___________________________

You can't blame me, darling
Not even a little bit, I was away
I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch
Who can't admit when he's sorry

___________________________

SAN

"That was kinda rude," Felix mumbles, as soon as Yeosang has left.

"So? It's true though?" San rolls his eyes, lighting up a cigarette while once again not giving a damn about Hongjoong's 'no smoking inside the club'-rule

Felix and Hyunjin send each other a look, but San simply ignores them. Everything Yeosang does and says is starting to get on San's nerves. He cringes so hard it physically hurts when they are forced to work together - he almost misses the times when he was put together with Seonghwa behind the bar.

But the feeling, which is dominant within San is disappointment. He feels disappointed that he actually ended up falling in love with someone - something he has tried so hard to avoid all his life. Disappointed in Yeosang, and that he got back together with Taeyong despite everything that has happened between them. And disappointed that Yeosang hasn't reacted to San coming by his apartment two weeks ago.

Sure, he didn't speak with Yeosang that day, but he assumes that the younger was at home, and the lack of reaction had been painful to get through. The hurt of hearing Yeosang use the term "boyfriend" about Taeyong, had instantly turned into rage.

San curses Yeosang and his lack of will-power. Taeyong is going to hurt him again, San is sure of that, but in the end that's Yeosang's problem - and San shouldn't care about that nor him, just like Yeosang obviously doesn't care about San either.

"Whatever... I don't know what's going on between you guys now, but you better make up soon, I have big plans for my birthday!" Felix then says.

"What do you mean?" a sigh leaves with his words, as San glares at his blonde friend, already anxious what he's planned this year. Felix is known to always go all out on his birthday, and this year is no exception.

"Well, there'll be a party, of course," he starts off, looking at Hyunjin who nods right away in fear of not showing enough support for Felix' newest idea, "But! We will also do something else this year, since I'm turning twenty-five! We need to celebrate that I'm half-way dead already."

"You're going to die when you turn fifty?" San scoffs.

"No? Thirty?"

"Twenty-five is not half-way to thirty though," San then points out, already knowing he won't win this one, despite him being painfully right.

"Uhm, yes? It is half-way through my twenties, so?"

"Lee, that's not how math works..."

"Anyway," Felix snorts, holding his hand up in front of San as a somewhat more polite way of telling him to shut up. "I have, are you guys ready, booked a vacation for us!"

San and Hyunjin share a look, both unsure on what to say. Felix has jumped up from his seat at his great announcement, and had he had some confetti he would've thrown it all around by now.

"And before you make complaints, I've already checked in with Hongjoong, and everything is cleared! We are good to go! WE ARE GOING TO HAWAII, BITCHES!"

"Call me bitch again, and I'll kick you in the face," Hyunjin scoffs, trying to fight off Felix who is dragging him and San into a group hug.

"Don't be such a bitch, bitch, do you want a free vacation or not?" Despite his small size, Felix is surprisingly strong and San sighs as he lets the other forcefully hug him.

"Fine, when are we leaving?" Hyunjin then laughs, tugging his shirt back in place when Felix finally lets go of them again.

"In two weeks! I wanted to make it closer to my actual birthday, but it didn't fit with Yeosang's studies."

"Yeosang?" the name barely makes it over San's parted lips, and he stares at Felix. One thing is to be forced onto a vacation, to a sunny place which is something San surely hates, but having to spend that vacation with Yeosang too? Hell fucking no.

"Yes? He's coming too, of course! This is going to be SO great!"

"Sure... Great..." San grumbles into his glass, emptying it in one go. The hotel Felix has chosen better have a really good bar...

✧

An already burnt out cigarette butt is dangling between San's lips, as he sits outside one of the many entrances to the airport, while he watches the many people coming and going. He likes to watch other people, wondering where they are going, how their lives are - if any of them are feeling just as lost as he is.

Hyunjin has gone to the bathroom, while Felix and Yeosang are running late because of traffic. Felix has texted multiple times with updates about how far the cab they are sharing has come, not that San has opened any of those messages though.

He briefly chuckles from the thought of how pressed that poor cab driver must feel right now; Felix is a complete monster when it comes to running late - and especially if it has even the slightest thing to do with his birthday. Felix is the definition of a birthday-zilla, and the preparation for party he is planning to throw when they get back, is going to be a struggle to get through.

San throws the cigarette butt on the ground, before heading inside again to find Hyunjin. They meet up at the check-in counter, and Hyunjin keeps looking at his watch, while impatiently tapping his foot on the floor.

"Fuck yes, vacay!" a loud, familiar voice finally shouts behind them, echoing through the entire terminal.

The blonde hair is waving around his face, as Felix comes sprinting towards them, his suitcase dragged so fast over the floor that the small wheels are barely touching it. Yeosang is following behind him, not nearly as excited though, and when he and San locks eyes with each other the younger quickly looks away again.

"That was about goddamn time!" Hyunjin laughs and he immediately looks way more relaxed.

San on the other hand, couldn't be anymore tense when he realizes that his and Yeosang's seats on the plane are next to each other. Here comes 9 hours of pure hell.

Being seated at the window is probably preferred by most, since you can lean to one side without touching the person next to you and all that, but to San it is quite annoying in this particular scenario - and to Yeosang even more.

"Do you want to switch, or what?" Yeosang grumbles, getting up from his seat to make room for San to get through, as he returns from the toilet for probably the fifth time.

"No, I'm good," San replies with a fake smile, dumping down by the window again.

Yeosang sighs as he sits down as well, putting his headphones back on. Yeosang keeps falling asleep to whatever movie he is currently watching, while San just stares out the window - not that there's anything in particular to look at though. Meanwhile, he tries to kill time with as much alcohol he can get from the drink cart, before they realize he's getting rather tipsy already.

At one point he does manage to drift off to sleep, and when he wakes up again he feels something on his shoulder. He feels a little bewildered from all the drinking, but he soon realizes it is Yeosang who has fallen asleep with his head tilted to the side.

San slowly turns his head, only for his nose to get caught in the wild forest of Yeosang's messy hair. He doesn't want to do it, but he ends up taking a deep inhalation of the younger's scent, only to hurt himself of course. With a little shake of his shoulder, San manages to get Yeosang to move. Yeosang mumbles in his sleep before his head tilts to the other side instead, and San sighs with relief - but he doesn't feel any less tense.

✧

Felix has definitely went all in this year, booking a bungalow for them to stay in, four bedrooms and a shared kitchen and living area. But the best part is the view outside. The bungalow is only a short walk away from the ocean, and everything looks just like a dream.

The four of them drop their luggage off in each of the rooms, before they meet up in the living room, lounging in the big couches. The flight was long, but the heat alone in this place is more than enough to knock them out.

But Felix has made a whole schedule of, what he likes to call it, fun - although the others do complain about schedule and fun don't really go together. In the end no one wants to argue with him though, since it's his birthday trip, and they are soon heading out again to eat at a restaurant Felix has chosen for the night.

Dinner is a struggle to get through, San has to bite his tongue several times not to start a meaningless argument with Yeosang. No matter what the younger says, San feels his blood boil and as he starts drinking it doesn't get better at all - quite the opposite actually.

As soon as dinner is over, Felix leads them to a bar he has seen on Instagram, and San is already dreading what will happen when more alcohol gets consumed.

The fear of not being able to keep his mouth shut much longer, is coming to life when Felix asks Hyunjin to go to the bar with him to get a second round of drinks, while Yeosang and San wait at the table.

Yeosang is busy with his phone, probably texting Taeyong, and his elbows are resting against the table while he holds his phone in front of his face. He keeps tapping his foot against the floor, making the movements run through the table as well - much to San's annoyance.

"Would you stop doing that?" San grumbles, with a cold glare towards the younger at the opposite side of the table.

"Would you mind your own business?" Yeosang snaps back, not looking away from his phone for even one second.

"God, you're so fucking annoying! If only you knew just how annoying you are, you'd kick yourself in your annoying face!" While rolling his eyes, San empties the last sip of his drink, looking in despair at the long queue for the bar. It will take forever for Felix and Hyunjin to return to the table, and San considers just going back to the hotel already.

"Well, aren't you just the true speaker-of-facts-that-no one-wants-to-hear these days?" Yeosang scoffs, his eyes briefly moving to look at San, before returning to the phone in his hands.

"Oh, are you still pissed that I exposed your precious boyfriend, as being the married prick that he is? Sleeping around like this."

San leans back in his chair, crossing his arms while glaring at Yeosang. The younger quickly frowns when he hears San's words, and he finally puts the phone down.

"You know very well that that marriage is fake! And it was none of your business to tell the others!" he practically growls, and San has to fight off a gloating smirk.

"Both you and Taeyong can use the word fake all that you want, but in the end it's the truth. He is fucking married, Yeosang, and it will never be to you - even if he and Joy split up. You will always be second choice, and you know that! So the only thing that is fake, is your delusional idea that he actually loves you!" he then says, unable to stop himself from poking the bear.

The way Yeosang's eyes light up with rage, is only making San determined to piss him off even more.

"Shut the fuck up, San! No one fucking asked you about your opinion!"

"You dragged me into your mess, so I think I'm entitled to have an opinion about this."

"You seem bored, San. Why don't you go out and play some naive girls instead? Go break some more hearts, you're obviously a master of doing so," Yeosang then says with an obviously sarcastic smile.

"Why do you care about me breaking anyone's heart?"

"Why do you care so much about my relationship?"

"Holy shit the line for the bar was fucking endless!" Felix suddenly shouts behind them, placing two trays of shots on the table. Hyunjin is following behind him, trying to carry four drinks in his hands without dropping them on the floor. "So, what are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing," both San and Yeosang reply at the same time, looking away in different directions.

"Alrighty?" Felix says with a brief frown, before his face lights up while he picks up the first shot glass, "Well! It's Saturday, and you all know what that means! Shots! Cheers, guys!"

The twenty shots are soon gone, and San knows he should stop drinking - but he can't, and he doesn't want to. Every time he looks at Yeosang, the loving feeling he had felt towards him, only a few weeks ago, fades more and more, and soon he only looks at him in resentment.

When Yeosang announces that he feels kind of ill, making up a lame excuse to leave - blaming the seafood they had for dinner, San feels relieved that he doesn't have to look at him for the rest of the night at least.

San has completely forgotten how he loved to kiss those rosy lips, and how amazing it had felt to fall asleep next to him. He feels disgusted that he ever felt attracted to Yeosang, and that was himself who had been the one taking the initiative for them to sleep together.

Because looking at Yeosang now, the only thing San feels - is hatred.

________________________

♫ Harry Styles - To be so lonely

A/N: No, I don't know how Felix can afford taking all of them to Hawaii... This is a fanfiction, okay xD
(Also, yes, all of them are obviously aged up to fit the story. Don't hate.)

- Thanks for all your great comments on my A/N in the previous chapter! You all agree what the answer on my question is, let's see if you're right in the next one! ~~