╔═════*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═════╗

but if you want to leave you
can. i'll remember you though.
i remember everyone that leaves

──● lilo
LILO & STITCH

╚═════*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═════╝

✦

Junpei still can't breathe.

At least, he doesn't feel like he can. His chest felt tight and heavy, and he just knows if one more thing happens he's going to shatter with the fragility of glass against concrete. He's scared right now, and there's that burning feeling in his stomach, like there always is when he faces a problem.

Run.

He's glad his race starts early, because it's long distance, so many of the spectators aren't there yet, especially because his race started before the listed time. Hazy morning skies scattered sundrops of light around them, and Junpei did his best to breathe in slowly, stretching his legs. Ruth was beside him, doing the same. She wasn't running yet, but she'd been willing to get up anyway simply just to come and support him. He hadn't been able to put into words exactly what had happened, but Ruth knew good and well that Junpei was in a state of mind that wasn't exactly ready for rebuttal. 

His coach, a broad man, caught his wandering gaze, and Junpei quickly attempted to find elsewhere to look, without much hope at all. It only took a moment for Cassian to be next to him, motioning his head to Ruth to give them privacy. His friend seemed hesitant at best, but did as she was told, scurrying off as teams from other schools began to arrive. 

Jun did his best to press down the overflowing anxiety tumbling into his chest as he looked back to his coach. "Yeah?"

Cassian just eyed him for a moment, squatting beside him. "I got a call this morning, Jun."

"Oh." Junpei didn't have to ask who from, he already knew, and that bitter prolouge of panic swirled deep down into his gut.

"It's none of my buissness, so I'm only going to ask you, are you sure you want to run today?"

"Yes." The answer came without hesitation, only this time, Junpei really did mean it. He really did this time, he needed to run. Needed that stability and assurance that he could still do something right.

For a moment, Cassian seemed unconvinced, "You're sure?"

"I need to." Junpei lowered his own voice. "Please Coach, I just, I really, really need to run."

That seemed to press him enough, and he nodded shortly, rising to his feet before offering a hand to pull up Jun as well. "Alright then. You can run, but you're allowed to opt out at any time, alright?"

Junpei wanted to argue, to say that he didn't even need that as an option, because he was going to run the whole way, even if it killed him. However, he didn't really have the energy to put up much of a fight, so instead he nodded back, accepting the counter-offer. Cassian still glanced at him for a minute, then shook his head lightly, turning and jogging over to some of the other coaches who were instructing their own teams to warm-up and stretch. 

Within the bustling crowd, Junpei caught a pair of eyes that were sharply locked onto him, and he felt his heart skip a beat.

Seth.

Fuck.

Pulling his eyes away as fast as he could manage, he turned his body slightly, praying to everything in the afterlife that Seth would not come this way. Of course, that was nothing more than a wistful hope, because Jun knew Seth, and he knew goddamn well Seth would come over to either banter or tease him. Some ugly mix of sunshine and stress swirled in the pit of his stomach, forcing himself to keep his body turned away from Seth's team entirely. 

He could feel Ruth's eyes on him for a minute, before she stood, intercepting the soft footsteps that were approaching Junpei from behind. "Hey, not now Seth."

"Aw, Ruth, I just wanted to say hi to Jun-" Seth's tone was warm. Fond, as it often was, and the sound of it made Junpei want to cry suddenly, but he kept himself turned to the voice, not daring to even look back for fear that he would have a breakdown.

"Not today, Seth." Ruth's voice was no more than a hiss, and Junpei noted a single retreating footstep. There was a moment of tense silence, and then Ruth spoke again. "Junpei doesn't want to talk to you, so stop bothering him."

Fuck.

Junpei was glad he was turned around then, so he didn't have to look at Seth's face when the words echoed from Ruth's mouth. There was silence for a moment, and then a gentle, prodding touch on Junpei's arm. He turned, just slightly to the side to see Ruth gripping his arm gently, looking at him in an almost reassuring way. He still didn't have the courage to turn to see Seth.

Instead, another voice broke through the heavy quiet, "Seth!". Junpei did glance back then, just in time to see one of Seth's teammates swing his arm around him, grinning. Some twisted feeling wormed it's way down into Junpei's stomach, but at the very least he could recall the name of Seth's new companion.

Jamie.

Just like the name of Junpei's very first friend. Really his only friend from all his years in the orphanage. He knew quite well that this Jamie and that one were two very different people, but still, the name stung. Seth's eyes were pulled from Junpei then, now occupied by Jamie, who just was smiling at him. "I'm going to win this race you know."

"I'm sure." Seth only glanced sideways at him, some undecipherable emotion crossing over his features before they forcibly relaxed, and that easy-going smile made a comeback. "Come on Jamie, let's go stretch before the coach yells at us."

Junpei pulled his attention away before he could register Jamie's response, instead looking back at Ruth, who was herself glaring after the pair. "Ugh. Sorry Jun, I didn't know he was racing today."

I did.

He knew because he and Seth often exchanged what races they would be in, so they could plan to hang out around the time. He knew because they ran together as often as they could, frequently switching and trading trail times. Knew because they loved the same races, loved the same stretches, loved the same sport.

Junpei didn't respond to her, instead just patting her hand on his arm before pulling away, making his way to the starting line, where Cassian was. His coach was talking intermittetly to his wife, a tall, somewhat scary blonde woman. Her gaze was sharp, but Cassian quickly followed it as it fell on Junpei, and a classic smile of his own appeared. "Hey Jun, how are you feeling?"

"Okay." It wasn't exactly the truth, but frankly, Junpei just needed something else to worry about. "I just- I was wondering what number my start was? I just-"

"Yeah, you're four, I had one of the other runners switch you after you were put in five." He just grinned, "I"m pretty superstitious too-"

"Oh, I'm not superstitious really, I'm just paranoid I think." He paused, glancing between them, feeling as though he inturupted something, before bowing his head slightly, "Thanks Coach."

"No problem Kid." Cassian just patted his shoulder, pausing when another coach came over, apologizing profously before explaining that one of the buses with the other teams was delayed, so the other races would have to delay as well. Junpei felt that slow, sinking feeling encompass his heart as he realized that his family would be here before he went running, which meant facing them directly.

Junpei turned then, briskly walking away as his thoughts ran rampant in his head. He was moving unconsiously, he knew that much, but honestly it was hardly more than muscle memory as he reached Ruth, stripping off his long-sleeve in favor for his shorter track uniform top. Stuffing it in bag, he left it beside her, then just looked over towards the winding trail they often took in loops for cross-country. He was well aware it wasn't the best idea to go running right before a track meet, but he really didn't care at this point. The pressure in his stomach was dizzying, and it had begun to make him feel nauseous. If he just waited here much longer, letting the anxiety of seeing his family eat him alive, he wouldn't be able to prevent a breakdown in front of his team, in front of Ruth, in front of his coach, in front of Seth. 

"I'll be back Ruth." He just blinked back towards her, "I think I forgot something."

Ruth looked skeptical for a brief moment, but seemed to believe him, nodding before looking back down at her phone. Junpei only turned from her, letting the guilt pool and swirl in his stomach at the lie. He started to simply walk towards the tree-line, hoping that no one was really watching him. His walk quickly turned into a jog, vanishing between the trees and down in the clear path winding down within the trees. The air was cooler under the canopy, and fresh morning air rolled in and out of his lungs.

It still didn't stop his thoughts from rambling along. 

The guilt was immeasurable now, bleeding into every thought he had. The guilt for refusing his mother, for running from his family, for not calling them, for ignoring Seth, for lying to Ruth, for insisting that he was fine, over and over again to that stupid fucking question.

Are you okay?

Junpei wants to scream so badly, to yell that no he isn't, and yet he can't bring himself to do it. He's not really if it's the fact that he thinks it could be so much worse so if he isn't okay he's simply being dramatic, or if it's the fact that he's just lying to himself about what he actually is feeling. Three words shouldn't be that hard to say.

I'm not okay.

It's strange, he thinks, how much easier it is to stall off anxiety and panic when someone is watching you. It's easier to pretend you're fine with other people around you. At least that way you could prevent it from happening out of embarrassment, or out of the comfort or realization that everyone around you is fine, so why shouldn't you be?

Pathetic.

Junpei knows his breathing is more shallow than normal, and he wants it to stop. He just wants to give himself into the run, to feel the wind and taste the feeling of freedom again. Maybe that's why he loves running so much. It's an escape from the chains that seem to be weighing him down, burdening him until he feel like all he can do is take another breath.

He barely even feels like he can do that now.

The world is flying underneath him, and all he can do is think about that rising anxiety; the volcanic pressure that is just one wrong move from exploding. Junpei is sprinting now, and despite knowing it's the reckless thing to do, he does it anyway. He's so close to freedom, so close to escape. It hurts in a way, because he's doing it again. He runs from everything. He's scared.

Coward.

Junpei wants to argue. Wants to swallow back burning tears that are beginning to prick at his eyes. Wants to choke back the consuming anxiety that's eating him alive. He wants to do something about it - wants to fight back, wants to run. Something. Anything.

You can't.

Nasuea suddenly floods his senses, and Junpei barely manages to skid to a stop before his stomach heaves, and hot vomit splatters against the dirt below him. A sob is quick to follow, as rapid, shallow breaths claw at his lungs. He can feel himself shaking, another breathless cry tearing from his chest as he internally begs to air.

Breathe.

Junpei just wants to be able to breathe.

God, he can't do it. He can't do anything right. Junpei tries to take a stumbling step forward, but slips on uneven ground, sliding down a short bank of undergrowth. It hurts, yes. But not as much as his chest does now. No one is there to see him cry, so he does. He sobs. Junpei doesn't have one fucking clue what to do, and it's nobody's fault but his. He's scared, and tired, and alone. 

He's never felt this alone before, and desperation claws at his throat, begging him to just breathe. But he can't. He can't manage to get in enough air to remind his lungs what oxygen tastes like. Can't even get enough air to think straight as another wave of nasuea and fatigue hit him square in the face.

"Jun?"

No.

"Junpei!"

No.

He knows that voice. Knows it too well, and in only moments he sees Seth appear in his vision, across from where Junpei is on the ground, knees pulled to his chest as he desperately tries to breathe. "Oh my god Jun, are you hurt? God, you're all scratched up." Concern bleeds through his words, and it makes his chest seize up all over again as another strangled cry coughs from his mouth. His nails are embedding themselves in his arms, as if they're the only thing in the world that could possibly holding him together at this point. 

Even so, he struggles with the words. "C-can't.." He can't breathe, and the word is an effort to even start, but Seth seems to understand.

"Okay, okay- hey, Jun." Warm hands cup his face, holding it lovingly as worry laces each word, glittering concern in his eyes. "It's okay, it's alright, i'm here now." Hesitation crosses his own features as he sucks in a breath, words soft. "I'm so sorry, I just need to ask if you want me to stay or go find your family." 

Junpei can barely make the 's' sound, internally pleading with his body to just breathe, dammit. It doesn't matter anyway, because Seth gets it. A moment later, hands retract, and strong warmth wraps around him, pulling him closer.

Junpei lets his head fall into Seth's shoulder, trembling almost violently, but he can hear him talking. His voice is gentle, and there's the soft sensation of gentle circles up and down his back. "I'm here Junpei." It feels easier to cry now, for some reason, and although the sobs are still loud and labored, at least he can breathe between them. "You're safe, see?" The voice is still gentle, and a light, sunshine kiss is placed near the crook of his neck. 

Safe.

The word echoes into his head, piercing through his muddled thoughts like a ray of light. Right. Safe. It sends a tremble through his body again, his eyes closing as exhuastion begins to set in properly. He still feels naseous, and dizzy, but at least Seth is here.

Wait. Seth is here.

"You're gonna be l-late.." It still feels hard to talk, but he's not as embarassed as he was. Even if it is a little humilating crying in front of your boyfriend, Junpei is much too tired to care.

"To what, my race?" Seth's tone could be called comedical, but he kisses the side of Junpei's cheek again, pulling back to cup his face in his hands adoringly. "Fuck that." That slow, uneasy guilt again began pooling in his stomach, but Seth's quick to stop it. "You matter a whole hell of a lot more to me than a race Jun."

"That's s-stupid." Junpei grips Seth's own uniform, pulling him back so he can again rest his head on his shoulder. Seth doesn't really fight it, arms again going around him entirely, adjusting to pull him in a more comfortable position as the circles resume. "I'd, I'd have left you here."

"So mean." Still, it's a fond response, and one that eases the anxiety that's been pooling in his stomach. "You breathing okay now?"

Junpei manages to shake his head, pulling back himself this time as shame trickles back up his chest, instivtivly rubbing over his arms. It's not like Seth doesn't know about them, but that doesn't exactly mean he likes Seth seeing them. He watches Seth's eyes flicker down to his arms, but looks back up at him after a moment.

"Good, do you want to tell me what happened?"

To be completely honest, he doesn't really know if he can. At least not now, but maybe after he talks to his family. Seth takes his lack of response for an actual one, and smiles at him.

"Well then pretty boy, we gotta get you back before you get an infection on any of the scratches you got from your fall." 

Before Junpei can protest, he feels Seth slide an arm under his knees, and another one below his arms and back before scooping him up completely, getting to his feet with a huff of a breath. Heat sears up his cheeks before looking up at his boyfriend, only to see him grinning ferally.

"Nice. I didn't know if that would work or not."

"You mean, you picked me up before you knew you could carry me?" Junpei doesn't really mind, even if it does sound accusatory, letting his head fall against his shoulder as Seth begins to walk.

"I mean, I don't know your actual weight and it's pretty rude to ask." He just sighed, taking one careful step after the other, "Besides, I wanted to surprise you anyway." it actually is rather comforting, and Seth's warm, so Junpei doesn't actually have any real complaints. "I bet I'll still get to my race in time, so I'll get you back to your family so you can talk, yeah?"

Junpei nods again in agreement. Despite the anxiety that washes over him at talking to his family about it, he feels better, especially because Seth doesn't seem angry at at all. The thought trails tracks down his mind, and hesitation briefly crosses his own features before looking up at Seth, "I want to tell my family about you."

Seth's steps falter, but only for a moment, before that bright, overtly charasmatic grin flashes over his face. "Well of course you do, I'm amazing."

"Prick."

"Bastard." Seth just smiles at nothing for a moment, keeping his eyes on the trail. "Only if you want to Jun."

"I want to."

Safe.

"I promise."

✦

✦ WYN ✦

- tbh i'm kinda busting out
these chapters, but i think
it's just cause i'm good at
writing sad shit

- sorry for the long chapter!
- its def over 3000 words 
so my bad besties <3

- make sure to eat and 
drink water today !!

your character's opinions on Junpeth [Junpei + Seth] ?

──● answers