__________________________

When I have nowhere left I can run away
Will you lie to me, tell me I'll be okay?

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SAN

"Taeyong used to be so sweet to me, always making sure I was happy. Texting and calling me all the time, whenever we were apart. I can't escape the thought of what could've happened, if we had stayed together..."

San silently watches how Yeosang's eyes sparkle when he talks about Taeyong, and a strange feeling pinches San's heart as the story continues. Yeosang just stares out the window while he talks, completely lost in the memories of his ex-boyfriend.

The odd, new feeling has soon turned into San's heart racing in the cage of his chest, and San has to use his willpower to slowly pull his eyes away from the younger. He furrows his brows in despair of this unknown feeling inside of him, and the lack of knowing how to deal with it.

It has been years since it last felt natural for him to care about another human being, but seeing Yeosang this sad has awakened something within San. Something he was sure was dead and gone a long time ago. When tears had been rolling down the younger's flushed cheeks, San had dried them away without even thinking about what he was doing.

"I know our break up was bad, but I... I guess I'm scared I'll never truly get over him..." Yeosang continues, his voice starting to tremble again.

"You will," San mutters, looking down at his own hands to avoid eye contact, "you just need to meet someone new. And not someone like the guy from tonight."

"I'm sorry for dragging you into my mess..."

The sadness caused by guilt, which shows itself in Yeosang's voice, hits San right in the heart and he finally turns his head to look at the younger again.

"It's fine," San quietly mumbles, "but, why did you even agree to meet with some stranger like that?"

"I... Well, it's stupid but... I'm going to my best friend's engagement party soon. And I wanted to find a date beforehand...Because..." Yeosang sighs heavily, his eyes finding their way to San's while he briefly purses his lips together. "Because my friend is getting married to Taeyong's cousin, which means that..."

"He is going to be there..." San finishes the sentence, as Yeosang once again looks like he's on the very edge of breaking down.

Yeosang nods, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. His cheeks are still a bit rosy from crying earlier. Rosy like his lips, which San can't stop his eyes from being drawn to.

"You need to let go of him. I know it's hard, but he is hurting you even though he isn't even here..." the words weigh heavily on San's own heart as he speaks.

Giving advice is definitely easier than following them yourself, and San wishes that he could do as he had just told Yeosang to do. Just let go. Being way too familiar with being hurt with something from the past, San realizes he doesn't want Yeosang to be hurting in the same way.

His hand moves to wrap around his other arm, clinging around his own hurtful past, and he remembers the scars that are spread all over Yeosang's upper arm. Back when he first saw them, San did wonder why a guy like Yeosang would ever do something like that to himself. But the answer seems pretty clear now, and San curses the guy from the younger's high school days. A guy like that deserves nothing but hell. At the same time San starts feeling a little guilty about his own actions.

"Yeosang... I'm sorry that I said sex doesn't mean anything," he suddenly hears himself say, "I didn't know... How you actually felt, and I apologize if you felt that I forced myself onto you."

"It's okay," Yeosang breaks into a wry smile, as he looks at San, "I wanted to do it with you. Besides, apart from tonight, I don't let it affect me too much anymore. I've had years of therapy, and I try to put it behind me as much as possible. But some days are just harder than others..."

Yeosang's eyes shift away, briefly resting on San's arm where the deep scars are hiding underneath the black shirt. San quietly nods, immediately catching the indication of the unsaid understanding between the two of them.

"Don't worry about it, please. You made me feel really good, in case you didn't know," Yeosang says, with a small chuckle, while a light pink color tints his cheeks. "But... Maybe we should just stay as friends from now on? With no benefits, I mean."

The smile on Yeosang's face is endearing, and his words do make sense. But while San nods in agreement, he feels like a war is breaking out in his mind. The thing with Yeosang didn't mean anything special to him just ten seconds ago, so how come the end of it hits him like this?

✧

The sun has started to rise, but San has pulled the curtains shut to keep the sunlight out. Yeosang has fallen asleep on the bed, while San restlessly wanders around in circles. The temptation that is still lying in the pocket of his jacket is calling him, making every little inch of his body itch. But when he looks at Yeosang, he seems to forget all about it.

San has become pretty exhausted too by now. Almost 7AM and he still hasn't slept since he woke up yesterday. Despite trying his best to crawl into bed unnoticed, Yeosang wakes up just as San lies down next to him.

"Oh... I'm sorry," the younger mumbles as he rolls over to lie on his side, facing San, "I must've fallen asleep. Do you want me to leave?"

"No, it's okay. You need to get some rest," San whispers, gently caressing Yeosang's cheek before realizing this is not how friends act. Or how he acts.

Just as Yeosang seems to go back to sleep, he opens his eyes again – staring blankly at nothing while biting his lower lip. San knows way too well how lack of sleep only triggers any negative emotion, and he instinctively puts his arms around Yeosang and pulls him into his embrace.

"W-what are you doing?" Yeosang mumbles, his left cheek squeezed against San's chest.

"You want me to stop?"

"Friends don't cuddle, San..." the small complaint disappears into a long yawn, and Yeosang finally starts to relax again.

"Maybe we're just the kind of friends that do?" San snickers into Yeosang's soft hair, tempted to kiss it – but he doesn't.

"That's a little weird..." Yeosang then tries to argue, but eventually snuggles himself closer to San.

"Isn't is quite fitting then?"

Yeosang mumbles something inaudible, as a response to San's last question, before falling asleep in San's arms. As soon as a light snoring is leaving the younger's lips, San sighs with relief – hoping that Yeosang didn't notice how his heart was starting to beat faster.

San closes his eyes as well, gently stroking Yeosang's neck before he falls asleep as well. And for the first time in ages, San manages to get a peaceful rest.

✧

The following weekend at work, San notices how Yeosang's behavior is getting more and more strange. The two of them are prepping the bar in silence, and San keeps looking over his shoulder trying to find the right words. Yeosang is deeply concentrated cutting limes; his brown eyes intensely looking at the green fruits in front of him, and his hair swaying from side to side as he moves around.

San looks at him one last time before pulling himself together, trying to get some actual work done. The two of them continue working side by side without speaking, and San feels like he's about to choke on the silence between them.

"I texted him!" Yeosang suddenly blurts out, throwing his hands in the air.

"What?" San side eyes him, although he already knows what he means, and a stinging pain hits him in the chest.

"The other night, I went out for dinner, with some guys from my class. We had a couple of drinks, and on my way home I was a little wasted and... I texted him," Yeosang mumbles, furrowing his brows in embarrassment of his own action. "He just left me on 'read '. I feel like such a fool."

"Drunk-texting an ex is pretty normal, don't worry about it..." San tries to assure him, forcing a little smile although it irritates him to hear about Yeosang's perfect ex again.

They finish preparing for work without much further conversation. Yeosang is clearly stressed out, probably overthinking what he did a million times, while San is feeling rather pressed by the entire situation. Yeosang's seemingly never-ending fascination with Taeyong bothers San more than he'd like to admit. Mainly because he can't figure out why it suddenly is such a problem.

The thought of Yeosang having to meet Taeyong again is nagging San endlessly, and even the idea of the younger taking someone else to the party isn't enough to calm San down. Quite the opposite actually...

✧

As soon as work is over, San throws his coat over his shoulder, rushing out the door to catch Yeosang before he finds a cab. Luckily, the younger is still waiting at the side of the road when San steps outside.

"Yeosang?" he calls out, "Do you... You still need that plus-one for the engagement party?"

"Why? Do you know someone?" Yeosang asks, looking over his shoulder as San walks towards him.

"Yes. Me."

Yeosang tilts his head to the side, confusion writing all over his face as he looks at San. With a brow raised he finally responds, but the reply isn't exactly what San had hoped for.

"W-What? No!"

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♫ Crown the Empire - Millennia