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Sometimes, they say
This should feel something like fire
'Til it burns you and you can't
No, you can't remain the same

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YEOSANG

Yeosang keeps rubbing his hands against his jeans as he makes his way back from the bathroom, but no matter how hard he tries - his hands remains feeling kind of moist. He cringes at the gross feeling, but sighs as he eventually gives up on trying to solve the problem. The reason being something he can't control in the moment; the anxiousness he can't seem to shake off, and which only grows stronger the closer he gets to the table his late night date is waiting at.

The bar he had agreed to the guy, Kyung-il, is not a place Yeosang has ever been to before, nor is it even a place he'd come to on his own free will. Morning is just around the corner and the only places that are still open, are places like this; a sleazy little bar with yellow stained walls and a heavy smell of smoke lingering in the air. His date doesn't look like someone who'd ever set his foot in a place like this either, but he had insisted on meeting tonight and this was the nearest place for the both of them.

The chair is wobbling under Yeosang, as he sits down at the table again, making him look just as awkward as he is feeling inside. The beer he had ordered is still standing right where he had put it, and he has yet to take the first sip. When he once again looks around the small room, he wonders why he even agreed on meeting here. And at this hour too.

"Thought I'd lost you out there," Kyung-il says, flashing a charming smile at Yeosang.

Since the conversation with Wendy, Yeosang had tried signing up on a dating app. He had never tried it before, but it seemed like a simple way to meet other people. The guy, who is now sitting right next to him, had seemed especially eager to meet up, and as soon as possible. He looked cute in his photos, so Yeosang said yes after a couple of days of texting back and forth.

And he definitely looks good in real life too; handsome face and dressed in a black suit with a white shirt underneath, as he had just finished work at the bar at the Park Hyatt hotel before meeting with Yeosang.

But as soon as they had met up it was obvious that he was looking for something way different than Yeosang, who nows feels dumber than ever for thinking he could meet someone nice through an dating app.

"Oh, yeah... No, I'm sorry..." Yeosang forces a smile, which quickly fades away again while his eyes nervously shift around the room. His left hand is clenching the phone in his pocket, while he impatiently waits for San to answer him.

"Anyway... Where were we. Oh, right... So, do you wanna go to my place or?"

A gentle hand touches Yeosang's cheek, as Kyung-il moves closer, but the look in the stranger's eyes are far from gentle. Feeling how all words are getting stuck in his throat, while his heart is pounding in his chest, Yeosang nervously tries to scoot away.

At the same time, Yeosang curses himself for not wanting just a casual hook-up. This guy is really charming and really good-looking, and Yeosang briefly regrets calling him 'creepy' in his text to San. Maybe the word 'persistent' would've been better.

The phone suddenly buzzes in Yeosang's pocket, and he yanks it out to quickly read the text, unnoticeably underneath the table.

San:
I'll be there in a sec. Just play along when I get there, okay?

Yeosang isn't quite sure what this message means, but he is soon distracted by something else. When Kyung-il runs his fingers through his dark hair, down the neck and across his chest. His lower lip is sucked in between his teeth while he looks at Yeosang with ravenous eyes

Yeosang has to swallow the lump, which has emerged in his throat. He wants to leave, just go home and sleep, and pretend this night never happened. But Kyung-il has already made it pretty clear that he has no intention of leaving without him.

"Hey! What the hell is going on here?"

Yeosang feels the relief rush through him the second he hears San's voice behind him. He turns in his seat and sees the face he would never have imagined he'd feel that happy to see. San walks with fast steps towards the table, eyebrows lowered and with that cold, but still cocky look on his face that Yeosang usually hates. But right now he doesn't mind it at all.

"Who the fuck are you?" Kyung-il asks, glaring at San who walks over to stand right next to Yeosang.

"I'm his boyfriend. Who the fuck are you?" San spits back, wrapping his arm around Yeosang's shoulder. "Baby, I'm sorry. I know we both said things we didn't mean, but don't make me jealous like this, please!" San then says as he bows down slightly to nuzzle his nose into Yeosang's hair.

Yeosang tries his best to hide how surprised he is by San's excellent acting, and even more by his will to actually show affection in public. It might be 5 in the morning, and the place is almost empty – and the affection might be fake. But still...

"Are you for real right now? You have a boyfriend?"

"I... Y-yeah..."

"Great, thanks for wasting my time then. Maybe you should tell your precious boyfriend how you've been practically begging me to fuck you!"

"What? I-I haven't!" An uncomfortable feeling is start to show up inside Yeosang's body, and the words are struggling to come out.

The way Kyung-il is staring at him, with such angry eyes, while those words are coming out of his mouth, is triggering something in Yeosang. Something he thought he had moved past, or at least taken a few steps away from. But it is right there, lurking underneath the surface. It always is.

"Come on, I could've fucked you in the bathroom if I wanted to. You wanted this!"

"Shut your fucking mouth!" San lets go of Yeosang within a second, grabbing Kyung-il by the collar and pulling him up from his seat. "No one talks to my baby that way, and especially not some loser like you. If I ever see you near him again, I'm going to kill you. Do you understand? Yeosang is mine, and no else gets to touch him. Ever!"

✧

Mine.

The word keeps repeating itself in Yeosang's mind as he walks down the street, clinging onto San's arm. He has heard that word many times before; sometimes said with so much love, tonight protectively, and once as a threat. He feels sick, ready to vomit right onto the sidewalk as the memory of what happened that one night, when he was only sixteen, returns to his mind.

He remembers everything; how he was shoved against the wall, the heavy breath against his lips and how the other's hands were stronger than his own.

"You said you wanted to be mine, so you better start proving it soon," the growling voice echoes through his ears as if it has just happened.

He should've fought back; he should've said 'no' like he had so endlessly many times before. But that night he didn't. That one time he felt scared, scared of losing someone he thought he loved. So he just let it happen...

"Do you want to go home, or come crash at my place? It's closer, if you want to..." San's voice suddenly cuts through Yeosang's thoughts.

With his head dangling in front of his body, Yeosang nods a few times, staring at his own feet as he walks with uncoordinated steps.

"You know, you can't answer an 'or' question with a nod," San then says, playfully nudging Yeosang's upper arm.

"Sure..."

"Yeosang... Are you okay?"

Yeosang wants to truly appreciate San's sudden concern, but being too caught up in the feelings, which are hitting him like giant waves, he just can't. Not right now, at least.

"Not... Not really..." he finally mumbles.

"Okay, you're coming to my place. We'll talk about it there." San has soon dragged him to the side of the road, trying to get a cab for them.

✧

Yeosang can feel how San keeps looking at him, while they sit next to each other on the couch in San's living room, but he just keeps staring at the walls instead. Getting back onto the single's marked definitely wasn't what he had hoped for.

"Yeosang," San's voice is softer than ever before, as he dares to break the silence, "what is going on? Is it because of what I said? I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment!"

"No, it was fine... Thanks for saving me."

"Of course. That guy was an asshole!"

Yeosang doesn't answer. Instead he just pulls his legs up in front of him, hugging them with his arms. He wants to tell San the truth, but he is too scared to say it out loud, just like he was scared to tell Taeyong. Or anyone else for that matter.

"Yeosang, what is going on?" San asks once again, moving himself from the couch and down onto the floor, right in front of Yeosang.

"I... I can't tell you..."

"Maybe not. But I feel like you need to talk to someone about it..."

A brief smile shows itself on Yeosang's face, but only for a very short moment. San stares at him in anticipation, and when Yeosang finally gives in and looks at him, he is surprised to see such softness in the dark eyes.

"My... My first time I... I wasn't ready..." Yeosang then quietly mumbles, every word cutting through his heart as a knife when he says them out loud, "I was secretly dating this senior from my high school. He was one of the most popular guys, and I felt so lucky that he wanted to date me. But he... He really wanted to have sex. I was so blindly in love with him, and scared that he would break up with me if I kept saying no. So, we did it. Or... Well, I just let him do it. I cried the entire time. I-I remember the way he held me down, growling in my ear how I wanted it, how I had begged for it. But I hadn't. I hated every second of it. Afterwards he dumped me. He said he wasn't a fag like me, and what we did was disgusting and wrong. I felt so used, so dirty and pathetic. His words, and what he did to me, made me hate myself for so long."

As he speaks the last words, Yeosang hides his face with his hands. Tears start falling from his eyes, but he fights to keep the sobs silent. He feels the couch bouncing lightly as San sits down next to him again.

"I'm sorry to hear that," San whispers into Yeosang's hair, as he pulls him in against his chest, "I'm so sorry."

"I guess... I just got overwhelmed by the feelings from back then, after the things that guy said..." Yeosang quietly sobs against San's chest; his tears leaving wet spots on San's grey shirt.

"Hey! Listen to me," San pulls himself away to look Yeosang directly in the eyes, "you did nothing wrong, and don't listen to an asshole like that!"

San smiles so softly while drying the tears away from Yeosang's cheeks, and Yeosang is thankful that his face already is feeling a bit warm from crying - otherwise San would definitely have noticed how he has started to blush a little by the soft touch.

With another gentle smile, San wraps his arms around Yeosang again, letting the younger go back to resting his head against his chest. Yeosang could definitely get used to San holding him in his arms, but he tries to convince himself that it's just the feeling of someone holding him that he's been missing. And not because it is San doing it.

"I just wish I could meet someone nice for once. I mean, someone who would love me the way I am, and not be afraid to show it. Unlike that guy from school and... unlike Taeyong..." Yeosang's voice lowers as the last part of his sentence leaves his lips.

"You... You really miss him, huh?" San asks, still holding Yeosang tightly in his embrace.

"I do, yeah... Every day."

It hurts to think about it, and it hurts even more to say it out loud. With a deep sigh, Yeosang pulls himself away from San to sit as he did before, with his legs pulled up in front of him.

"When I met Taeyong, I was at the lowest point in my life. I felt worthless because of what had happened, and I did everything to shelter myself from getting hurt ever again. But Taeyong just... He just broke down all the walls I had put around myself, and his beautiful smile finally made me feel alive again..." Yeosang mumbles, turning his head to look out the window as he speaks.

Tonight Yeosang misses Taeyong more than ever, and the thought of having to face him again in less than three weeks is killing him inside.

Still staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts, Yeosang doesn't notice the frown that has started to show on San's face.

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♫ Sleeping with Sirens - Fire