_______________________

You can't feel me, no
Like I feel you
I can't steal you, no
Like you stole me

_______________________

SAN

San can't do anything, but helplessly watch Yeosang disappear down the dark hallway. Closing the door to his apartment, feels like closing the door to the chance of anything ever happening between them. Walking back into the bedroom, San wants nothing more than to just disappear. Or to be left alone at least.

On his way home from the engagement party, he had swung by a random nightclub and gotten so wasted out of his mind that he didn't even care when a random girl had thrown herself at him. He had wanted to drown the feelings inside of him, with alcohol or with her, as he thought those feelings never would be returned anyway.

First time falling in love has already turned into his first heartbreak.

San scoffs at the irony in that thought, but his face turns into a deep frown the second he sees the girl on his bed. Sure, she is hot, and yes, they had been going at it real good before Yeosang had shown up. But now his mind is somewhere else completely.

When he sits down on the bed again, back turned to whatever her name is, he sighs heavily while burying his face in his hands. How could this happen to him? How could he fall in love with someone, and have messed it up already? His body itches when the girl lays her arms around him from behind. Her soft kisses burn on his skin, and he wants to push her away. But he doesn't.

Instead he reaches over to grab the open bottle of Whiskey they had both been drinking from, when they got to his place, and he takes a big sip of it – hoping that the intoxication will help him forget the pain, if only for a brief moment.

"Are you okay?" the girl asks, her long nails scratching his skin, like her voice in his ears.

"Yeah... Of course," San replies, chugging down what could probably be counted at five shots at once. "Now, where were we?"

Getting on top of her again is the last thing he wants to do right now, but he needs to distract himself, and fucking her is the easiest solution after all. Or so he thought.

Her sweet moans are doing nothing for him, his body is numb and he feels nothing. Not even lust. All he can think of is the hurt look on Yeosang's face before he had run away.

After a few failed attempts of getting hard again, San sends the girl away - she didn't leave without complaints though, but San doesn't care at all, he just needs to get her out of his sight.

✧

San feels like shit, having to meet up with the guys for dinner the following week. Yeosang hasn't had a shift at work since the engagement party, but both he and San had agreed to go out for dinner with Felix and Hyunjin prior to the night at the JW Marriott.

"I haven't had sex in like three weeks!" Felix complains, practically slamming his hands against the table.

"Wow, that's pretty serious! Do you need medical help?" Hyunjin laughs, ducking down as Felix jumps up, trying to slap him.

"Do you need a punch in the face?" Felix rolls his eyes, sitting back down on his chair. "But yes, it's pretty serious. I hope there'll be some cuties at the club tonight."

San keeps side eyeing Yeosang, while his two other friends are busy discussing girls, but Yeosang doesn't look at him. Not even once. Instead he just spins his empty Soju glass around on the table, his lips pursed together, while his eyes intensely watches the small glass in his hand.

"What about you, Choi?" Felix then asks, nudging San's elbow. "Did you get to take that hottie home last weekend?"

"W-What do you mean?" With a small sigh, San looks away from Yeosang and turns to his blonde friend.

"The girl you posted photos with on your story last Friday?"

San's eyes widen when he hears Felix' words. He's completely forgotten putting anything online, but now that he is reminded, a small glimpse of the girl being way too pushy about him doing it, is ringing through his memory. He didn't even check his phone the following day himself, and any other reminder of it had passed by unnoticed.

He hesitantly takes a quick peek at Yeosang, who now is looking back at him, but the look in the brown eyes is unreadable.

"I..." San rubs his neck in despair. Yeosang already knows what happened, so why even try to deny it. It would just make everything even worse. "Yeah..."

"Nice. She looked hot," Felix says with a nod, before returning to his food.

The conversation continues, still without San nor Yeosang really taking part in it. San downs another shot of Soju, but it won't stop his heart from pounding so hard in his chest that it hurts.

"Hey, Yeosang?" Hyunjin suddenly says, "What about you though? Are you seeing anyone these days? Or should we look for someone cute for you to hook up with as well?"

San glares at Hyunjin, who unknowingly tries to help his friends out.

"No thanks, I'm all set already," Yeosang flips his brown hair away from his eyes, as he responds. His eyes are locked onto the shot glass again, as he continues spinning it around.

"Oh!" Felix exclaims, actually putting his chopsticks down at this new information he's been given. "Tell us about it then!"

"Sure," Yeosang suddenly looks up, right into San's surprised eyes, and a cold shiver rolls down San's spine as it happens. "But I have to leave now. Promised Hongjoong to come in early tonight, we have to do some alteration to my contract now that I'm back in school. I'll tell you later, okay?"

When Yeosang has left the table, San starts feeling uneasy like never before. The look the younger had sent him is persistently poking its way into his mind again, and he can't help but wonder what it meant. The train of thought is spiraling out of control, and suddenly it hits him... But it couldn't possible be... Could it?

"I'll be right back..." he mumbles, getting up from his seat and rushing out the door. A horrible feeling is spreading like a deep pain in his stomach, as he runs down the street. "Yeosang, wait!"

Yeosang turns around, hands in his pockets as he looks at San, his head tilted to the side. As San catches up, the words in his throat feel like vomit. Something he doesn't want to let out, but he has to.

"W-Why did you come to my place after the engagement party?"

"I..." Yeosang sighs, his eyes flickering about. "I just... Wanted to apologize for ditching you at the party."

As a small shrug falls from Yeosang's shoulders, so does San's heart. The answer isn't what he had hoped for, and he turns his face away while lighting up a cigarette, to act like he doesn't care. But the next question, the one he's truly fearing, is burning on his tongue.

"Did you.... Did you sleep with him?"

"... Yes," the short reply flows out between them, and hits San right in the heart.

"W-Why?"

"Why? I don't know why, San. Why does anyone sleep with anyone, really?" Yeosang shrugs his shoulders again, and his seemingly careless behavior is making the entire situation even more hard for San to pull through.

"Okay, whatever," San rolls his eyes, letting the smoke flow from his lips, rolling his eyes like he doesn't care. "I'll see you at work."

✧

San had prepared himself for a long, awkward shift at work, having to be behind the same bar as Yeosang as usual. So it took him by surprise when Hyunjin suddenly came walking around the corner and joined him.

Yeosang had asked for Hyunjin and himself to switch bar tonight, making him pair up with Seonghwa at the other one in the opposite side of the night club.

"Dude, what's going on with you?" Hyunjin asks, tapping San's shoulder.

Everything seems so strangely difficult to do tonight. Mixing the cocktails right, finding the things he needs, even picking up a clean glass without dropping it. Or just not dropping things in general. A few glasses and bottles had to be sacrificed along the way, in the uncontrollable hands of San.

San's head spins around and around, while his heart is going crazy in his chest. He feels both relieved and sad that he isn't going to be working with Yeosang tonight. But at the same time he isn't sure he could even stand to look at him right now.

The thought of Yeosang sleeping with Taeyong is tearing him apart. He can't think of anything else, and each and every second that passes by feels like hours, and an intense pain is tensing up his body.

But right there, in the middle of his own despair, a new thought pops into his head. If Yeosang slept with Taeyong that night, why did he come to San's place afterwards? San assumes it had been afterwards, considering hours had passed since Yeosang had left him at the hotel, and until he showed up outside his doorstep.

"Hey, San." A hand suddenly shakes his shoulder, and San looks back to see Hongjoong frowning at him.

"Y-yeah?"

"I think you should just take the rest of the night off," Hongjoong then says. The slight concern that lies in his voice is something San has never heard coming from him before. Not when speaking to him, at least.

"Why?"

"Just seems like you need it. And you've been doing a pretty great job lately anyway, so... I'll send Chen over to take over. Get some rest." Hongjoong sends him a nod before leaving the bar area again.

✧

An hour later San has absolutely no intentions of going home. Instead he sits at a table in the middle of the night club, with his fifth, sixth, maybe seventh drink in his hand. A girl in a purple, very low cut, dress is sitting next to him, trying to get his attention.

Up until now, San has ignored her very existence, being more occupied getting wasted, while stealing painful looks in Yeosang's direction. His mind is a mess, he can't stop thinking about Yeosang leaving that night, about him kissing someone else, sleeping with someone else.

San knows it's hypocritical of him to feel and think like this since he also slept with someone else that night, but he can't help it. This is different. Yeosang has been hooked up on Taeyong for so long, and if there's even the smallest chance of them getting back together, San knows that it's over for him.

He clenches the glass in his trembling hand, staring at Yeosang who is busy working behind the bar. The colorful club light is lighting up his face, making him look even more beautiful than usual. Unattainable.

Pain is eating San up from the inside, and when Yeosang suddenly looks up and their eyes meet, it results in him doing something without even thinking. Something really foolish.

The girl is practically already sitting on top of him, and he pulls her closer and smacks his lips onto hers. While shoving his tongue into her mouth, San glares in Yeosang's direction and their eyes meet again. Yeosang stays paralyzed for a few seconds before looking away, clearly stressed out.

When letting go of the girl again, San grabs her hand and makes his way to the bar with her behind him. He has lost control over his own body, and his brain seems to be inactive as well. Whatever he is doing right now can't ever turn out good. But he doesn't care.

Yeosang is not in love with him, and San will show the younger that he doesn't mean anything either.

Even though that is the biggest lie of his life.

"Hey, can we get two gin & tonics?" he asks, standing face to face with Yeosang, who just slowly nods with a blank expression on his face.

San watches him like a hawk while he is making the drinks, and waits for the moment where he looks up again. As soon as it happens, San press himself against the girl again. Her back is against the counter which makes San able to stare at Yeosang, while making out with her.

Yeosang stops in the middle of a movement, his eyes widens up within a second, before he pulls himself away from San's stare and finishes the drinks, with his hair covering his eyes.

"Oh, sorry. We won't need these anyway," San says scornfully, as Yeosang places the two glasses in front of him. He the wraps his arm around the girl, who giggles while kissing him on the neck. "Could you tell Felix and Hyunjin that I've left already? Thanks."

Just as San turns to leave, Yeosang catches his eyes, and the way he glares at him makes San stop. He has never seen Yeosang like this, his entire face darkens and the look in his eyes is burning through San's soul. Burning with nothing but pure rage.

If it weren't for the girl, trying to drag him with her, San would've been standing there, frozen, for the rest of his life. But when Yeosang withdraws his angry stare, San's body almost collapses and he stumbles through the crowd, not knowing right from wrong anymore.

✧

When the sun starts to rise outside, San still hasn't fallen asleep. He came home only a couple of hours ago, regretting everything he has said and done tonight.

As he slowly is starting to sober up, the long shower he took the second he came home helping him on his way as well, he pinches his eyes closed, tears rolling down his cheeks. The reason as to why he chose to do as he did, to hurt Yeosang like that, is unclear to him but he hates himself for doing it.

"Fuck..." San mumbles, eyes still closed. "Fuck, fuck, fuck..."

The second he opens his eyes, he knows what to do. He promptly rolls out of bed, almost falling down onto the floor in his hurry, and finds the first and best outfit in his closet. His eyes are red, when he takes a quick look at himself in the mirror, but it's the least of his worries when he storms out the door.

He needs to get himself together, stop being so scared of his own feelings, and stop acting like an immature jerk. He needs make things right again, even if it means having to expose his vulnerable heart in front of another person.

But if that person is Yeosang, maybe it won't be that bad after all...

~

"Yeosang!" San bursts out, the second the door starts to open, but his words and everything around him disappears into a deep, black hole as he sees who's on the other side.

It's him.

It's Taeyong.

"What... What are you doing here?" San's voice gradually lowers as he speaks, but he already knows the answer. The way Taeyong looks says it all.

Taeyong glares at him, casually leaning against the doorframe. His shirt is unbuttoned, hair is messy and his exposed chest is decorated with red scratch marks. San swallows a big lump in his throat, doing his best to act like the situation doesn't affect him at all, but inside he is falling apart. Taeyong doesn't scare him, it's the thought of what he and Yeosang are doing that does.

"I could ask you the same thing?" Taeyong says, with a perfect brow raised, "Yeosang doesn't want to see you. So why are you here?"

"I just need to talk with him..." A deep pain unfolds in San's stomach, making even breathing hurt.

"We're kind of busy right now, San," Taeyong smirks, his voice carrying the same degrading tone that San's brother uses when speaking to him, and anger starts to take over inside of San when he hears it. "Actually, why don't you just stay away altogether? You're a waste of Yeosang's time anyway."

"Why don't you just stay away? Do you even care about him?" San forces the words through his gritted teeth, while his clenched fists are twitching at his sides, "You were just jealous that Yeosang had moved on from you, and you hate that! You hated that you, for the probably the first time in your life, couldn't just get what you wanted! Must be hard to live such an easy, privileged life!" 

Taeyong's eyes widen up for a brief second, actually looking impressed by San's words. But he soon returns to his usual demeaning, face-punch-able look.

"Well, don't you have me all figured out? Guess you're more than just a pretty face," Taeyong scoffs, taking a step outside the apartment – holding the door shut behind him. "But you're wrong about one thing. As you can see, I always get what I want. I had actually come to terms with the fact that we were truly over this time, but what can I do when he calls me up, begging me to come and fuck him again? And... You know what he's like in bed, right? So needy. Who could say no to that."

As the smirk on Taeyong's face grows, so does the rage inside of San. How dare this asshole talk about Yeosang in such a way? But Taeyong isn't done yet, and San has to fight every urge in his body that screams for him to beat Taeyong down, right there in the hallway.

"We might never be official, but Yeosang is mine. He will always be mine. No matter what happens between us, he'll always come running back to me at any given chance he gets. So why don't you just give up, San? You'll never be able to compete with me anyway." With those words Taeyong walks into the apartment again, slamming the door shut in San's stunned face.

Taeyong is right. San will never be able to compete with him... Taeyong is gorgeous, handsome, he can give Yeosang anything in the entire world. People like Taeyong will always win, no matter what.

And people like San, will always be losers.

___________________

♫ The Pretty Reckless - You