Look at me, i'm alone, sitting here, staying home
All of my self control kinda got difficult
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I don't do jealousy. Or I've never done jealousy. Mostly because I never felt jealous of anyone. In simple things yes. Over someone else no.

But I felt it now. In full force, I watch Minho and Krystal study at the corner table of the coffee shop. He didn't seem affected at all by our agreement to be friends but I shouldn't either. I don't but I see now, I'm aware of how much seeing him with someone else annoyed me.

Reminding myself that Minho was a nice guy, he was friendly to everyone and even that pissed me off. Some people don't deserve his kindness. I sure as hell don't.

I look away and towards Hyunjin who walks into the coffee shop, eyes set on me. My gaze hardens "I'm working" I state the obvious.

Hyunjin forces a small smile "I would've apologized over the phone because I know you'd rather not see me but you blocked me"

"Did I?" I act oblivious, making him sigh lowly, "I don't want to fight with you Hyunjin, I never did"

Hyunjin's lips form into a thin line before he says "I loved you" he continues to remind me.

My brows push together, "So why are you punishing me for it?" I ask him, honestly. "Why punish me for not loving you back?"

Hyunjin looks at me like I punched him, shaking his head "Fuck, I'm sorry Ji... for everything. Truly, I've been a shit person"

"I'm over it" My eyes wander to Minho who laughs at something Krystal says, I swallow harshly and look to Hyunjin "You should be too"

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

My shoulders felt heavy, my head throbbed and I knew I was over everything.

I walk into my room, the apartment is quiet. Sitting on the cold floor because for some reason it brought me some weird sense of comfort. I laid on my back and I felt it all rushing to the surface.

I don't get what I want. When I was young all I wanted was my dad. I figured that would never happen so I wished for something that felt reachable, I wanted my mom's attention and time but even that was out of reach for me.

They tears well up in my eyes and soon they fall down the sides of my face and into my ears. I hate the feeling but I don't move because they continue as I think of things I can never have.

Darkness surrounds me, literally and figuratively. Yet, I felt nothing in this moment, just heaviness.

In moments like these, where the walls feel like they are caving in I felt as if I should have someone with me. Someone I can confide in. For the first time, I became all too aware of my loneliness.

I've always known it and felt it but I brushed it off and acted as if it was no big deal but I recently I felt what it was like to have someone who showed care and didn't leave me when I felt like this.

My lucky star.

I wasn't so lucky. I was pathetic to think I could at least get that but that's not how this works. Life doesn't want me to have a lucky star, life doesn't want me to have a dad who was there or a mom who cared.

Life wanted me to only have me. I don't even think I have that. I don't feel grounded, I feel lost.

[Song rec - Best by Gracie Abrams]