______________________

Say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

______________________

SAN

Love.

The word flows through San's ear - into his mind, tearing down any other thought, and deep into his heart. Looking into Yeosang's beautiful eyes, nothing should feel easier than just saying yes. San knows that he loves him, of course he does, but saying it out loud - feeling pressured to saying it, for the first time ever, and when he doesn't feel ready - is harder than he could've ever imagined.

"What? Why are you asking me that?" The question is just as stupid as San feels when he lets the words leave his lips, words that definitely weren't what Yeosang had wanted to hear.

"I... I just... I just need to know..." Yeosang mumbles, blowing a lock of his brown hair away from his face while his eyes are staring at anything but San.

"Why do you need to know right now, though?" San questions. He walks back to the window to light up another cigarette, cursing himself for not being able to just answer that damn question.

He hears the sound of Yeosang dumping down onto the bed behind him, but he doesn't turn around. The late night wind is stroking his face, almost as if it's trying to calm him down.

San has been in his head too much since they day at the cemetery, and his brother's hateful words has fed the shadow that keeps telling San that he's worth nothing - to anyone.

With this many years having passed by, San has forgotten why Sanggyu hates him so much. Maybe it has always been like this? Maybe it was jealousy? He and Sana had been the first pair of twins in the family, ever, and they were seen as the biggest blessing and gift. They were praised to the Heavens and back, leaving Sanggyu in the shadows despite him being the first born child.

But as they grew up, the pressure of being those perfect children had become too much. San didn't understand back then, why Sana tried to break free from what she called 'their parents' grip', but now he knows exactly what she meant.

When Sana died, San felt like half of his soul disappeared with her. Nothing ever felt the same after that, he didn't feel the same.

"San..."

Yeosang's voice is quiet, hesitant, but cutting straight through the memories that are dancing in front of San's eyes, as he stares into the dark night outside. He slowly turns, peeking over his shoulder to look at Yeosang who is sitting on the bed, with his legs pulled up in front of him.

It's not quite a pout, but not quite a frown either that is showing on the younger's face - but it is definitely not a look of satisfaction. San suddenly realizes that the cigarette in his hand has burnt out long ago, and he wonders how long he's been staying silent.

"Yes?"

The sigh that comes from the younger is so close to being silent, but that doesn't mean it isn't there - that he isn't disappointed in the lack of answer. San leans against the windowsill, watching Yeosang fiddle with the drawstrings of the hoodie he had thrown on when Taeyong had knocked on the door.

Love...

The words Yeosang is longing to hear, keep teasing San's tongue. They want to be spoken, pushing against his closed lips while the feeling of them is heating up his cheeks. But he can't.

Yeosang lets out another sigh, and it's clear that he wants to repeat his question, but at the same time he doesn't dare. The brown hair is a mess, curly in some places and just sticking out randomly in others, from when San had tugged it earlier in bed.

Looking at him like this, San knows he doesn't want anyone else to touch Yeosang like that, to kiss him or hold him. To tell him that they love him. The words are burning inside of him now, but saying them out loud will change everything between them. And San doesn't know if he's ready for that - or if he'll ever be.

Love comes with a responsibility, something San has failed at pretty much all his life, which is why he has avoided ever getting too close to anyone. Why waste time on loving someone, when everyone leaves you in the end anyway?

"Yeosang, I..." San finally says, his raspy words climbing up his dry throat.

Yeosang's eyes are so full of hope; the spark that shines from them is briefly pulling San into the belief that they could be happy together, forever.

"Do you?"

But the spark in the younger's eyes is slowly starting to fade, with each and every second of silence that passes by, and San still not giving an answer that will define them, one way or another.

"Well," San clears his throat, his hand diving into his dark hair and frustratedly tugging it while he searches for his next words, "I think the timing is a little strange, for such a question."

San winches at his own words, but they were spoken without his mind even following. Yeosang makes a small eye-roll, as he rises from the bed.

"What do you mean by that?" the younger asks, restlessly walking back and forth in the small apartment.

"I just... Think that's it kinda weird, considering your ex - or whatever you guys are, just showed up outside your door at 1AM? Why did he even come here?"

"I-I don't know? I didn't invite him! I haven't heard from him since Hawaii..."

"But he came here now? To talk to you? In the middle of the night? You need to tell him to fuck off for good! That guy thinks he fucking owns you, Yeosang!"

"And I still don't see how you're any different, San," Yeosang grumbles, his voice lowers and almost spits San's name out, just like when they used to hate each other.

"Why do you keep saying that?"

Yeosang's brows furrow as he glares at San by the window. The spark in his eyes is completely gone now, but something else is showing - almost the hateful look that he had sent San's way at the beginning of their Hawaii trip.

"Why the fuck do you think?" Yeosang then asks, almost in a growl, "Am I only good enough for fucking, or what? Because then I don't get why it's be such a problem for you, if that's all that Taeyong wants too!"

San snorts at Yeosang's words, but each of them hurts him deep inside his heart. The thought of Taeyong ever touching Yeosang again is making San flinch. Yeosang is good for way more than just sex, and he deserves so much more, but maybe Taeyong would actually be able to give him that. If San just let go of him.

"If you want to be with him so badly, why don't you just do that?" A shrug falls from San's shoulders as he turns half-way around to stare out the window again.

Instead of answering Yeosang's question earlier, the one that would've connected them with affection, the conversation has turned into an argument. A stupid, pointless, hurtful argument.

"Is that what you want?" Yeosang asks, and even without looking at him, San knows that he is about to cry from the way his voice shakes.

"It's what you want, isn't it? You've cried over him for months, and now he finally wants you."

"No! I-I don't want him! And even if I did, I don't want to be the second or third choice. You... You said so yourself; I... should always be first priority..."

Yeosang sniffles, quickly drying tears away from his eyes as San turns to face him again. His cheeks have turned into a faded rosy color, from being upset, while his eyes are filled with more tears - threatening to break free.

In his mind, San curses himself for not being able to say those damn words. Yeosang's face is clearly showing the hurt he is feeling inside, and San hates himself for making him feel this way.

But maybe it's all for the better. San knows he'll end up disappoint or hurt Yeosang at some point anyway, so maybe he should just end it before it even starts. No matter how much it will hurt the both of them.

"I... I say a lot of shit to get laid..."

The second the words roll over his tongue, almost echoing throughout the room, San wants to take them back. But it's too late. Yeosang's eyes darken as never before, and his teeth are gritted when he speaks with a shaking voice.

"You are so fucked up..." he says, his trembling hands closing into fists by his sides. "Get out!"

As the door is slammed closed behind him, San almost vomits out the words that he had kept inside. The words that could've saved them.

"I love you, Yeosang..."

But it doesn't matter now, nothing matters at all in this moment. San has learnt by now that the timing of his emotions is just as fucked up as he is, but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less.

Yeosang will get over it, eventually, he'll find someone else - someone who deserves him and who can give him all the love and happiness in the world. Someone who isn't San.

Walking down the stairs and out into the streets outside, San keeps telling himself that this was all for the better. He would've ruined it eventually anyway, just like he's ruined anything else in his life. Yeosang's last words are still burning in his ears, but San knows they are true.

He is fucked up, he does fucked up things and he has no one to blame but himself. In the end it's all him, and it will always only be him.

His hand is slowly starting to clench around the phone in the pocket of his coat. The grip tightens as the thoughts keep piling up inside his mind. In the end all rational thinking has been kicked out in the cold, and San has dialed the number he hasn't used in months.

"Hey, Jay. Can you meet me at Jamsil station in twenty?"

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♫ Nickelback - Save me