MERRY CHRISTMAS <3 and thanks for 9K on this silly story ;__; <3

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Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
An' if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry

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SAN

"S-San..." The sweet taste of Yeosang's lips fades, when he pulls away - his eyes closed and the water from the shower head trickling down his sun-kissed skin.

The soft whisper makes San smile, and he leans in to let his lips dance along the younger's jawline and down his neck. Yeosang hums by the touch, wrapping his arms around San's neck, running his fingers through the wet, dark hair.

Yeosang whimpers when his back touches the cold tiles on the wall behind him, and he instantly presses his body against San's - locking their lips together again.

"We need to stop," San mumbles, struggling as his tongue just keeps slipping into the younger's lovely mouth again, "They others will be back any minute now..."

"Nooo. But, I want you..." Yeosang whines impatiently, and while his naked body is nothing less than absolutely tempting, San has to stop before they get caught.

"Sangie..." A small snicker rolls out with the new nickname, and San promptly turns off the shower.

San would lie if he said it isn't killing him to stop them from going further right now, but Felix and Hyunjin will be back from the supermarket soon. He pushes his wet hair back, taking a good, long look at Yeosang who is pouting so cutely in front of him.

"Later, I promise you," San whispers, leaving a last kiss on Yeosang's lips before stepping out of the shower.

The steam from the shower has filled the room, fogged the mirror and even San's mind seems to be affected by it too. Or maybe it is because of Yeosang's presence. When the younger unwillingly steps out of the shower as well, and wraps himself in a towel, San's heart is racing in his chest.

He has given in to all the cravings of feeling Yeosang's lips against his own, at any given opportunity throughout the day, but it still isn't enough. Perhaps he'll never be able to satisfy his need for Yeosang anymore.

"When we get back to Seoul," San starts off, gently stroking Yeosang's cheeks before tangling his fingers into the wet locks, "I won't leave you alone for one single night."

"Don't say things like that, if we can't do it right now!" The complaint is accompanied by another adorable pout, and San has to fight every single urge in his body that is screaming for him to just take Yeosang up against the wall.

"Come on, let's get dressed and then go to the beach when the others return," San laughs softly.

"Wow... How fun," Yeosang scoffs, rolling his eyes, and San bursts into actual laughter from the younger's neediness.

✧

"San, are you alright man?" Felix suddenly asks, while the guys are waiting for their food to arrive at a nearby restaurant later that day.

"What do you mean?"

"You haven't even hooked up with anyone this trip, seems very unlike you?"

"Oh... I... No cute ones," San replies, shrugging his shoulders while nervously peeking at Yeosang next to him. "And I... Don't need meaningless hook ups to enjoy this trip."

"Wow!" Hyunjin lets out a gasp, even covering his mouth to emphasize his overdramatic reaction, "Our guy is finally growing up!"

Felix and Hyunjin are laughing their asses off, even Yeosang shakes his head with a small laughter. San leans across the table to punch Hyunjin on the shoulder.

"Come on... We're on an amazing vacation, girls in bikinis everywhere and you don't even look at them! There's miles between this guy, and the one who slept with his brother's fiancé!" Felix says, almost on the edge of crying from his laughter.

And then San freezes. That story has been something he's never felt bad about, not even once. But suddenly he feels guilty. Not towards his brother, nor the girl who was more than willingly throwing herself at him.

Slowly, he turns to look at Yeosang. The younger has stopped laughing, and he looks back at San with a questioning face, but he doesn't say anything.

Their food arrives, and the conversation continues in multiple directions at once. But while the others are having loads of fun, San doing the best he can to keep up, he still can't shake the guilt.

As time passes by, and while he watches Yeosang smiling and laughing at Felix' horrible jokes, San realizes it isn't guilt. It's fear. The fear of scaring Yeosang away again, the fear of losing him. And that is the last thing San wants.

✧

"Hey..." San whisper, leaning against the door frame to Yeosang's bedroom. "Can I come in?"

Yeosang looks at him over the shoulder, and the seconds before he answers feels like forever. He finally nods, and San steps inside with a small sigh of relief.

"Listen, I... I know I've done so pretty fucked up things in my life..." he quietly mumbles, sitting down to Yeosang on the bed.

"San... It's okay... You don't have to explain..." The tone in Yeosang's voice is hard to read, but it doesn't matter to San - he has to say these things, and he has to do it right now.

"No. It's not okay. And I do need to explain, to you. As much as I'm capable of right now at least. I... I slept with my brother's fiancé a couple of years ago. I'm not trying to come up with any excuse, but my brother and I... We hate each other, and we've both done unforgivable things. But yes, I was angry with him and I did that to hurt him... To be honest, I've been sick and tired of my life for a very long time. I didn't give a shit about anything or anyone... Not even about myself in the end. But then... Then I met... you."

Yeosang's eyes light up, and his lips parts just slightly, but he doesn't say anything at all. In an almost shocked state, he listens to San's next words.

"You were the most annoying person I'd ever met, but... Sangie I... You've made me feel things I thought I'd never feel. I guess I've felt something for you for quite a while now, but I only just realized it a couple of weeks ago. And then... When I came to your place and Taeyong opened the door I..."

"What? When did you come by my place?" Yeosang suddenly cuts in. A frown starts to show on his face, as he leans in towards San on the bed.

"That morning... After I was such a fucking idiot, and tried to hurt you, kissing that girl at work... But I felt so bad, and I went to your place because I wanted to see you, but Taeyong said you didn't want to see me, and that you would always be his and I just..." San rambles on, his words and thoughts not following each other anymore.

Suddenly he just stops, his mind completely blank and small distressed tears hanging from the corners of his eyes.

"You... You came over? I-I didn't know..." Yeosang quietly mumbles.

San nods while his eyes are staring at the sheet, which he is drawing circles onto with his finger. He felt his heart stop in that moment Yeosang said those words, but at this point he isn't sure how to react to it. All this time he's been angry with Yeosang for not showing any reaction to San coming by that morning, only to find out the younger never knew about it...

"I'm sorry... But I had no idea..." Yeosang wraps his arms around San's neck, and when San finally looks up, his lips are instantly met by the younger's.

Yeosang moves to sit on top of San, one leg on each side and their bodies pressed as closely together as their lips are.

"Yeosang I... I think that I'm..." San whispers, as he carefully breaks the kiss. 

"I think that I am too..."

Maybe neither of them are ready to finish this particular sentence yet, but both of them know what it means. What they mean to each other.

✧

The morning dew is still spread across the grass, when San walks towards his destination. His steps get heavier by each he takes, and the pain that's usually locked inside his chest is slowly unfolding.

It's been years since he last came to this place - although he wanted to visit several times, he just couldn't. His hand is clenched around the bouquet he is carrying, the roses dangling back and forth as he walks.

Since he came back from the vacation, San has felt more alive than he has in years. He has felt happy, and that he wants to make this life worth living - not only because of Yeosang, but because of himself too. It is time to make things right, as much as he possibly can.

But as he turns a corner, his heart stops. This morning he had felt this was the right day to go here, but within a second everything falls apart inside of him. Their eyes meet, and it's too late for him to turn around and run away.

"W-what are you doing here?" San whispers, a lump growing in his throat blocking the way for his words.

"I could ask you the same thing? I've never seen you come here, have you even been here once before?" Sanggyu replies through gritted teeth.

San tries to swallow the lump in his throat, but to no use. Unwillingly he takes the last couple of steps until he stands next to his brother. Sanggyu lets a short sigh flow into the air, his hands in the pockets of his trench coat while he side eyes his younger brother.

The silence that follows their cold greeting, is more than welcome to San who surely wants to leave more than anything - but he won't give his brother the satisfaction.

"It's been nine years already..." Sanggyu silently mutters, "Nine years..."

"Yes..." San mumbles back. His palms are starting to sweat while he anxiously awaits his brother's next words. Sanggyu never misses an opportunity to talk down to him, so today definitely won't be any different.

"You've wasted nine years of your life," he then says, "aren't you tired of this life, San?"

-

"Aren't you tired of this life, Sannie?" she tilted her head to the left, her long hair waving about in the evening wind. The light shining through the windows, from the party inside the house, lit up her face. "Come on, let's live a little!"

San shuffled his feet on the stone tiles of the balcony they were standing on, nervously tugging the sleeves of the shirt which was too big for him.

"I-I just think we should go inside again," he mumbled, but she either didn't hear or didn't care.

But there was nothing new to that. Whenever an idea popped into her head, she just had to go through with it - and San would follow her. Always.

"I'm just so sick and tired of being controlled all the time! Just look at this party, these people! Aren't you having the best time of your life here? And they forbid us to go!" she complained, swaying her arms around, the poorly mixed liquor in her plastic cup splashing over the edge and down onto the tiles.

San just shrugged his shoulders, he knew better than to argue with her, although he didn't want to go himself. They were only sixteen, and he understood the concern about them going to a party held by some seniors from their high school.

But San would do anything for her, go to the end of the world and back if she asked him to. Maybe it was a twin thing?

"And Sanggyu, he's so fucking boring!" she laughed, hopping up to sit on the railing of the balcony. San winced by her use of cuss words, she always took any opportunity to use them, but they burnt in San's ears each time.

With the stars painted so clearly on the night sky above them, San briefly forgot about his worries. The plastic cup in his hand was still more than half-full, he had no idea what she had mixed together but it tasted absolutely horrible. San swore he'd never be much of a drinker, because everything he'd tasted so far had been more than nasty.

When she emptied her cup, the fifth already, San wondered if anyone actually truly enjoyed drinking alcohol. And especially her. She had been such an angel growing up, never did anything wrong to anyone. Always top of the class student, always did her chores around the house with no complaints, and spent all her free time on her homework or ballet classes.

Slowly, everything had started to change. Maybe it had happened within the last year, maybe two? San wasn't sure. But his sister clearly had had enough of their parents' controlling behavior. And although all San wanted was for them both to go home, before their parents would find out that they had snuck out, he knew it would be a lost battle.

"Sannie, can you go get me one more?" she asked, her lips forming into a cute pout, which she knew he couldn't say no to.

"I... Sure..." San took the cup from her hand, although he wanted to tell her she probably had had more than enough already.

Inside the house, the party was going strong in every single room. San shoved himself through the crowd of the people, to get to the bar that had been set up for the night. With no clue on what to do, he just grabbed the two closest things and mixed it together.

"San!" she exclaimed happily as San returned to the balcony.

She had been joined by some other guests outside, all of them clearly intoxicated, and San almost dropped the cup when he stepped outside.

"S-Sana, what are you doing? Get down from there!" he cried out, panic pulling his face into a distressed grimace.

But she just laughed, walking with wobbly steps on the railing of the balcony.

"I told the others I could do this, it's just like ballet classes, but actual fun!" she laughed, while everyone around was cheering.

"Sana, please!"

"Come on, Sannie, why are you so boring? I swear, if you become as boring as Sanggyu..."

And that was when it happened, the small misstep which caused both of their lives to change within a second. San screamed at the same time as she did, and he threw himself towards the railing at the same time as she fell from it.

He swore he merely touched her hand, and that he could have saved her. He was so close, he could have. But he didn't...

-

"Aren't you?" Sanggyu repeats.

"Could you just... Not talk to me right now?" San mumbles, tears welling up in his eyes from the memories that won't leave him alone.

"No, I can't," Sanggyu scoffs, "I lost my sister because of you!"

San turns half-way away from his brother, pinching his eyes closed as the tears are rolling down his cheeks.

"S-she was my sister too..." he merely whispers.

"You lost the rights to call her that, after that night!"

"I-I didn't even want to go to that stupid party!" San yells, losing all his remaining self-control and giving his brother exactly what he wanted; to see San like the absolute mess that he is.

"But you did so anyway. And you know why, San? Because you're weak! How many suicide attempts did you go through? Two? Three? You will never be anything but weak! And a waste of life."

"You know the second time was an accident!" San growls, clenching his hand so hard around the bouquet that the thorns of the roses dig into his skin.

"The only thing I know is this," Sanggyu says, stepping closer, his eyes burning like fire when he stands himself right in front of San, "Next time you decide to overdose, I hope that I'll be the only available doctor at the ER, and I swear to God, San, next time - I will let you fucking die in your own goddamn misery!"

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♫ Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine