__________________________

You wanted to go higher,
Higher, higher
We burned too bright,
Now the fire's gone,
Watch it all fall down, Babylon

__________________________

SAN

San stumbles backwards, out of breath by the hard push against his chest, the same that caused him to lose control over his own body. With a groan, he slides down to sit on the floor, back against the wall.

The surroundings are blurry, his vision all messed up from both the drugs he had taken earlier, and the adrenaline from the fight. The taste of blood is resting on his tongue, and it only intensifies when he sucks in his lower lip.

"What the fuck is going on, Choi?" Hyunjin shouts, his voice both seems so distant but up close at the same time.

San blinks a few times, looking at his surroundings. He can't even remember how he got upstairs to the staff room - to be honest he can't remember much these days at all.

"What do you mean?" he mumbles, glaring up at Hyunjin who has crossed his arms while walking back and forth in front of him.

"Why did you say that shit to Yeosang? Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Even in this fucked up state of mind, San can't ignore just how angry Hyunjin is - and how he's never seen his friend being like this. Hyunjin gets angry when it comes to games, when Felix doesn't understand things after having explained them to him a million times, and when people at work don't clean up their own stations. But this is different, way different.

"Why do you care?" San huffs.

"Because..." Hyunjin sighs, as he slowly sits down in front of San, "You're my friend, both of you are. And I don't like to see you hurt each other. Or yourselves..."

"I don't know what you're talking about..."

Hyunjin sighs again, heavier and deeper this time, and with a small roll of his eyes he looks away from San, but even then he can't hide the disappointment that has painted itself over his bruised face.

The silence is heavy, choking, as Hyunjin struggles finding the right words, and San doesn't care about speaking to him at all. The door suddenly opens and closes, and Felix walks in with hesitant steps.

He and Hyunjin exchange a few words, out of San's hearing range, and Felix keeps looking at him with worried eyes. The younger hadn't been present when the fight broke out, and the bruises on both of his best friends' faces are making him freak out.

"Guys..." he starts off, standing between the two of them, "How could this happen? We are friends, friends don't beat each other up like this!"

"Not unless they are acting like stupid assholes, who deserve it," San spits, sending Hyunjin a cold look, which the other doesn't appreciate at all.

"I'm so sick and tired of you shit, San!" Hyunjin shouts angrily, as San's words ignite the rage inside of him once more. The look in his eyes makes Felix take a step back, and the hand he had raised, to calmly put on his friend's arm, falls to his side again.

"Hyunjin..." Felix whispers, his eyes nervously shifting between Hyunjin and San.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" San grumbles, as he gets up.

"You really have no idea, have you?" Hyunjin growls, stepping towards San, "And this is exactly why I've had enough!"

San leans against the wall, his body feeling so numb that the shock of Hyunjin's words is drowned inside of him - causing him to look as careless as ever. And if there's ever been a situation where San should've showed anything but carelessness, this would've been it.

"I've had enough of picking you up when you've fallen down," Hyunjin continues, ignoring how Felix helplessly tries to drag him away, "I've had enough of you acting out on other people, and Felix and I being the ones left with the mess, having to defend you and your fucked up actions! Every time you've hit the bottom, we've been there, but you never noticed - did you? You never even once thanked us, for all the times you decided to get fucked up with Jay, and either Felix or I had to come and pick you up from God knows where!"

"Hyunjin!" Felix cries out in panic, tugging the sleeves of his taller friend.

"We've grown accustomed to your shitty behavior, but Yeosang hasn't, and you can't treat him like that! He doesn't deserve that... None of us do!"

"Jesus! Why do you care so much about me and Yeosang?" San scoffs, wanting to avoid eye contact - and the rest of this stupid conversation.

But Hyunjin grabs him by the collar, pushing him against the wall and forcing their eyes to meet.

"Because he loves you, you fucking idiot!" The tears in Hyunjin's eyes soften his words for just one second, and San can't escape the pain that hits him in that moment. "He loves you... And you... You hurt and humiliated him in front of everyone tonight..."

The tears and the softness disappear with the back of his hand, as Hyunjin wipes them away and his eyes burn straight into San's again. San feels his stomach turn when he hears Hyunjin's words, but it's not like he can do anything about it now. He fucked up, again... And this time, nothing can make it right.

While San gets caught up inside his own mind, he doesn't pay much attention to the others. The only thing he notices, is how Hyunjin finally lets go of him and takes a few steps away. Felix is saying something to him, but too quietly for San to hear - not that he cares anyway.

Hyunjin keeps making frustrated arm gestures, glaring at San, while Felix tries to calm him down. With a certainly not fine 'fine' pushed out between his gritted teeth, Hyunjin turns and walks towards San again.

"Whatever it is that is going on with you these days," he then says, "you better sort it out as soon as possible, before you lose everyone around you. I know you think you're doing fine by yourself - that you don't need anyone. But if you think about it, San, are you even that lonely? Stop pushing people away, because you feel scared."

Hyunjin's voice is shaking, revealing that this wasn't quite the way he wanted to say those words, but Felix' sad eyes are holding him back from the harsh way he had planned. With a last burning glare, Hyunjin spins around and leaves the room, heading down to work.

A brief silence follows as he's slammed the door behind him, and Felix nervously stands left behind with San.

"D-don't worry... He'll come around again, when he's calmed down." Felix says, trying his best to force a smile on his usually cheerful face. "Just give him some ti-"

"Just fuck off Felix. I don't need any of you!" San cuts him off, slowly sliding down to sit on the floor again.

With his legs pulled up in front of him, San rests his elbows against them and covers his face with his hands. He can finally feel his body again, but it doesn't feel good, he feels like burning up, every part of him itches and trembles when he moves - just as every single breath hurts like pure hell.

"But, San..." Felix squats down in front of San, and a gentle hand is placed on San's knee.

But said hand, and friendly gesture, is shoved away immediately, and San's voice has never been deeper nor more hurtful despite the few words that are sent like fire shooting out between his lips.

"Felix. I said, fuck off!"

The blonde hair falls over his eyes, as Felix' head falls towards his chest. A last sad glance is send towards San while Felix gets up from the floor, but he remains silent as he exists the room - leaving San to be all alone.

With his palms, San rubs his eyes to prevent tears from falling. He doesn't even feel sad right now, or so he tries to tell himself, and he refuses to cry. But despite the hurt continuously building up inside of him, he keeps telling himself that it's better this way.

He is better off this way. Alone.

✦

San loses himself more and more by each day that passes by. In the distant of his presence, he has heard the others at work talk about Yeosang planning on moving back to London when the month is over. Hongjoong has released the younger from his contract after what happened that one night, and after Seonghwa apparently went off in a heated argument, almost forcing Hongjoong to cancel the contract.

Speaking of Seonghwa; if being near him had been absolutely dreadful before, it has become pure hell by now. Although the taller doesn't speak much whenever San is around, he also doesn't hold any swear words back when he finally says something.

While pretty much everyone at work has started to ignore him, San considers quitting every single day. But in the end he doesn't, not even when Hongjoong had threatened him - wanting to fire him, after he had acted out and gotten into a fight at work. To everyone's big surprise, Hongjoong gave him one final chance, and the look that had sparked from his eyes had shown a deep concern and worry, but San had been too far gone to even notice.

Work equals money, and San has no idea how he will survive without this job, even when having to show up for his shifts are getting harder to do. And keeping a hold on himself is even worse.

His outer might still, to some degree, show that flawless beauty that he's been blessed with, but inside he has never felt worse - like disconnected pieces of a puzzle that don't fit together, no matter how many times you twist and turn them.

But the worst part is that even Jay has taken some distance from him. When San had yelled at the other one night, his entire body shaking and his eyes redder than ever before, Jay had refused to sell him anything. San had made an order of methamphetamine, not getting anything out of the drugs he usually went for anymore, and when Jay suddenly told him no, it probably should've been a clear sign for San that something was seriously wrong.

San's hands shake as he empties the bottle of random liquor he picked up on his way home. Alcohol doesn't help much, but it is better than nothing at all. Since Jay cut him off, San has had to save the last, tiny amount of cocaine he has left, but going out and finding a new dealer isn't something he wants to do - no matter how much the withdrawal is killing him.

Trustworthy might never be the word anyone would put with the word drug dealer, but he knows Jay and he knows the stuff he can get is clean. Also, the risk of getting caught by an undercover cop or something, isn't quite what he has in his plans for the moment being.

San throws the empty bottle onto the pile of clothing on the floor, before rolling back into bed and the warm body next to him. He doesn't know her name, and he doesn't care, she was simply the first and best piece of hot body who wanted to go home with him from the random nightclub he had stumbled into.

Whether it's his mind or the alcohol that makes his body fail him, is unclear. But getting into the right mood seems impossible. The girl is more than willing, moaning dirty words in his ear, kissing his neck and doing her best trying to get him hard.

But nothing works, not until San closes his eyes and a familiar face pops into his mind. The wavy brown hair, the sparkling eyes and the softest smile San has ever seen. The happiness doesn't last long though, as with anything in San's mind it soon turns destructive instead.

'Hi San.'

'What the fuck? Yeosang! Get out of my head!'

'Sorry, can't. Just like you can't fuck this girl without thinking of my face.'

'That's a fucking lie!

'Then why am I here? It doesn't feel as good as it did with me, does it? Like, she doesn't feel as good.'

'Fuck off!'

'You just can't stop thinking about how good it felt, can you? How good it felt to be inside of me, to hear me moan your name all night long.'

'Seriously, fuck off!'

San shakes his head in frustration, in hopes that the memories of Yeosang's body against his own will disappear. But as the vision of Yeosang starts to fade, and all he sees is the girl underneath him, his body fails him again and he can't stay hard.

"Ah, fuck... I..." he pants, as he eventually gives up. With a groan he rolls down onto his back, next to her.

"Don't worry, babe. Let me help you," she giggles, crawling down between his legs instead. Her soft tongue and warm mouth starts playing with him, but little does it help.

Not until...

'What in the world is she doing?'

'Oh My God! Would you just go away?'

'Oh my... That is not how you like it! Remember how it felt when I did it to you? How you were gasping for air, tugging my hair while panting my name? Oh... Wait, it seems like it's working for you, just thinking about it?'

'Yeosang, leave me alone!'

'Why? Do you want to go soft again? She'll be so disappointed. But then again. That's what you do best, right? Disappoint people. Leave them, make them feel like fucking trash!'

'Please... Leave. Disappear.'

'Don't worry. I'm not even here, San... It's just you... It'll always, only be - you.'

San pinches his eyes closed for a brief moment, letting a small tear roll down his cheek. Disappointed with himself, he pushes the girl away and covers his embarrassment with the duvet.

"Sorry... It's not going to happen tonight. Please, leave..." he mumbles.

"Are you kidding me?" the girl asks, huffing as San rolls his eyes at her.

"Just get out," he then snaps at her, sending her a last glare while she gets out of bed.

And just like that, San is alone again - left with the painful memories of when Yeosang used to be next to him, kissing him with those soft, rosy lips. The beautiful face of the one he had fallen so deeply in love with, but also the one he had hurt deeper than anyone.

✦

The following morning San feels like absolute shit, just like any other morning. Throwing up into the toilet has become an everyday thing by now, and his throat is burning from the abuse.

When he returns to the bedroom, a long shower and several suicidal thoughts later, he sees 17 unanswered calls and 11 texts from Felix. But San doesn't even bother reading or calling back at all. Felix hasn't spoken much with him lately anyway, mostly due to Hyunjin dragging him away every time, and San has no clue why his younger friend suddenly is calling him this many times.

The phone lights up as Felix calls him yet again, and San stares at the screen while the phone rings. His emotions and temper especially have been going crazy the last couple of days, since Jay cut him off, and maybe the adrenaline kick of yelling at someone will help him out just a little?

"Why the fuck do you keep calling me?" San shouts as he picks up the phone, ready to pick a fight with his poor friend, "Told you to leave me the fuck alone!"

"San..." the voice at the other end of the line is hesitant, nervous. "Something happened... To Yeosang..."

"And... Why should I care?"

San dumps down onto the bed, his anger suddenly washed off him as Felix' sobbing voice runs through his ears.

"H-he was on his way to the airport, when..." Felix pauses again, and the silence this time hits San like a huge ocean wave, "When a car hit him... But he hasn't woken up yet... San, please... I'm freaking out here... If you ever cared, please come to the hospital."

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♫ 5 Seconds of Summer - Babylon