I know i'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I enjoy my own company. There was a moment in my life when I did surround myself with a group of people to feel less lonely but ironically it made me feel more alone.

I was good on my own and I understood more now why my mom would tell me that there is nothing better than independence. It's less stressful and easier to maintain.

I've never been one to surround myself with negative people, really. It's draining and depressing. However, social media was my kryptonite. It's knowingly a negative space and I've fallen victim to it because where else would I internet stalk people?

Today's victim, my new roommate. Who so happened to be best friends with the guy I used to... not date but, how do I put this, sleep with?

Minho, I was never friends with him personally. Hyunjin had this posse, we hung out around them occasionally but I never got close to any of them. Minho wasn't always around, which now makes sense because when I was with Hyunjin's friends it was typically at some random frat party—I didn't see Minho attend much of those, possibly keeping up his good image but now and then he would join his friends.

In those times we didn't speak much, I barely held any sort of conversation with any of them but still, I did start to slowly consider them as my friends because they were always inviting when it came to whatever was going on with Hyunjin and I— I had no idea what Hyunjin was telling them the whole time we were sleeping around. He has this reputation of being a relationship guy, he was in this year long relationship with some other guy who moved away and so when we started seeing each other he made it seem like that's all it was, sex.

He had just gotten out of a serious relationship and physically needed someone. I understood that. We both understood that it was nothing more than some fun.

But without notice, we became considerably closer through the months and I continuously pushed back the feeling of it getting more serious. It felt weirdly good to be around him. In hopes that maybe we could just be friends with benefits, no strings attached sort of ordeal. One day he randomly sprung on me that he was starting to gain feelings, in typical me fashion, I ran from it. Told him I don't do relationships, I never have.

Back to Minho, he was possibly the kindest one out of the group. When he did attend the frat parties with us, he would check in on me when Hyunjin left to play beer pong—keeping me company over small talk. He always had this gentle voice that made me pull away because no doubt anyone could get lost in it.

He was just nice. That's really all I could've ever said about him. So, when things ended with Hyunjin and me a part of me thought Minho would've had my back but now I knew that was stupid of me to think.

Hyunjin is his best friend. From what I remember Hyunjin telling me, they moved here together. Met freshman year of high school and been friends ever since. Why would he choose some random guy over his friend? Maybe I was just delusional to think Minho saw the best in everyone. I had no reason to be hurt about it.

Just like I have no reason to feel envy when scrolling through Minho's social media. I stumbled upon a familiar picture. The flash is bright and shows how evidently drunk everyone is as they cling to each other with bright smiles. I could practically hear the laughter and loud voices over the music that played.

My eyes go to myself in the picture, a smile as large as the one my mom had of me when she had taken me to the aquarium for the first time. This time I was at a frat party with a group of people who would only later hurt me.

Hyunjin's arm was slung over my shoulder, bringing me close as he placed a kiss on the crown of my head. I swallow harshly as I feel the guilt creep in. Truthfully I never wanted to hurt him but I can't change the way I am and I don't think that it's something I have to continuously apologize for.

Before clicking out of the picture, I allow my eyes to go to Minho. His smile was just as large, hair a mess because just a moment before taking the picture he was dancing around with Krystal and Hyunjin which made him stumble over his feet drunkenly making the rest of us laugh. He is a happy guy, he seems to just put everyone around him in a good mood.

With the sound of the door, I slide out of the app and look up to watch Jeongin and Minho walk in. My brows furrow with how close the two have been getting, I've always known they were friends but Minho was friends with literally everyone.

"Good, you're home," Jeongin says to me, both of them walking into the living area and now I look to where Minho places a bag of seemingly Chinese takeout on the coffee table.

"Chow mein, right?" I meet Minho's gaze.

I nod and sit up from my comfortable position on the couch, "Yeah, thank you" I scoot off the couch and onto the floor, leaning my back on the couch after taking the food.

"I told him it's what you usually get but he kept being hesitant" Jeongin rolls his eyes playfully, sitting around the coffee table as well.

Some people are put together and don't eat in the living room but everyone who lives in this apartment is a mess so using the coffee table as a place to eat while watching a random movie or raunchy reality show just hits so much harder than eating on the island staring into the kitchen.

Minho joins us on the floor as we start to eat, everyone's attention on the Harry Potter movie that I had on prior. I remember growing up and reading the books to occupy my time and like usual the movies also became a sort of comfort for me, especially as the weather started to get more cool with the change in season.

The three of us seemed to get sucked into the movie as we finished eating and just watched in silence, a few comments were made here and there but we stood on the floor and watched before the ending credits started to roll.

Jeongin gets up and stretches with a loud groan, rubbing his stomach before saying "I'm off to shower now" He tells us "Don't have too much fun without me or I'm kicking Minho out"

Minho scoffs "Giving me a place to stay just to kick me out is ruthless"

Jeongin shrugs and walks to his room "And so is leaving me out" He says before leaving the two of us.

I grabbed the remote and started to play the next movie, I fought the need to look at Minho as he sat with his back against the couch just like I had been.

"Thank you," I tell him again, giving in and looking at him.

He chuckles lowly, "You already thanked me" He gives me a cheeky smile and I inhale deeply.

"You didn't have to get me anything, but you did and I appreciate it" I look away awkwardly. I felt awkward but he felt comfortable. He felt easy to be around, yet I couldn't seem to get my shit together.

"I wouldn't have left you hungry while Jeongin and I ate, that's cruel," He says to me and I nod slowly, "You're welcome" He finally tells me. The movie sounds through the living room and instead of us just watching it in silence like before, Minho seems to be in a talking mood as he asks "What's your favorite season?"

I look at him curiously "My favorite season?" I questioned him, in a way that I didn't understand why he had asked that. It was a cliche question but made me want to get up and go to my room with how it felt unusually personal.

Minho smiled and let out a small breathy laugh, one that would make anyone dizzy. "Yeah," He says, licking over his dry lips "Mine is summer, mostly because the cold makes my sleeping habits worse"

My brows push together "It seemed like the cold would make you sleep better?" I wondered and he hummed with a small head shake. I look away and to the tv before saying "Autumn"

He was silent for a second, sending me to look at him. I look over his smug face and I roll my eyes because I understood that look. He was happy I gave in.

"Is there a reason or are you like all the other typical autumn lovers?"

I glare at him and cross my arms over my chest "What is that supposed to mean?" Minho smiles and shrugs, making me groan lowly.

I may have played it off like I was irritated but deep down I wasn't. I could feel how genuine he was being and I didn't like it one bit but he was just being nice.

I hesitated for a moment, his eyes on me still as I allowed myself to say "In a way, it's like New Year's but for nature" I waited for him to laugh and make jokes about how stupid that sounded but he didn't. Instead, he turns to me, his elbow leaning onto the couch as he rests his head in his palm comfortably. "The falling of the leaves and the dying of the grass and all the plants with it, it's like a new beginning" I finish and he lets my words soak in as he stares at me like he genuinely cares about how I see the world.

I didn't feel judged and he didn't make me feel like my words were useless. It all felt comfortable, like I was sitting with a friend and we were just hanging out after eating dinner together while watching my favorite movie... I looked away when it all started feeling real. For some reason, he now felt too close to me even when he hadn't moved an inch since sitting on the floor to eat.

I stand up and avoid his eyes "I forgot I have a test tomorrow, I forgot to study" I walk away but stop, looking over my shoulder to Minho who looks at me, confusion on his face "Thank you again" This makes his confusion drop into a small smile.

[Song rec - Unloveable by The Smith (2017 Master) ]

And so the start of a new book begins...

If you don't have me on insta, I had recently said that this book isn't going to be that long.

I also want this book to be a fun little cozy read, nothing too crazy.