"Lydia said you weren't in class this morning." Malia spoke as her and Eli sat in class together. They'd managed to get their elective in the same period so they'd have at least one class together.

"I didn't hear my alarm." Eli shook his head, twisting his pen around his fingers as he looked down at the page. "Crazy dreams."

"About what?" Malia gave a questionable look, leaning on her elbow.

Eli cracked a grin her way. "Is this your way of getting out of school?"

"No." Malia defended herself quickly. "Bad dreams? A bunch of people on the lacrosse field again?"

"No." Eli cleared his throat with a shake of his head. "I don't really know exactly what was happening. I just kept seeing, like, tunnels."

"Tunnels?" Malia gave a questionable look.

"Yeah, but I wasn't walking. I was being carried." Eli met her eye, blinking with a shrug. "Totally weird."

"Totally weird." Malia agreed. "So, can I cheat off you?"

"S-" Eli began, stopping suddenly.

Malia looked at him oddly. "Eli?"

"Momma? Are you home?" Eli walked through the front door of his house, looking around. "I saw Dad-"

A woman. A young woman.

"Oh." she looked in a panic at the sight of him. "You-"

"Who are you?" Eli's eyes widened in panic, fear of someone he didn't know standing in his kitchen. He noticed his fathers shirt on her, it was one he'd picked out for him last father's day. Just thirteen then. They'd just moved to America, just two weeks ago.

"Eli, hey!" Jamie hurried down the hall when he saw his son, forcing a laugh. "Hey, kiddo. Hey, how was school?"

"Who's that?" Eli looked at the girl. She was early twenties, possibly mid. She was pretty. Very pretty. But why was she here? In his house? In his kitchen? Wearing his dads clothes?

"Oh, that's Rebecca. She's from work. Remember? At the dinner?" Jamie nodded his head. Eli was young, not stupid. He was thirteen, every thirteen year old knew about cheating. The lack of pants, in his home, knowing his mom was not there.

Eli walked away, going to his room after giving his dad a look of disbelief.

Jamie was there again, standing infront of him. Why was time moving so fast? Why was he in class and then suddenly back in his thirteen year old selves body?

"I know that you probably think really bad about me right now." Jamie spoke, sitting down in Eli's bed with him. Not all of his bags were even unpacked yet, still a few scattered in the closet. "But I want you to know that it was just one time."

Eli looked over in disbelief. His hair was shorter back then, pushed to the right rather then down the middle like it was now. "And that makes it okay?"

"No." Jamie shook his head, staring over at him. "But it will never happen again."

"Does Mom know?" Eli asked him, a sadness in his tone.

"She doesn't. I don't want to upset her either for one mistake." the older man looked at his son. "Don't you agree?"

Why did he agree? Why was he so stupid?

"I don't want to see her upset." Eli shook his head, looking at his dad. "Promise it won't happen again?"

"Promise." Jamie grinned, reaching his pinkie out as a minor smile went across Eli's face, latching his pinkie onto his.

Fourteen. He had just turned fourteen a week ago. It was barley a year after what happened, barley even feeling that long. Yelling was heard, waking him up. He was dreaming so well before, dreaming of meeting friends, of sitting out on the front lawn together. Then the yelling. Then a crash. Fourteen year old Eli got out of bed, his legs sore of recent growing pains he'd developed.

"She's barely older then our son!" it was Adeline. It was clear it had been her voice, but she was crying, and her voice was scratchy.

"It was just one time!" Jamie said. Eli had heard that before. A year ago. A year that was just easy for his dad to hid it while he kept his mouth shut.

"Leave! Get out!" her strawberry blonde hair was pulled up, sweating and red in the face from yelling so much. A plant was broken on the floor, the potting soil spread across the newly laid wooden floors. The wooden floors Jamie loved so much. Wooden floors that Eli slipped on a number of times.

The door slammed, his body jolted. His dad was gone, the headlights in the driveway shining through the living room window. Eli looked at the back of his mom, she'd been leaned over and sobbing.

"Mom?" Eli asked. His voice was small, gentle, innocent.

Adeline turned to him. She never was the weepy type, always so tough, always so strong for him. He often wondered why he was so emotional when he had such a tough mom. She stared at him. The stare, it made him want to die. She seemed betrayed, pained, like when she looked at him she just felt eternal pain. "You knew?"

He knew for a year.

Eli blinked, the amount of guilt that hit him was horrible. He was old enough, he wasn't manipulated by his dad, he could have easily told her. But he didn't. He didn't because he didn't want her to hurt. But that hurt, a year ago, wouldn't have hurt nearly as bad as it did now. Adeline wouldn't have been in nearly so much pain if she'd known her husband slept with his receptionist just once, and then her son told her after. No, it hurt a hundred times worse because Jamie had been cheating on her for an entire year, and her son knew the first time it happened, yet didn't say anything.

Why was he silent? Say something. Anything. "I'm-"

Then he stopped, red in the face, eyes watery. Guilt was worse then anxiety. Anxiety sat on your chest, it made you gasp for air, it made you feel like you were on fire. But before long, you could get rid of it for a while, there was a way to calm yourself down and find your safe space.

Guilt wasn't like that.

Guilt filled your body, but it never left. If you hadn't been distracted long enough, it would creep up on you. The second you were alone with your own thoughts, it over powered you. It ate you from the inside out, no matter what you said to make it better, no matter what you did to try and fix it. Guilt never left.

Adeline walked back to her room.

"Hey, hey, hey." Malia grasped Eli's face, managing to drag him away and to the locker room. No one was in there and she saved him from the embarrassment of having an anxiety attack in the middle of class. Eli sat on the bench, coming back from the horribly memory he felt like he was trapped in. Malia kneeled down infront of him, his head in his hands. "Eli."

"Stop." he begged her, his voice was weak, like he wanted to cry but was holding back. "Stop."

"Just breath." she grabbed his hands, pulling them from his eyes. She brought his hand to his heart, knowing how he handled himself now. Eli rubbed his chest as Malia nodded. "Is your medicine still in your locker?"

Eli nodded his head, blowing a large breath as he shut his eyes. It was hot, this part was anxiety and guilt all at once. His heart was still pumping fast, rubbing gentle circles and trying to find the empty lacrosse field. Malia was back, putting the white pill in his hands. It was from the orange bottle in her hand, the one with his full name, birthday, and address, the one he had prescribed from a doctor year ago if he had an attack. He'd gotten pretty good at dry swallowing now, barley phased when he did it again.

"Okay." Malia placed her hands on his legs. "You're fine. You're okay. No one's around but me."

Eli nodded his head, leaning over and dropping his head onto her neck. Malia rubbed his back. "I think I had my memory. Like you had."

Malia pulled back to look at him. Eli's eyes were shut, squeezed tight. Malia held his face, his eyes opened again, nodding. "You're here. You're no where else but here."

He was here. He was here with her.

•

kylie speaks

told y'all this chapter
would be better then the
last.