𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐓𝐨 𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤
-𝟎𝟎𝟕-
𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡, 𝟏𝟗𝟏𝟗

Polly gently brushed Valerie's hair away from her face. "You'll be fine. Put on a brave face." She whispered to her, giving her a reassuring smile. "You look beautiful.

"Thank you, Polly." She said quietly, staying close behind her whilst they went to take their seats.

Four days ago, Tommy had invited Valerie to John's wedding. He said she could be the 'lady on his arm.' Except she didn't know where Tommy was. And she didn't want to bother asking Polly. She felt so out of place it was almost humiliating.

Valerie had never been to a wedding before. And to make it even worse, it was the wedding of the man who claimed to love her. And he wasn't marrying her.

"Here they come," Polly nodded behind Valerie.

They both watched as they came up the hill that led to the camp. Her heart pounded like crazy and she just looked away, not wanting to face him at all. He hadn't spotted her yet.

Once they got to the alter, Tommy was giving John a talk. And every now and again his eyes would flicker to Valerie. She played with her hands nervously and it took Polly grabbing her hand to make her stop. "Relax." Polly whispered.

The ceremony began and Valerie had tuned it all out. She didn't want to listen, she didn't want to watch. She wanted to sit down and begin drinking in hopes to soften the pain of it all. But she couldn't even do that. Not whilst being pregnant.

There was a moment where John turned to grin at one of his brothers but his eyes landed on Valerie instead. And his face dropped. He looked at her for a few moments. Valerie realised that he had seen her and her mouth parted.

"John—" Tommy hissed, nudging his brother.

"Er.. yeah." He cleared his throat, "I do." He nodded once, tempted to turn and look at Valerie again.

"I don't know if I can stay here, Polly." She whispered. Polly looked at her. "Yes you can." She corrected. "I know you can."

Soon enough, the ceremony ended and it was time to party. Valerie sat with Polly, Tommy and Finn. She couldn't stay focused on one thing. Her mind was all over the place. 

Polly got up to go help Finn with something which left Tommy and Valerie alone.

"Listen," he said, leaning back in his chair and blowing smoke from his cigarette. "I know this isn't easy for you, Valerie." He said.

"Why did you do it?" She interrupted. Tommy frowned. "Why did you organise John to marry someone when you knew he'd been seeing me." She asked. Tommy shrugged. "Well who is willingly going to marry Arthur?" he scoffed.

"Well that girl didn't willingly marry John did she?" Valerie reminded him.

Tommy sighed. "Do you want to hear what i've got to say or not?" He snapped. Valerie raised her eyebrows at his tone. "Not if you're going to speak to me like that, no."

"Right— my apologies." He breathed, throwing his cigarette to the floor. "John's married Esme. You're pregnant with his child." Tommy began. She shook her head. "Thank you, Thomas. I didn't have a clue." She said sarcastically.

He began growing frustrated. "Marry me." He blurted out, gritting his teeth.

Her eyes widened. "What?"

"You're seriously going to make me.." He whispered, looking away, "Valerie I want you to marry me." He repeated. It was like he didn't want to ask. But what Polly Gray wanted, Polly Gray got.

She shook her head in confusion. "That's absurd. I don't understand."

"There are more positives for this than there are negatives." He explained. "You get to have support around you for when the baby comes.. your baby won't be a bastard." He said.

"You're willing to be a father figure for this baby?"

"No.. well yes. But— we make people think it's mine. And that'll be our excuse for marrying." Tommy said. Valerie thought for a moment. All she had ever heard was bad stories about Tommy Shelby. But maybe he did have a heart after all. "So you want to marry a whore— a pregnant whore?"

"It's a yes or a no."

Valerie grinned, knowing she could say yes in spite of John. She knew if she was to be with his brother it would infuriate him. And that why she said..

"Yes."

"What?"

"I'll marry you."

Tommy didn't actually expect her to say yes. He just nodded and sipped his drink, now unsure what to say. He knew that for it to be believable that the baby was his, they'd have to marry soon.

Valerie watched as John and Esme spun each other around, laughs falling from their mouths as if they'd known each other for years.

She looked at him sadly and played with her hands.

"Why did you get John to marry her when it was me you chose to help him get over Lizzie?" She finally asked Tommy. Tommy looked down whilst thinking for a moment. "Because, Valerie, there's some things you'll come to learn.." he sighed, "John married Esme Lee to end this war between our families."

She shook her head with teary eyes. "You knew how we felt about each other," Her voice was shaky.

"Well, unfortunately these things happen. Sometimes love gets in the way of more important things." He cleared his throat.

"You really don't care, do you? You don't care that we actually cared about each other."

Tommy shrugged. "Love makes you vulnerable. We can't afford to be vulnerable." He said nonchalantly.

Valerie scoffed and shook her head. "Excuse me," she muttered, getting up and walking away to find something else to do. Valerie was quick to wipe under her eyes to prevent any tears falling down her face. She had never felt like this before — never felt so... conflicted. It was like she was missing someone who wasn't even dead.

John peered over his shoulder and watched Valerie walked away to behind some of the wagon's.

"That's enough," he breathed, forcing a smile onto his lips, "I need a minute." she excused, departing from Esme and going the same way Valerie had.

"Val?" John asked quietly when turning the corner. She snapped her head around and looked at him with wide eyes. "Shouldn't you be enjoying your wedding?" She asked, looking at him nervously.

"Yeah.. but I wanted to make sure you were alright," he said, leaning against the wagon.

She scoffed. "Well, if this happened to you — if you had to watch the girl you love get married to another man, would you be alright?" She asked, not considering the fact he would have to do that soon.

"You love me?" John frowned.

Valerie played back her words in her head and her wyes widened. "Well.." She muttered. Taking a deep breath, she decided that being honest would be the best thing as of that night, they'd probably never get to share a moment alone together again. "Can you blame me?" Valerie asked.

John's eyes searched her face.

"You looked after me, John. Nobody has ever done that for me before." She explained. She looked down, unable to meet his eye.

John reached out for her, placing a hand on the side of her neck. "Look at me," he whispered gently, pulling her in. Valerie didn't fight him. She wanted him. She wanted to be in his arms so desperately.

So she let John hug her. And she took a fistful of his clothes in her hand, leaning against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Valerie." He whispered against her skin. "I would've married you if I could, you know that."

"So why didn't you? You had plenty of time—" She pulled away to look at him again.

"Because I was afraid that I would ruin your life. You're young.. and have time to get out of hear. I didn't want to be the reason you were stuck in Small Heath."

"What if I wanted to be stuck in Small Heath? With you?" She asked.

John sighed and the pad of his thumb was pressed against her cheek. "I love you, Valerie. More than i'll ever come to love Esme," he whispered. She just stared at him with teary eyes. And that's when he kissed her.

Valerie didn't pull away. But after a few seconds, she did. She held the sides of his upper arms and shook her head. "John this isn't right," she said quietly. She wanted nothing more than to be with him again, in the comfort of his arms.

"I know— I know." John nodded, still holding onto her face. He used his thumb to wipe the stray tear that fell from her eye. "But one day, I promise i'll make it all right, yeah?"

Valerie nodded quickly. "You should get back to the wedding, John."

John nodded but didn't move. Instead he engulfed her in a hug again, this time squeezing her tightly. "Just.. give me a moment," he said, a lump in his throat. John didn't want to let her go.

Valerie could've broke down right there but she didn't. She pulled away and looked him in the eye and forced a small, sympathetic smile.

And that's when John forced himself to walk away, knowing it'd only hurt more if he stayed longer. He regretted it — marrying Esme. Even though it was out of his control. But he couldn't help but feel like he'd absolutely betrayed Valerie.

"You alright, John boy?" Arthur grabbed his shoulder which made him jump. He sniffed and blinked hard. "Yeah." He said bluntly, shrugging Arthur's hands away.

Polly watched her nephew carefully and knew automatically he had been to see Valerie. Just by the look in his eyes. They were full of regret and guilt and longing.

Tommy stared down into his drink, lost in thought.

"Go and find her." Polly spoke up. Tommy snapped back to reality and looked at his aunt. "What? Find who?"

"Valerie. Go find her." Polly said with a more stern tone.

Tommy let out a small sigh and pulled up from his chair, throwing back the rest of his drink and swallowing it. Turning the corner, he was indeed met with Valerie stood by herself and he stopped in his tracks.

"You not enjoying the party?" He asked, clearing his throat. She said nothing. "Neither," Tommy said. She shook her head and looked away. "Why are you here?" She questioned.

"Well, if my future wife is crying.." he paused, "i'll be sure to be at her side."

She closed her eyes. Valerie didn't want to truly believe she'd have to marry Tommy Shelby. After everything she'd heard about him. Was he truly a man she wanted to marry? A man she wanted around her child?

"Come on," Tommy nodded toward the party. She looked down at his hand that he had offered her and just stared at it. "Come back to the party." He said.

She sucked in a breath and took his hand, letting him lead her back to the table. Polly gave her a look of reassurance.

"You should tell Ada to slow down." Polly noticed her niece dancing like a mad woman, spinning and screaming with laughter. "You think she'll listen to me?" he scoffed, lighting another cigarette.

"I've tried stopping her but she's been drinking." Polly pushed. "She's been stuck in that little basement for weeks, what do we expect?" Tommy shrugged.

"She's going off like a firecracker. Oh, Christ, Tommy, please."

Valerie hesitantly got up and walked to the other pregnant girl. "Ada," she gently placed a hand on her arm, "why don't you come sit down?" She asked. Ada glared at her and held onto her to regain her balance. "I want to dance— come on, dance with me!" She shouted, not really knowing who Valerie was.

"Ada, come on, have a rest. Sit down." Tommy quickly joined Valerie's after Ada tried spinning her around.

"Come and look, Esme. Come and look at the family you've joined. Come and look at the man who runs it! Chooses his brothers' wives for them!He hunts his own sister down like a rat, and he tries to kill his own brother-in-law!" Ada ranted.

"Ada, that's enough!"

"And now he won't even let me have a fucking dance! Not even at a fucking wedding!" She continued, her voice cracking.

"Holy shit. Water. Right." Polly panicked slightly, grabbing Ada's arms.
"Not now, Ada! Bloody hell, you do pick your times!" Arthur grumbled.

Tommy put a hand on Valerie's back and led her to the car. "This way," he muttered, opening the door for her.

Valerie got into the car and watched as Tommy closed the door in her face and walked around to get in the drivers seat. Valerie hugged her arms around herself uncomfortably and chewed on her bottom lip.

-

During Ada's labour, Polly had sent Valerie down to the Garrison after getting the impression it was all too much for her to watch.

When opening the pub doors, she was met with the atrocity of John and Arthur's singing and Tommy who was stood at the bar chatting to Grace.

She crossed her arms over her chest, hugging her lined coat to her body due to how cold it had been outside. "Can I get you anything?" Grace asked. Valerie gently shook her head and quickly glanced at Tommy who seemed to be avoiding her eyes.

It was only mere minutes later that Polly stormed in, stopping for a moment. "It's a boy." She hissed before running forward with angry eyes. Valerie quickly stepped to the side to get out of the woman's way and watched as she fumed, John and Arthur rushing out to stop her.

"Don't look at me like that, you liar!" She spat at Tommy's feet.

Valerie stood with complete confusion. Ada had given birth to her baby but the father was taken away by the police. And Polly believed that was Tommy's doing?

John, without a second thought, went to grab her arm to move her out of the way but she quickly pulled her arm back, sending him a cold look. John looked at her with defeat and pursed his lips together.

"I'm going..back to the house." She muttered, nervously tucking her hair behind her ears quickly. John was the only one to follow her to the doors. "Let me walk you back— please." He practically begged.

She continued walking.

"I don't want anything to happen to you!" He called after her, "let me walk you back."

"I'm fine!" She shouted, not turning to look at him.

John accepted defeat and let his arms fall to his sides. There was nothing he could do. She wasn't going to turn back to him. And he hated that. He hated that he had lost her.

©-shelbysecret-

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Authors Note:

-What do you think about that little moment between Val and John at the wedding?

Any opinions leave here: