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you feel what you feel and
those feelings are real

──● sven
FROZEN II

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A lot has happened, the past couple of months. Jady finds it almost overwhelming. 

Almost. 

Not quite enough to put her off, at least for now, but it's still a lot to take in. She's lying in her bed now, staring up at the ceiling as her head hangs upside down off the edge. Illuminated stars are still stuck to her ceiling from when she was little, sometimes they still dimly light up in the dark. It makes her feel nostalgic.

For a moment, she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath in through her nose, then pushing the air out her mouth. It's quiet for now in the house. Late morning on January first, New Years. Of course it's quiet, everyone's sure to have fallen asleep by now. They'd had a party as usual, cheering to the new year, but it hadn't been long before everyone tricked off to their own rooms, or fell asleep to the distant sound of music in the ballroom. She'd thought about staying down there, but in the end had decided against it.

She hadn't even fallen asleep yet.

Mostly because her brain has been plauged by her own thoughts for a while. A lot is going to be happening for her this year. It's the semester she's allowed to audition for the spring ballet in her school. It's popular, and competitive, and the auditions were rapidly approaching. They were to take place the first day they got back to school, ending that same week, and then the following Monday the cast would be released.

Needless to say, she was terrfied.

That wasn't the only thing however, that had muddled her mind as of recent days. With everything that had been happening lately, she couldn't help but let her own thoughts wander to the idea of love.

She was glad for each of her siblings, proud of each of them too, for following their hearts and finding someone who made them happy, and at first Jady will admit she had been jealous. Maybe jealous was the wrong word, it's not like she wanted to take their love from them, she just wanted a little love too. 

Envious. That was better.

At first it had been that. Some kind of untouchable resentment towards the fact that she herself hadn't found anyone she was remotely interested in as of late. Then her mindset had shifted - just a little, because she was turned to the fact of what kind of person she would love to have as a partner. The question had stumped her for a time.

Right up until the end of the semester, that is, when a boy asked her out, and Jady had felt absolutely nothing at all towards him. That's when she realized that men had no interest to her at all.

She was lesbian.

There was nothing wrong with that of course, Delaney is lesbian, and she's arguably one of the best people that Jady had ever met. Her girlfriend Rune was pretty great too. There's nothing wrong with being lesbian at all, but that doesn't mean that the realization didn't hit her like a truck sliding down the interstate.

Jady pushed up on her bed, shifting uncomfortably over the cream-shaded covers on her bed, staring up at the window that angled at the headboard of her bed, and slanted up into the wall towards the ceiling. It was a clear night out, fresh-plucked stars hanging in their spots, dancing in symphony with the galaxy that lay out there. Constellations are arcing across the sky, and for a brief moment, she swears she see's the glimmer of a shooting star.

It's quiet.

She's never really liked the quiet. It leaves her alone with her thoughts for a little too long. It makes her limbs ache with the want of activity, of ballet. Like a call of something that settles under her skin, making her jitter with the idea of doing something she loves. Dance is her escape.

If her family is her salvation, ballet is her symphony. 

Sighing, she flops over on the bed, in a dramatic fashion that no one witnessed, and stared up once again at the dimly lit stars of her childhood. Her grandfather helped her put them up. Jady can't help but smile at the memory, closing her eyes to envision it all over again. She'd been young, maybe nine, when he'd come over with trinkets and decorations for each of the children's rooms. Jady had decided she wasn't too old for stars then, despite telling her father she was much too old for tea parties only a few minutes before his arrival. 

But no one's ever really too old for stars, she thinks.

It's sweet, and too short for her too hold onto. The memory fades in an instant, leaving the taste of back-washed euphoria stuck to the roof of her mouth, and pricking the corners of her eyes. Jady doesn't like staying up this late for this reason exactly. The quiet makes her think, and the darkness makes her cry.

Keitaro says it's because the darkness makes people feel alone.

Jady thinks he's right.

It doesn't really matter though, because after the first few tears slip from her cheeks, the lull of sleep begans to overtake her, as if it was her emotions that were holding her back from it. The dreamless darkness is quick to finish her off entirely.

---------------

Jady Morrigan woke up to the sound of laughter below her feet. It's recongnizably Raine's, and her eyes immediately flash open, excitement soaring up her chest as she kicks off the half-mangled comforter to scramble out of bed. Leaving the blanket on the floor, she throws open her door, half-darting down the stairs (still warily, because of the stories Del has told her about Yume's terrible tumble), and towards the kitchen.

Jady doesn't think there's a person in the world who could genuinely dislike Raine. At least, not a person in the world who could stay that way once they got to know her. She was always nice to have in the house, spirited and optimistic. Even if she absolutely does deserve every break she's given, Jady misses her throughout it. Not just because her and Dexter help them all function, but because they're part of the family too, and she couldn't really imagine her life without them at all.

Her siblings were already seated at the table, chatting over each other in the midst of conversation. Yume glanced up at her arrival, smiling as warm as she ever did, and immediately patted the empty seat next to her and Delaney. No matter who was gone that morning for breakfast, or whoever was the last to get there, Yume always saved a seat right next to her.

Jady had overheard Jasari ask her once, why she did. After all, it's not like one of the chairs would magically disappear. There would always be an empty seat somewhere at the table, no matter what. Yume's response had been quiet, under her breathe, but based on the sudden heartbreak that scattered across her sister's face, Jady could assume it was for a good reason.

She took the seat, snuggling up to her sister as Yume reached her hand over to ruffle her hair. It was a familair motion for most of her siblings to do for her. At times she found it annoying, but it was a touch of comfort most of the time, and a way for her more reserved siblings to show that they did care, they just didn't want to show it.

As always, the table was decked in food. The majority of it leaned to more of a brunch food, because of the already late start that they'd all been getting this morning. Sunshine was already smeared across the floors of the kitchen, curtains opened to allow every drop of light in. Raine had always said she was more of a fan of natural light anyway, especially for large houses like this. It was better for the environment, and the electrical bill. She reached over, placing two slices of french toast on her plate, just before Raine danced over to her, wordlessly handing her cinnamon as she trotted to the other side of the table towards Elijah, who was halfway through his (basic) plate of bacon, eggs, and toast.

"So, my dear." Raine's voice was bright, and she clasped her hands togther, rocking back on her feet as Elijah glanced up at her, unable to hide the slight smile that whipped across his face. "Did Gloria and Alistair enjoy your cooking? I was going to call them, but I figured that you were doing absolutely perfectly."

Elijah set down his fork, clearly ignoring the now burning stares and teasing grins his siblings were oh-so-kindly offering him, and nodded shortly. "They did, actually. They said I did very well-"

Before he could finish the sentence, the table erupted in sarcastic appluase, mixed with a smattering of giggles. Jady herself was clapping, nodding to him mockingly as her siblings whipped out as many snarky compliments as they could.

"Wow, I'm impressed." Junpei turned to Keitaro, who nodded in agreement.

"We always knew you had it in you, Eli."

Elliot put his head in his hand, elbow on the table. "Do tell us, how do you do it?"

Merlene sighed, leaning back into her chair. "Stupid, he can't tell us his secrets, then they wouldn't be secret anymore."

Jady grinned, clasping her hands together in a psuedo swoon, "You're basically a proffessional Elijah-"

"Okay- Okay, that's enough." Elijah shot back at them, rolling his eyes, but ducked his head to hide the obvious amusement that now adorned his features. "Besides, I can cook better than any of you, so clearly I'm the winner in this situation."

Yume pursed her lips at that, huffing. "I can make a mean cheesecake." Elijah turned to her, crossing his arms over his chest and raising his eyebrow. Yume seemed to hesitate, then relented. "Okay, it was like four years ago, but it was still good!"

Kei angled his head at her, eyes squinting in obvious skeptism. "Well, Yu, I hate to be the one to tell you this but-"

"Oh, shut up Keitaro." She swatted at his chest, burying her light-hearted laugh and only shaking her head, returning to her own food, "I at the very least didn't burn the kitchen down."

"You set off the smoke alarm once and suddenly you're a villain."

"You were making toast-"

"Anyway." Elijah shook his head, returning his attention towards Raine. "Yes, it went well, and you should call them Raine. They love hearing from you." He smiled a little at her. "I'm pretty sure there isn't anyone who doesn't like hearing from you."

Raine laughed, that bright, bubbly sound and patted his head, "Oh- stop it." She clasped her hands behind her back again, turning on her heel and walking back towards the counters of the kitchen, "Perhaps I will then." It had clearly made her happy, hearing that. Jady buried her smile in her cup of Chai Tea, ignoring the opening this one time for making fun of how soft Elijah actually was. 

The chatter picked up once again, but it was more centralized this time, darting over the table until everyone there knew what everyone else was talking about. Reysa, who was sitting next to Akiho, suddenly voiced a question that Jady was absolutely dying to know the answer too.

"So." Her eyes darted backwards, to the stairs, before returning to him. "You and Leo."

It only took a moment for the table to fall entirely silent, and for a moment Akiho looked sheepish. "He..asked me to be his boyfriend." Before anyone could celebrate, Akiho held up his hand. "I said no-"

"You what-" Delaney was half up out of her chair, but Akiho shot back just as fast.

"I said no, because if we do decide to have a relationship, it should not be built upon the fact that we had a very emotional apology session." His eyes darted over his siblings. "I did something wrong, something very wrong, and even if Leo has decided to forgive me, that doesn't mean he trusts me right away. He says he does - but-" he shook his head. "The point is, is that I told him that we should work on being more honest and open with each other first before going into a relationship - because I really don't want our foundation to be built on something that was a mistake." He hesitated, chewing his cheek. "I also told him that we both need to be in a good place to start a healthy relationship. And I do want that with him, so we've decided to just get to know each other a little bit more, and maybe go on a trial date or two before we jump into a whole..whole relationship..or..or whatever."

For a moment, there was silence, and then Reysa very gently reached over and patted his hand. "That sounds like a good idea, Akiho." She paused. "Yeah, I'm proud of you."

Akiho ducked his head a little, shrugging "It's not a big deal- I fucked up and I have to deal with it- anyway....let's talk about literally anything else please-"

Jady, always the savior when it comes to a pause in tense conversation shoved the rest of her french toast into her mouth, swallowing before she spoke. "Junpei!" Her brother's head shot up, snapping over to her as he raised an eyebrow quizzically. Jady just stood, pushing her chair back as she did, and beamed a classic smile towards him, "Do you wanna go on a run today?"

Immediately her brother seemed to brighten, speedily shoving the rest of his hot-sauced hashbrowns into his mouth before standing too, nodding. "Of course I do, what kind of a question is that?" Before she could even answer, he was jogging up the stairs, "Meet me outside in like thirty minutes Jay! I'll plan us a route!"

With an outstanding giggle, and a grateful glance from Akiho, Jady was quick to follow him up the stairs, leaving the somewhat dwindling conversation of her siblings behind as she took the stairs two at a time.

As she hurried into her room, snatching her sneakers off of the floor, her thoughts wandered back to last night. Her now hidden sexuality. Tramping through her mind as she shoved a leg through her workout leggings. 

An undercover lesbian.

Well, how hard could it be?

✦

✦ OPHELIA ✦

- part five; chapter one !

- i think it's so cool that we're
already so far into the book !
i'm sorry to those whose arcs
are a little bit later - i promise
they're worth the wait !! I work 
really hard on each of them
individually as much as I can

how did your character come to terms
with their sexuality ?

──● answers