nod and look to Zach "Yeah, heard it's beautiful there"

His gaze was sharp on me, "You weren't even listening"

I furrow my brows "What?" I said lowly "I was listening, I just didn't think you would care about what I said"

"I don't"

"Zachary!" My mom hisses, "Don't speak to your brother like that"

⚠️MENTIONS OF DRUG ABUSE/OD & NEGATIVE THOUGHTS⚠️

"Why?" He asks, looking at her "He didn't care much when he was filling his system with anything that could kill him, he didn't care about us or how we would feel about it, did he, Mom?"

"Stop it right now!" She yells "Why can't we just have a normal family dinner like we used to!"

"We aren't normal mom!" He yells back, "We are fucked and you want to know why?" He asks, "Because Jisung had us rushing to his room in the middle of the night after his best fucking friend found him!"

I didn't realize I was shaking but I was. My head was down and my mind was filled with memories of that night. The night that almost sent me away, either to death or to a mental hospital.

"Fuck off Zachary!" I heard Nora say "Back off already, can't you see that Jisung ain't the problem here anymore" She said, "It's you!"

"Bullshit" I stood up to his words and they all look at me. My hands shook and my mind raced and raced.

"Can I be excused?" I look at my mom and she lets out a soft sigh before nodding. I didn't waste time to leave the room, hearing their voice behind me as it continued. All because of me.

I went to my room, locking the door as it all got so loud. It used to be this loud but it's been quieter recently. Almost peaceful, but it's loud again. Making my head hurt as I sit on the floor against the door, head in my hands—pulling at my hair because I wanted it to stop.

I wasn't enough and I did wrong. I made my family the mess that it was. I almost died and Minho found me and now he can't forget about it, I did that to him. I hurt him. I hurt them.

It's my fault.
It's all my fault.

"Please" I let out a whine, "Help me" My throat hurt like I wanted to scream but I didn't. I couldn't.

I looked up and I was alone. In my room, again. Just like that night as the darkness swallowed me up. I looked at my phone that was on the desk for a second, I could call him. He could help, maybe.

Make me forget. I wanted to forget, I wanted to feel better.

My eyes leave my phone and go to my closet, I get up and walk to it. I opened it and grabbed the box at the top with my shaky hands and tears in my eyes.

I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't call him and ruin his night, he was so happy earlier. I don't want to ruin that.

I sit on the floor and open the box, looking at everything that I left inside. My mouth watered with the anticipation of the high it would bring, I knew this wouldn't fix my problems. Nothing will fix my problems. They will be there, day after day and when you feel like things are finally going good you get hit with a reality check that everyone around you will remember what you did.

It will always be there and you will just be stuck with trying. Trying and trying and never getting to the point where it's enough. There's always someone that unsatisfied, you will always be unsatisfied because you want it to be like the way things were before—it won't and that sucks.

So I didn't think about it, I just did it. I let it fill my system again because who was to not give them what they wanted? For me to fuck up again. That's what they all waited for. Me to relapse, to tell me "I told you so"

My head fell back and hit the closet door, staring at the ceiling as the voices distanced and I smiled a sad smile because I never won this war. They always did.

My phone rang on my desk, making me look at it light up. I stared at it ring and ring until it didn't. A few minutes later, it rang again and I watched it.

"I'm sorry" I whisper, knowing who it was.

[Now Playing - I'm Not Okay(I promise)
by My Chemical Romance ]

No, but genuinely, I'm sorry you all had to read that...

If you ever feel alone or need someone to talk to, my DMs are always open.

I am here, I will always be here.
I love you all
- Sierra