________________________

I'm singing for you
You're screaming at me
It's hard to see your tears
In the pouring rain

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SAN

"Sannie, help me... Please..."

Pain pierces through San's chest the second he wakes up, completely drenched in sweat. He flails his arms and legs around to kick the duvet away, feeling as if he is being suffocated underneath it.

The nightmares have become more frequent recently, more vivid, and he is very well aware of the reason why. This happens every year, when the date he dreads the most comes closer. The real-life nightmare, which has been haunting him for almost ten years, living in his shadow where it only grows stronger while it tears him apart at the same time.

As San sits up in the bed, hand on his chest, his heart might just as well pop right out and into his palm. He has to calm himself down, or his heart will end up exploding from the insane speed it's pumping the blood around in his disstressed body.

"Fuck... Calm down, calm down..." he mumbles to himself, eyes pinched together by the agony of the memories he'll never be able to forget.

With his legs pulled up in front of his trembling body, San rests his elbows against them while diving his fingers through his dark hair. The silence of being alone in his apartment has never been louder, and it only reminds him that this is how he will live the rest of his worthless days.

Alone. Empty.

Only adding onto his already horrible morning, he finds his pack of cigarettes to be empty, and with a frustrated groan he crumbles it up and throws it aggressively onto the floor.

"Can't I catch a fucking break?"

San rolls out of bed, while letting go of various other, more or less creative, swear words. The wooden floor is freezing cold under his bare feet, as he staggers towards the bathroom, but it's not like he cares – his entire body always feels cold anyway.

✧

The thick air inside the nightclub is clinging onto San, overheating his already exhausted body and causing every little movement to feel way more difficult that it should be. He may, or may not, have had a couple of drinks at home before leaving for work – but San still blames his inability to control his own body, on the lack of fresh air inside the poorly ventilated room.

The music also seems louder than usual, hurting his ears as he is stuck inside the never ending noise with every beat of the bass running through his body. There is really only one thing that makes this horrid day just a little easier to get through.

Yeosang bops his head along to the music, his brown hair dancing around his face and when it falls over his eyes, he flips it away with a swift hand movement. He purses his lips together while his eyes are focused on mixing his current cocktail order. San has noticed how the younger always makes that adorable facial expression whenever he is concentrating.

Adorable...

San winces at his own thought and quickly turns his back to Yeosang who is carrying on with work, completely unaware of how San has been staring at him for way too long.

Neither of them has tried to contact the other since they slept together again the previous weekend, and San can't quite figure out how he feels about it. It's killing him how the attraction towards Yeosang only seems to become stronger each time they see each other. San usually loses interest in whoever he sleeps with as soon as it's over, but there's just something so alluring about Yeosang, which can't be explained.

With so many beautiful girls standing on the other side of the bar, ready for him to pick out whoever he wants, it doesn't make sense at all how his eyes keep going back to looking at Yeosang instead. But even his best attempts at trying to look away, and to keep a decent distance between them, soon fails.

San looks around, bewildered in his current state, trying to locate the bottle of Grey Goose vodka – only to realize it's standing in the corner where Yeosang is working from. Debating whether or not he should just go ahead and open a new one, San doesn't notice how he's slowly starting to walk towards the younger.

With his heart racing in his chest, San leans in over Yeosang's shoulder from behind to grab the bottle. He could just go around him, but this night is apparently one where his brain has no saying in what his body is doing at all. Yeosang turns his head in surprise, causing San's lips to briefly brush against the younger's earlobe, and San feels an instant urge to bite onto it - to whisper filthy words into the younger's ear.

"Oh. San? I'm sorry, am I in the way?" Yeosang quickly takes a step back, pulling the warmth of his aura away with him.

"No... It's... Fine..." Once again finding himself puzzled over his own actions, San sends the younger a wry smile and with the bottle in his hand, he turns to walk back.

But it's not fine. Nothing is fine. San is going crazy in his mind. Not only had his morning been absolutely terrible, now he is also finding himself feeling more drawn to a guy than any of the sexy, willing girls craving for his attention.

"You're seriously messed up," he mumbles to himself, before flashing his most charming smile to the girls at the opposite side of the bar.

✧

"Choi! I've got some good news for you!" Felix grins as San joins him when work is over.

San glares at his blonde friend, wanting nothing else than go home to sleep instead, but he knows Felix would never let him.

Felix has invited some girls to stay for the after-party and he has soon hooked San up with some self-proclaimed Instagram model, who just won't stop blabbering about her followers, gluten free food and other things San doesn't give two shits about. She is hot though; nice body, wavy brown hair and cute, pink lips. Almost like a female version of Yeosang. Only dumb, and not as pretty.

Pretty...

"Have you ever considered modelling? You're so handsome, you could easily become one," the girl purrs in San's ear, her hand already making its way down between his legs, causing him to flinch in his seat.

"Yeah, no thanks..."

Even though San shows little to no interest in her, the girl suddenly throws her arms around his neck and her lips are being pressed onto his. The taste of the third Martini that she probably should've been without, enters San's mouth as he surrenders and parts his lips to let her tongue meet his.

It's soon clear to him that she has no intention of leaving without him, and San so agrees to go home with her – to at least avoid getting dry-humped in front of everyone. The idea of just fucking her in the club's bathroom stall briefly runs through his mind, but it's instantly replaced by the look Yeosang had given him the last time.

When San finally gets himself released from the girl's hungry claws, he excuses himself to go get his coat in the changing room and on his way he already regrets saying yes to going home with her. Despite how hot she is, something just feels off. The way she had touched him and the things she had whispered in his ear should've been more than enough to turn him on, but tonight it's not working at all.

And when San enters the changing room he knows why.

Yeosang is standing in front of his locker about to put on his maroon colored coat. When he hears footsteps behind him, he turns around and their eyes meet.

"Hey..." San then says, feeling stupid greeting him like that after a six hour shift together.

"Hi?" Yeosang raises a brow while dragging his coat over his shoulders. "W-what's going on?"

The confusion on the younger's face is obvious and understandable. San takes another step towards him, and all he can think of is the rosy, soft lips and how wonderful it feels to kiss them. No one has ever made him feel the way Yeosang did, and San is not going to let go of that just yet.

"You tell me? I know we haven't talked since the last time. Are you okay?" the softness in San's question is soon drowned out by the hungry look in his eyes, but he can't stop himself.

Yeosang takes a step backwards, his back against the locker behind him when San is standing right in front of him. There is a slight, genuine, worry in San's words. He does feel a little nervous if Yeosang is okay after they slept together once more, but the main part of his worry definitely comes from his own desire for wanting to do it again. And Again.

"Yeah I'm... I'm fine?" Yeosang mumbles, looking even more confused than before.

"You haven't missed me too much?"

San gently lets his fingertips dance along Yeosang's jawline, while he slowly leans in closer. The sweet scent of the younger's cologne fills his nostrils, teasing him with the memory of the last time they were this close to each other. Yeosang lets go of a small whimper when San's lips briefly touch his neck, and San smirks by the sound of it.

"S-San, what are you doing?" Yeosang whispers, "We... We are at work!"

"And? Does that mean you don't want me to fuck you right here, against the locker?" San has completely lost himself in the moment; being this close to Yeosang again is what his body has been craving all this time.

"I..." Yeosang suddenly pushes himself past San, almost stumbling over his own feet on his way. "No! I... I don't, okay? I actually... I have a date, so..."

"You have a date?" San scuffs as he turns around. "Like, now? It's four in the morning?"

"Well, not that it's any of your business, but he works at a bar too... So..." Yeosang shrugs his shoulders.

"You're not serious right now, are you?" San asks, glaring at the younger in disbelief.

"Yep, I am. And I'm also late, so. I'll see you?" Not giving San any chance to even think of an answer, Yeosang turns around and walks out the door.

As soon as he is gone, San slams his clenched fists against the lockers. He needs to feel Yeosang's skin against his own again. He needs it more than anything, and especially tonight.

✧

San impatiently walks back and forth outside the night club's back entrance. Every breath hurts when it leaves his lungs, and he exhales into several frustrated groans. When the door opens he finally starts to feel a little calmer. Just a little.

"Hey man, why did you text me? Weren't you inside just 5 minutes ago?" Jay asks as he steps outside.

"Can't really talk to you about this inside though..." San mumbles, avoiding eye contact as if it'll ease up the decision he has made.

"How much do you need?" Jay then asks.

"I just need to get through tonight. And maybe tomorrow too..."

"Sure. Wait here, I'll be right back."

San leans his back against the wall, a deep sigh leaving his lips as he closes his eyes. This night has taken a dark turn for real, one he knows he should stay away from. But he can't. This time of the year is the worst for him, and as he counts down the days, his will to live gets drained more and more for each day.

He needs to distract himself, and the girl inside the club was nowhere near enough. As soon as he had come close to Yeosang, San instantly knew what he needed. What he craved the most. But he couldn't have it, which led him to the thing he knows he always has access to.

A sudden buzz in his pocket disturbs his thoughts, and the name that shows on the screen of his phone makes his heart race.

Yeosang:
San?
Sorry to disturb your
But... It's urgent.
The guy I was going to meet. He's so creepy.
And he won't let me go home alone.
I've excused myself to the bathroom, but I don't know how long I can hide in here.
Can you just call me and pretend something urgent came up?
San... Help me, please

"Alright, you know the price by now," Jay suddenly says next to him. San has been too busy staring at his phone to even notice Jay coming back.

"Yeah, sure..." While typing with one hand, San finds some cash from his pocket with the other. "Here."

The small plastic bag has soon been shoved into his pocket, but he doesn't even think twice about it anymore. Instead he rushes down the street, eyes locked on his screen while he waits for Yeosang to tell him which place he is at.

San... Help me... Please.

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♫ ONE OK ROCK - Take what you want

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A/N: I feel like my writing is changing, and I'm sure if it's for the better or worse? (of if I like it or not). ><;

Anyway, we're back with the more angsty stuff, and I hope you enjoyed it - my angsty friends <3