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❝ like you said, i never know
when to give up. ❞

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CARINA STARED AT THE NEVER ending darkness enveloping her. An unwelcome shiver crawled up her spine and the mother was suddenly rooted into place— unable to move.

"Ina."

The brunette stilled, her breath hitching when her ears caught the voice of one of her dearest friends— a voice she hadn't heard in over twenty years.

Algora turned her head to meet the inviting eyes of Padme, a small smile gracing the Senators tainted lips. She took a small step towards the mother and Carina was suddenly released from her spot, stumbling slightly which pulled a small chuckle from Amidala.

Carina's lower lip trembled as emotions she'd shoved away for years began to bubble up within her. She struggled to contain the sobs that craved to escape her clamped lips, eyes glossed over with her brows pulled together.

"Padme." Her voice was hoarse, leashed emotions slipping through to allow the other to know just how badly she wanted to cry.

The woman tipped her head to the side slightly, "What is it with you and storing everything you feel up?"

Carina shook her head repeatedly, "I'm so so sorry." Tears escaped the mothers chestnut eyes and began attempting to keep them at bay, knowing once she started— she couldn't stop.

Padme hummed softly, her eyes gentle, "Why would you be? You have nothing to apologize for."

Carina licked her dried lips, chest heaving as she drew heavy breaths, "I should have gone with you to make sure— I could've saved you." Tears stained her flushed cheeks, her head lowering as she attempted to pull herself together.

Padme wore a sympathetic expression, "I chose to help those younglings, Carina. It was my choice. You have no fault in how I died." The Senator treaded closer towards the distressed mother, "You need to let go of this hatred and self-loathing you carry for yourself. Not everything is your fault, you are not responsible for every atrocity that has happened."

Carina wiped the fallen tears from her face, mumbling softly in disagreement, "You know I could've stopped this, Padme."

Amidala huffed out in response, "No, you were barely an adult, Carina. You were a trained peace keeper turned into soldier, what happened with Anakin was not your fault."

Carina's expression immediately fell at the mention of her husband. Anakin, she thought. The name now felt foreign to her, unable to call the person he once was by that title. That alone created a great ache in her, because Anakin was her husband— the man she loved and would've went to whatever lengths for. Not Darth Vader.

"Anakin was my fault. I knew— I always knew and still—"

Padme was quick to cut the brunette off, "And still Palpatine was poisoning his way through both of your minds. You did not allow yourself to fall for his manipulative ways but he still held ample power over you where you did not feel confident enough to speak against him."

Carina fell silent, allowing her friends words to sink in.

"You will never be able to move forward if you keep yourself attached to the past." Padme's voice held a firm edge to it.

Carina's knees weakened, pulling her to the ground below her. A soft cry escaped her trembling lips, a suffocating sensation crashing over her. Not enough air was in her lungs as she panted for oxygen.

A gentle hand was placed upon her shoulder, making the mother look up at Padme, "It's okay."

Carina shook her head, the only thing coming to mind was what had been haunting her for years. "I want to give up on him." She croaked out in broken words. Those few words held much power over the brunette, a constant battle within herself at the mere topic.

Padme knew exactly who Algora was referring to, "Mhm, so why haven't you?" Amidala knew precisely why, she just needed to hear it from Carina's lips. The mother needed to accept what she most dreaded.

The brunette hung her head slightly, her breathing slowing down as a small sense of calm coursed through her. Carina attempted to gather her words, the ones that even the mere thought of them made her stomach churn with all types of uneasiness.

"A piece of me is holding onto who he used to be." A soft hum, forced out as she allowed herself to realize why she stuck around. Why— after all the hell the prick had put her through— she was still willing to wait.

Padme smiled, "You have hope."

Carina swallowed a lump in her throat, refusing to agree with her but she was right. Carina, no matter how much she despised herself for having it, held hope for the Sith Lord.

A lost cause she attempted to remind herself, to draw out what little faith she had in the male left. But alas, it was never any use. Just as she was his weakness— he was hers.

Padme clasped her hands together before her, "To win this war, you will need him. You know that."

Yes, Carina did know that. Yet still, she'd do whatever she could to prevent having to go down that path. A big piece of herself still wanted to leave the Sith to the ashes— with good reason.

"Don't let yourself drown in anger."

A gasp slipped past Carina's lips as she jolted up abruptly. Heavy breaths drawing in and out of her while she rapidly blinked to asses her surroundings. Algora reached up to swipe the tears that had managed to fall in her sleep away.

Releasing the tension from her shoulders, she inhaled through her nose. A dream— she'd been dreaming.

Carina raked her hands through her tousled chestnut locks, pulling her knees up to her chest as she thought of where her sleep had lured her to.

Somehow, she always managed to dream about someone that had died. Yet, that was the first she'd dreamt of Padme.

Carina rubbed her eyes, her tiredness leaving her quickly when she noticed her tray of food had already been left. The curiosity of how long she'd been asleep dawned upon her.

The entire conversation rushed through her mind at lightspeed, not helping the stressed Carina, who's expression faltered.

The mother huffed harshly, shaking her head as if to rid herself of the thoughts that now plagued her mind. She clenched her jaw, throwing the blanket off of her before holding her head with her hands.

"Is now a bad time?" Obi-Wan cautiously questioned, hands clasped behind him as he took in Carina's stressed figure.

Carina slowly turned her head to face the Jedi Master who blinked at her. "You have got to figure out your timings."

Kenobi shrugged softy, "Well, I did time my death perfectly so."

Algora couldn't stop the chuckle that slipped past her at the male's comment. She attempted to fight the smile creeping onto her tainted lips before she straightened herself up, "You can still manage to crack a joke."

Obi-Wan hummed while gazing intently at the woman, "If it pulls a laugh out of you."

Carina sighed softly, meeting the ghosts attentive eyes. Algora's face fell slightly, a sudden weight falling upon her shoulders once more as constant thoughts ran through her mind, draining her entirely.

"I—" Carina's hesitant voice cut through the silent atmosphere, a patient Obi-Wan watching her. "I'm so... conflicted."

Kenobi tipped his head up slightly, "About?"

The brunette scoffed slightly, irritated and fully against having to speak it aloud once again, "You know what."

Obi-Wan sighed, taking in the expression of the person he'd always seen as his younger sister. She was still resentful, hanging onto anger as she dreaded having to let go.

"Perhaps that is because you are still living in what has past. You can never allow yourself to properly think if you're constantly wondering about 'what if's' and the occurrences that have come to be. Your mind is trying to tell you something, maybe instead of shunning it away— you should listen."

Carina grit her teeth slightly, knowing that was precisely the answer she'd be given— and although it wasn't what she exactly wanted to hear, it was what she needed to hear.

Carina couldn't get over the hate she carried for herself, no matter how hard she tried. It was what constantly weighed her down, because she knew once she let go of it, her compassion would again come to light. That was the opposite of what she wanted, sectioning it off as the reason everything had gone horrible in the first place.

She once listened to her heart, and it pointed her it every way but the right one.

She refused to feel for the person who'd taken everything from her— even his own self. She couldn't and she wouldn't.

Kenobi watched Algora's thinking eyes, knowing she was rationalizing why she shouldn't try and listen. Who could blame her though? It wasn't an easy choice to make, that he knew and understood.

But sometimes one must do what they most dread.

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AUTHORS NOTE,
this entire act is stressing me out