𝐊𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐝𝐚𝐦, 𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟐

Being free again was odd to Juniper. She no longer woke to the sounds of metal clanking at her door at the crack of dawn, instead she woke with the sun.

When she worked, she wasn't cleaning animal cells and dried blood, instead, she sat at her old desk and wrote out plans, either going over old ones to see what went wrong or creating new ones.

Juniper's eyes flashed along her desk, moving a few papers around with her gloved hands until she found the one she was looking for and retrieved it. Kol sat across from her on the couch and silently watched her work.

He hadn't taken his eyes off of her since they brought her back to the Slat two days prior. He hadn't left her side either.

"You don't have to stay with me," She spoke, unable to meet his eyes. "You could go back to Mystic Falls."

Kol stood from his seated position before standing by her desk, his leg hitting the wooden edge. "I'm not going back. Not unless you are by my side."

"This is going to get messy soon," She warned, already starting to feel the effects of withdrawal.

He knelt in front of her, his hand moving to her knee only for her to flinch away. "I'm sorry," She whispered but he shook his head, moving his hand back to his side. "It's okay, darling."

They sat in silence, Juniper joining him on the floor behind her desk. Her hand inched towards his, sitting just centimetres away, close enough that she could feel the warmth that radiated from his skin.

Two of the deadliest people the world had to offer and they could barely touch each other without one of them keeling over. But they'd tried. She'd tried. Maybe they could try again.

A foolish wish, the sentimental hope of a girl who hadn't had the firsts of her life stolen, who hadn't ever met Pekka Rollins, who wasn't covered in wounds and wanted by the law.

Centuries before, she would have laughed at her optimism. But she wasn't that girl anymore. She never would be.

"When I got daggered," he started his voice below a whisper. "And I saw you fall– I don't think I've ever felt fear like that. I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if they were going to kill you and I couldn't move."

His eyes glanced at the side of her face. "I tried to get to you. I really did. But the ash... I couldn't fight it. I'm so sorry, Juniper."

Her eyes met his, tears pooling at her waterline. "I'm sorry, too." A soft smile spread on her lips, "I guess we both broke our promises."

Kol nodded. "I won't break it this time. Even if I can't touch you and I have to smother you in blankets near multiple fires. I will keep you warm, Juniper Rietveld."

The tear fell from her eye. All she wanted was to hold him in her arms and tell him everything would be okay. But she couldn't. She couldn't even think about touching him without feeling like she was going to faint.

"And I'll keep you safe, Kol Mikaelson."

𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐕𝐞𝐢𝐥, 𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟑

Even three months later and Juniper was still trying to purge the parem from her body, caught in the haze of suffering that had begun on the voyage from Hellgate. She told herself to be grateful for the memory of that misery, every shaking, aching, vomiting minute of it.

The shame of Kol witnessing it all, holding back her hair, dabbing her brow, restraining her as gently as he could as she argued, cajoled, screamed at him for more parem.

She made herself remember every terrible thing she'd said, every wild pleasure offered, each insult or accusation she'd hurled at him.

You enjoy watching me suffer. You want me to beg, don't you? How long have you been waiting to see me like this? Stop punishing me, Kol. Help me. Be good to me and I'll be good to you. He'd absorbed it all in stoic silence.

She clutched tight to those memories. She needed them as vivid and bright and cringe-inducing as possible to fight her hunger for the drug. She never wanted to be like that again.

Now, she looked at Kol, both sitting on the edge of the harbour. His hair came in thick and honey-like, short enough that it just reached his ears.

She loved the sight of him, and she hated it too. Because he wouldn't give her what she wanted. Because he knew how badly she needed it.

After they had settled in Black Veil, hiding out from Hellgate, Juniper had managed to last three days before she'd broken down and gone to Inej to ask her for the dose of parem she had given here before. A small one. Just a taste of it, something to ease this relentless need.

The sweats were gone, the bouts of fever. She could walk and talk, and listen to Kol speak of his idiotic family as he tried to distract her. But even as she went about her business for the club, drank the cups of broth and tea heaped with sugar that Kol set before her, the need was there, a ceaseless, serrated sawing at her nerves, back and forth, minute to minute.

She hadn't made a conscious decision to ask Inej when she'd sat down beside her. She'd spoken to her softly in Suli, listened to her complain about how she had lost one of her knives.

And then the words were out of her mouth: "Do you have any more?"

She didn't bother to ask what she meant. "I gave it all to Kol."

"I see," she'd said. "That's probably for the best." She'd smiled. Inej smiled back. Juniper wanted to claw her face to shreds. Because she couldn't possibly go to Kol. Ever. And for all she knew, he'd thrown whatever supply of the drug Inej had into the sea.

The thought filled her with so much panic that she'd had to race outside and vomit the spare contents of her stomach in front of one of the ruined mausoleums.

She'd covered the mess with dirt, then found a quiet place to sit beneath a trellis of ivy and wept in jags of unsteady tears.

"You're all a bunch of useless skivs," she'd said to the silent graves. They didn't seem to care. And yet somehow the stillness of Black Veil comforted her, quieted her. She couldn't explain why.

The places of the dead had never held solace for her before. She rested for a while, dried her tears, and when she knew she wouldn't give herself away with blotchy skin and watery eyes, she'd made her way back to the others.

You survived the worst of it, she had told herself. The parem is out of reach, and now you can stop thinking about it. And she'd managed for a while.

Then last night, when she'd been preparing to go on her first heist since getting back, she'd made the mistake of using her power. Even with all the weapons she had hidden on her body, the makeup painted on her face or the corset she wore, she hadn't quite felt up to the role of seductress.

So she'd found a looking glass inside Club Cumulus and attempted to tailor the circles beneath her eyes. It was the first time she'd tried to use her power since her recovery.

She'd broken into a sweat from the effort, and as soon as the bruised colour faded, the hunger for parem hit, a swift, hard kick to her chest. She'd bent double, clutching the sink, her mind filled with breakneck thoughts of how she could get away, who might have a supply, what she could trade.

She'd forced herself to think of the shame on the boat, the future she might be able to make with Kol.

Somehow, she had pulled herself together. She splashed water on her face, pinched her cheeks to pinkness. She still looked haggard, but with resolution, she'd hitched up her corset and flashed the brightest smile she could muster.

Do this right and they won't be looking at your face, Juniper had told herself, and she'd sailed out the doors to snag herself a pigeon.

But once the job was done, when the information they needed was secured, and everyone had fallen asleep, she'd dug through Kol's few belongings, through the pockets of his clothes, her frustration growing with every passing second.

She hated him. She hated Inej. She hated this stupid city. Disgusted with herself, she'd slipped beneath his blankets.

Kol always slept with his back to a wall, a habit from his days as a human. She'd let her hands wander, seeking his pockets, trying to feel along the linings of his trousers. She couldn't even feel the water rise to her chest as she touched his skin, the need for parem so strong it filled her every sense.

"Juniper?" he'd asked sleepily. "I'm cold," she said, her hands continuing their search. She pressed a kiss to his neck, then below his ear. She'd never let herself kiss him this way since before. She'd never had the chance nor the confidence in herself.

She's been too busy running the Crow Club, washing away the trauma of Hellgate and the water, and once she'd taken the parem... It was all she could think of, even now.

The desire she felt was for the drug, not for the body she felt shift beneath her hands. She didn't kiss his lips, though. She wouldn't let parem take that from her too.

He'd groaned slightly. "The others—"

"Everyone is asleep." Then he'd seized her hands. "Stop."

"Kol—"

"I don't have it." She yanked herself free, shame crawling over her skin like fire over a forest floor. "Then who does?" she hissed.

"Matthias." She stilled. "Are you going to creep into his bed?" Juniper released a huff of disbelief.

"He'd punch my throat." She wanted to scream her helplessness. There would be no bargaining with Matthias.

She couldn't bully him the way she might have bullied Jesper or plead with him the way she might have managed Inej.

Fatigue came on suddenly, a yoke at her neck, the exhaustion at least tempering her frantic need. She rested her forehead against Kol's chest. "I hate this," she said. "I hate you a little, vampire."

"I'm used to it. Come here." He'd wrapped his arms around her and gotten her talking about Ravka, about Kaz and Wylan. He'd distracted her with stories, named the plants that grew across his home land, told her of his first home with his siblings.

At some point, she must have drifted off, because the next thing she knew, she was burrowing her way out of a heavy, dreamless sleep, woken by the sound of the tomb door slamming open. Her eyes opened, head slowly moving off of Kol's chest only to see Kaz walk in.

Her eyes widened, not noticing Kol disappear from underneath her as she watched her brother walk further inside the tomb before he was kneeling in front of her. She felt his gloved hand on her cheek, thumb rubbing along her cheekbone and she closed her eyes.

"Why'd you leave me?" She whimpered, leaning into his touch.

He stared at her. "I'm sorry, little Juniper. I had to. I couldn't let you die. Not like him."

"Why'd you have to go?" Her lips twitched downwards as tears bloomed in her eyes. Tears welled up in his own as he stared at his sister. "I wasn't going to let them hurt you."

He glanced down as he heard Kol start to wake him. "I should go now, little Juniper. Stay strong for us?"

The blue-eyed girl nodded slowly, holding his hand to her cheek. "I don't want you to leave again. I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired, Kaz."

She felt a hand on her shoulder and her eyes met Wylan's soft brown ones. A tear dripped down her cheek, passing her lips before it fell onto the ground.

"You need to keep going, Juniper. You have to," He told her, his finger coming up to wipe away the stray tear that rested in the curve of her nose.

"I can't live without you anymore," She choked out as they moved to hold her.

Maybe it was the drug withdrawal or the sleep deprivation, but she could feel them holding her, she could touch them with her hand and feel their soft skin beneath her rough fingertips.

"You have to, little sister. Please keep going," they whispered, Kaz, holding her to his chest as Wylan held her hands in his lap.

And when she woke up for the second time that night, it was Kol who held her to his chest, his hands holding hers tightly as he slept peacefully. She could still feel her brothers soft touches, Kaz's hand on her cheek and Wylan's on her wrists, and for once, even without the drugs, she didn't feel the water rising up through her body.

All she could feel was the warmth of their touch on her skin.

𝐊𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐝𝐚𝐦, 𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟑

Another month passed and the parem had slowly made its way out of her system, leaving only the remnants of its power.

After the first three months, they moved back to Ketterdam. Juniper was no longer thought of as a fugitive thanks to Kol. He had paid off whatever the prison wanted in exchange for her freedom. Not that he minded, he used Klaus' credit card for most of it.

"Compensation," he told Juniper, "for all that he's done to us."

Juniper smiled when he said that. "You're spending far too much time with me," she responded.

He laughed, a strand of his hair falling over his eyes. "That's the laugh," she murmured.

Kol glanced down at her and she brushed the hair out of his eyes with her gloved finger. "What laugh?" He questioned as her finger left after hovering for a few seconds.

That was the furthest they had touched since the parem left her system. Just the little touches, moving hair out of the others face, holding pinkies, sleeping in the same bed with a wall of pillows between them.

Juniper didn't sleep though, not heavily at least. Call her paranoid but something felt wrong, like gravity had shifted and left the world feeling uneven as it held its occupants on an unknown tilt.

So, instead of dwelling on the feelings of uncertainty and guilt, she roamed the dark streets of Ketterdam, just as she did since they arrived back in the lively city.

She walked through empty streets, back alleys, breaking into shops only to go through the back door, occasionally nabbing a few loaves of bread. She was still a thief at heart.

Kol found her hours later after waking up alone for the fifth time that week. He knew where to go, it was the same place every night.

He found her on the East end of the Lid, sitting alone on the concrete edge near a wooden ladder that looked as though it were centuries old. Her head was turned down, watching as the water swayed, rocking against the bottom of the pylon.

Her knees were brought securely to her chest, her free hand holding the ground to her right, searching for him even though she knew he wasn't there.

Kol slowly approached her, his footsteps loud enough to tell her he was with her. Juniper didn't react when he sat next to her, his feet swinging over the water as their knees brushed against each other for a split second.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked, breaking the silence.

She nodded silently, more focused on the sounds of the water softly hitting the pylon below them before it bounced back into the sea. Her eyes left the water and moved further out into the open ocean where a barge floated.

The barge was empty, made of rotting wood and was only held up by what Juniper assumed to be the saints as a way to torment her.

Juniper's hand reached for Kol's. She wasn't wearing her gloves this time, she hadn't put them on in her sleepy daze when she woke up that morning. He let her do the work, keeping his hand so still that it almost hurt as her hand inched towards his.

She held her breath, he could hear it, the sounds of her lungs closing as she pursued her lips. And then, her pinky latched to his.

The touch was still, her finger resting on his. He still didn't move, this was the closest he had gotten to actually feeling her skin beneath his hand in a century.

Her pinky left his for a moment, a harsh breath escaping her lips as she felt the squishy skin again. As her breaths calmed, she tried again, this time hooking her pinky with his.

"I'm really sorry," She whispered, keeping her breaths steady as she touched his warm skin.

"For what, darling?" He asked, his pinky holding onto hers loosely so she could pull away at any moment.

"For this," she gestured to their hands that were barely touching. "We've waited another century and I can barely touch you. I know this isn't exactly what you thought it'd be when you said you wanted to marry me."

He looked at her. "Do you think I regret my decision?" She didn't meet his eyes, she couldn't. "I think you should. I'm not... I'm not a good person, Kol."

"Well, neither am I. I used to kill entire villages just for the hell of it, Juniper. I would slaughter entire families just to get an ounce of attention from my siblings. What you have done– I know I don't know all of it, but from what I do know, you did it for a reason. Everything you have done has been calculated and thought through."

He paused, his free hand hovering over her cheek as he brushed away a strand of hair that had blown away from her ear. "Everything I have done, Juniper, was for fun. I did it for greed and power."

"I ripped out your brother's eye with my hand. I think that makes me a bad person."

He smiled widely, "You did that? Which brother?"

Juniper chuckled softly as she shook her head at his excited reaction. "Klaus."

Kol's smile didn't falter, instead, it widened. "You should do that again. Maybe video it. We could watch it every Friday or something as a warning."

She continued to laugh and he smiled. "What other ways could we torment him? Force him to watch old Disney movies every night?"

"I think he watches those already," She joked, earning a chuckle from the man beside her. "He definitely does. Maybe he's trying to impersonate Cruella, you know, with his fetish for dogs."

His hand slipped into his pocket and retrieved an item from it as she laughed. "How do you know so much about Disney movies?" She asked.

He held a hand to his chest, "What can I say? They're a secret pleasure of mine, just like yourself."

Juniper bit her lip, holding it between her teeth as she stared at him. She glanced down at his hand, noticing the item he was holding. "I saw it in your drawer," He murmured.

Her lip curved into a soft smile as she stared down at his hands, one with a ring on his finger, the other still attached to her own. "You still want this? Even after me telling you you were a stupid fuck face?"

He chuckled softly as he placed the rosy ring on her finger. "Even after that. Though, I do think I'll have nightmares of that night for a few more weeks."

Her shoulder bumped against his, resting against his clothed skin.

They stayed like that for hours. Sitting in the abandoned harbour, watching as the waves crashed against the shore and as the sun rose along the horizon until she spoke once more. "Pekka Rollins is still alive... I want him dead."

"Then he will be."